Monday, 10 January 2011

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 39

Oh, this is a special one, dear reader, so very special... I've been waiting for this. You see, at this point in the fic, Tara's account supposedly got hijacked by a woman of malicious intent. A troll. The results of this hacking are highly amusing, as the troll wrote her own little chapter in the fic. Indeed, the fic could have been ended there, for reasons which we shall shortly see. Let's do this, dear reader.

Chapter 39. I Am A Trolling Genious, lolz [You can't be that much of a genius if you can't even spell it correctly, dear. Agh, this doesn't bode well...]
Disclaimer: I do not own the HP series [yes, I can just imagine J.K. Rowling doing this. Not that I'd actually blame her] and I am not the real XXXbloodyrists666XXX. [I'd deny that I was her even if I actually was her.]
AN// I am an extremely immature pathetic idiot girl, I know. Out of boredom, I crack this girl's passy [for some unfathomable reason, that particular piece of slang infuriates me] for fun (and it took less than 8 minutes to do it too [it was probably 'MCR666']) and will probably get in a shitload of trouble. Which I probably deserve 'cause I'm being a troll right now. Meh. [Well, this is certainly a new stance for a troll to take. It's certainly a shock to the system. It's actually almost scary.]
And I present to you MY crappy part in this story. (And take note I haven't even finished reading this fic yet, but instead skip over to skim chapter 38 [I do get the feeling that English is not this girl's first language... It's not exactly Zero Wingrish, but it's still incorrect. Regardless, I shall still tear this to pieces].) Flame, laugh, do whatever you want "preps."

I, the American retail wearing british [I'm glad someone else realised this. Also, capital B for British] vampire Sue, coughed up blood.

Satan kneeled [knelt, although 'kneeled' is a word in some circles. Not mine though] down beside me.

"Noooooooooooooooo! Don't die!" [It's not really something that one can control. Although I'm no better with this. Bah.]

I gave him a rueful smile. "I'm sorry. It's something I had to do, to fufill my duty as the noble gothic Mary Sue." [Technically, she's an Emo Sue, but we won't split hairs. Regardless, Enoby's just not intelligent enough to come out with something like that. She's also far from noble, which begs the question: is this still from Enoby's POV? If it is, she's just become hideously out of character, although that's no bad thing.]
Satan sobbed. "I love you Ebony." [Of course you do. Everyone does. It's really getting on my tits. I hope she hurries up and dies.]

"I love you two [that's an unfortunate typo]. I'll...I'll see you in hell." I mumbled, already finding my surroundings fading to black.
[I wonder where you are tonight
You're probably on the rampage somewhere
You have been known to take delight
In gettin' in somebody's hair
And you always had the knack
Fade to black]

B'loody Mary Smith suddenly popped into the room for no apparent reason [that seems to be a regular occurrence in this fic. +1 for noticing it]. She frowned when she realized the room was oddly quiet, but at the sight of Ebony's [how dare you spell it wrong!] lifeless body, she screamed. Her face became pale with horror. She screamed for the healers, Dumbledore, Mcgoogle [I'm sorry, are we still using Enoby's names? I can't tell as we've got one correct and one incorrect name. I have become confused], and every single gothic person she could think of. [The room became full with thousands of goffs. The end.]

Suddenly, a glow started to surround the body of Ebony. Everyone stared in shock. Her body started to lift ever so slowly and then, to everyone's shock, it started to incinerate. [That'll save a fortune on cremation.]
When everyone realized what was happening, they rushed over to try to rescue the body, but it was too late, the Sue became nothing more then a pile of ashes. [Ding dong, the witch is dead!]
A loud resounding of everyone bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!" filled the room.

A flash of white light from the ashes then started to bounce around the room. Everyone cowered in fear and were temporarily blinded. When it was all over, things changed. [She still has Sue powers, even when dead. There is truly no justice.]
All the silly goth clothes dropped from everyone's bodies [there wasn't really much that could fall off] (AN//I will refuse to explain how the hell that happened [nothing new for this fic].) and, in their place, clothes the characters would normally wear in canon appeared on their bodies. [The horror. The HORROR!]

When everyone got over the shock of becoming free of the gofick power, everybody cheered [so did I]. Everyone started singing 'Ding dong the sue is dead...' [deja vu, dear reader! Also, expect a new post with the lyrics for that song at some point] Well, that is, until all the HP characters realized the true implications of becoming more canon like again. [This should be good...]
All the characters who were supposed to be dead fell to the floor, their bodies cold and lifeless [that should be a few dozen corpses]. Harry and Voldemort started dueling [finally!]. On the left side of the two, the battle of the Light Side and the Dark Side were reaching a climax. [Hur hur. Also, who's on the left?]
And, because the replacement author also likes to screw around with canon, Draco and Hermione fled the scene and got married. [And there we go with ritual canon-rape again... The fandom hurts, it really does.]


Down in hell, Ebony shed a single tear because of her current situation. A situation that would live on for all eternity. Or at least until the end of fanfiction time. [So all eternity then.]
She lost it all, but she knew she had to remain strong. Nothing would ever break her down. [You'd think she'd be happy, being in Hell.]

She looked down over her pale body, and frowned. 'Where are my emo clothes? [they're more dominatrix clothes, but we'll agree to differ]' She asked herself in confusion.

And then it occured to her... [Wait for it...]
For her shirt, she was wearing a bright pink polo with a little seagull on the (right or left? I can't remember [does it matter?]) side. Below that, she was wearing a denim miniskirt with the "destroyed" look on it. Paired underneath that skirt were leggings with a little moose at the bottom [I'd prefer a little elk]. And then Ebony realized, on her shoulder, she was carrying a pretty bag with an eagle on it that said Live Your Life written all over the bag. [And yet she still has pale skin. You'd think she'd become tanned.]
Ebony supressed the urge to scream. Here she was decked out in clothes prep to the extreme wearing stuff from Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, AND Hollister. [Truly, this is hell.]
Panicked, Ebony hastily tried to take off the Hollister polo, but underneath it, there was another Hollister polo underneath. Ebony frowned, and looked under her shirt. All she saw was a bra underneath (dare I point out it's from the Aerie line available at American Eagle [you may, even though that means nothing to me]?). Ebony tried to remove the shirt again. But to her frustration, there was yet again another polo to replace it.

"THIS IS UNLOGICAL [so it that word] AND DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!" Ebony bellowed out to the air. She failed to see the irony in her statement, how hypocrytical her words were, seeing as she was practically calling the kettle black here. [Indeed.]
Ebony slit her writs and mumbled to herself, "Omigod." [That should be 'omisatan'.]
/End Crap Fic. [HOORAY!!!]
AN// Oh yeah, if you wanna see the original content this chick had planned for this chapter, I accessed it through the document manager thingy, which I copied and pasted, so you can read it here: [Oh bollocks...]
AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz. fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111 [Ah, that's more like it... I'd quite like to Ha Bisky Tara in the face. Twice.]

I woke up in da Norse’s ["By Odin!"] offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma [he should be in a semicolon] coz Vampir and Draco had bet ["I'll raise you 50."] him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.

“Oh mi satan wut happened [that's more like it!]!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came [hur hur]. He loked less mean then usual. [The tension just got royally diffused.]

“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.

“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. [Yes, selectively... Because that completely makes sense, yes...]

“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked. [Christ... He's the Big Bad, WHY DO YOU CARE?!]
Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came [all at the same time. It's like the porno that never was]! B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD. [Well, that was utterly pointless.]
“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.

“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem [yeah, I'm asking that as well. I have been for a while actually]. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped. [Hahaha, 'lick dead'. I'm far too sober for this...]
“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”[WHAT?! HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?! ALL CAPS OF DOOM COMMAND YOU TO ANSWER AND GIVE REASONING!]

“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms! [He does in the bloody canon as well!]
“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.

“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James. [What? He was possessed by himself? How does that work?!]

“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”

“And he wuz such a fuking poser [arson, murder, and jaywalking. It's all the same with these goffs]2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him [that's not a crime].” Well anyway everyone tarted [apt] 2 give me presents [wait... WHY?!]. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride [I could make a joke about the army here, but I'm not going to] in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz. [I think I do after reading this thing.]
“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally. [HA BISKY!]
“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” said Profesor Trevolry. “He duzzn’t know dat ur better. Anyway da norse ["By Odin!"] said u could get up. Cum on [hur hur]!1”

I got up suicidally [I'm getting bored with this now. How does one get up suicidally?]. Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun ['nightgun'? It's like a gun in the night]. Under that I had on [oh here we go again] a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don’t get da idea massage me ill tell u). I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes [vote for Enoby! Actually, don't. Does she actually mean 'Converse?]. I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.

“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow. [Oh, do we have to?]
“We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire. [Giggling like a little girl. Very manly. Wait, he's a goff bi... Never mind then.]

“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine [make up your mind as to what you're calling her]. We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den………..I gasped……………………………………… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap [wait, what? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAA?!]!1111111111111111111111111 He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.

“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily. [I knew that was coming.]
“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun. [He started shooting before he took out his gun?]

“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s. [Assuming they both have penises, how does that work? Actually, I don't want to know...]

“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.

“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it [you slit your wrists with a lump of meat?] suddenly everyfing went blak again. [Oh no, not again.]


An-Anon-Author-Who-Will-Silently-Not-Reveal-Her-Identity-Because-She's-A-Coward :P [That's fair enough, I suppose.]
A.K.A. Just a troll with rocks for brains. [That would be most trolls, then.]

Now I'm going to drown myself in rum...

Until next time!


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