Monday, 3 January 2011


Righty, let's do some more this this terrible trollfic. It's only a short one today, as I really can't be arsed with absorbing too much Twilight and sparkly vampires.

FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine [it really isn't] u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos. if u lik bella [I would never lick Bella, no matter how drunk I was] i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names. [I'd like to say that if you've read something, you shouldn't write like this. Unfortunately, the offending article is Twilight, so I'll let it slide.]
and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE [o.0]. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER [If you wanted conclusive proof that this is a troll, you now have it.]
Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that [well, that's a new one. Why isn't he sparkling yet?].) he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans [are they a piss-take band? Why doesn't he play something more appropriate, like Moonlight Sonata? Hmm, it's probably to do with this being a Twilight fic that riffs off My Immortal]. i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice [arrogant] "Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?" every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me [of course they don't. She's unique, just like everyone else]. OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths. [Restraint is clearly an art lost to Twificpires.]
"WOT R U DOING?" i creamed [I bet you did. "And I jizzed in my pants."]. deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. den they stoppd and confused. [They stopped and confused? That makes little to no sense.]
"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts [I find it amusing that none of them could resist. Also, was that a subtle nod to the World of Darkness? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. If they turn into savage beasts, why don't they drink human blood?]. it wnt hapen agen" puting bak on mi clothe.
"Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod. [OH GOD, THIS HURTS!]
"it must be ur blood" sed carlose in horrofied [in horrified? WHAT?!]. "Beauty [that's not commonly a term of address, even among vampires], u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, evry vampir wil want to drink it. itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?" [Good god, this is a REALLY overt Mary Sue!]
"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling [time for the ritual hatred of Bella]. Midnite hugged him [when did her sister get here? Maybe I missed it] so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk. [Oh god...]
"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me [WHAT?!]" sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian [I was unaware people still used that word]. edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed! [WHAT?!]
"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt [how human of her. Vampire's generally don't care when things get hurt]. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice [Has he turned into The Hulk? Did Edward Cullen just turn into The Hulk?]
"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her [yes, we know what glass exploding looks like]. He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me. [Very chivalrous. He's actually fighting a woman?]
"Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized [you're going to make a compromise. That's not a dialog tag] "Guess wat srry im not a lebian [wait, Alice is a lesbian? I'm sorry, I lost what was going on quite a while ago. I feel like the IT Crowd's Douglas]." alice started 2 cry tearz of blood [oh, not this again...]. "Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios
"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time [when did he get out? If he was in the toilet, it brings up a medley of questions that I shall not ask]. "wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims [they do drink from humans then?], shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN" [Why run? Twila's a vampire. Vampires are supposed to feed from humans. Unless this has somehow become the World of Darkness, in which case feeding from another vampire is a crime.]
Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie [that's very clumsy] instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me [what does that have to do with anything?] n her throat flew open. n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it. [Her throat? You can't eat liquid.]
"Ohh mi satan" i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. edward jus laughed "its ok babe" [is there a quiet place on the internet where I can shoot myself?] he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! (He had turned back from blak ed to white ed [whaaaaa?!] (a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET [marvelous. That sounds like shit]) n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life." [It's not as bad as Lestat I suppose.]
so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king 4 diner [o.0] bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my. his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen.

Yeah, words have utterly failed me. This is actually painful to read.
Until the next fail-chapter!


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