Thursday, 31 March 2011

The Buzzing Terror

Good evening, dear reader! I do hope you're well. We all know when the days start getting longer, that wasps crawl out of their nests to wreak havoc on humanity. So it was that this morning, while I was enjoying a game of Battlefield 2142 and not giving a shit about anything, a wasp decided that it would ruin my fun by flying through the window and attempting to murder me.

The things, frankly, are little bastards. Indestructible little bastards. This particular specimen was so resistant as to withstand having it's wings broken, losing two legs, and being bisected. To be quite honest, watching it wriggling around without half of it's body was quite unnerving, so I decapitated it. Now, I'm not sure if it was twitching or trying to move, but seeing a headless, cut-in-half wasp somehow still seemingly alive has proven to me that the things just aren't normal.

I recall an incident from my youth. We owned, and still do own, an electric fly-swatter. It's the same as a normal one, only instead of a single plastic mesh, it has two wire meshes which are connected to a button on the handle. Hold the button down, and the wires are charged with electricity. If you turn it on and take a swing at a group of midges, you can create some very pretty light trails from their burning corpses. Art with the dead, dear reader! It's most tasteful. When you use it against larger flying pests, such as flies, they spark, twitch, start to smoke, and produce a smell very similar to a barbecue. I wish I was making that last part up. It has somewhat ruined them for me. Needless to say that the cooked insect is very, very, dead.

Not so when you use it against a wasp, dear reader! During this particular youthful episode, I'd managed to incapacitate a wasp by hurling my shoe at it. Obviously, that didn't kill the diminutive beast. Rather, it seemed to be wriggling about on the ground in a rather angry manner. And so, rather than stamping on it, I did what any child armed with an electric-death-machine would do, and started to toast it on the swatter. it lost it's wings straight away, and it appeared to be trying to crawl to the edge, away from the electric-death-wires. In doing so, it lost it's two back legs. Then, dear reader, something interesting happened. It's back end exploded. I kid you not, dear reader, it's back end exploded. Messily, with an amusing 'pop'. Despite just being blown up, it was still horrifyingly alive, and shortly after, it made it's way to the edge and somehow managed to clamber up away from (what should have been) certain death. My younger self was understandably horrified and amazed in equal measure, so I tipped it off the edge and stamped on it. Only then was it dead.

The Luftwaffe had nothing on there little bastards
The things are unnatural, and I encourage you to stay the hell away from them, dear reader. For all we know, there may be wasp necromancers.

Until next time!


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