Monday, 28 February 2011


Ok... Last chapter. I can do this.

a/n: ok r u redy 4 more [I'm pumped. Let's do this]? becuz sum certain bitch prepz were comploining [I'd have thought that most people were complaining] i got more editars [her editors are pirates. Also, I think that's a lie] ok!1 GET OVER IT! dansk [som på dansk? Utvivlsomt ...] 2 everyon hu lieks it [so I herd u liek mudkipz?]! kep reding LOL GOFFS RULE FOREVER. [No, they don't.]
Four days past [just like that] and I relized that I didn't love Edwart anymore [again, just like that. Of course, we know that she'll love him again by the end of the chapter, and thus, the fic]. I couldn't beleve it miself. I woke up in da morning wif black tearz [she clearly wears mascara to bed, like a mental patient. At least, I hope it's mascara, or she might want to go see a doctor] of deep sorrowfull endless evol depression all crying down mah face. I put on some Metalika musik [she's moved up in the world. Barely] nd cut rist. [Just the one.]
"Twila are u in there?" someone whimpered from outside my room. I gasped. It sounded like Ed [that must mean it's him]. But I just turned up the song and sang allong 2 it, screming "HOLD MI BREATH AS I WISH 4 DETH, OH PLEASE SATAN, WAKE ME" (a/n arent dose lyricz so menengful.) [No. No they're not.]
"OH FUKKIN SATAN NO WHAT R U DOING IN THAR!1111" Edward [I told you it was him] exploded crying becaus he knew what this meant [I'm glad he does, because I damn well don't]. He knew that I didn't want to c him because I had fallen out of love. [But they've barely been married 5 minutes! What happened? Also, how does he know she doesn't love him any more? Things aren't that simple outside of your twisted fantasy-world, dear.]
"Darkness imprizoning me," I wept sadly. "All that I see- absulote HORROR I KANNOT LIVE- I KANNOT DIE!" ["I KANNOT SPELL!"]
Sullenly the door broke down and a bunch of people kame in [oo-er!]. It waz all da Cullens who were still alive [uh... I've lost track of who's died so far] n Jake (he had found hiz way out of da woods) [no shit? He is a werewolf, and it has been four days]. They all storted to pin my hot body down so I could nut move. [Oh. I didn't see this coming.]
"WTF ARE YOU DOING ASSHOLES." I shrieked. My rists were bleding everywhere [it's your fault for cutting them]. "NOW THE WORLD IS GONE ND I'M JUST ONE, OH SATAN HELP ME." [Why are you still singing/shrieking?]
They turned off da musik nd I fainted. "You can't do this Twi [you're unconscious. How do you know they're saying this?]." They looked all serious. "We all entered da pakt by making out wif Hamez [all of them? He gets about a bit]." They said nodding [once again, dear reader, we are observing the hive mind at work]. I gasped again [this is starting to sound like a Satanic porno]. "And Twila, u can't deny ur felines [meow] for Ed."
"Remember the pakt is that if you die, we all die [no, the pact was that if James dies, they die]." I woke up [again, you were unconscious. Bloody Mary Sues...] and asked "Yeah. But isn't the pakt just me Ed Hamez and Victory [what is with the repeated raping of the name 'Victoria'?]. What's gong on?"
"I know lol," I promised [what?]. "I fink it was just a fase I just went thru [wait. What? Have we just jumped forward in time?]." But then Carloyle stepped forward looking at me all weird. "Nu [he should have said 'ni'. That would have been hilarious]," he laughed darkly. "I told u it wasn't over Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz Sad'ness Damian Cullen [long name is long and stupid]. I was trying to make you not love my son wif my powerz so you would kome back to me." [Yeah, I think we've jumped forward in time. Don't forget Carlisle's meant to be Satan. Surely there's simpler tricks up his sleeve for achieving his aims?]
"Well letz celebrate [no, let's not. Also, why?]." Jake screamed. "Twila doesn't want you Carl. You need to get over it." [He's Satan. He doesn't get over things. Satan literally means 'the accuser'. He was cursed by God to spend an eternity frozen in Cocytus, in the ninth circle of Hell for chrissakes. He doesn't get over things.]
"You really seem to understnad me?" Carlisse froned confusedly at Jake. "No one has ever realli understood me." [Don't you dare turn Satan into a woobie.]
So we all went to Vegass and had a party [a party held by Satan in Las Vegas sounds like the best thing ever] and came back to Washerton [home of dishwashers. Or possibly those small, circular, rubber things]. Carlile and Jake got marred there [they're marred enough. Also, I didn't want that mental image]. Then Jake died sadly in an axident [fail storytelling] so Carliel got remared to Esmie. [But aren't they related? Do not want.]
"Twila this place isn't safe." Edward told me that nite. "Did u see what happened to Jake, we need to go someplace safer [is anywhere truly safe from accidents? Other than the offices where Health and Safety now operate, of course]. I know a safe place for vampirs it's called Black Cavern of Bloody Despair." [That sounds like a marvellous holiday destination.]
"Den letz leave at dawn [good. You'd get burned to a crisp in any vampire mythology worth it's salt]." I said staring at him deeply wif my eyes. "We kan start a new goffic life."
"Okay he said."

And that, dear, reader is that. I hope you enjoyed it, because I certainly didn't. Now I'm on the hunt for some more appalling badfics. I've a few in mind, but if you know of any, then simply drop me an email through my contact page. All suggestions are very much appreciated!
Until next time!


Knobby2 said...

I hope to god this fic never sees the light of day again

SharpFang said...

Oh great. She just butchered Metallica.

Teddy Leach said...

Yup, nothing is safe.

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