Thursday, 13 January 2011


Okie dokie, dear reader, we've another short one today. I am genuinely considering making them into multiple-bills, like I have with My Immortal, but I fear for my sanity if I do that. Anyway, let's get cracking!

OK PPL I AM NOT A TROL! I AM A VAMPIR [it rather sounds as if you're completely missing the point] OK GET IT STRAIT THANX FOR DA PPL HU GAVE ME GUD REVEIWS [yes, all two of you...] U GUIZ ROKK
I was walking down da halway in skewl [I thought she was too kewl for skewl? Regardless, this is why school is important, dear reader] wen i saw Ed wif... bella [oh noes, conflict! Considering he and Twila are engaged/married/whatever the hell they are now, you'd think he'd avoid Bella]! she waz askin him sumfing n cring all over da place [I'm going to assume that 'cring' is a shortened form of 'crimping'. I now have endless reams of the Mighty Boosh flying through my head]. "Wat is goin on" i snared [that's really not a dialog tag] n edword hugged me n sed "Its ok i waz tring 2 ignore her butt she wnt go away." [Oh. I do stand corrected then.]
"Plz plz edmard [ugh, why does everyone speak in this stupid text-talk? WHY?!]" she cryed. "I realli want 2 go to homecumin [now all we need is some coriander] wid u. i go evry year wif no date n now im in luv wif u nd i want u to b mi date." [Rather pushy, isn't she? Although I suppose it's understandable given the circumstances.]
STFU edward sed [except he didn't say it, did he? Look at the speech marks. Notice how there aren't any. Also, cease the text-talk]. "Cant u see dat i alredi hav a date. Dis is my gf TWILA."
"Yea u better bakk off." i told her. "odderwize thingz mite get messi."

 Excuse me a minute, I feel as if I need to write about Banwyn killing a sci-fi version of this arrogant little girl...

The corridor was as drab as the rest of the building: stark white walls, bare of any decoration. The floor consisted of a series of rectangular grey slabs which echoed metalically under my footsteps. The place was well lit: a series of spotlights peppered the otherwise dark ceiling. Unlike in the rest of the building, however, I was not alone. Two figures stood at the far length of the corridor, just in front of the double doors. They appeared to be speaking to one another, although I could not fully tell due to the distance between us: this was one long corridor. Regardless, they were the first sign of life I'd seen in this place. There was a chance they would know something about my target. Admittedly, it was a long shot... But it was a chance I could not afford to take, especially given that this virtually empty building was all that I had to go on.

As I walked towards them, their physical details became clear. A man and a woman, young. Apparently in their mid-to-late teens. That one detail made me pause. Teenagers on this planet were very commonly associated with crime. Given how law-abiding the rest of the populace were here, it was rather inexplicable. I had to check: it could give me an ace to use against them. They were utterly engrossed with each other - there was no way they would notice. I pulled the identifier out of my pocket and aimed the lens at them, making sure to zoom in on their heads. I only needed a side-view, which was fortunately what I had. I squeezed the trigger and looked at the screen. The damn thing was slow... I once again made a mental note to upgrade it. The results from the Guild database eventually came up on the screen, seconds from my becoming bored. Their names were Twila and Edward, surnames unknown. They were wanted, sure enough: seven counts of assault and two counts of armed assault between them. I was going to have fun with these two...

I walked over to them. They must have heard my footsteps; they turned and faced me. They didn't say anything and I was mere steps away from them. I reached for the chain around my neck and pulled out the badge that had been resting under my shirt. I showed it to them as I spoke:

"Bounty Hunter. I need to ask you two some questions."

As soon as I'd identified myself, their postures changed. They obviously thought I was there to arrest them. I am generally uninterested in arresting minor criminals such as those two, it's far easier just to kill them if they turn nasty and collect the payment for their deaths. It wasn't worth the time to drag them to the nearest prison world.

"Bounty Hunter? We don't want to talk to a Bounty Hunter," said Edward. He was afraid, I could see it in his eyes. My gaze briefly flicked to Twila. She wasn't afraid, but her eyes were fixed on the shotgun holstered on my thigh. It wasn't the only weapon I was carrying, of course. I also carried my pistol holstered under my jacket, and my combat knife was sheathed opposite to it.

"That's a shame, because I want to talk to you. I'm not interested in arresting y-"

"Shut up!" he bellowed. Fear can make people do strange things. At the very least, his response was unwise. Twila finally spoke.

"Yeah! You'd better back off, otherwise things might get messy." She had balls. She was also arrogant, and I couldn't stand that in snotty youths such as these two.

"You're welcome to try and make things messy. Neither of you would last a minute." My gaze flitted between them. Edward's eyes were fixed on mine, while Twila's were again fixed on my shotgun. Suddenly, she lunged for it.

She managed to get a grip on it while Edward barelled at me. The combined force threw me off balance and I ended up on the floor with both of them on top of me. Twila was wrestling with the clasp on my shotgun, desperately trying to get it loose. She can't have been armed. Unlike Edward, who was bent over me with a knife, apparently looking for a good place to strike. My arms were free, however: their mistake. I kicked out at Twila, evidently winding her but not sending her sprawling, as I had wanted. Still, it threw her and bought me valuable seconds. Edward's strike would come in only a few miliseconds. I didn't even have time to think, I rolled to the side while reaching for my pistol. I did not see the strike, but I heard the blade hammer into the floor. The kid had strength. When my roll was completed, my pistol was in my hand and I was facing the pair. I flicked the safety off and adopted a two-handed grip on my weapon: I could not afford to miss. Edward had been thrown by my evasion and he was only just starting to regain his composure, although he was looking straight at me. I aimed at his body and squeezed the trigger twice. He fell. Twila rushed over to his body as I picked myself up. She bent over him.

"I was going to say that I needed information. I was going to ask if you know someone called Lucian." She looked at me, grief and hatred in her eyes. For a few seconds her jaw moved as if she was going to speak. Finally, she did.

"He's going to kill you for this. I'll... I'LL KILL YOU!" She screamed at me and sprung up into a charge. It was frenzied, clumsy. I dived out of the way and picked myself up before she could turn around. I aimed for her leg and fired. She went down, screaming in pain. I walked until I was stood over her.

"You know him then? Does his gang use this building?" I got no answer. Understandable. I would need to pressure her. She was bleeding profusely from her knee, where my bullet hit. I kicked it, causing her to scream in agony.

"I asked you a question. Does his gang use this building?" Again, no answer.

"I can make the pain go away if you tell me." I kicked again. "Just tell me what I want to know." She spat and hissed at me. It was quickly becoming evident that she knew the answer to my question. I kicked one more time.

"YES!" she screamed in between snarls of pain. Finally.

"Please... Make it stop..." I silently obliged her: I pressed the barrel of my pistol against her forehead and squeezed the trigger. Her last expression was one of utter horror. I flicked the safety back on and holstered it. I set about collecting the bounty for these two.

Righty, that feels so much better! Unfortunately, Bella is no Raines Banwyn:

She ran away screming. [Sigh...]
"So hav u cn Esmet?' i assed [hur hur] him. "He waznt in homroom 2dai" "Yea ummm Tqila, he transforrmed out of da skewl so he culd go on tourz wif Gerad." [What does transforming and going out with Gerard Way have to do with anything? Especially each other.]
"But hes a vampir1" i was socked at dis. "Yea but ur a vampiir 2." ed sed. "o yea [I thought you'd forgot]." i sed. (a/n I DINT FORGET [yes you did] I WAZ WATING 4 DA RITE TIME TO BRING IT UP AGEN [I call bullshit].) so we both turned in2 batz n flew 2 class (no1 noticed). [Argh... How did no-one notice a couple of bats flying through school?]
When skewl ended i went in2 my car and drove hom. Wen I got der my sister was geting maried. [Yeah, just like that. Screw the details.]
"OMSG R U GETING MARIED 2 JAZER." i culd not beleve it. 'yea' she smeled. "I luv him n he iz goin 2 live wif us now." [Oh, fantastic, another one...]
I storted 2 cry becuz ed n i wernt maried yet [and who's fault is that?]. Midnite trid to hug me but i shot her away [another unfortunate typo], bcuz her lif waz so much betta dan mine. "Im alredi 16 n im not marred yet [um... That's a good thing. That's quite disturbing]." tears swam down mi beatiful face.
Suddenly... dey al shoted "SURPISEE!1" Midnite n Jasper wernt getting married... IT WAZ 4 ME AND ED! (a/n dey got mared da next day insted). [OH GOD ALMIGHTY, I HATE THIS FIC.]
"NO WAY I was sooo inflated [how very apt, Ms. Ego...]. Edward and me had an atheest ceremoni [there's no such thing] in my hose [I bet you did...]. So we were huband and wives [so he's a mormon?]. Midnite, Jazper, Esmie, Emet, Gerad, Rose, were all dere... but so waz... ALLICE!
"I hope ur not mad dat me n ur brother r married." i sed to her gothikally after da wedding. "I told u that i dunt lik u that way, im not lezz." [Yes, sorry to disappoint you, dear reader.]
"Sigh" she knew [I'm afraid that makes no sense]. So we all went 2 a party n had lots of blood. Then we went bak to mi house. Some1 rang the bell n i answered it, making out wif Edword. [Show, don't tell. That applies to this entire fic.]
"Y DID U MARRI HIM YOU IGNORANIUS." shoted da guy at da door. It was Bibby Brown [oh, who's that?!]. He ran in on his weelchaire n Jacob flowed him. "Dont u dare tuch Twia." snotted Ed. Every1 came 2 c what waz happening. "Why wold I toch her, shes hieneous [oh dear...]" he glarred at me.
"THATS IT NOW I HAV 2 KILL U." boomed mi busband [I think I may have to kill him again]. He turned in2 a savage lik da time i went to his house. I told him 2 stop becuz i needed to talk to Bolly n Jakob. he stoped. [Just like that.]
"Ok y dont u want us 2 be together y is our love so bad 4 u" i cried. "Itz because... I CANT SAY IT." sed da guy in da wheelcher.
"JUST SPIC IT OUT." every1 sed [the hive mind is once again in effect]. he began to cry histerical. "Mebe dis song will help u undersand." he started 2 sing in his crampy old voice "WELL I MIS U. I MISS U SO FAR. N DA COMMISION OF UR KISS, DAT MADE IT SO HARD."
Well gerald [WHERE DID HE COME FROM?!] was FORIOUS becuz dat was his song n he started 2 attak him bcuz of copiright refrigement [copyright just became lethal]. (a/n I DNT OWN THE LYRCS TO DA SONG EITHER). Ther was a big fite n i storted to cry "Oh no, ur in luv with me arnt u." And Bobby Ran away from gerad n sed YES. Edword killed him. [I love how flippant that is.]

I need a drink...
Until next time!


Anonymous said...

These are great our humour is so alike (another thing in common?) Oo I can't wait until our exam is over so I can read more of these :. Oh, and I have the same feeling on text talk! <3 Keep it up love Rachel xx

Teddy Leach said...

Rachel: Text talk is one of the most infuriating things in the world! It's enough for me to fly into a murderous rage :P Aye, I can't wait either! Thank you so much! :) Love, Teddy xxx

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