It turns out doing this in increments was actually a good idea, as this takes me neatly up to a milestone in My Immortal: chapter 39. You'll see when we get there, dear reader.
Chapter 35. gost of u [When she's quite blatantly copying song titles from her terrible bands, you'd think she'd spell them properly.]
AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea [what idea? Uh-oh, this won't end well... I refuse to believe people were giving her ideas]!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U [that's not strictly true, is it?]!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius [well, 'Sirius' is quite gothic]!1 fangz.
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I went in2 da Conmen Room [that must be where they keep the cast of Hustle] finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped………………..Draco wuz there!111 [Dun, dun, duuuun!]
I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.
“Draco what da fuk r u dong [hur hur]!111111” I gosped.
“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms. [What do you mean 'still'?]
“Oh hi Lucian!1” I sed. “Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz.” [I've the feeling that that speech mark isn't mean to be there.]
“Yah Satan told me abot you.” Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting [aye, they had groups dedicated to self-harming back in the 40's. Also, this is THE FRIGGING 40'S]. It wuz Serious, Vampire’s dad and………………Snap [oh noes!]! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts [it's the 40's. It's the motherfucking 40's]. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” he said. “Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up. [AGH! It's the 40's. No, I'll not stop making that point.]
“ORLY.” I ESKED.
“Hey bastards.” I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin. Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly. [Oh, I know where this is going.]
“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.” [There are so many spelling mistakes in that one line utterance that it's not even funny.]
“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.
“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said. [Verily, a snigger is what runs through my mind every time I read another line.]
“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.” [I told you I knew where this was going.]
“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111
“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?” [Not really.]
Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah [AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH]!11) Gurn Day.
“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song [yes, we know]).. Every1 gasped.
“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap. [Hive mind! Woohoo! Also, I could see that one coming.]
“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. “Are we gong to play tonight?”
“Yah.” they said.
“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit [doesn't she have enough clothes as it is? Then again, this is the past]. I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli [oh god...]!1 He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.
“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked. [She's less concerned that he's Marty Mcfly, and more concerned that he's there.]
“I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby.” he said siriusly Den……….he took out a blak tim machine [why not the DeLorean? WHY?!]. I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111
Chapter 36.
AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz [I bet you're a 7 year old]!111 ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111 [Get that creature out of my country.]
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I loked around in a depresed way [why? She wanted to go forward, after all]. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B’lody Mary, Socrates [o.0] and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.
“OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111”
“Yah I no.” Serious said sadly.
“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom. [Why doesn't that lazy bitch go cold turkey?]
Hi fuker [how very inane].” I said. “Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet [must be a black cornetto] and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I’m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too.”
“Oh my satan!1” (geddit lolz koz shes gofik [yes. You've made that exact joke about 50 times now]) gasped B’lody Mary. “Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?”
“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry.
“I can’t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first.” said Willow. [I am the man with stuff: for all your stuff needs.]
“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” Darko said resultantly.
“Well we have potions klass now [convenient].” Willow said so let’s go.
We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111 [o.0]
“Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111” Draco shouted angrily. [... He's not supposed to be there anyway.]
“STFU [Christ, is everyone childish in this fic?]!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck. “He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer [I thought it was alzheimers?]. “Now do ur work!111”
My friendz and I talked arngrily.
“Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1” Vampire asked surprisedly. [Does it fucking MATTER?!]
“DATZ IT!11” CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. “IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111”
['Bridge'?]
He stomped out angrily.
Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer [sounds like an interesting cocktail]. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard. [Must be a bloody big cupboard.]
“WTF is he doing?” I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. Suddenly……………“HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11” he shooted.
I looked around…………….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod [Hagrid is the new Agent 47]!11 Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily. [As you do.]
“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was………………Amnesia Portion!111 [I've forgot what that does.]
Chapter 37.
AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX [end it. End it now]. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11
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DARKO’S PONT OF VIEW LOL [Hilarious.]
Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.
“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot [*Teddy bangs his head on the wall in exasperation*]. “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1” [Uh, that's not what amnesia does.]
“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata [sounds like a potato],” said Vampire. “Why would u need it?”
“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Enoby. [But how will it?]
“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.
“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep. [Remember I asked you to remember that name, so many chapters ago? Have you noticed that every prep is called Britney?]
“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow. [It's a wonder all the 'goffs' haven't been lynched yet.]
“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.”
Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there. Instead Tom Rid was. [He's still not Voldemort.]
Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez. [Speech marks?]
I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz [they're made of mouldy cheese. How very appropriate], blood red fishnetz and a blak corset
[Whore clothes, basically.]
“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag.
“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall. [He's not got a very good memory. He must have had a swig of that amnesia potion. Wait, have we switched POV?! I didn't even notice!]
“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now [good. May she rot there]. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.
“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11” [Quite easily. They're the ones in control after all.]
Suddenly Dumblydore came. [There must be something in the water at Azkaban as well.]
“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine [seriously, what happened to the car?]!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface [that sounds absolutely disgusting]! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. I put it in my poket [I thought she had an aversion to crosses? Also, that bottle encapsulates juxtaposition]. Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn!11
OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.[What? Sense: make it.]
“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said [I didn't] finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket. [Would you kindly stop hijacking me?]
“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn.
You went [no I didn't] to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.
“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”
“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious. “BTW u can kall me Hades now.” Suddenly Satan came [sounds fiery]. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes [vote for Satan], a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.
“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan. [I bet you did...]
Chapter 38.
AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation [no. Just stop it.]? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111
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Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco’s car. I went in it seduktivly. Stan started 2 drive it. We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan [yes, we noticed]), kuttting, musik and being goffik. [That's being an emo, I'm afraid. You seem to have the two badly confused.]
“Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11” Volxemort agreed [did he just become the Dark Lord?] as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy) [Marvelous.]
“Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena [it'd probably have pushed me over the edge. And instilled in me a desire to take a crowd of people with me].” I said in a flirty voice. “……….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?” [Yes, what should one do if one becomes addicted to your serum? He's not Voldemort yet, so surely that stuff shouldn't even exist?]
“Well………………” he thought. “I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod.” [I can see where this is going as well.]
Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. Satan and I walked outside. We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist [40's]. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol [I don't remember that part in the Exorcist]. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we’re sadists. ["Blood, lol."]
While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan’s gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar [is that a euphanism?] sexily from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it [OK, maybe not]. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag [it came from his pocket though]. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.
“OMG!111” Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. “Enoby gess what?”
I new that the amnesia had worked. [Oh no... Wait for it, dear reader!]
“Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work [yes! Not only does he recognise it instantly, it also doesn't work because it's not been invented yet. That creates so many paradoxes that it makes my head hurt. You have to wonder how things ever get invented].” He said. “2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u.” [Voldemort is a date-raper. Except he uses the power of memory loss rather than sleep.]
“Kul.” I raised my eye suggestingly [she's too dumb to live]. And den………. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out [what a slutty girl. In the middle of a cinema too]. I tok of his shit [apt]. He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.
“Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111” shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. [Beserk Button engaged.]
“Fuk u!11” I said. Suddenly…………………. I attaked her suking all her blood. [Beserk Button now disengaged.]
“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped [that's an amusing misspelling of 'clapped', but I prefer the current word] koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether [they'll forgive murder because you look good with someone. *Facepalm*]. Satan and I started to walk outside.
“Zomg how did u do that?” Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice. [It's quite easy.]
“I’m a vampire.” I said as we went into the car. [Yes, but you don't need to be. Any human could attack someone and drink them dry. It only helps to be a vampire.]
“Siriusly?” he gasped. [Oh, like he couldn't tell...]
“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer [what is her sudden fixation with beer?]. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily. [Interesting...]
“Itz too bad we didn’t get 2 c da rest of the movie, don’t u fink?”
“Yah.” I said as we kised passively. Satan parked in a blak driveway next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol. [Inane writing is getting more and more inane. I can't take much more.]
“Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111” screamed Marlin on da stage. We did the devil fingers [hur hur]. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay [she's completely forgot that she's with Draco and he's the fucking Dark Lord]!1 He looked at me all emo [it was only a matter of time] with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.
“I wood like to peasant [how very appropriate...]……………..XBlakXTearX!11” he said. I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. I got onstag.
“Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111” I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song [yes... we know...]) My voice sounded lik a pentagram [it's too late, we already know you can say 'cross'] betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation [in front of everyone?]. “I’M NUT OKAY!1” I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak. [OH NOES!]
“OMFG!1” yielded James [that's hardly yielding]. “Wut the fuck?”
“Woops im sory!” said Lucian.
“You fuking ashhole!1” James shouted angrily.
“U guys are such prepz!11” Snap said. “Cum on it wuz a mistake!1”
“Yah itz not his fault!11” said Serious.
“No he ruined the fucking song!1” yelled Samaro. [Why didn't they just roll with it? It's hardly the end of the world. Yet more proof, dear reader, that 'goffs' are childish twats that overreact about absolutely everything.]
“U guys stop!11” I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife. [They're wizards: why does he need a knife?]
“OMFG no!11” shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm. [What with? No-one's carrying any firearms!]
And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 [I hope it takes your head off.]
“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak. [Your world would be pain before it went black. You must have a very low pain tolerance if you passed out instantly.]
Oh, I'm fed up of this fic... It's amazing how much fail can be contained in Tara's words.
Until next time!
Teddy
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