Saturday, 31 December 2011

DC: Christmas Cuppa

Hello, happy New Year! I've started writing for The Reticule and I'm still looking for a job, so I simply don't have the time to blog. But still, here's a New Year's special. This is not safe for work. This is not safe for anyone. This is a Harry Potter slashfic. This was emailed to me. This is going to hurt.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Oh Boy...

Good evening, dear reader! Remember me? I'm the man who buggered off again.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

DC: Celebrian Chapt. 2

There is no good left in the world. There is only low-quality literary porn. Right, let's get this done.

A Year!

Hello! So apparently I've been doing this for a year.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

I'm Back Now

Gentlemen. Gentleladies.  I'm back now.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Blogging Holiday

Hello, my dear, attractive reader! I hope you're well. This is just a short post to let you know that I'm taking a few weeks' blogging holiday. In English, that means I will not be blogging for a few weeks. I know, dear reader, I know.

However! I will have a bit of a treat for you when I'm done with my holiday. I will, dear reader! And it will be glorious. Glorious.

Until then! Keep safe and happy, my dear reader.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Best. Video. Ever.

I'll just leave this here.

Thursday, 14 July 2011

DC: Celebrian Chapt. 1

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god oh god. This is the big one. Slightly less famous than My Immortal, but more... Well, you'll see. Oh bloody hell, I can't believe I'm already doing this. Before you click the jump, this fic is EXTREMELY NSFW. Almost dangerously NSFW. You have been warned.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 11 & 12


A Writer Am I

Good afternoon, dear reader, I hope you're well. This is just a quick post that I wanted to get out of the way before both Dungeons of Dredmor and Cthulhu Saves the World are released on Steam later today.

Saturday, 25 June 2011

DC: Agent 47 vs the third reich Chapt. 1

This one has been suggested by a kindly reader, one... Well, he didn't actually give me his name, but he's a German chap. Greetings to my German readers! I hope my occasional outburst of gratuitous German is not too terrible for you. Incidentally, thank you for sending it in, my dear reader. The fic is summarised very well by the gentlemen who emailed me about it:

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 9 & 10

I wasn't going to make any posts today, because I've caught a Summer Cold (which apparently exist now) and feel like death on ice. I love Summer. But then I decided to peruse my internal blog information, as I usually do when I've checked everything else, and I discovered that one of my readers, SharpFang, has started her own Dramatic Commentary/sporking/self-flagellation of this... This... This... Yes. A tribute, if you will. You should all give it a butcher's (that is English slang for 'a look'), and I would like to encourage Sharpfang to keep it up, for it is most amusing and excellent! She also has a greater knowledge of the canon than me.

Anyway, on with the... On with the... Forgive me if I can't make myself sound enthusiastic.

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 7 & 8

I am taking things slowly for a few days, dear reader, as I am practically having a stress baby and am on the verge of stabbing out my left eye to stop it twitching. However, I will persevere and tackle another two 'chapters' of this particular badfic. I'm starting to believe that this is the result of a scientific experiment carried out using a million monkeys and a million typewriters.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

I Am Not Dead

Hello, dear reader! This is just a quick update to let you know that I am indeed still alive, despite the KGB's best efforts. Incidentally, are we still allowed to call them the KGB? I wouldn't want to give Vlad another reason to hate me. Actually, I should probably ask him next time he tries to put polonium on my pizza. Poor Vlad, he's not very good at this assassination lark.

Indeed, dear reader, I am not dead, just very busy. Too busy, unfortunately, to make any meaningful post. Until after Friday at least, when my workload becomes essentially non-existent for several weeks. I do apologise for keeping you in the dark, but I haven't really had the time to write anything more than the occasional sarcastic tweet. Normal service will be resumed on Saturday. unless I celebrate my new non-existent workload by getting drunk, which may be a distinct possibility.

Until then, my dear reader!

Mr. T. Leach

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 4

Oh lordy, dear reader! It's been more than a month since the last time I ripped into this one. I do apologise. I'm currently watching a live-stream of E3, but I'm perfectly happy to wash away the ridiculous Wiiu (WEEOO, WEEOO, WEEOO) from my mind by finishing the last chapter of this particular badfic.

Friday, 3 June 2011

Impressions: Deus Ex: Human Revolution

It's happened. I've played Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Although not the full version, you understand. A while ago, a preview build containing a third of the game was given to various games journalists so that they could write about their impressions of it. Not very long ago, this build was leaked onto the internet. Someone's in for a roasting. But, thanks to a kindly chap armed with a memory stick, I have played this build, and am ready to offer my opinions on it.

Monday, 30 May 2011

Puppy Love

Good afternoon, dear reader! I do hope you're well. It's a bank holiday here in the UK, so I've been celebrating by doing absolutely nothing whatsoever. Well, almost nothing, as I shall soon point out.

Monday, 16 May 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 6

It's the last chapter, dear reader! I can do this. We can do this. Let's do this.

Friday, 13 May 2011

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 5 & 6

It is a shame that Blogger fucked up and deleted the draft of this post, dear reader. Because I'm feeling twice as murderous and bad tempered as I was the first time I wrote this post. Right, let's see what this fucking terrible fic is doing, shall we? Incidentally, I'm sorry I haven't posted particularly recently, but I've been very busy, as my 13 Twitter followers have been informed. Yes, only 13. If you have a Twitter and are not following me... Well, there's nothing I can do to make you follow me. It's also probably for the best, what with my live-tweeting porn movies and what not. Yes, really.

Friday, 29 April 2011

Babbling In The Bath

Good evening, dear reader! I say that because it's evening, of course. How are you? I do hope you're well. I'm fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that I'm exploiting modern technology to bring you this post while in the bath! It certainly makes a change from tweeting while in the bath. No, I'm not going to make a reference about my being wet like I normally do. If you, my dear reader, don't know what I'm talking about, you can find a feed and link to my Twitter on the right-hand side of this very page. I can't link you to it myself seeing as technology hasn't progressed enough to let me copy and paste links.

So, onto the news! Well, I am very pleased to say that my little corner of the internet is snowballing! I have been garnering around 150 readers a day for several weeks now. If you are one of my dear regular readers, I thank you very deeply indeed. You make me a happy panda. Not that I'm actually a panda, seeing as that would be wierd and unnatural. Apparently, I'm big in the States, Canada, my dear England, and Denmark. Also, it appears that I have a following in Germany, so if you are a German chap, please do forgive my terrible grasp of German that I occasionally spew out. My German is very bad, as you can probably tell. So is my Spanish and my Italian, but I've never demonstrated that here. Yet. So you've got that to look forward too, dear reader. If you're a mentalist. Bizarrely, I can also understand the Cyrillic alphabet, despite not being able to speak Russian or any similar languages. I've also managed to derail my own post.

Back on track, then. England, eh? Unless you've been living under a rock or in the middle of the Arctic for several months, you've probably heard about the wedding of William, Prince of Wales, and the rather attractive Catherine Middleton, who I can't remember if she had a title. Irregardless, dear reader, they finally married today in a ceremony that single-handedly managed to take over channels 1 and 3, as well as get mentioned on every other. If you do not hail from the Great British Isles, dear reader, your news networks were probably telling you we were besides ourselves with excitement. Allow me to assure you that we were most certainly not - any novelty the occasion had died when we were forced to hear about it for the 47th time on This Morning, where Philip Schofield merrily informed us, for what felt like the hundredth time, that he'd be covering it live. Don't get me wrong, dear reader, I'm a royalist, but there's only so much enforced glee the English, and indeed British, psyche can take before it gets fed up. We broke that barrier as a population about three weeks ago, and have been getting progressively bored since then. Our media has, of course, been having an utter blast pretending to enjoy themselves. I think I speak for most men when I say that I only watched the service to see a member of the royal family drunk, see what lurid colour the Queen Mother was wearing, and see what Catherine looked like in her dress. In answer to these: Charles looked swished, Her Majesty was wearing a lurid pale yellow and stuck out a mile because of it, and Catherine looked highly attractive, as is her wont. I think I may also act as the Voice of Doom and say that you and I have certainly not heard the last of the happy couple. I can hardly wait and I might be lying.

In the last bit of news, have you heard about Sony, dear reader? PSN has been down for a considerable amount of time (I'm not sure if it's back up now). Ordinarily, this would be a pain, but hardly something warranting worldwide media coverage. See, this PSN outage was actually something much worse. To buy from PSN, full credit details have to be linked to the system. Unfortunately for the millions of PSN users, this information has been nicked by hackers. Meaning that they have access to millions of your currency of choice. Now, they tried to sell the details back to Sony, who refused. One can understand that. What one can not understand is why the data was not encrypted. Which it wasn't. Sony took several days to inform people and have not apologised. In the meantime, if you are a PSN user, your account details could very well be floating on tge internet right this second. If you were unaware of this, it might be a good idea to check your balance and cancel your card. If you've been bitten by this, don't hesitate to get in touch! Drop me a comment or an email.

Well, that's about it, dear reader, now I should get out of the bath. Just as an aside, that Game of Thrones, eh? Great drama! I'm following it and you should too, dear reader, if you like a bit of adult medieval fantasy.

Until next time!

Sunday, 24 April 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 5

I'm far too sober for this, but I'm going to give it a crack anyway, dear reader.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 3 & 4

As I sit here with a bacon sandwich and am contemplating walking the eight or so miles to the university (and then the eight or so miles back), I have decided to tackle another couple of chapters of that horrible Warrior Cats 'fic'. Let's do this, dear reader.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Buy Me A Beer

After being bullied and coerced by a very non-threatening chap, I have agreed to set myself up a page where you can, should you feel the urge, send me money. Or, should you feel an even crazier urge, send me things to do video reviews of.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 3

My contempt for this fic is palpable, dear reader. It's just not very good at all. So let's see what's going on in the crazy world of James, Pyramid Head, and Mary Sue Cindy.

Monday, 11 April 2011

An Introduction Of Sorts

Obligatory disclaimer: the PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. This disclaimer will get longer as more things get added to it.

Thursday, 7 April 2011

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 1 & 2

I've just 'read' (if you can call it that) this intrepid tale of.... Actually, I'm not sure what. It just seems to be a load of words, letters, and numbers jumbled together in a rather mish-mash manner. This was brought to my attention by a kindly reader, SharpFang. I'd like to encourage more of that, dear reader.

Monday, 4 April 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 4

Oh well, dear reader, this thing has only 6 chapters, so there's not much pain left after this. Famous last words.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

I Can Do Bird Impressions!

I can do an impression of the magical 'Twitter Bird'. Tweet-tweet! Tweet-Tweet!

Friday, 1 April 2011

¡ǝɯ dlǝɥ

*ɔısnɯ uʍopʇnɥs* ˙uʍop ʇnɥs ʍou snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous llıʍ ⇂0˙⇂ ʎppǝʇ ˙uʍop ʇnɥs  ʇsnɯ puɐ ɹoɹɹǝ lɐʇɐɟ ɐ pǝɹǝʇunoɔuǝ sɐɥ ʎppǝʇ

snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ¡ǝɯ dlǝɥ `poƃ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ ˙ǝƃɐd snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ʇɔɐʇuoɔ ʎɯ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ ɥɔnoʇ uı ʇǝƃ plnoɔ noʎ ɟı ʇı ǝʇɐıɔǝɹddɐ plnoʍ ʎllɐǝɹ ı

snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ¡ʎuunɟ ǝuoƃ s,ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ʍou ʇnq ˙puıɯ snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ʎɯ ǝʌoɹdɯı oʇ `ǝǝs noʎ `ʎɯoʇoqol ɐ ƃuıʌɐɥ sɐʍ ı ˙ɹǝılɹɐǝ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo ʎɹǝƃɹns pǝɯɹoɟɹǝd oɥʍ uɐɯ ʎɥʇlıɟ ʇɐɥʇ ɟo ʇlnɐɟ ǝɥʇ snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous s,ʇı ʞuıɥʇ ı

˙snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ˙ɯopuɐɹ ʇɐ ,snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous, pɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ƃuıdʎʇ dǝǝʞ ı `oslɐ ¡uʍop ǝpısdn sʞool ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ puɐ ƃuıʞɹoʍ ʇ,uǝɹɐ sɹǝʇʇǝl snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous lɐʇıdɐɔ ʎɯ ˙ƃuoɹʍ ǝuoƃ s,ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ˙ǝɯ dlǝɥ poƃ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ `ɹǝpɐǝɹ snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ɹɐǝp `ǝɯ dlǝɥ

Thursday, 31 March 2011

The Buzzing Terror

Good evening, dear reader! I do hope you're well. We all know when the days start getting longer, that wasps crawl out of their nests to wreak havoc on humanity. So it was that this morning, while I was enjoying a game of Battlefield 2142 and not giving a shit about anything, a wasp decided that it would ruin my fun by flying through the window and attempting to murder me.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

DC: How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish

This one is something special, dear reader, and not in a good way. It's special in a very bad way. You probably realised this by reading the title. Technically, it's a Dragonball Z fic. Before I go on, need I say that this is not safe for either work or your brain? Do bear that in mind before you go past the jump. I feel that I should also say that this is the first fic to win the brand new 'oh god, make it stop' label.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 2

As I write this, dear reader, I am listening to Rammstein at full volume, so do forgive me if I slip into German.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

No Oceans In The Internets

Two brand new PC titles come out today: Crysis 2 and Lego Star Wars III! Isn't that good news, dear reader? Actually, if you don't think that's good news, just humour me for a few minutes. Unfortunately, if you don't think the plural of 'Lego' is 'Legos', and don't drop the 's' from 'maths', you're not going to be able to play these two titles until they are released across the pond, which will be on Friday. This is ridiculous.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 1

Oh, I have been neglecting you this month, dear reader. I do apologise. To make up for it, I'm going to start off another Dramatic Commentary! Since the one I was going to do has mysteriously vanished from the interwebs, I think I'll give you a Silent Hill badfic. This one be called Broken Pieces, and it be very bad indeed. As far as I know, it's not a trollfic, which does make a nice change. I'll let the summary speak for it:

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 3

I hate this fic, dear reader, I really do.

Chapter 3
In the African country [yes, just a miscellaneous African country. Maybe we can pretend it's Libya? Hopefully 47 will be shot by Gadaffi's troops] there were shack towns because people were poor and leaders would not help. [Oh. It is Libya then.]
A woman was trying to fix her house was bald guy who was Mr. 47 came to talk to her [pardon me? A man with a goatee who was called Teddy was confused and irritated]. "Excuse me, but I was asked to talk do [the writer misspelled 'to'. Win] everyone about King Bascule."
"He is a horrible asshole." She said. "He makes us work in oil mines [an... Oil mine? You mine for minerals. Oil is not a mineral. It is black goop] and does not give enough food or money for even an OK life!"
"Ok that checks out with everyone else in country [that sentence did make me smile. I can imagine 47 walking around asking everyone in Libya the same questions]." Diana called back to say that client was stupid so 47 had to double check he was killing right guy. "Where does he live?"
"Over there." The woman pointed to big cement and metal fortress. [Like it wasn't obvious where he lived. This reads like the script for a comedy flash animation.]
"This guy really doesn t have any friends?" 47 asked. "What about his guards?" [Because redshirts are required to be friends with their bosses. It's in the contract.]
"He doesn t hire from here!" The woman replied. "He hired ex-Red Army merchants!" [... Merchants? I think you mean mercenaries. Those are not the same thing. It may be a good idea to not get them confused, just in case you need to hire one or the other.]
47 fought to himself that would make my job easier. [What, the writer's job? I don't think it could get much easier, considering the amount of effort that's not going into it.]
So 47 walked over to fortress and looked at doors. He saw a guard in helmet and bulletproof vest walking out so he could smoke and walked to him.
"Can I borrow you clothes?" 47 asked. [There are no words. Incidentally, I've actually been asked that before. It was awkward, dear reader.]
"I m not sure." The guard replied. [What's wrong with 'no'?]
"I have drugs I will give you if you let me." 47 said. [There are still no words.]
The guard said OK, but 47 was already walking around him and invested needle full of drugs [invest in drugs! Actually, don't] into him. The guard became unconscious, and 47 stole his clothes and dragged him away into shadows so he would be harder to see. [AAAAAAAAAAAARGH. I feel much better now.]
47 went through door but saw that he was in garden [this place has a very strange design]. The door into the building was guarded by two people who had officer uniforms. 47 thought they wouldn t let him in ["You're not supposed to be here; you're an outdoor guard!" Because of that, Beldinford Manor has to be my least favourite level in the whole series], so he decided to walk around garden and look for way in. He went into a shed and discovered the guards had Uzis and revolvers stocked [I don't know about you, dear reader, but I keep all my guns in my garden shed too], so he took some to add to his gun collection. [There are stranger things one could collect.]
There was a backdoor that lead to kitchen, but 47 thought that was too obvious [wut?], so he took a trampoline from the shed [o.0] and set it up under a second floor window, and when no one was looking he used all his strength to jump into the window [ladies and gentlemen, 47 has just used a trampoline to access a "fortress". I don't know whether to laugh or cry]. Then he sneaked into bathroom where indoor guard was filling a bath but also peeing into a toilet. [The author missed a joke about the guard filling the bath with his pee. It would have been so easy.]
47 tried to sneak up and pistol whip him [as opposed to the fibre wire. This is not 47], but guard finished and turned around to say "YOU CANNOT GO IN HERE!"
"Shut up." Said 47 and he punched him in the face [as you do. Fucking subtlety, how does that work?]. The guard fell over into the bath where he fell asleep and droned. [Droned? Why am I imagining The Bees Made Honey In The Lion's Skull coming out of his mouth...]
47 dressed up as indoor guard and checked area. Then he saw King Bascule, who looked like picture except balder and fatter and wearing a bathrobe with boxers [what, boxers over the bathrobe?]. He went into a room where another guard stood at door.
47 walked out of sight and threw a needle to distract the guard. The guard picked it up and said "Hey! Drugs! Cool!" [Drugs clearly caused the creation of this fic.]
He ran up to his friend. Mikhail! "Someone is giving us drugs! Let s try them out!" [Sigh...]
Mikhail, who was a new guy who just showed up the day before, raised an eyebrow behind sunglasses. "Vladimir, do you know where these came from?"
"Who cares? Mikhail! Get the bong!" [In England 'bong' doesn't mean what you think it does.]
"It s in the basement. I ll be back." When Mikhail left Vladimir he went back to his post, but he was too late.
Because while and Mikhail were talking Mr. 47 snuck into King Bass hole s [how very clumsy. Also, a space does not constitute an apostrophe] room where he was watching torture videos and coked him with his fiber wide.
Agent 47 then checked the keyhole and saw that the guard was back, so he moved Bascule s body into his bathroom to make sure that they didn t see it if the entered. Then he climbed out of the window onto the roof, jumped to a tree, and climbed back to ground.
47 put back on his suit and began walking to border, but then started jogging when suddenly the fortress blew up. [What. The. Fuck.]
Authors note: Please review so I can make this even better! [Don't tempt me, troll.]

Now where did I put my whiskey?

Until next time!

Saturday, 5 March 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 2

Once again, dear reader, I have been let down on the prospect of a night out. Thus far anyway. But rejoice, for that means you get some more DC to devour! There's a marked deterioration in this chapter, incredibly.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 1

Someone has defiled my beautiful Hitman canon! 47 has been... Fuck, you'll find out, dear reader. I'll let the summary speak for itself: "Hitman is a hitman who kills but he when he has to hit John Delaware, a surprise will await him." It lives here.

Monday, 28 February 2011


Ok... Last chapter. I can do this.

Sunday, 27 February 2011


Here we go again.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Baron Teddy?

Good evening, dear reader, I do hope you're well! I had something of a wonderful discovery yesterday.

Saturday, 19 February 2011


A friend of mine has started doing a dramatic reading of this terrible fic. You really should go check it out, dear reader, if you can stomach being exposed to each chapter again.

Saturday, 12 February 2011

The Media Hates Me

I haven't been keeping abreast of the latest media scares, so I'll just assume that they're currently claiming that there's an outbreak of flesh-eating gerbils and we're all going to die. I've honestly stopped paying attention to the bloody scare-mongers. Although I did start thinking earlier today: what if all of those horrible things the media enjoys ramming down our throats were actually real threats? What if they all happened to me? What if I only mention the sillier things?

Wednesday, 9 February 2011


Good evening, dear reader! I hope you're well? Shall we settle down and do another chapter of this trollfic?

Friday, 4 February 2011

DC: TDGWWILWAV Chapt. 7 & 8

*Grumbles something about idiocy and terrible fanfics.* These two chapters are very short, so I'll do them together. I fear for my brain.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Phone Horror

Dear reader, today is a sad day. I'll just let that sink in for a minute. To help it sink in, stare at the image below until you feel adequately saddened.

Sunday, 30 January 2011


Hello, Twila... Ugh, I could swear that this thing is draining my IQ. But do it I must, because I love you all, dear readers! I suffer through these so you don't have to. And for the entertainment value, of course.

Friday, 28 January 2011

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 41, 42, 43 & 44

Aye, dear reader, I'm making a genuine effort to get the rest of My Immortal done in one post. You may be asking why I'm not doing chapter 40: the reason, quite simply, is that it is identical to Tara's chapter 39 that I did in my last post. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's do this.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

You, My Dear Readers

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm utterly useless at this concentration lark. As the majority of my work must be done on the computer, I am subjected to the internet for far longer that is healthy for one's mental health, nearly every day. I have a number of favourite websites which I view every day, such as Rock, Paper, Shotgun, and Newgrounds. Not to mention YouTube, DeviantArt, and of course, my very own blog, right here. It's perhaps inevitable that I compulsively hop from site to site looking for things that I've not seen before. Consequentially, I am terrible when it comes to concentrating on actual important work.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Banner And Mascot

You may have noticed that there is a new banner at the top of this page. Yes, this page. This one. The tagline is slightly blurry because the design that I'm using hates my guts and compresses anything I put up there. Without some complicated coding, I can't fix it. Therefore, I will not fix it. It is also at it's maximum size there, just so as you know. And lo! Dost thou see the steampunk gentleman in the banner? The sprite? His name is Bertram, and he is my mascot.
Feel the power.

I like all things steampunk, therefore my mascot is a steampunk gentleman. Incidentally, he is a sprite reproduction of a character I made long ago in the Gaia Avatar Creator. I dug him out and redrew him by hand, pixel by pixel. Most verily, dear reader! Also, if I may draw your attention to something... Duke Nukem Forever launch trailer!

Until next time!

Wednesday, 19 January 2011


Can you believe this thing lasts 12 chapters? Also, I'll need to do some more My Immortal soon. When I get that thing out of the way, we can move on to stranger things.

Aimless Rambling

Monsieur Luke Clarke said something to me after this place's overhaul: it was something along the lines of my banner being boring. And indeed, he is correct! I've not had the virtue of encountering a small rubber man while walking in the rain, so I can not use one for my banner. Unlike him! I mean, just look at it!

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Recipe For Fish And Chorizo Soup

I made myself this the other day, and it was absolutely lovely. It is a roast tomato soup with chorizo and fresh fish, as well as fish stock. I didn't actually grab a picture of what mine looked like, so I'll just pull one off google...

Thursday, 13 January 2011


Okie dokie, dear reader, we've another short one today. I am genuinely considering making them into multiple-bills, like I have with My Immortal, but I fear for my sanity if I do that. Anyway, let's get cracking!

Monday, 10 January 2011

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 39

Oh, this is a special one, dear reader, so very special... I've been waiting for this. You see, at this point in the fic, Tara's account supposedly got hijacked by a woman of malicious intent. A troll. The results of this hacking are highly amusing, as the troll wrote her own little chapter in the fic. Indeed, the fic could have been ended there, for reasons which we shall shortly see. Let's do this, dear reader.

New Look!

We have a new look! And it is swanky indeed, dear reader. No more stark neutral minimalism, we've bombed straight into the modern age. We have featured posts and everything!

Rest assured that the text formatting is not broken - it just appears to be broken in the post summary before the jump.

Until next time!

New Look Incoming

The Man With Stuff may be badly stuffed up for the remainder of today. This is because I am giving the thing an overhaul, hopefully taking it into the modern day. Down with minimalism!

Until then!

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Ramblings Of The Insane

By 'insane', I of course mean, I. Me. Myself. Yes. Pancake. Permit me to ramble, dear reader! What is new in the world of Teddy? Is anything new? Have new things made themselves known? Am I going crazy? Have I already gone crazy?

Well, I'm back playing Urban Dead, or UD, as the players like to call it. I've resurrected my PKer, Scheffer, and rejoined Red Rum, which may go some way to explain my utter madness. Pancake. I've also resurrected an old Pro-survivor account, who certainly does not go by the name of Teddy. Oh no, sir. I suggest you start playing UD. All of you. NOW! It's fun and also has a lovely metagame. Provided you don't join a group that takes itself too seriously. Please note that from now on, I may refer to myself as 'Scheffer' simply by virtue of my getting confused as to who I really am. Pancake. So that's new at any rate. It's worth mentioning that I actually am drinking rum while writing this, which may also help to explain my sudden insanity.

This post was originally going to be a light-hearted debate which looked into the issue of whether I'm normal and the rest of the world's insane. From a purely vain point of view, I'd say that that is true. You're all insane and I'm normal. Thank you and goodnight. Elvis has left the building. Then I saw something shiny and stopped writing. Then I started drinking the rum and started writing this. And then I realised that I am utterly doolally. Pancake. The thing that motivated me to write that post (which will never be written, but summarised here. Somewhat) is my photographic escapade that occurred earlier today. Much earlier. If you've been keeping up with this blog, or know me personally, you'll know I'm the sort of person that would wear a tuxedo to a Saturday night party; I constantly dress well. Not so much because I can, although that does play a part, but because I enjoy it. And so, when I went out earlier I dressed as if it was Summer, as if to show my utter contempt for those who were dressed like it was the Arctic, which was pretty much the rest of the country. As if mocking their thin skins, I wore a short-sleeved shirt with the top two buttons undone (as per. It's still the 80's in my world), jeans, black leather shoes, and a cream linen jacket. I was the very definition of Summer dress, even though it was 5 degrees outside. And people looked at me as if I had two heads and one had just announced it's engagement to the other. The SLR camera probably didn't help, but you know what I mean. I'm the type of person who puts a smart shirt on to go out, even if it's just to the shops. I'll feel overdressed, but I don't particularly care, as that's who I am. I'm rapidly starting to think that England just isn't a place where you can dress nicely any more. Bah. Personally, I think you're lazy if you never make the effort with your appearance, but that's just me. I'm the reverse: I always make so much of an effort (although it's pretty effortless nowadays) that I'm no longer capable of dressing down. As in physically incapable: my wardrobe will not allow it! It's resulted in my grouping my shirts by my very own 'style factor'. This stripy short-sleeved one I've had on today? Yeah, that one's good for going down to the shops in... The embroidered purple one that cost an obscene amount of money and requires cufflinks? That's so stylish that it can only be worn to dinner.

Ramblings about clothes out of the way, what else can I talk about? Hmm... Ah, photography! We all love photography. Except those of us that don't. I do though, so there. The 365 project's going well.. In fact, I've only got 355 more days to do! Hmm... That sounds like a lot when I type it. Today's piccy is this:
It's one of those bloody signs telling you that you'll get an extortionate fine if you allow your dog to defecate without cleaning it up! I especially like the way that they always have wiggly lines coming off the poo, as if it's steaming. I could post the rest of the photographs I've done so far, but it'd be much quicker to ask you to go here and see for yourself.

So what else is new? Work? Nope, nothing new there, although you'll be the first to learn of anything new, dear reader. 2011? Nope, it's a pretty boring year so far. Existence? Nope, de nada new. Fish and chips? Yes, please! Seeing as nothing's new, may I again recommend that you follow a friend of mine? Luke Clarke will be happy for the readers. He's a nice chap like that.

Until next time!

Wednesday, 5 January 2011

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 35, 36, 37, & 38

It turns out doing this in increments was actually a good idea, as this takes me neatly up to a milestone in My Immortal: chapter 39. You'll see when we get there, dear reader.

Chapter 35. gost of u [When she's quite blatantly copying song titles from her terrible bands, you'd think she'd spell them properly.]

AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea [what idea? Uh-oh, this won't end well... I refuse to believe people were giving her ideas]!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U [that's not strictly true, is it?]!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius [well, 'Sirius' is quite gothic]!1 fangz.


I went in2 da Conmen Room [that must be where they keep the cast of Hustle] finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped………………..Draco wuz there!111 [Dun, dun, duuuun!]
I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.

“Draco what da fuk r u dong [hur hur]!111111” I gosped.

“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms. [What do you mean 'still'?]
“Oh hi Lucian!1” I sed. “Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz.” [I've the feeling that that speech mark isn't mean to be there.]
“Yah Satan told me abot you.” Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting [aye, they had groups dedicated to self-harming back in the 40's. Also, this is THE FRIGGING 40'S]. It wuz Serious, Vampire’s dad and………………Snap [oh noes!]! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts [it's the 40's. It's the motherfucking 40's]. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” he said. “Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up. [AGH! It's the 40's. No, I'll not stop making that point.]


 “Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter [I'm sure we'd all love to play the gutter. Also, how appropriate...]. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him [But I am Spartacus!]. “Snap plays the boss [playing the boss is a good way to get promoted]. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.” [The 40's. Also, the way they've named him is pretty Hispanic.]

“Hey bastards.” I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly. [Oh, I know where this is going.]
“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.” [There are so many spelling mistakes in that one line utterance that it's not even funny.]

“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.

“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said. [Verily, a snigger is what runs through my mind every time I read another line.]

“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.”  [I told you I knew where this was going.]

“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111

“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?” [Not really.]
Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah [AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH]!11) Gurn Day.

“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song [yes, we know]).. Every1 gasped.

“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap. [Hive mind! Woohoo! Also, I could see that one coming.]
“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. “Are we gong to play tonight?”

“Yah.” they said.

“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit [doesn't she have enough clothes as it is? Then again, this is the past]. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli [oh god...]!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.

“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked. [She's less concerned that he's Marty Mcfly, and more concerned that he's there.]
“I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine [why not the DeLorean? WHY?!]. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111

Chapter 36.

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz [I bet you're a 7 year old]!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111 [Get that creature out of my country.]


I loked around in a depresed way [why? She wanted to go forward, after all]. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B’lody Mary, Socrates [o.0] and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.

“OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111”

“Yah I no.” Serious said sadly.

“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom. [Why doesn't that lazy bitch go cold turkey?]
Hi fuker [how very inane].” I said. “Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet [must be a black cornetto] and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I’m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too.”

“Oh my satan!1” (geddit lolz koz shes gofik [yes. You've made that exact joke about 50 times now]) gasped B’lody Mary. “Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?”

“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry.

“I can’t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first.” said Willow. [I am the man with stuff: for all your stuff needs.]
“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” Darko said resultantly.

“Well we have potions klass now [convenient].” Willow said so let’s go.

We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111 [o.0]
“Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111” Draco shouted angrily. [... He's not supposed to be there anyway.]

“STFU [Christ, is everyone childish in this fic?]!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck. “He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer [I thought it was alzheimers?]. “Now do ur work!111”

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

“Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1” Vampire asked surprisedly. [Does it fucking MATTER?!]


He stomped out angrily.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer [sounds like an interesting cocktail]. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. [Must be a bloody big cupboard.]
“WTF is he doing?” I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly……………“HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11” he shooted.

I looked around…………….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod [Hagrid is the new Agent 47]!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. [As you do.]
“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was………………Amnesia Portion!111 [I've forgot what that does.]

Chapter 37.

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX [end it. End it now]. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11



Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.

“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot [*Teddy bangs his head on the wall in exasperation*]. “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1” [Uh, that's not what amnesia does.]
“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata [sounds like a potato],” said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”

“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Enoby. [But how will it?]
“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.

“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep. [Remember I asked you to remember that name, so many chapters ago? Have you noticed that every prep is called Britney?]

“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow. [It's a wonder all the 'goffs' haven't been lynched yet.]
“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.”

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there. Instead Tom Rid was. [He's still not Voldemort.]
Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez. [Speech marks?]
I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz [they're made of mouldy cheese. How very appropriate], blood red fishnetz and a blak corset
[Whore clothes, basically.]

“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag.

“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall. [He's not got a very good memory. He must have had a swig of that amnesia potion. Wait, have we switched POV?! I didn't even notice!]

“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now [good. May she rot there]. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11” [Quite easily. They're the ones in control after all.]

Suddenly Dumblydore came. [There must be something in the water at Azkaban as well.]

“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine [seriously, what happened to the car?]!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface [that sounds absolutely disgusting]! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket [I thought she had an aversion to crosses? Also, that bottle encapsulates juxtaposition]. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.[What? Sense: make it.]

“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said [I didn't] finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket. [Would you kindly stop hijacking me?]

“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn.

You went [no I didn't] to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.

“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”

“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious. “BTW u can kall me Hades now.” Suddenly Satan came [sounds fiery]. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes [vote for Satan], a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.

“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan. [I bet you did...]

Chapter 38.

AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation [no. Just stop it.]? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111


Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan [yes, we noticed]), kuttting, musik and being goffik. [That's being an emo, I'm afraid. You seem to have the two badly confused.]

“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed [did he just become the Dark Lord?] as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy) [Marvelous.]
“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena [it'd probably have pushed me over the edge. And instilled in me a desire to take a crowd of people with me].” I said in a flirty voice. “……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?” [Yes, what should one do if one becomes addicted to your serum? He's not Voldemort yet, so surely that stuff shouldn't even exist?]
“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.” [I can see where this is going as well.]
Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist [40's]. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol [I don't remember that part in the Exorcist]. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists. ["Blood, lol."]

While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar [is that a euphanism?] sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it [OK, maybe not]. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag [it came from his pocket though]. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.

“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Enoby gess what?”

I new that the amnesia had worked. [Oh no... Wait for it, dear reader!]
“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work [yes! Not only does he recognise it instantly, it also doesn't work because it's not been invented yet. That creates so many paradoxes that it makes my head hurt. You have to wonder how things ever get invented].” He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.” [Voldemort is a date-raper. Except he uses the power of memory loss rather than sleep.]

“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly [she's too dumb to live]. And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out [what a slutty girl. In the middle of a cinema too]. I tok of his shit [apt]. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.

“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. [Beserk Button engaged.]
“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood. [Beserk Button now disengaged.]
“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped [that's an amusing misspelling of 'clapped', but I prefer the current word] koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether [they'll forgive murder because you look good with someone. *Facepalm*]. Satan and I started to walk outside.

“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice. [It's quite easy.]
“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car. [Yes, but you don't need to be. Any human could attack someone and drink them dry. It only helps to be a vampire.]

“Siriusly?” he gasped. [Oh, like he couldn't tell...]

“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer [what is her sudden fixation with beer?]. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. [Interesting...]
“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”

“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol. [Inane writing is getting more and more inane. I can't take much more.]

“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers [hur hur]. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay [she's completely forgot that she's with Draco and he's the fucking Dark Lord]!1 He looked at me all emo [it was only a matter of time] with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.

“I wood like to peasant [how very appropriate...]……………..XBlakXTearX!11” he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.

“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song [yes... we know...]) My voice sounded lik a pentagram [it's too late, we already know you can say 'cross'] betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation [in front of everyone?]. “I’M NUT OKAY!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak. [OH NOES!]

“OMFG!1” yielded James [that's hardly yielding]. “Wut the fuck?”

“Woops im sory!” said Lucian.

“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.

“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”

“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.

“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro. [Why didn't they just roll with it? It's hardly the end of the world. Yet more proof, dear reader, that 'goffs' are childish twats that overreact about absolutely everything.]

“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. [They're wizards: why does he need a knife?]

“OMFG no!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm. [What with? No-one's carrying any firearms!]
And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 [I hope it takes your head off.]
“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak. [Your world would be pain before it went black. You must have a very low pain tolerance if you passed out instantly.]

Oh, I'm fed up of this fic... It's amazing how much fail can be contained in Tara's words.

Until next time!

Tuesday, 4 January 2011


I will never be defeated by this fic. It may reduce me to dumbfoundedness, but it shall never defeat me. This chapter is tiny, but I don't want to absorb too much of this thing at once.

OK PPL HU REVIEW 2 SAY SHIT ABOUT MI STORI CAN GO FUKK DEMSELFS. my stori is beleiveble [blatant lies are blatant lies. You just won the coveted 'bullshit' label] u just hav 2 keep readin n u can c y [it's against my better judgment, but I have to]!1 but to ppl hu gav me good reveiws, THANX U GUYZ ROKK 333 LUV U [I wouldn't say that if I were you, you obviously don't know what they're doing.]
"Hey betch wat r u doin home." midnite asked. [Uh... Wasn't she with the Cullens in the previous chapter? Are there two of them? Or does she just suffer from short term memory loss? Or does she just suffer from short term memory loss?]
"u hav 2 promise not 2 say nething..." i sed nervly n midnite laffed n sed "hu wuld i say somthing 2, we r loners remeber?" [That means they must never say anything to anyone about anything. What boring individuals.]
"o yea" i sed and told her evrythin dat hapened. she gosped wen i told her abot edword kissing me [yeah, she gasps at that part. Not the part when Eddie hulked out, the family tried to tear her clothes off, or when Rose's throat was torn out. Yes, that makes sense...]. "SO WATE" she scremed "R U GUYZ IN LUV NOW OR WHUT?" [Are you 12?]
"ya were goin 2 homecuming [hur hur] 2getha." i showd her my blakk dress wif lace n leather n my spiky black shoez [sounds delightful. Very smart]. "edword sed he liks dese [I bet he does...]." we laffed happy 2gether n danced arond da house. we were so happi 4 me. i sang tenagerz by mcr. den. ... DA DOOR NOCKED! [By itself?!]
"TWIL WERE R U. sum1 asked frum outside. i went 2 da door n it was alison. i scremed. IF U FUKKING TRI 2 SUKK MI BLOOD AGEN ILL GET ED i told her [hasn't she opened the door yet?]. she bast in2 tearz. midnite quikly jumoed up 2 defend me but i told her to go awey bcuz i culd handle alis. [I doubt it. Alison's already demonstrated that she can tear someone's throat out.]
"ok y did u cum [hur hur] here." i sed. alisenz blody tears dint scare me. i new she had enuf blood 2 last cuz of wen she attaked alison [when she... Attacked herself and tore her own throat out? WHAT?!]. "i felt sooo bad 4 tring to drink ur blood" she histericly cry. "i wnted 2 alopogize wif a present." [Jesus, this really DOES hurt. It takes effort to make writing this trite.]
"All i wnat in dis world is edword, n i hav him so noting u can giv me matterz." i shucffed [WHAT IS THAT WORD?! WHAT IS IT A MISSPELLING OF?!] at her. But den ... she held up 2 TIKKETS 2 A MCR CONSERT! [And then she promptly forgot all of her principles.]
"OMFGGGGG!111" i was static [you were unmoving. Fair enough]. i grabed dem from her [rather rude] n gave 1 2 midnite. "actully" alison wimpered "1 was suposed 2 be 4 me. so we cold go 2getha"
"But i wanted 2 go wif ed [if you want to go with Edward, why did you give the second ticket to your sister?]" i shoted. i imagned his beutiful face wif his blakk eyliner n blakk lipstik. n his smexi bodi. OK alison sed. "we can jus tak mi hole family. esmet realli luvs mcr 2" [Two. Damn. Tickets.]
so we went to da consert n ed n i had innercoarse on da way. evry1 tought we wer so cute. [How predictable.]
"THIS NITE WALK DA DEAD" scremed gerad way. den... EVENIEZENCE KAME ON! dey sand a duet wif mcr. den dey sang sum more stuff. [I'm glad it's not being detailed at any rate.]
emet had an ejaxclamation [is that a cross between ejaculation and exclamation? That sounds... Interesting] in da audience n sudenly HE TURNED IN2 A BAT. "OH SHITTTTT NOOOO" EDWard sighed [that's a highly articulate sigh]. "dis is bad too twola, dis is realli bad." all dis bad stuf kept hapening wile i was wif dem [you're a jinx. I think you should shoot yourself]. vampirs turn int2 batz wen dey r realli exited [Twila's been pretty damn excited recently, so why hasn't she turned yet?] n evry1 wuld no his secret but no1 cared cuz dey wer all gothz [I think it'd freak out at least one of them]. gerad lookd at him from da stage n he jumpd down thru da crowd n came over 2 us.
"Hey r u a bat [I sense that he's a bit of a moron]." he sed in his fukking killer voce. i CREAMED so loud [hahahaha!] bcuz i luvvv gerad wif all my lyfe. his makueup waz runing bcuz he waz cring cuz dey sang helen (a/n dat song is abot his grandpa hu dyed RIP GERARDS GRANPA [quite. And was his grandfather called Helena? You'll excuse me if I don't give a shit]) but he glarced at emset n tuched his wings n he turned bak. [Great, does he have powers as well as everyone else?]
gerad went home wif da cullenz bcuz he nd emet becam bfs [no...]. cuz dey fell in luv [this is a crazy fantasy she's got going]. i was sooo jealous but ed got angy n i told him i luv him so it waz ok. WE ALL WENT HOM N I GOT GERARDS AUTOGRAF. [O RLY?]
PLZ GUYZ GIV ME MOR REVEIWS I FINK DIS WAZ A REALLI GUD CHAPTER [I think it was really awful. I believe you might agree, dear reader.]

Well, that took a disproportionate amount of time, considering how short it is. I'm going to go and forget that this mess of a fic exists now. Farewell!

Until next time!

Monday, 3 January 2011


Righty, let's do some more this this terrible trollfic. It's only a short one today, as I really can't be arsed with absorbing too much Twilight and sparkly vampires.

FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine [it really isn't] u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos. if u lik bella [I would never lick Bella, no matter how drunk I was] i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names. [I'd like to say that if you've read something, you shouldn't write like this. Unfortunately, the offending article is Twilight, so I'll let it slide.]
and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE [o.0]. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER [If you wanted conclusive proof that this is a troll, you now have it.]
Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that [well, that's a new one. Why isn't he sparkling yet?].) he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans [are they a piss-take band? Why doesn't he play something more appropriate, like Moonlight Sonata? Hmm, it's probably to do with this being a Twilight fic that riffs off My Immortal]. i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice [arrogant] "Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?" every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me [of course they don't. She's unique, just like everyone else]. OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths. [Restraint is clearly an art lost to Twificpires.]
"WOT R U DOING?" i creamed [I bet you did. "And I jizzed in my pants."]. deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. den they stoppd and confused. [They stopped and confused? That makes little to no sense.]
"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts [I find it amusing that none of them could resist. Also, was that a subtle nod to the World of Darkness? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. If they turn into savage beasts, why don't they drink human blood?]. it wnt hapen agen" puting bak on mi clothe.
"Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod. [OH GOD, THIS HURTS!]
"it must be ur blood" sed carlose in horrofied [in horrified? WHAT?!]. "Beauty [that's not commonly a term of address, even among vampires], u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, evry vampir wil want to drink it. itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?" [Good god, this is a REALLY overt Mary Sue!]
"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling [time for the ritual hatred of Bella]. Midnite hugged him [when did her sister get here? Maybe I missed it] so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk. [Oh god...]
"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me [WHAT?!]" sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian [I was unaware people still used that word]. edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed! [WHAT?!]
"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt [how human of her. Vampire's generally don't care when things get hurt]. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice [Has he turned into The Hulk? Did Edward Cullen just turn into The Hulk?]
"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her [yes, we know what glass exploding looks like]. He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me. [Very chivalrous. He's actually fighting a woman?]
"Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized [you're going to make a compromise. That's not a dialog tag] "Guess wat srry im not a lebian [wait, Alice is a lesbian? I'm sorry, I lost what was going on quite a while ago. I feel like the IT Crowd's Douglas]." alice started 2 cry tearz of blood [oh, not this again...]. "Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios
"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time [when did he get out? If he was in the toilet, it brings up a medley of questions that I shall not ask]. "wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims [they do drink from humans then?], shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN" [Why run? Twila's a vampire. Vampires are supposed to feed from humans. Unless this has somehow become the World of Darkness, in which case feeding from another vampire is a crime.]
Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie [that's very clumsy] instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me [what does that have to do with anything?] n her throat flew open. n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it. [Her throat? You can't eat liquid.]
"Ohh mi satan" i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. edward jus laughed "its ok babe" [is there a quiet place on the internet where I can shoot myself?] he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! (He had turned back from blak ed to white ed [whaaaaa?!] (a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET [marvelous. That sounds like shit]) n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life." [It's not as bad as Lestat I suppose.]
so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king 4 diner [o.0] bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my. his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen.

Yeah, words have utterly failed me. This is actually painful to read.
Until the next fail-chapter!

Sunday, 2 January 2011

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 31, 32, 33, & 34

Hmm... The tip of my tongue's gone numb. The only cure is more cowbell. Unfortunately, I don't have a cowbell, so I'll have to make do with tearing apart some more My Immortal.

Chapter 31.

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs [she's making words up now]!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u [I don't need to know what's going to happen to know that it's gonna be crap]!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111


“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox ["son of a bitch" is not unique to Buffy. I wish Buffy'd come along and kill the entire cast of My Immortal]!111).” Serious said 2 Snape.

“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Snap clamed. [He was certainly teaching them something, but it wasn't schoolwork.]

“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it [Severus and Snape are now two different people]. He did arngrily [you've said that he was made to drink it. You do not need to then state that he did so. To do so is redundant]. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes [I don't know what he's secreting, thanks]. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times [literally?]. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B’loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid’s store. [I don't even know who half these people are supposed to be anymore. Despite this still being the present, Voldemort and Riddle are still inexplicably different people.]

“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Profesor Trevolry.

“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut [how very appropriate] black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots [yeah, I'll bet they helped you...] Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. [Is she really that helpless?]
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said. [ >.>]

“Fangs.” I said. [I really am sick of the puns now.]

“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said Proffesor Sinister. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” She gave me a blak gun [does EVERYTHING have to be black? Although I'm going to assume she was given a Glock 17, purely because they're black]. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill ["You were almost an Enoby sandwich."]. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. “After an hour use da time torner to go back here.” Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B’loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me [why? It's not a CCTV linked to her eyes. I hope]. Every1 went in front of it. [We have experienced mass bladder failure in a fanfic. We are more complete human beings.]
“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin. Then……….. I jumped sexily [how?] in2 da Pensive. [She's got a time-turner, so why bother with the penseive? One can not manipulate events in a memory.]

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans [he sounds like a tramp]. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111 [o.0 What's he doing here?! He should be in Middle Earth!]
Chapter 32.

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself [she seems to have an unhealthy fixation with that phrase]!11111 U SUK!111111


“Hi.” I said flirtily. “Im Enoby Way [ugh...] da new student.” I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam” [His parents had serious issues.]
We shok hands. “Well come on we have 2 go upstairs.” Satan said. I followed him. “Hey Satan…… u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?” (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den [they didn't in 1997 either, to my knowledge]) I asked.

“Oh my fuking god, how did u know?” Satan gasped. “actually I like gc a lot too.”(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that’s ounded really 80s) [I've just listened to it, just to know my facts. It sounds about as 80's as a car crash.]

“omg me too!” I replied happily.

“guess what they have a concert in hogsment.” satan whispered. [Another muggle band playing in a magical village... What is going on?]
“hogsment?” I asked.

“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000 [wait... Wait a moment! I have two questions. Firstly, how does he know what it'll be called in 2000? Secondly, he attended Hogwarts from 1938 to 1945, so what's going on?! What is this confusion she has about canon and common sense?].” he told me all sekrtivly. “and theres a really cool shop called Hot-“

‘topic!” I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” he moaned. [How does he know these things?!]
“ohh.” now everything was making sense for me. “so is dumblydor your princepill?” I shouted.

“uh-huh.” he looked at his black nails. “im in slitherin’” [I forget who was Headmaster at the time, but it wasn't Dumbledore. He was a lowly professor.]
“OMfG SHME TOO!” I SHRIEDKED. [Everyone is. The rest are 'prepz'.]
“u go to this skull?”(geddit cos im goffik [oh piss off]) he asked.

“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters [this is the 40's]. “STUPID GOFFS!”

satan rolled his eyes. “his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we’re in slytherine and we’re not preps.” [It's probably more to do with your being a subculture with a notorious aversion to work.]

I turned around angrily. “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord.” [She's rather an idiot, wouldn't you agree?]

“wtf?” he asked angrily. [Well, now we know where he got the idea from.]
“oh nuffin.” I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.” [You should be used to that by now.]
“hey where r u goin?” satan asked as I fell. [I'd have thought that was obvious.]
I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry’s classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. “dumblydore I think I just met u.” I said.

“oh yeah I rememba that.” dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. [She's trying to write time travel well and failing miserably.]

sinister came in. “hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?”

:”um.” I looked at her.

“oh yeaH I forgot bout that.” [Inane conversation is inane.]

“wth how?” I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. [I hit things, briefly forgetting what they are. But they're 'goffs' so it's OK.]

professor sinster looked sad. “um I was drinking voldemortserum [uh...?].” she started to cry black tears of depression [yup, my tears turn black when I'm depressed as well]. dumblydum didn’t know about them.

“hey r u crying tears of blood?” he asked curiously, tuching a tear. [Actually, they're tears of pure depression.]
“fuck off!” we both said and dumblydum took his hand away. [If I'd have told the headmaster to fuck off, I'd have been expelled. Bert sure is lenient.]
professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. “omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum.” [She's addicted to Voldemort. That's quite scary. Which part of him is the serum made from? Oh... I don't want to know.]

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112 [If you've become addicted to Lord Voldemort, you should probably shoot yourself. In the head. With a shotgun.]

Chapter 33.

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don’t lik da story den ur a prep [I'm proud to be a prep, if you're the alternative] so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz [o.0] nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1 [She's writing a story as well? And Tara's going to HELP?! Oh christ...]

“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?” [If any anime permeates into this fic, I will murder.]

“Hel no!” she said. “Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson ["Whoa..."] 4 sum help?”

“Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. [I sleep in my boxers, thus negating the need to convert crap into pajamas. And then vividly describing them. Also, 'Panama?']
“Hey Sexxy.” I said.

“How’d it go Enoby?” he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. [We get the picture. We honestly get the picture. I pity you if you don't get the picture by now.]

“Fine.” I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

“How far did u go wif Satan?” Drako asked jealously. [They haven't even reached a base yet. She was barely there 5 minutes.]
“Not 2 far, lol.” I borked. [Bork, bork, bork.]
“Will you hav to do it with him?” Draco asked angstily. [This fic does not need any more angst.]
“I hop not 2 far!111” I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched. [Yeah, I kiss people after I shoot them as well.]
“What happened 2 Snipe?” I growled.

“U will see.” Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door……………Snap nd Lumpkin [o.0] werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. [I fail to comprehend that sentence, so I'm just going to nod my head.]

“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood [Wait... He's not a vampire. This is Sirius we're talking about, isn't it? And who the hell's Lumpkin?!]. I laffed statistically ["101010101010101010101z"]. I tok some photons of him [o.0] and Snap bing torqued [o.0]. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz [no they're not] nd Snap trid 2 rap dem [fo' shizzle] and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz [wait, what? WHAT?! WHAAAAA?!?!]). We took sum of Snipe’s blod [as you do] den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot [oh god... And yes, your clothes are very dirty. They always are. Slut] on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U  
[not a bad film on a technical level. But I should think nearly everyone's heard of it]!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ‘desolition liverz’ by MCR. [You said "your rooms. That implies you went to your individual rooms. This reads as if Draco's in your room.]
Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez [that was a waste of time. Surely they'd be hornier naked? Then again, the way Enoby dresses, that could be disputed]. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz [hilarious]. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge [The Grudge never made out with people]. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. [OK... She has a wetness, and he has a you-know-what, not the other way around. Writing 'penis' and 'vagina' would have negated this problem. Unless she got them confused. Furthermore, an orgy is not what she thinks. She means 'orgasm', which means she must suffer from some form of prematurity, considering it happened as soon as he put his vagina inside her penis.]

“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation. [He got an erection AFTER he entered her? WHAT?!]

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. [Hilarious, I'm sure. He can't love her that much as he can't even get her name right. Then again, neither can she.]
Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story [unfortunately, yes]!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U [it's all so black and white for her]!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1


I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone [she doesn't seem to care]. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees [I really don't care]. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots [I presume the dash is supposed to indicate an elongated sound? Like 'boooooooooooots'. That sounds about right]. Suddenly…………………. Sorious cocked on da door [he... cocked on the door? WHAT?!]. I hopened it. [His cock? Oooh, that was cheap...]
“Hi Ibony [that's a new one].” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum [hur hur] 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”

“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway. [Even though you're not fucking Draco? There's still something in the water then.]
“So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily. [I think Sirius is a bit too old for you.]
“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way [I could convert that utterance into binary, but I really can't be bothered]. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”

I laughed evilly.

“Where r Draco and Vampira?” I muttered. [Great, Harry's had a sex change now.]

“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily [there's no ways that can be a mistake]. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.”

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic [Link broken. You fail.]

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. [Yup, that's the way to overcome an addiction.]

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

“Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited [go cold turkey you lazy bitch].” she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!”

And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall [we've been over this] eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan [as you do]. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes [40's. 40's. 40's. 40's]. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed……he was drinking a portent. [He was drinking a sign of terrible things to come? I... See...]

“Whose he!11” I asked.

“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn [o.0].” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher [I can feasibly imagine Hogwarts students being taught how to read and recognise portents. However, they already are]…………..Ebony?”

“Yah?” I asked.

“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat.” [40's. 40's. 40's. 40's.]

“Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?” [She obviously does.]

Well, that was thoroughly mind-numbing. I'd write something using a superior use of the English language to this, but I really don't have the energy. And My Immortal has given me a headache.

Until next time!

Saturday, 1 January 2011


This shall henceforth be known as TDGWWILWAV. If only to make it sound more horrendous than it actually is. Unfortunately, that is an impossible task, dear reader. This thing... Well, it's bad. Very bad. Brain-bleach bad. Fortunately, however (and this is fortunate) it's actually a trollfic. That's right, it's not actually serious! Which is a good job, frankly. I've seen some genuinely bad writing, but this might have took the cake. It's a Twilight trollfic, and it's very bad indeed. It also takes it's inspiration from My Immortal, so god help you all.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CHAPTER 1 [Hmm... I wonder what it's going to be about? Also, it should be obvious. Notice how her name's a shortened version of 'Twilight'? Or it at least spins off it.]
Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz [her parents must have been off their heads on PCP. It's a shame they didn't just decide to eat her] (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet [there's something to be said for spoiling the entire story right at the beginning: it's shitty]) n i live in waschington [this is possibly set in an alternate universe where all place-names have inexplicably turned pseudo-German. I will therefore assume that she actually lives in The Wash] wif my sister Midnite [perheps their parents are actually hippies. That take PCP]. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires [this seems to be turning into a running joke in my Dramatic Commentaries]. we feest on blood [that's a common trait among vampires. If it's not human blood, however, I'll be mad n no1 else noes [oh noes!] dat we are vampirs. not evn are mom [what about your father? And since when could human parents make vampire babies?! At least now we know why  a woman's period stops during pregnancy: we're all baby vampires and have been drinking the blood. And how did she not notice them sparkling in sunlight and hunting for blood?!] wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. yes we r LONERS. [Congratulations.]
i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott [oh, here we go again...], i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes [topaz comes in blue, brown, orange, gray, yellow, green, pink, reddish pink, and clear varieties. Your description is lacking] n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez. i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes [you sound like a panda], (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too [and what a dubious distinction that is] and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok [again: what a dubious distinction that is. The woman who thinks vampires should sparkle, rather than turn to ash, in sunlight thinks her main character is 'hot'. Dubious, indeed].) i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up) that menz i hate other ppl [so... you tell us to look up the meaning of misanthropy, while promptly telling us what it means. Yes, that makes perfect sense... With the existence of google to look things up, there's also no need whatsoever to spell it wrong] accept midnite. [She's a vampire, not a person. Therefore, she does not count.]
one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS [there's more than one of him? Oh lord...] he haz realli white skin lyk me. he is satan's gift [oh no, NOT ANOTHER ONE] to dis planet (a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart [there are so many things wrong with that sentence that I'm not even going to begin].) so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann [and here we go with the ritual hatred of Bella! I know I'm in Sparkleland now]. she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat. edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine. [As in topaz? As in no distinct colour? Agh!]
"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce [o.0] n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran [I actually don't think that was a slip] away. i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite [Pardon me? Me no speaky retard.]
neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob [poser prep scum]. ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose wnated 2 meet me [how did he know, considering he's not been told?]. n his sisters alice, rosmarie, jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2.
so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way. [It's a wonder these clumsy sods haven't been staked yet.]
when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty [of course.]
"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" he teasd me seductevly. ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married. [They all like her... This is already taking me to places I don't want to go.]
"Yea thats me lol" i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite [this is the west. It should therefore be a curtsy]) "nice to met you i said. [At least she's somewhat polite.]
"So i hear ur a vampir, cum [hur hur] in my house n we can talk about it."
I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends. [AwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!]

I do fear for my sanity sometimes, dear reader. Until the next time!

Twitter Delicious Digg Stumbleupon Favorites