Thursday, 3 March 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 1

Someone has defiled my beautiful Hitman canon! 47 has been... Fuck, you'll find out, dear reader. I'll let the summary speak for itself: "Hitman is a hitman who kills but he when he has to hit John Delaware, a surprise will await him." It lives here.

Right, let's get cracking.

Hitman: The Hitting [Redundantly redundant title is redundantly redundant. Try saying that 5 times fast when you're pissed.]
Chapter 1
After Agent 47 shot everyone [no, he doesn't do that! 47 is supposed to be the 'Silent Assassin'. Shooting everyone isn't very silent. Plus, if he did that, he wouldn't get paid] he went away and spent all of his monies on hookers and drugs [no, no, no, no, NO! 47 doesn't spend his money on hookers and drugs, and neither does any self-respecting assassin. Part of 47's character is that he's always been celibate, and he never touches drugs. At least try and get acquainted with the canon before you defile it]. So he had to come back to the Agency so he could kill more people to make more money. [The writer makes it sound as if 47's addicted to killing people and making money. Actually, he was born to be the 'perfect killer', and thus he knows no other way of living. Except for that time when he became a gardener.] "47 is good to have you back!" Said Diana [for some reason, Diana is, inexplicably, Russian. Or possibly Borat], who was Agency chef [she works as a chef now? Aaaaaaaaaaagh] because everyone else quit and bought franchises. [Right, so this is based off a cursory understanding of Blood Money... That doesn't excuse this mess one little bit.]
"Diana. We are the Agency ["No, John, you are the agency", etc.]. Don t we just kill whoever we get paid for [broken English is hideously broken. Also, 47 does not speak like that]?" 47 said over the phone in London. [That reads as if there is only one phone in the whole of London. I can only conclude that the writer has never been to London.]
"I am going to make us better so we can have friends again [what?]." Diana said in her office in France. [What, to herself? Using her powers of mind control? Because she's not USING THE PHONE.]
"This sounds like it needs effort. I will leave it entirely to you [again, what?]." 47 said. "Now do you want me to kill?" 47 continued. ["Yes, my child... Go forth and kill!" 47 seems like an impatient fuck in this fic. This irks me.]
"There is an banker in the building behind you [how very convenient]. His name is John Delaware. Our guy wants him hit, and he will give us bonus cash for any security guests you kill." Diana said. [This is just an excuse for 47 to go apeshit, isn't it?]
So Agent 47 went into his car and selected weapons to use for his mission [because that's so much more subtle than gearing up in your hotel room. In the street. In front of everyone]. He didn t have his pistols because he put them in his dishwasher to remove evidence [as opposed to whiping them clean?] (he let Agent Smith borrow them [what difference does it make, and why?]) but he still had a wire add his sniper file with the big silencer, armored-killing ammo [it kills armour!], an expensive scope, and a frame. [Must be a picture frame. He must carry it around for no reason.]
47 put the rifle in a briefcase and walked into the bank [oh, it's a bank. Funny, you didn't specify before] that had people in suits with guns walking around it [this is London. People do not go around armed in banks in London]. Everyone ignored him because he had a suit too, and they thought he was applying for a job with them [call me old-fashioned, but I think having a barcode tattoo on the back of your head will ensure you'll never work at a bank]. 47 went into the bathroom and when a security guy entered he creped behind him and killed him. [Aaaaaaaagh! This fic is terrible!]
47 took the dead guards clothes and pistols [how many did he carry?] and left the bathroom [this is England. As such, it is not a 'bathroom', but a 'toilet'. 'Bathroom' implies the presence of a bath]. He saw another security guard walk into bathroom suddenly [this reads like the infamous 'How is Babby Formed?'], so he walked in with him. After seeing the dead person [didn't 47 hide him? Or eat him? Or something?], the guard looked suspiciously at 47 [bear in mind the body's a naked security guard who the other security guard would have recognised. Foolish redshirt], so 47 walked around him at a low speed that was still faster then the guard turns [I'm relatively sure now that this might be a trollfic], then he fire wired him so there would be no witness. [He has become the Silent Witness. I love that programme.]
47 took the escalator to the third floor where waited and killed another guard. [Just like that. Don't feel you need to describe anything, eh?]
In security office 47 saw a clerk and a guard, so he began to unpack his rifle [where is 47?]. When it was all set up 47 through his pistol just outside the door of room [he's throwing bigger things than coins nowadays], but the grad did not notice so 47 started throwing coins [oh] to get his action [47 has gone gay. Oh my god... Canon defilement!]. One of these coins hit the guard in the head and died. [:-O How hard does he throw them?!]
The clerk went to investigate the fact that the guard was not moving, and said "what a tragic accident." [as the second guard was bleeding out of his wound. That had a frigging coin sticking out of it. While a security guard near a sniper rifle looked on] He then farted [*Teddy snorts in childish glee*] dragging the body away, but 47 shielded him aad through him out a window.
After stealing a key card and a silencer for his gun [why was a guard carrying a silencer?] 47 took the escalator [an escalator in a bank? Best. Bank. Ever] to the top of the building and started looking round. He then unloaded his rifle again and began aiming at a window of an nearby building that was pelted with egg. [It must be a trollfic. Come on.]
Inside other building John was talking on phone to secret American guy [way to diffuse the plot]. "I had no idea people would get so pissed off at what I did [I know that feeling]. I thought the knew that from me."
"Don t worry. the secret American guy said. If you follow my plan people will love you again." [Even for a trollfic, this hurts.]
"It sounds very risky" John said.
"Shut up. My plans always work. The only reason that other guy got killed was because his plan didn't work." ["My plans always work. Except when they don't."]
"Um okay."
John then went into his bathroom and he opened the window because someone had broke his air cooler. [The git.]
Then he was shot by Asian 47. [o.0]

It's probably a trollfic. But that doesn't mean it's exempt from a good DC, dear reader.

Until the next chapter!


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