Can you believe this thing lasts 12 chapters? Also, I'll need to do some more My Immortal soon. When I get that thing out of the way, we can move on to stranger things.
IF U R LEVING ME LONG AZZ REVEIWS ON Y I RUNED UR LIFE [I refuse to believe that anyone wrote anything like that. Although I can see how this would ruin one's life] DEN SORRI GET DA FUKK OVA IT. i am gong 2 keep makin chaptas [notice she writes 'makin', rather than 'writing'. It's almost as if these things are created in an arcane process that is probably on the page after the section on how to summon Beezlebub. That would make sense actually] n if u report me den ur a lozer, ill just make a new accont [not if you get an ip ban. Of course, there are always proxy servers, but that's besides the point]. NEWAYZ FANX 2 DA PPL HU GAVE ME GOOD REVEIWS AGEN U GUYZ KEEP ME GOING. PLZ ENJOY CHAPTA 5. [No.]
CHAPTER 5
We didnt no whut 2 do wif all da blood from bobby brown so every1 just drank it off da floor [at least they're all vampires. Still, how unhygienic!]. We had weding gamez n shit [wait, what'd they do with the body?] and jacob left cuz he waz angri at us 4 some resason [this obviously isn't going to become a plot point shortly. My, this is bad writing...]. We playd spin da bottle n GErard had 2 kiss ed. (a/n lol bi guyz r sooo hot [we've heard that before]) i waznt jelous cuz dey r both guyz [that's got unfortunate implications, there]. But Emetr was deprezzed becuz Gerord is his bf. We listened 2 Green day and he got cheered up. [This writing reminds me of the awful Ginny fic that I DC'd before. It also reminds me of My Immortal.]
I was gong 2 sleep dat nite when i got posesesd by Saten [kill her. Kill her. Kill her]. But it was ok cuz were friendz n he just doez dat sometimes as a joke [o.0]. I asked him wat he wanted n he told me 2 kill Rosemarie. [SHOW. DO. NOT. TELL. Fucking hell...]
"What y?" I new dat Ed would be angey if i killed his sister [no shit, Sherlock?]. "Becoz she is a blond prepp" sed satan suicidelly [WHAT?!]. So I went 2 der house in da dark n i knew wich was rosalyns room [exactly... It's not bad enough that SATAN uses that reason for a person's death, but Twila goes through with it] becuz da door was pink with pompomz hanging from it n a poster of Holary Duff. I broke down da door but inside waz... EDWIRD! [Oh noes, conflict!]
"WTF IS GOING ON U ASSHOLE" i scremed "DIS IS UR ROOM?" "NO LET ME FUKKING EXPLAN" he began to cry. Den i saw... ROSA WAS ON TOP OF HIM! [Oh god, no...]
"EW WTF U BUSTARD DATS UR SISTER!1" i exploded. I transofmed [show, don't tell. Also, has she even demonstrated this ability before? Possibly she's just pulling things out her arse now] n began to tear da room apart n ripped all da preppy posters down [think about how she's acted already. Just think about it. Did she seem like an 'evil prep' to you?]. I jumped at Rosalien n bit her neck nd she started having a sezure [as you do when bleeding profusely from the neck. Bleeding out is for pussies. Hur hur]. Then she ran around nd died. Ed kept crying. [Well, that was his sister. They obviously loved each other...]
"Dis is disgusting" i said wif disgust ["we need the department of redundancy department over here!"]. "I cant beleve it, u nd Rose." "Just listen ok" he pleased. "I culdnt c in da dark, I thought she was you."
"Yea rite like I beleve dat. We're getting a devorce!" I waz so pissed. But den Edward got on his knes n sang "If u mary me, will u bury me, will u carry me 2 da end?" Nd I remembad da promise we had mad ova dat song when we got marred. We sed we wuld alwayz b der 4 each odder. [You could have told us this before. Do 'goffs' believe in marriage anyway?]
"Ok fine dis is ur last chance bittch [what a lovely thing to call your husband. Also: he was fucking his damned sister! WHY DOES SHE FORGIVE HIM?! Wait, who did Rose think it was?! Do not want!]." I ran out of da room nd saw Carlose in da hall. "Hey babez" he laffed. "Im so much betta dan edward, y dont u come upsters wif me [what a family...]?" But I just ran away sadly becuz every1 wanted sumfing from me. [Everyone wants to get into her pants. It's a curse.]
The next day was a bad tim [deja vu with that error... "Some call me... Tim?"] becuz it was akward betwn me nd Ed [no shit? You did kill his sister last night seconds after they'd been having sex]. Nd plus Midnite was in da hospital from slitting her rists, becuz Jazper had called her a slutt [hmm... I wonder why? Wait, we've already been informed about vampire healing abilities! In fact, why is Rose dead at all in that case?!]. He waz getting realli moody all da time nd he acted jelous around me nd Ed all da time. I asked him abot it in skewl
"Hey y da fukk did u mak my sister slit her rists [except he didn't make her, did he? It was her choice. That makes me think of someone punching someone else in the face and asking "Why the fuck did you walk into my fist?!"]." I roared. He sighed wif deprezzion nd sed "Im just not in luv wif her anymore, after u killed alic [Alice is not dead. Rose is dead. Even though she's already had her throat torn out. The plot holes hurt my mind] I saw ur true strength." "What r u saying?" I dint undestand. "Im saying dat i would rather b with u dan her. So I was hopping dat she wuld kill herself nd we wuld b devorced." [I'd use the facepalm image again, but I think you get the idea already, dear reader.]
"Omg i wuld neva b wif u in a million years, ur a terrible person [pot? Kettle? Black? You were going to kill Rose for being a 'prep', after all]..." i sed wif tears of blood pooping [hahahaha!] down my pale face. I waz wearing [OH GOD. It's like she's forgotten she's meant to be ripping off My Immortal's 'style'] violet fishnetz wif safety pins in dem and a red corset wif a blakk vest over it n a pentagram n lots of safety pins nd tight blakk jeanz. Mikael, Jabob, Bella, n Jessa all gatered around us. Jasp waz so embarassed. A lot of da teachers came over n stared at me.
"Twila plz report 2 da principles office [I'm not surprised, dressed like that. It's like the intro to a porn flick. Apart from that, she's not done anything wrong though. Unless crying blood is an offence now]." The teachers sed strangly. So i followed dem nd da princple was der and he sed to me "Im sorri but we r going 2 hav 2 tranfer u to a diff skewl." [Thank christ for that. Hopefully she'll kill herself now.]
"OMFG NO." sed loudly. "I CANT DIS IS WER EDWARD GOZ 2 SCHOL [they are married and he is a vampire. So why doesn't he move with her? Why do they even go to school anyway?!]." "Yes," they admited uncomfortly. "But ur causing a realli bad diserbance in da school. U c der is somthing... odd abot u. Nd no1 feelz comfortble wif u here so u hav 2 go 2 dat other school in Waschington, calld Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy. " [As a trollfic, this counts as comedy. If this were a serious fic, this would merely be unintentionally funny. Hopefully she'll go insane there.]
I culdnt beleve it. I waz nevr gong 2 see ed agen if i went dere [and why not? They're in the same state for fuck's sake]. I jumpd out da window [I demand to know what floor they were on] n ran home n took out a nife and cut miself. Der waz blood all ova da floor nd i fell down and started 2 die. [Show, don't t- oh fuck it.]
XXXXX 2 BE CONTINUED XXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPER 5XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
OK GUYZ SORRI FOR DA CLIPHANGER [it's never stopped you before. It's like an episode of 24. Only terrible]. I WILL UPDATE SOON. REVIEWS THANX [Only give her good ones though, or she'll tear your heart out.]
And now, dear reader, I need a drink.
Until next time!
Teddy
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