Saturday, 19 March 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 1

Oh, I have been neglecting you this month, dear reader. I do apologise. To make up for it, I'm going to start off another Dramatic Commentary! Since the one I was going to do has mysteriously vanished from the interwebs, I think I'll give you a Silent Hill badfic. This one be called Broken Pieces, and it be very bad indeed. As far as I know, it's not a trollfic, which does make a nice change. I'll let the summary speak for it:

"James Sunderland has been traped in silent hill for just a few weeks and he has already been broken but can a little 7 year old blonde girl pick up the pieces that was once James Sunderland? I DO NOT OWN SILENT HILL"

Yeees... Let's get cracking!

"NO PLEASE STOP!" James cried as he felt Pyramid Head slowly thrust back into him [OH GOD ALMIGHTY ON A POGO STICK! The first line... That has to be a new record. Pyramid Head did rape a few of the beasties in Silent Hill, but never James. Canon go boom]. James Sunderland has been traped ['traped'! It's like 'raped'! I see what you did there, writer] in Silent Hill for what felt like months when in reality it has only been a few weeks and already James was broken and somtimes wished for death [long sentence is long and grammatically incorrect. I'm also not surprised he sometimes prays for death, being 'traped' in this fic]. "ARGHHH!" James cried even louder when he felt Pyramid Heads release into him ["ARGHHH!" Teddy cried as he read the words]. "oh dear god..." James sobbed [he's stealing my lines] as he felt blood and the monsters release ooze out [oh dear god...]. As soon as he knew Pyramid Head was gone he slowley stood up, cleaned himself as best he could with just a few oil covered rags wincing at the pain he felt [the rags were wincing at the pain that James was feeling? This is the problem with grammatically incorrect sentences]. And sat down and curled into the fetal ['foetal', but the spelling is the least of our worries] position and slowley cried "I cant belive that just happed to me, I was just raped by a monster!" [I know, James. I can't believe it just happened either] James never thought that somthing like that would ever happen to him, even in a hell town like this but it just did [yes, we know. Don't make me call the Department of Redundancy Department]. Somwhere in between the sobbs James fell into a troubled sleep. [So he fell asleep and then sobbed in his sleep?]
A few hours later was awoken by a light tapping his eyes shot open [GRAMMAR: GET IT RIGHT] and his eyes were met with saphire blue eyes [I dislike where this is going already]. He jumped up staring at the young girl "is somthing wrong mister?" she asked worry obviously in her voice [I don't think that he should tell a young girl that he has been raped by a monster. It may emotionally cripple her]. James lost his voice he hasnt talked to anyone since Angella and Maria and they were who knows where right now [there's a point, why hasn't James left yet? Canonically, he leaves with Laura. Wait, where's Laura?!]. "Im fine" he finally choked out and she looked relived. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" he asked. She smiled slightley "my name is Cindy Gold" [I'm calling Mary Sue] she answerd "shouldn't you be with your mom or dad right now?" her bright smile quickley faded and a look of fear and sadness took over. "Never mind we should go" "yeah" [yup, she's hiding something] they walked in silence well James was slightley limping untill cindy stoped dead in her tracts "whats wrong?" "I...I...cant go by that ally [but you should keep your allies close!]" she stutterd "why not?" "my there" she said quietly [stranger things have happened in Silent hill, so I'll let this slide] and he asked "whats wrong [she just told you]?" "you see me and my mom were leaving my grandmas and we got lost and somhow we ended up here" she breathed "And to make things worse [small kids don't talk like that] moms car broke down so we left to find help and then..." she looked like she was about to burst into tears "and then we ran into some lady who was dressed like a nurse so we asked her for help but when she turned around she had a really scary face and a knife [the monsters in Silent Hill are different for each person who sees them. The nurses are fairly consistent though. I wonder what her problem with nurses is then?]" James cringed as he rememberd his first encounter with those nurse bitches [yeeees...] "we ran into that ally and she jumped on my mom [oo-er!] and started to stab her she screamed for me to run [oh], I did and never looked back" she nearley yelld James looked down at er with pity in his eyes then she said "that was almost two days ago." [Well, she's dead then.]
hope you ppl liked it PLZ REVIEW [Sod off.]

Incidentally, dear reader, Andy and I are having a few problems with the video footage from last Saturday. When it's sorted, I'll hopefully have a copy uploaded here for your perusal.

Until next time!


SharpFang said...

can you do a Starkis Prophecy DC? I like all your other Dramatic Commentaries.

Teddy Leach said...

SF: Sure I can! The first one may be up later today.

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