Wednesday, 9 February 2011


Good evening, dear reader! I hope you're well? Shall we settle down and do another chapter of this trollfic?

a/n: OMG SOZ I TOOK SO LUNG 2 UPDATE. i kant realli say [but she's about to tell us anyway] why but if u want tu know den msg me nd i'll tell u dat i had an emegency nd almost died from sallowing 5 bottles of aspirin lol. [Yup, I'll take it that was the emergency? This fic makes me feel like swallowing copious amounts of aspirin...]
LOL GUEZZ WHAT, TU ALL OF U PPL WHO SAY DAT IM DUMB, MI PSYCOLGY TEACHER TOLD ME 2 IGNORE U becuz ur just playing mind gamez 2 tri to make me fell bad abot miself [we're not. We genuinely think you're a simpleton]. i am not da losser in dis situaton [let's face it: you are. Alternatively, I could be the loser for reading this]! neway PREEPS STOP FLAMONG, gothz tanx for da good stuff, MCR ROX!11 666
Recap from Chapta 8 ["Previously on 24"]: "I want to kill Bella becuz ..." [becuz what?] "We kan help u wif dat." I said sexily. [Not content with victimising Bella, now they're actually going to kill her.]
"Muy bean." (C IS DAT SPELLED WRUNG ['muy bien': yes].) "I'll c u at dawn" [I really wish they'd turn to ash in sunlight.]XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
When I woke up again that morning I was ready to kill Bella [she's been preparing. In her sleep. To be honest, it wouldn't exactly be difficult to kill Bella]. It was dawn and Hamez [spelling it in the same manner in which it is pronounced does nothing to improve this fic] had packed all of da supplies for killing [oh come on, what do you seriously need? You're vampires for fuck's sake]. Eddie woke up and opened his eyez which were the same as mine [topaz. We know. You've told us over 9000 times. We also still know that topaz isn't a colour]. We put on our makeup (he had on white foundation, black eyeliner, and dis fake blood stuff that goes on ur face [I might ask why? Considering you're a vampire, wouldn't actual blood be better?]. i had on purple eyeshadow, lots of blakk, and drak [that's a whole new colour she just invented] lipstick.) Hamez tried to watch us get dressed but I told him that if he didn't fuck off I wouldn't help him kill that little bytch. [Seriously, why does he need your help? Besides your being a Mary Sue...]
So I didn't go 2 school but the preppy prinzipal was too scared to call nd ask why [she didn't exactly make a stir. At all]. Ed didn't go eiver [vampires don't need to go to school. Stop it with the pretence]. I suddenly remebered Midnite and knew she would want 2 be involved too but she was on her honeymoon with Jaspa who I had told to love her or else I waz never gong to talk to him agen [that sounds more like a blessing to me]. While we were leaving secretely [what are you secreting?] to Bella's house, I got sad becuase Ed and I didn't have a honeymoon. I started to cut my rists a little on da way there and I saw dat Ed looked worried. [No shit? His wife is slitting her wrists right next to him after all.]
When we got there Hamez [oh, stop it] borke into the house and we went upstares to Bella's room. The whole thing was pink nd it reminded me of Roslyn's room. I storted 2 cry all hot and angsty [this fic can't take any more angst] because that's where I had caught her with my husband. I cut my rists some more but Hamez said "Shhh, we can't let her no we are at her casa." [This bastardised Spanish is starting to get on my nerves. Even Tony Montana didn't talk like that.]
She was sleeping all preppy nd there were posters of Ed on her walls [he must have been commercialised]. I ran over and tore them down wif my long, black nails [there's nothing like getting the drop on your target, is there?]. She was dreaming abot Ed [how do you know?] and he started to get angry becuz he hated her [yes, the power of the Mary Sue has utterly corrupted him]. "Ok are u ready?" Hamez whimpered. "Here Tila you can take this sword [why not throttle her? It would have been so much less complicated]. Eddie kan have the needle, itz full of cyanide [yes, if decapitating her or running her through does not work, you can always pump her full of poison. There's no kill like overkill]." Well I was sad becuz I had alwez wanted to inject myself [with cyanide? WHY?!] but I didn't say neithing because I knew they wuldnt understend [yes... Because it's perfectly normal to inject oneself with a lethal poison]. I storted to cry tears of blood and Ed gasped and started crying also with me. [Putting the 'pathetic' back in 'empathetic'.]
"Don't tell me . . . . ." he screamed wif depths of depression and pain in his voice [I can feel my soul slipping into the abyss, further and further with every word]. "Dat ur SAD shes going 2 die [yes, she's Seasonal Affective Disorder that Bella's going to die. It makes perfect sense]?" "No you fukking retard [what a charming way to speak to your partner]. I'm sad because there are so many things dat I want in life but evry1 only cares about my bodi!" [So one of the things you want to do is inject cyanide into your body? You might want to do that after doing everything else you want to do. Unless everything else she wants to do is equally stupid. Like headbutting a moving train or something.]
"It's not ur fault that u'r beautiful [no, she isn't]." He cried sexily hugging me. Hamez got scared becuz we were being loud but Beela didn't wak up. Suddenly we killed her. [Show, don't tell. How many times?!]
"Thank satan she's gone." we all said in unicorn ["Did you see that, Charlie?" "Did you see that, Charlie?" They killed her, Charlie!" "She's dead, Charlie!"]. Her body disintergrated into her bed [whaaaaaaat?] which was all wet with blood [I'll take it you used the sword then? Only we need to infer what you actually did because you didn't SHOW US]. We ate her bed [o.0] so there would be no evidenze (lol geddit like evinezenze [no. It really isn't].) And left before her mom could wake up. [But she lives with her father? Have you thought about this? Actually, that's a stupid question.]
When we got to da door there was someone blocking it suicidally [he was hanging there, slowly swinging back and forth]. "CARLIZ [who?]?" we all scremed at once [marvellous, the Hive Mind is once again in effect, dear reader!]. "Yes I can't take it anemore." he said breathing all crazy. He was looking at me [oh, I can see where this is going...]! Edward put his hand around me like protection [not 'for', only 'like']. "Why are u here dad? GET OUT [that's a lovely way to speak to your father]." His eyes started 2 rage. [Rather like my brain.]
"I'm here to take Tqila. I am gong to make her my bride [yup, I told you I knew where this was going. And I was absolutely correct in my assumption]. And we will live in da darkness forevamore hahaha!" he laughed evilly in a gothic voice that I suddenly realized was sexy. Then I sterted to think.
"Wait now." I kommanded when Ed was about to kill Calile [oooh, it's like Star Wars. Except not]. DARKNEZZ FOREVERMORE [I also know where this is going]? I thought beginning to have a mind change [good, you might get a normal mind]. "Mebe that would be good for me you know? Because I need a vampir who can kepp me gothikally satisfied nd stuff." ["Gothikally satisfied"? I don't want to know.]
EDWARD WAS HEARTBORKEN [that's hardly surprising. At least, it wouldn't be if it was spelled correctly]. He satired [oooh, I see what you did there] to scream at the top of his lungs as black venemoos blood poured out of him [as you do when you get dumped in favour of your father]. When a vampere gets ejected by da person that they truly love, there body storts to spazz all explosing like [fail sentence is fail in many ways]. I was misterious so I didn't let you know what was gong on in my thoughts lol. [How nice of you. It's far more likely that you don't know what Twila's thoughts actually are.]
"Yeh dat sounds like a plain [a plain what?]." I said sullenly joyfully to Carlise. He was surmised [yeeees...] that someone like me would want to be with him [no, it's actually not surprising that a slut like you would want to go with him]. Everyone in the room screamed in surprise. "Plz plz just tell me what I did to make you want do leave me [oh, I don't think I can stand much more angst]." said Ed having an ellipictic sezre on the floor. But I didn't say anything still even though he was crying all too sensitive. [Again: more angst than you can shake an angst-shaped stick at. Then the angst would say that this always happens to him and run off in a strop.]
"Ok." I finally gasped at Hamez. "Please just go along wif this. You'll see da true intestions of my plan soon [aaaand, plot diffused and solved before it's even finished!]." And I made him take Ed away. And then I went with Carl who was like "I'm so glad that u've made such a good choice," cackling all satanikally. We went 2 his house [oo-er] (STFU WE DIDNT EVEN DO ANTHING YET U FREAKIN PERVS [oh].) And I knew what I had to do. [Oo-er?]
It takes effort to write this badly, dear reader, it really does.

Until next time!


Knobby2 said...

dude, my brain has given up, the only good reading in her work is the red bits added by the poor sod who has chosen to destroy her completely, oh wait

Teddy Leach said...

Knobby: I've still no idea how it's possible to write that badly. I can forgive it for being a trollfic, but even so.

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