Friday, 28 January 2011

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 41, 42, 43 & 44

Aye, dear reader, I'm making a genuine effort to get the rest of My Immortal done in one post. You may be asking why I'm not doing chapter 40: the reason, quite simply, is that it is identical to Tara's chapter 39 that I did in my last post. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's do this.

Chapter 41.

AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF [I like the way that she's writing this fail and she's the one telling the flamers to get lives. The irony!]!!!!! I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is [would that matter anyway?] ur proly al prepz and pozers [yes, I think we've established that]!!!!!!!!11111 neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1 [we noticed. On both counts]. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out. Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks [months last 2 weeks, apparently]. OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!!!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way [oh lord...] lol he hsud play drako. if u flame ill slit muh risztz [I still think she's doing it wrong: she should have been dead by chapter 15]!!!!!!!!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland. [That's England's mutant cousin, if you're interested.]


When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX [I'm actually amazed that it's not being described to us again]!!!!!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office [I'm not doing that joke again] but it looked difrent!! On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band [great, she's twisting real chronology now. This just keeps getting worse. He's actually industrial metal/rock] 2 ok koz he is more old den panic [Manson's 42, I believe, and was active from '89 onwards. Panic formed in '81. Most people are older than Panic]?! at da dizcko [that's what I get for not reading ahead... I blame Tara's poor command of sanity. Panic at the Disco formed in 2004. Even more people are older than them than are older than Panic] or mcr) der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves [Hell: I have found it]. On it said ‘1980.’

“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly [I sincerely hope this isn't Hogwarts when Tom Riddle went there. Because that was the 40's]. Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss [lolwut?]!). Voldimort [make up your mind about what you're calling him] wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson [shamone!], blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11 [... That doesn't mean what you think it does.]
“OMFG Enoby r u ok.” He asked gothikally.

“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation.” I snapped sexily [I might ask why? And how she snapped sexily?]. “OMG am I dedd???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame’s gun. I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!!!!111 [Surely those aren't things you'd forget in such a hurry?]

I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists [you'll really need to narrow it down] I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.

“No ur not dead.” Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face [that sentence makes me feel physically ill]. “Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet [I'll not list the number of vampires that have died from things that aren't stakes, crosses, or the sun]. Cum [hur hur. That really needs to be a label] on now lets go c how Hairy’s [I actually once saw a Harry Potter spoof called Hairy Potter. It was surprisingly good] dad is doing.” [Wait... Harry hasn't been born yet! He probably wasn't even an idea at that point! Yet another demonstration of Tom Riddle's / Satan's / Voxlemort's ability to see into the future.]

I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future [time paradoxes: you're doing them wrong]. “WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious!!!” I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew. [And why not? No, seriously, why not?]
“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly. [Christ... Tara seems to think that having a headache is a good reason to do anything, including for Dumbledore / Bert to swear at his students. Get real!]

“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian [whaaaaat? This narrative is making less and less sense with each word. Or maybe I just have no idea what's going on anymore. I'll go with both]. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1 [HE HAS TWO ANYWAY]. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy [oh god, not another one! How does she know he's bi just from looking at him?]!!!!!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner [oh], a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel [B-Billy Joel? "It's all about soul!"] wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties [because everyone was bolnd in the 80s. Actually, that's not far from the truth]), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly ["Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm hunting wabbits"] and goffically.

“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him. [I get angry when I don't know people as well.]

“Dis is…Hedwig [I demand to know why he doesn't have feathers. Or go "twit-twooo"]!!!!!!!!!11” Sed Volximort. “He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.

“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b. [Ugh...]
“Lol hi Enoby.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature [whaaaaaaaat...?]. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok [that's just lazy. Really lazy]!!)

“Bye.” I sed all sexily. [He's already ran away. What is the point in saying farewell?]
“Dat was Hedwig [yes, we noticed]. He used 2 b my boifreind [obviously] but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.

“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether [she's turned into Cupid now. Lord help us all]!” I said fingering something [o.0] I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem [no]??? dey kik azz [so does my Creative Zen. It's better than your thing because it is mine]!!!!).

“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig [uh, when did he come back?]. Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1” I led them to da Great Hall [she spelled 'great' wrong in the previous sentence. I've no idea how that happened]. “Cum on u guys.”

Lucian, James, Serious and Snake ["Metal Gearrrr..."] were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him. [Understandable.]
“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him. “Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!!1” [Wait, what? Why can everyone see the future?! AND HOW DOES HE KNOW THAT ANYWAY?!]

“Yah go fuck urself Samaro [I'm sorry. This fic's completely lost me now]!” Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian. [It was also his fault that Kennedy was assassinated, that Princess Diana died, and that the Titanic sank. By which I mean, it wasn't his fault at all you stupid idiot.]

“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great [she's actually got a plan?]. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him [that's always nice]! Now Vampire’s dad wood never die and “OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out.” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod. [Yup, that's a great plan. Involve them in a porno. May I be the first in saying 'what the fuck'?]
“Kool.” said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi [of course they are. Everyone is bi. Everyone]. I noo Snape was bi. [Noo?]
“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock [*snort*] touched Voldemort’s. [You do realise he's not calling himself that yet?]
But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame………………Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!!!!111111111111

Except 24 was good.

Chapter 42. da blak parade [Do you think this chapter has anything to do with that phrase or song? Do I really need to insult your intelligence by giving you a clue?]

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait [you mean she can read?]!!!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy [*insert facepalm here*]!!!!!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox [as I recall, Harry actually is a horcrux. Therefore, this would actually make sense. Heroic sacrifice and all that]!!!!!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it [no]?? If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic [you homophobe, Mrs. Rowling!]!!!!!111111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts [we could all use help with them now and again. Tara needs more than most though], medusa u rok!!!111


I sat depressedly in Dumbledork’s office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future [no shit, sherlock?]. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. [40s / 80s / whenever the fuck we are now. STOP IT.]

“What da hell is this anyway [oh. Well, you can't say she's not trying. Actually, you can and should]??” he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time. [I'd have thought it was obvious.]

“Whatever u do don’t blame Ibony, u jerk.” Satan said.

“Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together.” Serious said deviantly. [By making them star in a porno? I... fail... to see... the logic... My brain...]

“Be quiet you Satanists [she spelled it correctly!].” Dumbledore cockled. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate [if you're going to use words like that, at least spell them correctly] in da Great Hall.” He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod [it was doing weights]. It was slowly chonging [o.0]! Dumblydore didn’t notece. [He must have very bad eyesight then. Poor Bert.]

“You fucking poser.” I muttoned. [Damn it, now I fancy some mutton to eat...]

“I bet you’ve never herd of GC.” James said [this is the 80s / 40s. No-one had]. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11 [It's changing into an entire car? And he's not noticed yet?!]

“Shut up Jomes!!!” Drako’s dad shouted.

“Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily. [I won't even start to think about how one can say something 'preppily'. Presumably by not mentioning Satan, posing, preps, or suicide.]

“No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom. [He didn't even say anything though!]

“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!” shouted Dumbledore spuriously. [I can't say that I blame him. Also, spuriously: not genuine, false. He, however, clearly is fed up of these scumbags in his school. His phrase is, therefore, not spurious. Don't use these words if you don't know what they mean. +1 for spelling it correctly though.]

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him [except it's a delorean now. Keep up]. “Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in [no-one is odder than you, Enoby]. It was……..Satan. [Dun, dun, duuuun.]

“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely [I'm really getting fed up of the constant adjectives] as we went.

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing [here we go again...] a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz [I thought you didn't like pink? Agh, I don't care any more!], a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair [what happened to it being ebony?] was all around me to my mid-black.

“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice.

“Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine [I might ask why it was also a time machine?].” I told him.

“Kool what’s an ipatch?” he whimpered. [Apt...]

“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked. [No, that's an ipod. Riddle asked what an 'ipatch' is. An ipatch is a brand new eyepatch designed by Apple that lets you watch multimedia with your dead eye.]

“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice. [Whaaaaaaat?]

“Um I guezz sand????” I laid [o.0] confuesdly.

“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” He triumphently giggled. [I've absolutely no idea what that question has to do with her being a different person.]

Suddenly some of my friends walked in. [As they do, whenever it's important to drive the 'plot'.]

“OMG you’re fucking alive!” said Ginny [she's missing a 'goff' name and backstory. I am disappointed] wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive. [You'll need to explain to me as well. Because if I had my way, you'd have died as soon as you were introduced.]

“Konichiwa, bitch [uuuuuuugh...].” said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs [so a porn-corset? The type that does not cover the breasts at all? How is she allowed to get away with that?] with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.

“Hey, motherfucker [this is sapping my will to live].” Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.

“Hey whose that, Ibony?” B’loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes. [Stop describing what everyone's wearing. It's very annoying.]

“Oh its Satan.” I told her and she nodded knowing da truth. [That it's not Satan at all but some emo kid.]

Suddenly Satan started to cry.

“Are you okay Satan?” we asked concernedly.

“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times?????” he asked. [... There are no words to describe the idiocy.]

“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.

“Ok.” He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside [these quick-fire sentences are killing me]. Profesor Sinister ran in!!!!!!!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner. [Another panda.]

“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.

“Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fucking die because you’re a vrompire [need I remind you of the time when Draco died, despite being a vampire?]. Snape came back because that girl Britney [not her again?] freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student [and you're a bad teacher. Live and let live].” Trevolry said reassuredly.

“That bitch!!!!!!!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?” I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep. [Yes. We know.]

“Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room [she makes it sound as if they go around molesting everyone that they can find]!!!!!!” Trevolry said worriedly.

“OK. But where’s Dracko???? How cum he was doing it with Snap?????” [Because he's bi? But worse things exist, dear reader... I've read Deserving.]

“I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself.” she said. [Sounds like a weird suicide pact. I'm sure that all these freaks have one together anyway.]

“OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn’t tell what was going on. Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay [that was the most garbled utterance I have ever seen. Yoda's got nothing on Enoby]!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.

“Good luck Tara [subtle...]!!!!!!!11” everyone cried.

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer [it's not in the same league of horror that I felt when I saw that hideous spelling mistake]. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty [pot. Kettle. Black. Pot. Kettle. Black] pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos [I might ask why every single female in this fic wears stilettos?]. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

“You fucking bitch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.

“No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed.

“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” I shouted selectively pontificating [pontificating: speaking or behaving in an overly pompous or dogmatic manner. I'm going to guess and say that that wasn't intentional] my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured [she assumes her readers are like her: idiots. I suppose any serious readers that are genuine fans of her are actually idiots though] and I laughed sodistically.

“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly. [Yes dear, she's obviously going to help you.]

I put up my middle finger at her [one day she'll do that and someone'll cut it off. I live in hope]. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me [what the hell was she doing with it?!]. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it [I might ask why? I might ask what the point of making that porno was anyway?]. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. “OMG Vampira [he's a woman now]!!!!111” I yielded.

We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow [eyeshadow, now made my Apple!]. His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson [shamone!], ledder pants [no trousers?], a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes [vote for Vampire. Again]. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox [no. Now shut up]!!!1)“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Vampire.

“I know but Im a vampire lol [THEN WHY DID DRACO DIE BEFORE?!]. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980 [or 1940], so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me.”

“Where’s Draco?” I asked spuriously.

“Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?” Vampir snarkled ['snarkled'?] with anger in his sexy voice.

“I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM.” I SED SMARTY. ['Smarty' indeed... Arrogant cow.]

“I’ll do it den.” Harry said angstily. [This fic can't take any more angst.]

“OK.” I argreed. Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out. And den…….da Dork Mark appeared. [There's either too much filler, or none at all. I really would like some detailed description.]

“Oh my fucking satan!!!!!” Harry shouted. [The many exclamation marks do point to shouting.]

“I fink Voldimort has arrivd [was he expected?].” I sed anxiously. “Fuck, I have to find Draco!!1 I guess we shood separate.”

“Ok.” Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall. [Sadly, I read the next chapter.]

Chapter 43.

AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz [try one. Literally, one more after this, dear reader!]. Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!!!!!!!!!111111 if u flam den fukk u!!!111 [*Loses temper* No, fuck YOU. You're the bigger failure for writing this lump of shit.]


I walked sexily into the Great Hall. It was empty except for one person. Draco was there!! He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants. He had slit his wrists [again. and again. and again]!!!!!111 I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him [ugh, why?]. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face. [WE KNOW.]

“Draco are you okay????” I asked.

“I’m not okay.” he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song [somehow I knew that was coming] nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry. I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it [Seriously, how many drugs do you carry?! Still, it's a good explanation of her behaviour. Oh brilliant, I've lost my blinky cursor again...]

“Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?” I asked teardully. [I love the way she put 'oh' there. It's almost as if asking him was an afterthought. It probably was...]

“I-” Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room [oh for chrissakes! I just want to know why Draco was banging Snape! I... I never thought I'd say that]!! They didn’t see us.

“Im so glad we me and Snape were freed.” said Loopin. [Here we go with the traditional incriminating conversation being overheard by the protagonists... This kind of thing happened in the Famous 5. God, that takes me back...]

“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students!” Mr. Norris argreed.

“Pop addelum [I refuse to believe that that's a spell]!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.

“Noooooooo!!!!1” Lupin shouted as chains came on him [Chains must have been drinking the water as well. Poor Chains]. Mr. Norris ran away.

“You fukking perv.” I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. “Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I’m gong 2 torture u!!!!” [Jack Bauer does it better. "You probably believe I can't force this towel down your throat, but trust me, I can. Except I hold onto this little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out, taking your stomach lining with it. Most people take about a week to die. It's very painful."]

“I don’t now where he is!!!!1111” said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room. Vampir didn’t know who Satan was really. [He's a fallen angel and belongs in the 7th Circle of Hell. What's he doing here anyway?]

“Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!!1” Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then. [Jesus, more references...]

I selectively took the caramel [damn it, now I want a Cadbury's Caramel!] from my pocket. And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily [oh no, not again...]. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off [I didn't know he was wearing garlic. Isn't he supposed to be a vampire?] and I could see his white sex-pack [har har. It's still not funny]. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too [oh god, no]. We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes [you took your underclothes off before your clothes? HOW?! WHY?!]. Every1 took their glocks out [that gives 'son of a gun' a whole new meaning] except 4 me im a girl lol [so you keep saying. But you did lose your virility before. Draco also put his 'boy's thingy' in yours]. “Oh mi satan!! Draco!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy [penis goes into vagina. Stop with euphemisms] Den he did da same fing to Harry [wait... How many does he have?!]. I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in [fucking hell... Literally]. “OMS!!!111” cried Vampire. “Oh Vampire! Vampire!!!” I screamed screamed [but he hasn't put his penis anywhere interesting! Then again, these sex scenes are notoriously vague. Just use your imagination, dear reader. Actually, don't]. “Oh Satan!!!!!” yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock [I can't say that I blame him]. Wee [baha!] took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly……………………………..

………….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11

[I would put another 24 clock here, but I've already used it once.]

Chapter 44.

AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!!!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!!!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book [sigh...]!!!!1111 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait!!! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak. [She never came back. I can only assume she was murdered by a hitman employed by Mrs. Rowling. Possibly it was Agent 47.]


“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz………….Snape!!!!! [Yes, you've already told us. It was revealed before.]

“I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads [he's in chains, how can he?].” he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing [she was going to write 'circumcising', wasn't she?] above us. “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed [it would have been quicker to just say 'Enoby']. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!!!!” [What? Why?]

“You fucking prep!!!” yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. “I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn’t really have sexx him but he’s a ropeist!!!!” [How anticlimactic. Draco could have been a double agent secretly working with Snape and co. against Enoby and co.! It's the only way this mess could have been saved.]

We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. We were so scarred!!!!1 But Satan didn’t change. Instead he changed [two contexts of 'changing' do not work well together in such close proximity] into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into………… Voldemont!!!!!!!111 [What a surprise. I'm not going to put this down as a Batman Gambit though, I'm going to put it down to bad plot holes.]

“I knew who thou were all along.” he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!” Thunder came in da room. [Great, Thunder's been drinking the water as well as Chains. Truly, no-one is safe.]

“No plz don’t kill us!” pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B’loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in. [At the same time. Zerg rush! Truly, the Hive Mind has outdone itself this time.]

“What is da meaning of dis?” Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of [well done for remembering. But that's not the response I'd have expected].) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily [I won't even ask how that's possible. Because it isn't]. Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.

“Oh my goth!” Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)

“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Snape ejaculated menacingly. [o.0]

“You fucking preppy fags!” Serious shouted angrily.

“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt [what? Not this bloody pointless aside again. Not here, of all places!], CRUCIATUS!!!” screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco’s car. It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.

“Oh my fucking god!!!1” I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with [Surely she had to replace the first tape in order to get the second one in?]

“If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton [she's not a goth though?].” He laughed meanly.

“No!” I scremed. “FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!!!!11”

“Whats she talking abott??????” Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.

“I saw 2 she’s gunna show evry1 da picter!!!111” Harry shouted angrily.

“Shut up!!!111’” Lumpkin roared.

“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.” [I thought he was above the roof? Also, what colour is he going to dye them?]

“Think again you fucking muggle poser [hardly a muggle...]!!!!!1” Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns [I still don't see why everyone is armed and has been for more chapters than I care to remember]! But Voldimort took out his own one.

“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” I shouted despariedrly. [Insert facepalm here.]

“Acco Nevel’s wand!!!11” cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil’s wind was in his hands. “Now I shall kill thee all and Evony [we've all seen those adverts...] u will die!!!!!!!!11111”

He maid lighting come all over da place. ["The maid, Lightening, came all over the place." There, I do prefer my version.]

“Save us Ebony!” Dumbledark cried.

I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. ['Impotent'... Yes, you DO have something slightly more important to do!]

“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted. [Again, insert facepalm here.]

And that, my dear reader, is that. The failure simply ends there. Perhaps her spell backfired and she killed herself? Perhaps, therefore, that the sudden ending is symbolic of the emptiness after death? I seriously doubt it, but we will never know. Not another word of Tara's has been written about the pointless adventures of ENoby. And I am very glad of this fact. I do hope you've enjoyed this DC! Rest assured, it will be replaced by something just as horrendous.

Until next time!


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