Saturday, 19 February 2011


A friend of mine has started doing a dramatic reading of this terrible fic. You really should go check it out, dear reader, if you can stomach being exposed to each chapter again.

a/n: ok guyz, i no u hav all binwaden [is that like Osama bin Laden?] 4 mi updats butt [haha, she said 'butt'!] i waz on tour wif FALLOUTBOYY becuz dey red mi story nd invited me 2 come wif them nd it wa relly kool [that's what we call a massive lie. Blatant lies are blatant lies. You've just won the coveted bullshit label. Again]!111 YAH B JELOOZ [even if that was true, I wouldn't be jealous]! OK MCR AND FLLOUTBOYS [there's more than one of them, as you can see] ROCK! 666!
"So kan u plez tell me for why u decided 2 grace me with ur presenze [if I didn't know any better, I'd say the quality of grammar and spelling was getting worse. I genuinely can't tell any more]." said Carli [he's a woman now] smiling. I noticed how sexah he looked wif his violet contacts in [because everyone looks sexah with violet eyes. Also, she's fucking insane]. He loked like an older, hotter vision of Edward [so you officially prefer your husband's father to your husband? This is rapidly turning into a soap opera] and Pete Wints [who? Actually, I don't care]. He was werring blak eyelinear that was gong down his face from da last time he cryed. [When was that? I think we missed it. I know why you cry, but it's something I could never do.]
"Ur son has taken advantege of me to many times [oo-er! It was hardly taking advantage of her though]." I growled staring at him all gothik. Soddenly my vision when blak nd all I could c was blakness. i screAMED AND SCREMED becauz idid nt know what was happiening [there's nothing like a build-up, is there, dear reader? There certainly isn't in this fic]. Then I saw a vision of da antikrist nd i laughed dark and suicidally. [I hope Damien immolates her.]
"Twila, I just read youre [EXTREME ANGER] mind." shouted Calisi. No i said [if you said something, then I expect it to be in speech marks. Actually, I don't expect it in this fic] "becuse I just saw da anticirst?"
"Yes, my tru form is Satan [I sincerely hope the writer isn't confusing Satan for the Antichrist, who is Satan's child]." He describd. "Dat was me gonig into your thoghts and I saw the tru reazon why u came here with me." [Every time something remotely interesting develops, the writer immediately diffuses it.]
"Let me just tell u." I said sobbing becuz he had figered me out [it wouldn't have exactly been difficult. She's not a very good liar]. "I kame here becuz... . . . .."
"Because you wanted to make Edwat jealos [but... Why?]." He said and I storted to cry. "How did u know [you know why. Don't be stupid]?" I asked all deprezzed. He sed, "Becauz i just rad your mind" [Yes, thank you, Captain Fucking Obvious.]
Then all suddenly somebody knocked on Carlo's door. He lokked at me sadly nd opened da door and some gurl I didn't know jumped in. [Show, don't tell. Jesus shitting Christ.]
"What is dis. Why r u here?" we both asked the girl. She was realli ugly and twolve yerz old [I'm not entirely sure she's relevant] nd was wearing a pink Kelly Klorkson shirt nd had frizzie blond hair nd an ugly face [yes, you've mentioned her ugliness]. "HAI GUYS [oh my god, I hate her] MI NAME IS FIONA!" she scremed giggling nd walked into the house but Carlisa [he's still a woman] pushed her back out. "But u kan call me FIONAFIONA32." ["Hi, I'm Tom! But but can call me Thomas Augustus Tiberius Deathbringer the Third! All my friends do!"]
"Ew get da fukk out of here!" I shooted. "OMGZ ur such a prep [and you're such a retard. Life's a veil of tears]." Me and Calri were both disgosted nd suddenly Edwoard appeared and bit her neck nd she stated to screm and bleed [mmm... Child murder... The one thing this fic lacked]. I was sobbing becuz bleeding waz my gratest desire [I have no words. Actually, I do. Actually... No, I don't] but my doktor sed if i cut miself anymroe I would die [GOOD] nd Edard would be sad [I wouldn't. If he had any sense, he wouldn't be either. Unfortunately, he has no sense]. Anyway, Fona died on the flor and her body shirveled up and rotted away [bear in mind this was a 12 year-old girl. Judging by the letters after her name, I assume it was a vendetta on a member of]. Edward came in and got in a stand-off wiv his dad. [I demand that they have guns. Preferably revolvers. Then I demand tumbleweed.]
"Plz plz stop." I said still crying. They were both killing each other [show, don't t- oh, fuck it] nd their makup waz running down the faces. "I'm soz Ed. I didn't mean 2 hurt you I just wanted you to be jealuz [WHY?!]. I doon't want to be with ur dad, kan u please take me home." [I thought he was busy at the moment? Y'know, killing his father?]
Edward was so relived but Carlise was crying angrily and he storted to transform. "NO!11" he yelled. "Nobody kan reject Satan. DO U HEAR ME TILA, I AM STAN ["I 'ate you, Butler!"]!1"
"Yah I know." I said roling my eyez. But he kame running at me and I kicked him and he feel over moaning [oh come on, this is Satan we're talking about! Fucking Mary Sues...]. Me and Ed left him there and walked out helding handz while "Thnx fr da MEMRS" played in the bakkground (a/n FAGG OT BOY FUKKING ROKKS [that's far too deliberate to be a slip. Well done, dear troll!]!1 IF U DUNT LIK DEM THEN GO KILL URSELF [no] FUKK U! FALLOT BOY 4EVA). I had an invasion in my head [o.0] sudenly while we where walking of da Antikrist saying "This is not over Twila, this weil never be over. Bitch [this is for emphasis, BITCH!]" But I blooked it out becuz I knew I was stronger dan him. [You are not stronger than Satan. Do not be silly.]

I need a drink.
Until next time!


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