Friday, 4 February 2011

DC: TDGWWILWAV Chapt. 7 & 8

*Grumbles something about idiocy and terrible fanfics.* These two chapters are very short, so I'll do them together. I fear for my brain.

a/n: FLAMMERZ BAK OFF [yeah, I'm noticing a bit of a pattern here]. GOTHZ FANX 4 DA GUD REVIOWS. sorry dat i tuk so lung 2 updatt! ok i waz lissening 2 lenkin park nd i storted 2 ovrdose on pot, crak, maryajana nd koke [as you do. Freak... And at the same time? You should be clinically dead. I demand to know why you aren't]. and i had 2 go 2 da hoospital for a week lol. [Yes, it is a good joke, isn't it?]
The next day I woke up in the morning and opened my icy topaz eyes [oh for god's sake... We've been over this]. I was covered in blood. Der was blood all over my bed [I suppose there would be, if you're covered in blood]. My rists had started cutting [that reads as if her wrists started cutting themselves. I can't say that I blame them, they were probably trying to get away from her] during the night while I was having nightmares [about preps and babies. That sounds like an awesome nightmare]. I moaned smexily ["smexy"... Also, who are you trying to seduce?] and got in the shower nd all da blood went down the drain all swirly nd stuff like in the movie "Pycho" [I was about to make that reference, actually. +1 for pre-empting me] (geddit [oh christ] lik part of mi name, btw if u dnt lik gorey moves lik dat den FUK OFF!). [Psycho isn't very gory at all. It was considered to be back in the day though.]
I had got sent the unform for fukking Mount Saint Preps Adacemy in the mail [how small is that uniform?] and I put it on suicidally [presumably she's knotted every piece of clothing into a noose]. It was prep-pink [as opposed to 'goff pink'] with purple plaid and the skirt was realli long [that is a bad thing for this slut]. I got a knife and cut the skirt and made it really short [yup, she's violated the uniform before even her first day. That takes some doing]. I also got a black sharppie and made the whole thing blak [that would take you for-fucking-ever]. I put a bunch of MCR pins on it and sum safety pins [always useful]. I made a bunch of rips in the shirt where my bobs go [that would be the chest, if you're unaware. Well, boobs would go there anyway, I don't know about bobs] and you could see my lazy blak bra [lazy. Very apt. I also like to think that she just cut out the entire chest so she's effectively got a top with a massive hole in it]. I put up my long strait blak hair in a messy thing with spikes all shooting out and put on red ishadow with blak glitter in it [Yup, she's determined to blend in.]
When I got 2 school there were a million prepz there [must be a big school] and I started tu cry gothically and give them the middle finger [there's nothing like making friends is there, dear reader?]. Plus I remembed that I was pregnant [it took her a long time to remember. She truly has her priorities in order] and I screaming and all the stupid preps got scared and ran to tell the teachers who all wore pink. But they were all crowded arond some1 and gasping with orgasm [brilliant, they're putting something in the water here as well] and bewildedfulness [now I'm bewildedful]. I pushed through them giving them all dirty looks and saw who they were staring at. It waz. . ... Edword! [Oh god, not him.]
"OMGOD WTFRU!111 DOING HERE?" I shooted jumping into hir arms. All the teacherz got scared and ran away and kept looking at his beauty from the distance [christ, it's like being back in the canon]. "Bby I just couldn't keep going to that skool without you. So I transferred here. That skool is just full of prepz now." [So he went to the school with 'prep' in the name? Yes, because that was intelligent...]
He storted to sing "You Know Whot They Do 2 Guys Like Us In Pirson" to me and I loved him [just like that. Show, don't tell]. I knew that he would alwez be there for me. [Unless Buffy catches up with him. I hope she does.]
"Byt he way Twi, ur not pregg." I couldn't beleive it! He told me that he had gotten me tested and I wasn't going to have a baby. [How did he test her without her knowledge? Does she pee herself on a night? Even so, that was a terrible way of defusing the 'plot'. In as much as there was one.]
"I'm so glad lol." I was crying with joy. We ditched skool and dropped out [just like that. Bugger red tape]. We smoked drugs and alcolol outside and the prepz wished they were as cool as us [yes, because smoking drugs and booze is 'cool'. It isn't, incidentally]. Things were getting back to the good way that they used to be and. [And what?]
ok sorri it wuz so shortt, im still in rehab [I'm not going to link you to that song] from da incidenx so i need 2 get better 2 rite more of da good stuff LOL bye. [It's not good. Stop it.]

a/n: OKSU GUYZ PREPSTOP FLARMING [it's like farming with a flamethrower]! siruisly if u fink mi grammer iZ BAD [it is. Very] DEN FUKK U BITCH! DIS TORY IS GONG 2 MAK ME FAMOOSE SUM DAY ND IT WILL B SOLD IN LIBARIES OK SO WNH I AM A MELLONAIR U BITCHEZ KAN CUM CLAWRING 2 ME ND I WILL SAY FUKK U OK! [Wow, delusions!]
disclainer: btw, TWILIGT does not belung 2 me, it is by serpantie millerz [no, it isn't], ok she wunt su me now. [I think she might.]
PLZ ENJOY GOTHEZ, DANX FOR DA GUD COMMENX. i am out of rebab soo i will b able 2 updat more arugato ['arugato'?]! OH ND fanx 2 Rodriga for helping me wif da spanish! U WILL C WHAT I MEAN LOL x666x [Oh no... Well, at least it's not Japanese.]
"Twila . . . . . . . . . ."
I kicked and whismered in my sleep as da voice got louder and louder. I was sleeping in bed with Edward, but I don't think he heard it because he didn't say he heard it. Plus he was sleeping. [Then how would...? AGH!]
"TWILA, TILA!" said the voice screamingly [then surely the voice was screaming?]. It sounded like an ugly old man, or it sounded like Midnite [her sister sounds like an ugly old man. How very delightful]. I wazn't realli sure. I opened my eyes, which were like endless pools of beautiyful topaz [you've said that several times. I've also been over the fact that topaz isn't a colour several times]. I looked around in the dark, but since I was a vampir I could see in the dark (a/n vampirs can see in the dark [yes, you just said that. I think she's had a knock on the head. Or a good kicking. Also 'but' generally implies a disagreement of points]). I saw Ed next to me. His bornze hair was messy and sexah nd his pale skin glowed in the dark [I thought it was supposed to glow/sparkle in sunlight? Bloody twipires]. He was silently singing "Da Hell Song" by sum-42 in his sleep. [If he was asleep and singing silently, how do you actually know he was singing? Let alone what song it was?]
"Hoes there?" I crapped [hur hur] poisonally. My long black hair whipped around me as I turned back and forth at da speed of light [I hope you get whiplash]. I didn't c anyone there so I was fukking confused. I had on a silver nitegown with black linning, and blak lace all around da boobs [the boobs, rather than your boobs? Does the nightgown have breasts? That's quite... Creepy]. I was wearing blak stilettos [I won't ask what they were doing before then. It's very obvious] nd had on tons of eyeliner that I had made cat eyes out of.
Then the voice contunued to shout, "Cum to me Tila Beautifu Psyco Topaz Cullen. OPEN UR EYES TILA TEQUALA [that was an attempt at 'Tila Tequila', wasn't it? Consider the tension defused] FOR IT IS ME!"
"WHAT?"! I shooted. "OK STOP FUKING AROND, WHO DA HELL IS ME?" [Edward must be a heavy sleeper, considering he's not awoken yet.]
Then I looked next to my bed and saw hu was standing ther! It was. .. ... A MAN! [Let's face it, it wasn't going to be a woman. He'll probably be ugly.]
"What r u doing u effing pervert [I don't get this. She swears as much as all Hades outside of dialogue, but when Twila comes to speak, she sees fit to say 'effing'. I just don't get it]." I giggled foriously [there's juxtaposition for you, dear, reader]. "U now dat izn ot aportionate to b in a toung girlz rom?" [Does anyone in the audience speak gibberish?]
"Hahahaa. Si, but I c dat you are lovers wif mi enemios." He said in Spanish. ["Enemios" is not Spanish. It is an English word with 'ios' stuck on the end. "Si" is barely Spanish and occurs in several languages. You need to fire your language assistant.]
Suddenly Ed woke up and growled all ruff nd tuff. He shined his gloriosus teeth in the mans face nd he was temporerily blinded for life. [Is it just me, or is there a hell of a lot of contradiction in this chapter? "Temporarily blinded for life"...]
"MY EYES!" the ugly man shotted. So I was right, it was an ugly man [yes, we all guessed]. I got out of bed seducingly taking off my cloths [excuse me, your husband is right next to you]. Edmard gasped all angry and sensative [deja vu] (a/n lol jealous hot bi guyz r so great [again, deja vu]) becauz I was getting naked in front of a strangler [no, a stranger, not a member of The Stranglers]. A lot of other stuff happened [oh, gee, I wonder what?] and den we found out that da mans name was James but becuz he is Spanish they call him like HAmez [any old muppet should know about the Spanish pronunciation system. Also, I'm pretty sure James wasn't Spanish, unless this is a different one that she just invented]. We found this out because I bribed him wif my body. [Yes, we know. Where was Edward while this was taking place. Wait... I don't want to know.]

Well, this seems to actually be getting worse! Which, I'm sure you'll agree, is quite some achievement.

Until next time!


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