DC: TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W A VAMPIR Chapt. 1

This shall henceforth be known as TDGWWILWAV. If only to make it sound more horrendous than it actually is. Unfortunately, that is an impossible task, dear reader. This thing... Well, it's bad. Very bad. Brain-bleach bad. Fortunately, however (and this is fortunate) it's actually a trollfic. That's right, it's not actually serious! Which is a good job, frankly. I've seen some genuinely bad writing, but this might have took the cake. It's a Twilight trollfic, and it's very bad indeed. It also takes it's inspiration from My Immortal, so god help you all.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CHAPTER 1 [Hmm... I wonder what it's going to be about? Also, it should be obvious. Notice how her name's a shortened version of 'Twilight'? Or it at least spins off it.]
Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz [her parents must have been off their heads on PCP. It's a shame they didn't just decide to eat her] (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet [there's something to be said for spoiling the entire story right at the beginning: it's shitty]) n i live in waschington [this is possibly set in an alternate universe where all place-names have inexplicably turned pseudo-German. I will therefore assume that she actually lives in The Wash] wif my sister Midnite [perheps their parents are actually hippies. That take PCP]. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires [this seems to be turning into a running joke in my Dramatic Commentaries]. we feest on blood [that's a common trait among vampires. If it's not human blood, however, I'll be mad n no1 else noes [oh noes!] dat we are vampirs. not evn are mom [what about your father? And since when could human parents make vampire babies?! At least now we know why  a woman's period stops during pregnancy: we're all baby vampires and have been drinking the blood. And how did she not notice them sparkling in sunlight and hunting for blood?!] wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. yes we r LONERS. [Congratulations.]
i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott [oh, here we go again...], i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes [topaz comes in blue, brown, orange, gray, yellow, green, pink, reddish pink, and clear varieties. Your description is lacking] n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez. i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes [you sound like a panda], (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too [and what a dubious distinction that is] and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok [again: what a dubious distinction that is. The woman who thinks vampires should sparkle, rather than turn to ash, in sunlight thinks her main character is 'hot'. Dubious, indeed].) i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up) that menz i hate other ppl [so... you tell us to look up the meaning of misanthropy, while promptly telling us what it means. Yes, that makes perfect sense... With the existence of google to look things up, there's also no need whatsoever to spell it wrong] accept midnite. [She's a vampire, not a person. Therefore, she does not count.]
one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS [there's more than one of him? Oh lord...] he haz realli white skin lyk me. he is satan's gift [oh no, NOT ANOTHER ONE] to dis planet (a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart [there are so many things wrong with that sentence that I'm not even going to begin].) so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann [and here we go with the ritual hatred of Bella! I know I'm in Sparkleland now]. she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat. edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine. [As in topaz? As in no distinct colour? Agh!]
"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce [o.0] n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran [I actually don't think that was a slip] away. i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite [Pardon me? Me no speaky retard.]
neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob [poser prep scum]. ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose wnated 2 meet me [how did he know, considering he's not been told?]. n his sisters alice, rosmarie, jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2.
so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way. [It's a wonder these clumsy sods haven't been staked yet.]
when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty [of course.]
"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" he teasd me seductevly. ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married. [They all like her... This is already taking me to places I don't want to go.]
"Yea thats me lol" i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite [this is the west. It should therefore be a curtsy]) "nice to met you i said. [At least she's somewhat polite.]
"So i hear ur a vampir, cum [hur hur] in my house n we can talk about it."
I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends. [AwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!]
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PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD [...]


I do fear for my sanity sometimes, dear reader. Until the next time!
Teddy