Sunday, 27 February 2011


Here we go again.

a/n: HAM EVRY1 ['ham' is not a greeting] ITZ BEEN 4EVAR [not for me, it hasn't]!1 my mom trid to make me wear a drezz ["OMGZ ITZ TEH END UV DA WURLDZ!!!11111ONEONEONE"] n i had a tanttrum n brok da computer n slit muh ritz [it's a really good job this is a trollfic, or I'd be facepalming so hard right now]. but no we got a new one lolz? [There is no god.] neway TONX FOR DA REVEWS WHILE I WAZ GONE, FUKK ALL U PREPS WHO HATE MI STORI [no, fuck you]! I SWERE ILL GET SATAN TO KILL U IN UR SLEEP [good luck with that. I've read enough occult writings to know exactly how to win in that situation] U FUKKING POZERS! 666 XXX MCR STILL ROX!11 XXX [No they don't. Also, deja vu.]
The next day I was walking 2 Hot Tonic [I was going to put a joke about medicine that burns your throat, but my knowledge of medicine has temporarily left me. Annoying, considering I've a cold at the moment] wif Edward. When suddenly out of nowhere Hamez appered out of da blue. [Not out of the black? You do disappoint me.]
"Hi," we said gothically [hive mind! Again]. But he looked very angery for some raisin [that reads as if he's angry because he doesn't have any raisins. Poor guy]. "Would you mind if I killed you [I wouldn't mind if he killed her]," he storted to sing from dat song by Withen Temptortion [as you do. For no reason. Fucking nutjob...]. "OMG STOP!111" Edward screamed jumping in front of me. I was so confuzed becuz I did nut know what was going on [that makes two of us]. Then I realized Hamez was trying to kill us. [Oh come on. If he was trying to kill you, I'm sure you'd have twigged it a lot sooner. Well, most normal people would have anyway.]
"Why would u do such a thing you- you sick dirtbag [because you're a horrible, horrible person. And also an idiot]!" I cried wearing a long black satan skirt ['Satan skirt'? What?] wif black leather boots and a ripped fishnet ponchu [poncho?] over a black velvet bra with red skullz [so you're once again dressed like a slut, basically]. Mi makup was ruining down my pale pale face. BECUZ I WAS WEEPIGN. [NO SHIT?]
"Now that Bellar [Bella had turned into a pirate] is dead I don't ned your help." Hamez said as he also sobbed. "I don't want 2 do this but I have to [oh god, here we go again...]. I'm afroid that . . . . . . . . . . . ."
"I DARE U TO FINNISH THAT SENTENCE." Edmond muttered at the top of his lungz [how does one mutter at the top of one's lungs? Muttering is, by very definition, quiet]. He turned into a bat and flew at Hamez but Victor leaped in front of him. [What? Who's Victor?!]
"Who are you?" we all screamed [ah, the lovely hive mind. That's twice now] exempt Hamez becuz she was his gf [why does she have a man's name?]. She had jumped out of da trees. Then we decided 2 make up because we had no reason to fight [wait, what?] (A/N maybe later u will find out what hamez was goona say be4 lolol.) [Of course, that means that we'll find out. Do you care, dear reader? No, I don't either.]
Vikroya [OK, her name's just got silly now] was wearing a realli sexah outfit and Edward saw me looking at her and got realli jealouuz [why? We've not known Twila to lez it up]. He storted 2 make out wif Hamez to get bakk at me [words fail me. Words have utterly failed me]. "Oh no WHAT HAVE U DONE, OMG YOU FREAKING ARSE." Vikky shooted at my busband [wait, she's not berating her husband, but berating Twila's? Moreover, she didn't make any effort to stop it from happening?]. "You just entered da pakt with Hamez [ooh, goody]." That was when we found out dat whenever someone kissez Hamez they get binded to him for da rest of eternity [oh for fuck's sake, show, don't tell. Also, woop-de-fucking-do, we already know that Edward will find a way of getting out of it. Or more correctly, Twila will, because she's a Mary Sue]. "WTF that's so random [true dat. Also, she doesn't seem to be very concerned]." I laffed satanically. Edward looked realli scarered but I just said "It's okay, I like bi guyz so you can be with him too." [Strangest. Relationship. Ever.]
Vikky disappered becuz she was mad that Edward stole her boyfreend [it was really that easy to steal him?]. Then me, Edward and Hamez had to preform a special marriage cermoney [is that what they're calling it now? Actually, that's what they used to call it] for the 3 of us to all be together. We all wore lots of black. "That is all." said Hamez looking at me flirty. "Now we have 2 seal the pact by dranking sum blood." [Aww, we've missed the interesting part!]
We all had an orgay [ah, we actually HAVE missed the interesting part! Never mind, I'm sure it'd have been as titillating as being stabbed repeatedly in the face with a kukri] nd went out to hunt. We found a whorewolf [o.0] und were about 2 kill it when I relized it was Jakob [her Sue-powers are evident, dear reader]. He changed back into a person [because it's really that easy to change back] and I gasped. His long blak hair had purple and silver streakz in it, his skin was ten shads lighter, and he 
was wering an Alezana tshirt wif tight blak pantz. [Oh god, another one.]
"Omg Jake, um." I said shy and sexy. "Hi u look realli good?" [No he doesn't. He looks silly.]
"Thanx i got a new style" he said and looked at all of us. "Since you killed my dad [I'm sorry, what timeline are we operating by? I don't know any more. Also, you'd think he'd care more] I got real hordcore. Hey guyz can I join ur pakt." [This is turning into Anita Blake, after the series jumped the shark. Twila's got her own little harem and everything. Next thing she'll be affected by the ardeur and need to have constant sex or she'll die.]
We had a sekret goffic huddle nd thout about it but they got angry and said no [what could have been an interesting parody has just been ruined]. Jakob storted to cry becuz we had killed his dad and now we owed him [that's a very mild way of putting it]. But Vikatora rolled her eyez, "Yea thatz karma" she pissed. [You shouldn't do that while talking to people.]
But then he turned back in2 a wolf and tried to attack us. I turned into a bat and flew out of tha way but Hamez waz too slow. I screamed suicidally as Jakabob [best. Name. Ever] was about to tear apart Hamz who suddenly shooted "IF I DIE THEN U ALL DIE, REMEMBER DA PAKT WE ARE TOGETHER 4 EVER." We were all horrorfied at dis. [So... He's just going to stand there and have them defend him? Because that's certainly what it looks like.]
So we had to save him but we got all cut up but Edward said "Its okay Twi, you look exy with blood on you." [...] So we ran away and Jake got lost in the woods.

One more to go, I can do this...
Until then!


SharpFang said...

The first AN reads as if she got a new computer and new wrists. LOL.

Teddy Leach said...

Probably both. I must remember to greet everyone I see with HAM tomorrow.

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