Thursday, 31 March 2011

The Buzzing Terror

Good evening, dear reader! I do hope you're well. We all know when the days start getting longer, that wasps crawl out of their nests to wreak havoc on humanity. So it was that this morning, while I was enjoying a game of Battlefield 2142 and not giving a shit about anything, a wasp decided that it would ruin my fun by flying through the window and attempting to murder me.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

DC: How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish

This one is something special, dear reader, and not in a good way. It's special in a very bad way. You probably realised this by reading the title. Technically, it's a Dragonball Z fic. Before I go on, need I say that this is not safe for either work or your brain? Do bear that in mind before you go past the jump. I feel that I should also say that this is the first fic to win the brand new 'oh god, make it stop' label.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 2

As I write this, dear reader, I am listening to Rammstein at full volume, so do forgive me if I slip into German.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

No Oceans In The Internets

Two brand new PC titles come out today: Crysis 2 and Lego Star Wars III! Isn't that good news, dear reader? Actually, if you don't think that's good news, just humour me for a few minutes. Unfortunately, if you don't think the plural of 'Lego' is 'Legos', and don't drop the 's' from 'maths', you're not going to be able to play these two titles until they are released across the pond, which will be on Friday. This is ridiculous.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 1

Oh, I have been neglecting you this month, dear reader. I do apologise. To make up for it, I'm going to start off another Dramatic Commentary! Since the one I was going to do has mysteriously vanished from the interwebs, I think I'll give you a Silent Hill badfic. This one be called Broken Pieces, and it be very bad indeed. As far as I know, it's not a trollfic, which does make a nice change. I'll let the summary speak for it:

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 3

I hate this fic, dear reader, I really do.

Chapter 3
In the African country [yes, just a miscellaneous African country. Maybe we can pretend it's Libya? Hopefully 47 will be shot by Gadaffi's troops] there were shack towns because people were poor and leaders would not help. [Oh. It is Libya then.]
A woman was trying to fix her house was bald guy who was Mr. 47 came to talk to her [pardon me? A man with a goatee who was called Teddy was confused and irritated]. "Excuse me, but I was asked to talk do [the writer misspelled 'to'. Win] everyone about King Bascule."
"He is a horrible asshole." She said. "He makes us work in oil mines [an... Oil mine? You mine for minerals. Oil is not a mineral. It is black goop] and does not give enough food or money for even an OK life!"
"Ok that checks out with everyone else in country [that sentence did make me smile. I can imagine 47 walking around asking everyone in Libya the same questions]." Diana called back to say that client was stupid so 47 had to double check he was killing right guy. "Where does he live?"
"Over there." The woman pointed to big cement and metal fortress. [Like it wasn't obvious where he lived. This reads like the script for a comedy flash animation.]
"This guy really doesn t have any friends?" 47 asked. "What about his guards?" [Because redshirts are required to be friends with their bosses. It's in the contract.]
"He doesn t hire from here!" The woman replied. "He hired ex-Red Army merchants!" [... Merchants? I think you mean mercenaries. Those are not the same thing. It may be a good idea to not get them confused, just in case you need to hire one or the other.]
47 fought to himself that would make my job easier. [What, the writer's job? I don't think it could get much easier, considering the amount of effort that's not going into it.]
So 47 walked over to fortress and looked at doors. He saw a guard in helmet and bulletproof vest walking out so he could smoke and walked to him.
"Can I borrow you clothes?" 47 asked. [There are no words. Incidentally, I've actually been asked that before. It was awkward, dear reader.]
"I m not sure." The guard replied. [What's wrong with 'no'?]
"I have drugs I will give you if you let me." 47 said. [There are still no words.]
The guard said OK, but 47 was already walking around him and invested needle full of drugs [invest in drugs! Actually, don't] into him. The guard became unconscious, and 47 stole his clothes and dragged him away into shadows so he would be harder to see. [AAAAAAAAAAAARGH. I feel much better now.]
47 went through door but saw that he was in garden [this place has a very strange design]. The door into the building was guarded by two people who had officer uniforms. 47 thought they wouldn t let him in ["You're not supposed to be here; you're an outdoor guard!" Because of that, Beldinford Manor has to be my least favourite level in the whole series], so he decided to walk around garden and look for way in. He went into a shed and discovered the guards had Uzis and revolvers stocked [I don't know about you, dear reader, but I keep all my guns in my garden shed too], so he took some to add to his gun collection. [There are stranger things one could collect.]
There was a backdoor that lead to kitchen, but 47 thought that was too obvious [wut?], so he took a trampoline from the shed [o.0] and set it up under a second floor window, and when no one was looking he used all his strength to jump into the window [ladies and gentlemen, 47 has just used a trampoline to access a "fortress". I don't know whether to laugh or cry]. Then he sneaked into bathroom where indoor guard was filling a bath but also peeing into a toilet. [The author missed a joke about the guard filling the bath with his pee. It would have been so easy.]
47 tried to sneak up and pistol whip him [as opposed to the fibre wire. This is not 47], but guard finished and turned around to say "YOU CANNOT GO IN HERE!"
"Shut up." Said 47 and he punched him in the face [as you do. Fucking subtlety, how does that work?]. The guard fell over into the bath where he fell asleep and droned. [Droned? Why am I imagining The Bees Made Honey In The Lion's Skull coming out of his mouth...]
47 dressed up as indoor guard and checked area. Then he saw King Bascule, who looked like picture except balder and fatter and wearing a bathrobe with boxers [what, boxers over the bathrobe?]. He went into a room where another guard stood at door.
47 walked out of sight and threw a needle to distract the guard. The guard picked it up and said "Hey! Drugs! Cool!" [Drugs clearly caused the creation of this fic.]
He ran up to his friend. Mikhail! "Someone is giving us drugs! Let s try them out!" [Sigh...]
Mikhail, who was a new guy who just showed up the day before, raised an eyebrow behind sunglasses. "Vladimir, do you know where these came from?"
"Who cares? Mikhail! Get the bong!" [In England 'bong' doesn't mean what you think it does.]
"It s in the basement. I ll be back." When Mikhail left Vladimir he went back to his post, but he was too late.
Because while and Mikhail were talking Mr. 47 snuck into King Bass hole s [how very clumsy. Also, a space does not constitute an apostrophe] room where he was watching torture videos and coked him with his fiber wide.
Agent 47 then checked the keyhole and saw that the guard was back, so he moved Bascule s body into his bathroom to make sure that they didn t see it if the entered. Then he climbed out of the window onto the roof, jumped to a tree, and climbed back to ground.
47 put back on his suit and began walking to border, but then started jogging when suddenly the fortress blew up. [What. The. Fuck.]
Authors note: Please review so I can make this even better! [Don't tempt me, troll.]

Now where did I put my whiskey?

Until next time!

Saturday, 5 March 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 2

Once again, dear reader, I have been let down on the prospect of a night out. Thus far anyway. But rejoice, for that means you get some more DC to devour! There's a marked deterioration in this chapter, incredibly.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 1

Someone has defiled my beautiful Hitman canon! 47 has been... Fuck, you'll find out, dear reader. I'll let the summary speak for itself: "Hitman is a hitman who kills but he when he has to hit John Delaware, a surprise will await him." It lives here.

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