Thursday, 14 April 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 3

My contempt for this fic is palpable, dear reader. It's just not very good at all. So let's see what's going on in the crazy world of James, Pyramid Head, and Mary Sue Cindy.




YAY chapter 3 [HUZZAH! Also, no], sorry if it's been awhile but since school is over [that explains so much and also makes me weep for the educational system] I will have more time so please review I don't write unless I get at least one [that's a bad writing-plan], so come on ppl at the end of the story click on that little blue word that says REVIEW ok [I do believe the writer's trying to be patronising. Bless 'im. And yes, it is a he. I think the 'About Me' section tells you all you need to know really]. I also am working on two new stories one is for Yugioh 5D, and the second is a SH Angela fic [and bizarrely, neither of them seem to exist]. So enjoy this chapter. [What, because of your aimless excuses, I should enjoy the chapter?]
(Cindy's POV) [Oh goody... We're going to be POV hopping. At least the writer had the sense to tell us. Never mind that the POV jumps are handled badly.]
"Oh...oh god...James...no..." Cindy felt uterly sick at what she was seeing [as am I at what I'm reading and have read], 'the man that saved me is being...being..' [does she REALLY need to give a running commentary on it?] she couldnt even think of the word [buggered]. "AGHHH STOP! PLEASE!" she heard James scream [you know, I don't think Pyramid Head speaks English], 'I have to do somthing' she thought. [Good idea, dear. You do something to stop the out of character man being buggered by a large monster. I never thought I'd say that.]
Cindy silently stood up and tip toed around the shattered vase that she triped [I wasn't aware that she'd triped over a vase?] over and looked around thinking of what she could do, and saw a fire alarm and had an idea.'Perfect, I just hope it works' [I like that she has the time to articulate her thoughts using inner voice. She's surprisingly calm, considering she's just seen James being buggered by Pyramid Head] she thought and made her way over to the big red lever [fire alarms don't have levers]. "Here goes nothing" she sighed to herself as she took hold of the lever.
(James POV) [Mmm... POV whiplash.]
James had never felt so humilliated in all his life [apart from that time in Chapter 1], he knew Mary [canon. I've missed you, my friend] was probobly laughing at his pain [oh. Bye bye canon. Mary was never like that in the slightest] weather it was in the sky above or somewhere in this town. And Cindy...he just prayed she went far enough in the shop so she couldnt see him. [She seemed pretty calm, under the circumstances.]
Just as Pyramid Head was about to thrust back in [I didn't know he'd pulled out? Dear god...] a loud bell started in the flower shop. Pyramid Head stoped and looked in that direction and pulled out of James [wait... What? So he was about to thrust back in, despite already being in? Does not compute] to investigate. His eyes widdened in pure horror at what he was viewing. Pyramid Head took his great knife and smashed through the show window where dead plants flew around as Pyramid head stepped through. [You know, jumping through several actions like that in a single sentence without commas is really dizzying.]
Everything in James mind told him to get up and save Cindy, but what Pyramid Head did to his body, all he could do was lay there and soon felt himself slip into blackness. [Clearly the flight or flight response has a third reaction: pass out.]
(Cindy's POV) [Here we go again.]
No more then a minute later she heard glass shatter [a tad more violent than shatter, wouldn't you say?] and the monster steped [you know, all of these spelling and grammatical mistakes could be avoided by using a beta reader. But no, that's what a competent fanficcer does] in to investigate the sound. But by then Cindy was already out the back door and already at James side [I can only assume that the back door leads directly onto the same street as the front door, given the speed she got there] with wide eyes. "Oh god James..." Cindy sobbed not knowing what to do since he was at least three times heavier then she was [is that relevant? Also, how can she know for sure?]. When suddenly she felt a cloth being put around her mouth and she immediatly felt very sleepy [I hate it when I get chloroformed. It actually knocks you out rather than sends you to sleep, but never mind] and right before darkness took over she saw a woman in red and another in pale pink. [The Sue brigade? Come to recover their wayward child?]
(James POV) [Boing.]
When James finally came to insted of the cold hard concrete he was on before he was laying on soft grass [mmm... Broken sentence]. James took a moment to asess his situation, he looked to his side and saw Cindy curled next to him which brought some relief. And suddenly noticed they were on the lawn of an old looking home with a rather bloddy ['bloddy'?] doghouse just a few feet away. James instictivly carried Cindy in the dingey house [what, the doghouse? Be more specific] and after putting her on the couch and locking the front door [with a conveniently placed key, obviously. Also, why are none of the doors jammed any more?] he checked the house to see if there was anything to help them.
After fifteen min James found 2 health drinks in the fridge [as you do], a med kit in the bathroom, and a couple boxes of ammo for his shotgun and pistol [I always wondered exactly who left all of the pickups around Silent Hill]. James sat on an armchair across the from where Cindy was laying and finally had time to examine her up close. [Oo-er.]
Cindy had platinum blonde hair [sigh] tied in a ponytail with a butterfly hairband, cream colored skin [what, whipped cream?], she had on a knee legnth denim skirt adorned with flowers with matching denim jacket [do not care], a sky blue blouse underneth, and black shoes that from the looks were supposed to be white [because white shoes turn black for no apparent reason]. James eventully nodded off into another troubled sleep.
After what felt like a short nap James heard the back door slam open and instictivly grabed his gun [he sounds like a hillbilly]. He looked at the couch and saw Cindy wasn't there [oh noes!] and in a panic ran out the back door and was relived to see Cindy drawing on the picnic table in the yard. "What are you doing out here?" James asked in a somewhat playfull tone. "Drawing" Cindy smirked. [ORLY?]
James was reminded that she was still a child [as if it wasn't obvious] and he had to protect her no matter what [of course. Can't have the Sue dying after all]. Then suddenly everything turned dark and everything started to rust and once again James panicked [that would be the Otherworld, James. you should be used to it by now]. Just as he was about to tell Cindy to go inside he heard her scream "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" [She screamed in no other way. it was that specific method of screaming, usually reserved for conveying pain or frustration.]
James spun around to see Pyramid Head holding Cindy by her blonde hair [rip her head off]. "JAMES PLEASE HELP ME!" She screamed with tears streaking down her pale face [I've heard that several times before...]. When suddenly Pyramid Head pulled back his Great Knife pointing it right a the small back [I can imagine Mrs. Doyle doing her 'go on' routine. It is glorious]. "NO PLEASE DON'T!" James screamed with tears in his eyes as well. He paused for a second as if pondering not to kill her [yes, because Pyramid Head does silly things like hesitate] and James actully felt hopeful that he wouldnt, but just as that thought came it was gone as Pyramid Head thrust his Great Knife through Cindy. [Hooray, the Sue is dead!]
Her blood spurted on his face as he watched those beautiful saphire eyes started to grow dull [she sounds like a robot] as Pyramid Head pulled his knife out of her and threw her limp form at James [given the sheer size of that knife, Cindy really should be in two halves at the moment]. As James held Cindy he heard her last words "Ja..James.. I...I thought...you...swore to *cough* protect me" [and here we see a typical example of a Sue's resilience] James felt cold as if somone threw cold water on him "I..I did Cindy...and I failed" he said in a dead voice. [Not as dead as my voice when I read this. In my mind.]
Just as he was pulling his pistol and was putting it to his head [now you're just being silly] he looked up and saw Pyramid Head pull the gun out of his hands and smacked him across the face. [He then buggered him. the end.]
(Cindy's POV) [Isn't she supposed to be dead?]
"Ughhh man I feel almost as bad as the time I rode that rollar coaster right after polishing off those cheese fries and a milkshake" Cindy complained as she noticed that James was sound asleep in the armchair [so it was all a dream... What a cop out]. So Cindy decided to go grab a can of peaches ["Walking on the beaches, looking at the peaches."] she saw in the cupboard and as she was taking out the can she noticed the back door was slightly ajar [the back door is truly important in this chapter. Hur hur]. She walked to the door and saw several locks and keys on it 'people musta liked security' she thought.
Then the door suddenly slamed open by the wind and Cindy jumped back in surprise 'dam wind' Cindy thought [well done. Tomorrow we can work on lightning]. Just as she was about to take a bite out of a peach she heard James start crying out, murmering illegible [unintelligible] words. She didn't know what to do so she started shaking him but it only made things worse so she went to the kitchen and grabed a cup and filled it with cold water. [You see, someone DID throw cold water on him! i see what you did there.]
She then ran to the chair and splashed it on him but it didn't work so she stood there completely out of ideas [slap him] when she watched in complete horror as James started to take his pistol in his sleep and pointed it to his head while murmering somthing about failure [sleep-suicide. That's a new one]. Cindy grabed the gun out of his hands and smacked him across the face. [You should have done that in the first place.]
(James POV)
He woke up to see Cindy almost in tears and relized it was a nightmere [long after the readers realised, then]. "Are you ok?" Cindy asked quietly [clearly not]. James suddenly grabbed her in a tight hug to make sure it was real and not some horrible trick of Silent Hill. Once he confirmed she was real he let go and said "Im fine now" but very much fearing his next encounter with Pyramid Head. [And who can blame him?]
YAY it's finally done I worked VERY hard on this [oh dear...] so REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW [sod off] this is best work so far. :D [How dubious :D]


Oh dear, this really is very bad, dear reader.

Until the next horrendous chapter!
Teddy

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

*groan*
So, are people actually reviewing this crap? The feedback cannot be positive, I imagine.
I'd rather be buggered by Pyramid Head than to read the rest of his fic.

Teddy Leach said...

Unfortunately, yes. See for yourself, dear reader. http://www.fanfiction.net/r/5810836/

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