Thursday, 14 July 2011

DC: Celebrian Chapt. 1

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god oh god. This is the big one. Slightly less famous than My Immortal, but more... Well, you'll see. Oh bloody hell, I can't believe I'm already doing this. Before you click the jump, this fic is EXTREMELY NSFW. Almost dangerously NSFW. You have been warned.

TV Tropes can speak for this thing.

An infamous Lord of the Rings fanfic that it is widely regarded as one of the worst fanfics ever written, to the point of Memetic Mutation. Celebri­an, here spelled sans accent, is a briefly mentioned tertiary character in The Lord of the Rings (she's actually Elrond's wife in canon but she doesn't get any development) who gets kidnapped by orcs and is subjected to several forms of rape, Body Horror, and other Squick for over 21,000 words. It is widely regarded as really bad, but there are still others that find it comedic for the extensive lengths it goes off the deep end, along with the sheer ridiculousness of the dialogue and prose. Either way, reading it is regarded as something of an endurance test - finish reading "Celebrian", and you can read just about anything.
Oh, don't click those links, it IS TV Tropes. Right, this fucker's a long one, let's do this. God help us all.

Celebrian [AAAAAAAAAAAGH. Sorry. Sorry... I am calm. Honest] stood before the goblin king, head bowed. Her long silver locks hid her face [I could excuse that if she was a granny or a Targaryen]. Silent tears streamed down dirty checks. [They're being washed by the tears. They can't be THAT dirty.]

The orcs had not mistreated her—woe to any orc who spoiled the king’s pleasure-toy [yes, it's one of THOSE fics. It's THE one of THOSE fics]. But the hem of her traveling dress was wet and muddied by the long walk through water logged tunnels [don't bother getting used to her being dressed, it doesn't last]. Her hair was matted and her arms were muddied, bruised and cut from many a tumble in the dark [I could say something about the orcs apparently not mistreating her, but it makes sense if the dark itself is trying to kill her. YOU'LL SEE WHY *sob*]. None of that mattered compared to the fate that awaited her at the hands of this so-called king. [You don't need to tell me, I've already read this as an endurance test.]

"What is this [I don't even]?" said the goblin king. The lift of his loin cloth caused by the stiffening of his cock demonstrated full well that the question was moot. [He's very excitable, for a king. Then again, I don't want to think about a goblin's mating habits.]

"An elf-bitch, your highness, brought from the cave at the top of the pass. We snatched her while she slept." [She must be a really heavy sleeper. Aren't elves supposed to have superior senses to humans?]

"Was she alone?" asked the King. [It's so rare to have good grammar in a squickfic. It's almost scary.]

His yellow, watery eyes gazed at his captive. Those eyes displayed a hint of fear of elf-warriors but far more they glowed with lust [the good grammar couldn't last. It's passable, at least]. Elves would stop at nothing to reclaim a lost woman to the orcs. As well they should, thought, the king contemplating what lay in store for this fine specimen of elven womanhood [yes, THAT. Yes, I know]. Breaking her to his needs would be exquisite. [Sometimes I wonder who writes this stuff. Hell, this is still tame compared to what we're getting in a minute.]

"No, your highness. But they have not pursued us yet. Guards are posted. We will know if they come." [Hur hur. No, really. In this fic, he could very well mean THAT.]

Celebrian could follow their words, for the orcs were a mixed lot of big Uruks and little woods-goblins and used the Westron tongue to communicate [I might question why Uruks are obeying a goblin? Even a king. And why they're speaking Westron]. Her heart could not help leap with the reminder that her husband Elrond would come in search of her. And no force of orcs could stay her rescue [hahaa... Ha... Oh lordy]. She had only to outlast her captors for a little while. [Again, hahaaaa...]

The goblin stroked the stubble on his chin with a great clawed hand [there's a point, you never see goblins with beards, do you?]. He idly picked the nostril of his large pig-nose [a king who picks his nose. Delightful] and twitched his pig-ears [I'm sorry, is he a goblin or a pig?] so that the tufts of hair in the ears twitched. Tusk-teeth [make that a boar] protrude upward [tenses. Why is it always tenses?] from his under-slung jaw.

He smiled. He knew what she was thinking. And he knew that valor or not, it would take great effort for Elves to track them through the maze of tunnels. They had not idly brought her through water-filled tunnels: tracking was near impossible. [They're elves. I don't think it would make much of a difference.]

The Elves would come, but not for a long time [oo-er. I'm so sorry, blame this fic]. And he would likely be gone long before they arrived. But if not, well, some pleasures were worth the risk. [The dirty sod.]

"Strip her," he said at last. [Here we go. I told you not to get used to her being clothed.]

Celebrian’s head jerked up. Her hair fell away from her face revealing violet eyes under sliver eyebrows, a fine small nose and a tiny, delicate mouth. [Yes, she's described as having the same features of a Targaryen from A Song of Ice and Fire. Just don't picture her as Daenerys Targaryen, or Emilia Clarke. That way madness lays. I don't care if you'd LIKE to, just don't. Trust me.]

The goblin king thought of what that mouth would soon be willing to engulf [the innuendo is killing me]. With a final pulse, his cock stiffened to its full one-foot length [one foot is 12 inches. That's frigging enormous. Oh, the poor girl]. The loincloth slipped to the side revealing his gnarled, twisted gray member [lovely]. Black moles of varying size and height dotted his 2-inch wide shaft [and two inches wide... There really needs to be a life-size diagram of this, so you can understand how ridiculous this is] but the glans was smooth, bulbous and more than 3 inches across [my poor brain is still trying to figure this out]. Pulsing veins snaked across the shaft. [I am having horrible H.R. Giger flashbacks.]

Celebrian gasped [I bet she bloody did] and dropped her head again. Her hair fell back across her face but she could not help dart a glance back at the hideous member. [Why does that not surprise me?]

Honoring the king’s command, the two orcs who had brought her from the cave stepped to her side. With movements more deft than seemed possible for such brutes, they slit the sleeves and shoulder of her dress so that it fell to her waist, caught by her girdle [time is going unbelievably slowly if she's only now being stripped. You know, four paragraphs later]. More flicks of their knives and the girdle and dress fell to her feet.

She was now clad only in her soft, buckskin boots [this is obviously not supposed to be fetishistic in any way]. Her lithe, supple form swayed under the cruel gaze of the goblin. The king idly stroked the head of his cock [if it helps, instead picture him fully clothed with a chicken on his lap. Like a goblin Bond villain]. In response, Celebrian trembled in fear and disgust [she's not the only one], sending sweet tremors through her firm, apples-sized breasts [you'll have to be more specific. Also, plural apple, so they are the size of many apples], breasts graced by perfect, delicate lavender nipples. [The writer has an obsession with the word 'lavender'.]

The king gripped his shaft still harder [I wasn't aware he was gripping it at all. I didn't WANT to be aware of it]. His eyes turned from her quivering breasts to the soft, silver down [just go with it, it's easier on us, dear reader] that was not thick enough to hide her lavender labia [SEE WHAT I MEAN]. He smiled. [I'm glad someone is.]

"Clean her." [Yes, one's sex toys should always be kept clean.]

Buckets and rags were brought [to nowhere in particular, they were just brought]. The two orcs gingerly washed their charge, trembling at the touch of Celebrian’s smooth skin yet also in fear that too familiar a touch would enrage their king. [You have to be familiar if you're going to clean someone. That's pretty unavoidable.]

They started at her boots [yes, not fetishistic in any way, oh no sir. At least we can tell the writer's male], washed the pillars of her thighs, the gentle curves of her hips and the swell of her belly. They caressed her small, sweet breasts with their wash rags and finished with a careful wipe of her face. [A grandmother's spit and polish. There's something for you if you're of a certain age.]

Through it all, Celebrian stood as still as possible. She feared that any further quiver on her part, any further tremble of her breast [yup, just one. I'm starting to think she has a uniboob that is the size of several apples. Freak] might rouse the king to action. She had to delay. She had to survive until Elrond arrived. [Survival is the least of her problems.]

"Clothe her." [I would question the reasoning here. "Strip her." *Herp derp.* "Clean her." *Herp derp.* "Clothe her." *Herp derp.* And so on and so on.]

A garment was brought [I can picture it vividly, in all it's garmenty glory]. They forced one leg up, then the other. Looking down through her dangling hair she could not tell what they were dressing her in, only that it was black, tiny and her legs were through two straps. [FEEL THE DETAIL.]

The orcs raised the garment up. She had expected coarse orc-cloth. But it was smooth, fine silk [we now know the garment is made of silk. We just don't know much else. Kinda hard to picture, mm?]. The orcs reached her pubes [of course they did, this is Celebrian]. She felt the cloth bite into her slit [why must people use that sickening word?] and gasped. She could not keep her eyes from darting to the goblin king. [I'm not surprised. I've seen smaller fire axes. She probably thinks he's going to beat her to death with it.]

The king’s gaze dance [fucking tenses] from her eyes to her breasts and back [how can he see behind her? Do his eyes pop out of his head and fly around?]. He leered and passed his lumpy tongue over his tusks [I'm pretty sure goblins never had tusks. Correct me if I'm wrong though] and across his thick lips.

"She likes that," he said with a laugh. [Not yet she doesn't. *Shivers.*]

Pointing to the orcs holding the garment at her hips, he said, "fix the straps on her twat." [And that word. Why? What is the need?]

Celebrian felt rough orc fingers and claws slide along the silk over her pubes. They brushed her labia [you keep using that word. It's getting on my nerves]. She trembled violently at the touch. This time she forced her eyes down but this only caused her to watch her bouncing breasts [why on earth are they bouncing?] and only reminded her further of the king’s pleasure in her torment. [I hope you're bloody taking pleasure in my torment, dear reader.]

The orc separated the cloth into two straps and set them on either side of her labia. [Why? What is the need?]

"Now do the rest," said the king. [Some people say Celebrian is unbelievably boring, for a pornfic. I think you might be starting to understand why.]

The two orcs continued to work the garment upward [I wish I knew what this garment actually is]. There was little to it: just a pair of straps that passed from shoulder to her pubes joined by a horizontal band front and back [so not so much a garment and more a half-hogtie]. The orcs left the straps passing on either side of her breasts so that they pushed her flesh into a tight mound. [Because goblins find mounds sexy. Possibly THOSE mounds, but I genuinely can't tell. it just sounds like she has a uniboob.]

The king regarded the elf-bitch [you also keep using that term of reference. I think you have a complex] before him, naked except for the black silk that shaped her breasts and highlighted her labia. [WOULD YOU STOP USING THAT WORD.]

To the orc on her left, the King made a twisting motion with his clawed hand. The orc twisted the horizontal band at Celebrian’s back, tightening the straps and fixed it with some sort of clasp [the king's obviously using The Force. Also, details are detailed. Except in this case, obviously. Y'know, how there are no details whatsoever]. The action drew her breasts together [I was under the impression they already were together] and pushed against her genitals so that her labia [oh honestly] protruded half an inch. [What.]

"Excellent," said the King. [No, not excellent. This is wrong. Wrong on so many levels.]

Celebrian clenched her jaw at the indignity. She forced her mind to visualize her husband coming to rescue her. She had to endure. She could outlast this beast [poor choice of words, especially given what happens later. Yes, IT DOES. I KNOW]. He could degrade her with this scrap of clothing. He could even force himself on her but he would not have her soul. [He's going to do much worse than that.]

The king waved the two orcs away [Force Push]. He sat on his throne, running a hand up and down his shaft, around the prominent lip of his glans [ :( ]. His cock was so hard that the taut skin of his glans dully reflected the torch light [sometimes he gets anatomy right. Sometimes. He also gets it very wrong, as we've noted]. Every lump and mole on his shaft stood clearly defined. [How delightful. Celebrian's going to come away from this with a disease.]

Celebrian’s body began to ache with the tension of holding perfectly still. What was the brute up to [as if it wasn't bleeding obvious]? Her heart filled with hope at the delay yet she knew it could not last.

"She is tired," said the king. "Bring her a stool." [No, not that kind of stool. Not yet anyway.]

A stool was placed behind her and she was pushed on to it. She could not help feel some relief at sitting but it lasted only the few moments before the king waved at her legs and an orc spread her legs apart [The Force? Domination? Possession? We may never know. A cookie to the person who knows what I mean by 'Domination'] so that the king had a clear view of her womanhood. [He's found a new word.]

No matter. She could endure this too. [Ooh boy...]

"She is thirsty, bring her a drink." [This is a bigger plot device than you think. In as much as there is a plot.]

Behind her she heard an orc uncork flasks and several liquids being poured [an orc alchemist. That's a new one]. Hob-nailed footsteps approached and an orc hand reach out from behind her with a leather wineskin in his hand.

"Drink," said the king gesturing with his hands.

Something about his leer told her not to take the drink [herp derp]. She moved to bat it away but the orc stepped aside. A second orc then held her arms to her side while the first orc pried her mouth open and poured the flask down her throat. [DUN DUN DUUUN.]

The oily, thick liquid burned and gagged her [no, not in the exciting way]. It smelled of rancid sex [whu?] and sweat, tasted of strong liquor with a hint of salt [so probably like the water in Loch Ness, then]. They emptied the wineskin in short bursts, holding her mouth closed between draughts so that she was forced to drink every drop.

She felt the heat of the liquid burn down her throat and into her stomach [no, it's not acid. I wish it was]. She felt the back of her throat close shut in a gag reflex then slowly loosen. The heat in her stomach moved to her nipples and clit [clitoris. It's jarring to see slang in purple prose]. To her horror, her nipples stood small and proud [like little soldiers. Bless 'em]. She could not see her clit[oris] but could feel the swell in her loins [she's growing a willy]. Her labia protrude [I don't know what this writer has against the letter 's'] even farther and she knew that her clit[oris], too, was erect and proud in its soft fold of lavender [obsession, it must be] flesh.

The king watched the liquid take its course with unmasked pleasure [dirty sod]. His cock bobbed before him [b'caw]. His fists clenched at his side. His tongue danced over his meaty lips and yellowed tusks while his nostrils flared and his ears twitched with pleasure. [I think he might be enjoying it.]

"Not long now," whispered the king. [And, ladies and gentlemen, things are about to get much, much worse.]

He knew that the elf-bitch was lost in the pulse of her body and was no longer paying attention to him. A drop of clear liquid seeped from the tip of his cock and fell to the floor. [Ugh, bloody hell.]

How long Celebrian remained lost in contemplation of her awakening body, she could never remember. It might have been seconds or hours [or even years. There's a thought for you]. Her head had grown foggy and her field of vision shrunk to no more than the king [and we all know what she's looking at. Dirty girl]. She smiled at the warmth in her loins [yes, he keeps using this word as well] and raised a hand to flick a nipple [as you do], not hearing the grunt of pleasure from the king. [Considering nothing much is happening yet, he's easily excited. I don't imagine goblin women are much to look at.]

While rubbing her nipple between thumb and forefinger, she brushed her hair behind her ears with the other [as you do. This is obviously not a fantasy the writer's describing. OBVIOUSLY]. The hall seemed dark to her except for the king on his throne [having a poo. Oh, wrong throne]. Idly her gaze traveled over his yellow eyes above the pig nose and tusk, no longer noticing the bold lear. It moved down his bare, hairy chest and fixed on his great cock [b'caw. It's a penis. Call it a sodding penis. In real life, it doesn't matter. In the middle of purple prose, it bloody well does]. His great, long magnificent cock, so unlike the small, smooth one of her husband. [Because elves are disgusted by normal penises. I imagine a baseball bat looks small compared to that bloody thing there.]

Her hand moved from her hair to her clit[oris. OK, I'll stop now]. She slowly rubbed both nipple and clitoris [OK, things are happening now. NOW I expect the king to get over-excited. Not before], feeling the wetness in her pussy [and that word. Why use it?] and smelling her scent. All the while she stared at the cock in front of her. Her vision shrank further so that all she could see was that great, gray shaft and smooth head [well the rest of it isn't bloody smooth, is it? I thought she suddenly didn't like smooth?]. Somewhere in the hair from which it sprouted, she knew there must be a pair of balls [how do you do it, Holmes?]. Would they match the size of the foot-long rod before her, she casually wondered? [Yes. They're giant, pimply footballs. And now I feel ill.]

She worked her nipple and clit. Dull pleasure rolled in waves across her body. It had been a millennia since she last played this way with herself [she should stay in more]. Perhaps it had been too long because she could not bring herself to climax [she should stay in more]. A pout graced her small mouth at the frustrated desire.

Unnoticed by Celebrian, the king stared at his elf-bitch in high heat. His balls ached for release, more clear drops dripped on the floor. [Lovely.]

"These elf-whores just need a little push to awaken," he said. [Or a mind-numbing pleasure-drug. That works too. I'm sure we could all do with a few bottles of it.]

He jiggled his cock drawing Celebrian’s attention to it [subtle]. She noticed the liquid dripping from its tip and involuntarily swallowed. Yet, her throat balked at the attempt: the muscles were still loose from the draught.

The cock called her ["Hellooo?"]. What would it taste like [please no. We don't know what it is. It's probably wee]? What it would it feel like in her mouth [I don't want to know]? She had never taken Elrond into her mouth [poor guy]. That was not the elvish way despite the vulgar name for fellatio: "The Elvish Art." [I can't imagine why.]

She fell to her knees. The great cock loomed before her, twisted and gnarled with its warts, bumps and pulsing veins except for the taut, smooth knob [just let that mental image sink in. I know your mind hurts, dear reader, mind does too]. It was beautiful [no. Just no]. Rough and smooth, round and long [hot and cold, cheese and onion, salt and pepper, sweet and sour]. Oh, so long. She felt a pang in her loins [you keep using that word], a desire to bury the rod [he'll keep using this one as well] in her loins [ding! Repetition!]. But the curiosity of her mouth won out.

She rocked forward and extended her tongue to touch the tip of the glans. She caught a drop of liquid and tasted a not unpleasant saltiness. [No. Please no.]

"No one touches the king without permission." [Thank god for that.]

The voice came as if from a distance yet she recognized it as the king’s voice, the owner of this magnificent cock. [B'c, b'c, b'c, b'caw.]

She ignored it and reached a hand for the bulb. [How many Celebrains does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they're too busy trying to suck the king's warty dick.]

"No!" thundered the voice. "Not without permission." [I'm not sure that's healthy for him.]

She withdrew the hand halfway, yet still poised, fingers open. She ached to feel it against her, in her mouth, in her twat. [Sigh.]

"Ask, and you may touch." [I'll leave the obvious parallels there.]

Her mind was still clouded by the draught. Ask? Ask for what? She wondered. [Herpy derpy derp.]

"Oh, to touch it," she said, thinking out loud [DERP]. She did not notice the laugher of the king and his orcs. [I'm not surprised. Bloody idiot.]

"May I touch it?" she asked with a look of wonder and anticipation on her delicate face.

"Who asks?" [Get used to this as well.]

"Celebrian. Celebrian asks to touch it."

"Touch what, little bitch?" [It's an obvious play for dominance, but is it really necessary? As I say, it's obviously not a fantasy at all.]

"Touch it. Touch your cock," saying the word cock for the first time in all the ages of her long life. [Sigh.]

"Celebrian wants to touch the king’s cock?" [OBVIOUSLY NOT YOU BLOODY IMBECILE.]

"Yes." [No. Please don't.]

"And what does that make her?" [A slut.]

Make her? Why a whore [that too]. Yes, she thought, finding a strange pleasure in the thought. Celebrian is a whore [yes. Yes she is. No, really]. I am Celebrian; I am a whore. She smiled and reached for the cock. The king’s hand grabbed her wrist, but gently so as not to break her mood. [I'm not surprised considering she didn't answer him.]

"Ask properly, ask like you mean it, elf-bitch," he said, barely able to contain his own anticipation. [This is obviously goblin foreplay.]

She turned her tunnel vision to his face. The great pig noise [so he is a boar. This fic just took an even more unfortunate turn. Except I know what happens later], fat lips and tusks now seemed somehow attractive in a raw animal way. [Hint. Hint.]

Staring into his yellowed eyes, she said, "Celebrian the whore wants to touch your cock. She wants to put it in her mouth. Please?" [Oh, honestly.]

She smiled a sweet little smile. [You're not fooling anyone, dear.]

It took his complete will to keep from slamming her head onto his shaft [some might call it idiocy]. But he stilled himself. It was much better if she did it herself [oh, you writer. What tales you must have for us]. Much better now and much better later. She was drugged but she was not yet broken. [I am having horrible flashbacks to Broken Pieces. Great, that's ALL I needed.]

"By all means, cunt [now that's just mean]," said the king.

"Thank you, my king," she said politely. [Well he's not being fucking polite.]

She turned her vision back to the cock [you keep using that word. It's getting on my raving titties]. It was all she saw; it filled her mind.

"Celebrian likes the big cock with its shiny head and bumpy shaft [the horror]. Such a beautiful cock [NO]. So big and strong."

The king shuddered at the words. Never had an elf-bitch taken the magic potion so well before. [I have to question what's in this potion. Probably vast amounts of absinthe.]

She grabbed the head of his cock with one hand [she ripped it off. The end]. The heat surprised and pleased her. She ran her fingers over its smooth surface and around its lip [it has lips now]. She cupped the glans in one hand and ran the forefinger on [of. That's the least of our problems though] the other along its under side catching the liquid that had run down it as well as a fresh drop at the tip. [It's leaking. He's incontinent.]

She gathered the liquid on her fingertip and put it in her mouth savoring the salty tang. [Filthy woman.]

"You must ask for my gifts," gasped the king in pleasure. "Each… each… step [THANKS THAT SONG'S IN MY HEAD NOW]. And name yourself all the names of a whore, slut-who-pleasures-the-king." [There are so many names for a whore that I wouldn't know where to begin.]

Celebrian’s mind, though clouded, was still cunning [don't misread that. And obviously not cunning enough to know what the king meant before. Derp]. Word games, she thought, how fun [not in this context]. She rolled her tongue across her lips.

"May Celebrian-who-loves-the-king’s-cock-drippings, touch the king’s balls?" she asked. [Wut.]

The king grunted assent. [I saw that one coming, funnily enough.]

Celebrian ran a hand along the king’s shaft. The full cock filled her small hand. She felt the bumps of warts and moles pass pleasantly beneath her touch. [Y'know, the writer really is keen to accentuate that fact whenever he's able. He's got a complex.]

Her hand reached the mass of tangled, thick hair at the root of the shaft [and now that theme song's in my head]. Her hand continued down the shaft into the hair, slid to the underside to the scrotum.

The skin of the scrotum was rough and warm [obviously]. Something heavy pulled the sack down [ORLY?]. Her hand followed it down. Down an inch, down six inches until she finally found the great stones that stretched the sack so much. [I'm sorry, I don't know how big it is any more. Anywhere from six inches to a frigging baseball bat.]

She gasped at the fill of the king’s balls. [I bet she did.]

"May Celebrian, Elf-who-touches-the-king’s-great-stones [...], hold them in her hands?" she ask with a smile.

The king grunted assent again. [Why does that not surprise me.]

She reached both hands to the great stones, fondled both and cupped each with a hand. They filled her hands with their hairy, hot mass [oh god]. The feel of the king’s sex [oh I hate that term so much], the heft of them compared to the puny mass of her husband’s sent a warmth through her. [Yes. Elrond is small. We get it.]

She closed her eyes and purred in pleasure [that'll please the furries], rocking slightly as she held the king’s treasure [I see what you did there]. She drew closer to the great stones. As she did so, her cheek brushed the king’s cock. The smooth head brushed her smooth check. [Funny, you should have mentioned it.]

She opened her eyes again and stared along the great shaft of the king’s manhood. She saw the glans’ smooth swell and its cliff-fall to the wart covered shaft. She wondered how she could ever contain such an expanse of flesh in her flesh [flesh. Fleshy flesh. Flesh. I've typed it too much, it's gone weird! Ah, I do like Miranda]. But she knew that she would soon try. She wondered what the warts would feel like as her lips, upper and nether [oh god, this purple prose hurts], passed over them. Would they give extra pleasure [I wouldn't bloody well think so]? This she also would she soon know she thought with a smile. [You slut.]

She dropped one of the king’s balls [it shattered on the floor] and used both hands to caress the other one. One hand was not enough.

"Celebrian-who-is-awed-by-the-king’s-warty-cock, may she fondle the king’s ball?"

"Y-y-yes, bitch," the King managed. "Hold it and feel the power that no elf-man can posses [so many references I could put here. So many]," he continued, regaining a little composure but still tense with eager anticipation.

She continued her caresses, rubbing her hands over the mass. It must weigh a pound, maybe two [hell, go nuts. Why not three?], she thought with pleasure. What great volumes must come from it.

She left her cheek resting against the king’s cock, felt alternately the glans and bumpy shaft [well, I know what I'm going to be having nightmares about tonight] rub back and forth as her head and body rocked back and forth with her caresses.

The king’s body jerked under the hold on his balls and the elf-flesh on his cock. Celebrian smiled at the thought that she could please such a brute. [You're not really doing much though. He can't have had it in a while.]

"Can the king’s-ball-holder lick his cock?" she asked. [Please no.]

"Yes, Celebrian," said the king, reaching out a clawed hand to cup the back of her head. [OF COURSE HE'LL BLOODY SAY THAT.]

She pulled her head back so that she stared directly at the pulsing cock. She let the great ball drop gently and griped [yeah, I've a gripe or three hundred with this] the shaft. For a moment she gazed at the massive cock an inch from the tip of her nose [so many measurements. One would think the writer has a number fetish, along with all the others]; the massive cock held like a spear in her own hands, aimed at her mouth.

Slowly, so as to savor the moment, she extended her tongue and caught another drop hanging from the tip [dull. Disgusting. Welcome to Celebrian]. She drew the drop into her mouth and then extended again. Beginning in the hole at the tip [oh, you're not calling it a jap's eye? You do disappoint me], she darted her tongue in [how fucking big is that eye?], then licked in a spiral from to tip to the lip of the glans in a slow, wide languid pass. The cock jerked with pleasure [the writer makes it sound like a sentient being. Which does happen later. Really] when she rounded the full rim of the bulb but she held it steady in her two-handed grip.

She ran her tongue down the underside where the glans-lip came to together than back towards the tip where her tongue darted into the hole, almost fucking the king in reverse. [Thanks, I really wanted that mental image.]

With her tongue firmly pinning the tip of the cock, she stroked her hands up and down the shaft from glans to root. She felt the bump of the warts under her hand, the pulse and roll of the veins of the shaft. It was good. [No it isn't. This is very ungood. This is wrong.]

The king felt himself beginning to lose control. She was good, almost perfect. But it was too soon. He had to be in control. [He's a bit insecure then.]

"Cel-" started the king but his voice cracked. He licked his fleshy lips and tried again. "Celebrian! Do you wish to take my cock into your mouth?" [Oh, does she have to?]

She pulled her tongue away and looked up to the owner of the magnificent cock. Her hands gripped the shaft just below the bulb.

"Yes, king."

"Why should I trust my cock to you? Have you ever tasted cock before, let alone such a fine rod as this?"

"No," she said. A tear welled in her eye.

"Address me properly, cunt [yup, just throw that in there]: ‘no, king-with-the-dick-I-beg-to-lick.’"

She nodded, ashamed and appalled that she had displeased the king and might not taste the great shaft.
[That's better.]

"Beg to take my cock, convince me of your ardor and I may let you try, pathetic though your attempt may be."

"Oh, thank you, great-king-with-balls-of-fire, king-whose-great-rod-my-mouth-yearns-for."

"Go on, silver bitch. You may not yet stuff your mouth with my wondrous rod." [The writer is determined to drag this out.]

"Please, my-lord-with-the-rod-of-steel ["I've got balls of steel"], please let me pleasure you with my humble mouth. I am not worthy for the least favor from the tip of your cock. Each drop I worship though it is degraded in my untrained mouth [oh god make it stop]. I beg to learn the true art of pleasure on your great shaft. I shall caress it tenderly with my tongue, work my lips loving over each bump and twist of your shaft, embrace it fully in my gorge." [Such. Innuendo.]

"Perhaps I shall let you try…" said the king. [He's male. Of course he'll let her.]

Celebrian opened her mouth wide and bobbed her head at the cock. The king pulled her up short by the hair on her head. The breath from her gaping mouth warmed the bulb of his dick.

"Bad elf-bitch. Bad cunt with tiny breasts and little mouth [meanie]. I have not given you permission yet. For this transgression, you must beg for forgiveness by naming yourself further. Then we will see." [He really is determined to make this go on as long as possible.]

Celebrian stared down her nose at the glans. She pulled her head against his grip straining to take it into her mouth but the king would not yield. Name herself? [Yes, like you've been doing for what feels like the past hour. Well, for me it's been the past three hours.]

"Cock-sucker?" she said tentatively, straining still.


"Me, Celebrian. I am a cock-sucker."


"Cock-sucker, knob-licker, semen-drinker," she said gaining speed. "I am a whore, a bitch who begs the least drop from a cock without parallel. I want to taste the root of your shaft. I want to fill my mouth with your bulb. I am cock-worshipper, ball-holder, sucker of my king’s salty gifts. I wish to drink every drop in your cock. Feel your great seed fill my mouth, spill down my face and on to my unworthy boobs. I am the cock-whore, the ball-queen, the seed-drinker. The world is my lord the orc [goblin] king’s great rod. It fills my sight; may it fill my body." [Purpley urpley prose. In case you don't know what it is, it's where the writer uses overly-flowery language. In this case, it's sprinkled with crudities.]

"Very well, cock-sucker, suck-cock." [I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE KILL ME PLEASE.]

The king released her hair. Mouth wide, she eagerly bobbed forward and took his entire glans in oral embrace [this is more puce prose]. Her lips wrapped to the lip of the glans. She felt the bulb, big as an apple fill her mouth [I give up even attempting to rationalise how big it is now]. It warmed her mouth and sent more warmth to her pussy. She pulled back passing her lips and tongue over the bulb. [Have you noticed how often the writer refers to the mouth? I have and it's starting to wear thin.]

Again she bobbed forward and took the bulb in her mouth. Then back, in and out. Jaws stretched wide open to accommodate the pulsing mass. Jaws aching but mouth fulfilled like never before. [It just goes on and on and on and on and on. If you were wondering how it's possible to make porn boring, this is how you do it.]

The king groaned in pleasure but she did not hear. She saw only the bulb of the dick, felt only its warmth in her mouth and under her hands, heard only the wet slurp of her earnest work. [See, this is part of the problem. The writer describes something. Then re-describes it for about another three paragraphs.]

She bobbed again, took the bulb once more in her mouth. This time she opened her throat and pressed the wonderful, burning spear deeper. The magic draught still suppressed her gag and she took the great bulb and shaft deep into her throat without pause. Swiftly, she plunged down the rod until she buried her nose in the hair of the king’s crotch [oh delightful]. She smelled sweat and rancid seed [I wish people wouldn't call it that. Actually, it seems that only fanficcers do. NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T]. She felt the huge cock fill her.

Up her head rose for air, then down deep. Again and again. Her pussy ran wet with her juices. Her mouth ran wet with her juices [they all ran wet with her juices in a giant wet cake]. She marveled at the great shaft and how it filled her. How the smooth glans-lips passed her lips and throat, followed by the rough bumps and knobs of the gnarled shaft. [You know, most of this bollocks could have been taken out, and no details would have been lost.]

Again and again, she rose, gasped for air and dove down [like going diving! Except not]. Finally, at the bottom of a down stroke [wow, she IS going diving], with the king deep within her, he came in a great torrent [OH GOD]. He came so fast and full that she swallowed none of it. Instead, as she bobbed up for air, as the great grey shaft pulled from her mouth, a flood of seed followed with it. [The horror. The horror.]

It filled her mouth with stickiness and salt [pretty sure it's not meant to be salty, but I'm sure someone could correct me. I MEAN. I'm sure you're all respectable, my dear readers. Yes]. It spilled from her mouth down her chin, splattered on to breasts and chest, ran down the straps of her garment, down her belly and into the silver down of her pubes. [Pubic hair isn't really a down. A down is what ducklings have. Down is generally fluffy. Pubic hair is not fluffy.]

For a moment, she paused in surprise. The great cock dancing before her, no longer shiny but dull and slimy with semen [see, the writer actually does seem to understand anatomy. Or he's practiced on himself a lot *shivers*]. A string of jizz stretched between the bulb-tip and her lip. She watched great globs drip from the shaft and felt more globs fall from her face. [GLOBS. GLOBULES. He makes it sound so magical. On the plus side, 'globs' is immensely fun to say. Globs.]

She smiled [I bet she bloody did. Jesus, how many times have I said that now?]. As if in response, the cock jerked again, spraying a fresh load of filth [filth is correct] on her face, heavier than the first. It splashed into her open mouth and slid down her chin. A strand passed over her brow and coated her hair into a sticky mess. Spasm and spasm [spasmgasm] again of the great cock sprayed more and more mess onto her until her eyes were plastered shut and her face covered with a globby-mess. Hot, stinking, wonderful mess. [Does not compute. Brain has performed an illegal operation and will shut down.]

Blindly, Celebrian took the bulb into her mouth again. This time sucking and cleaning to remove every drop. She swallowed to the root of the shaft and cleansed with tight lips as she withdrew. She worked the bulb and shaft with lips and eager fingers until she felt it go limp. [The king is obviously not multi-orgasmic. I can't believe I'm writing this.]

Then she wiped her face with long, graceful fingers, cleaning each finger with her lips and tongue before wiping again. She felt no need to clean, only to gather every precious drop of the king’s gift. [Wasn't that a film?]

When little remained on her face, she rubbed her breasts and belly, gathering more of the sticky mass and rubbing the remainder into a thin coating. [Like... Fish batter. No. You can probably note my fatigue at this point.]

She wiped her eyes clear so that she could see. There was the king, sprawled on his throne. His great cock lay limp on his thigh, still thick and massive but not as thick as before [obviously]. A string of drool hung from his parted lips. He smiled at the Celebrian.

"Well, done, elf-bitch. Silver cock-sucker [next time she'll aim for gold!]. Well done for a first time. Perhaps next time will be better."

Under the sheen of smeared semen [he paid attention in school. Bronze star for alliteration], Celebrian’s cheeks turned red in shame for not fully pleasing her king [I think she bloody well did please him]. But her memory still burned with ectasty at the memory of the fill of the great cock. And she thought with pleasure that she was promised another try. [I can't wait and I'm lying.]

Her own sex burned [*stares. Thinks of that song*] in her loins [y'know, next time I have tenderloin, I'm going to remember this fic and be violently sick]. She longed for the king to fill her lower throat as he had filled the upper ['lower throat'? It's not a frigging throat]. She stared wishfully at his cock while her finger unthinkingly found her labia [oh, here we go again]. The hood of her labia was wet with the seed that had run down her belly. She worked the moisture into her inner lips, around her clitoris, into her vagina. [Finally, normal words!]

She worked her clit [it couldn't last] vigorously, eager for release. Soft moans escaped her lip [lips don't moan, mouths and throats do]. Her vision had begun to widen so that she could see the great cock stiffen again [oh no, not again] and at the same time watch the king’s rapt gaze at her twat. [Ugh.]

At last she felt climax near. Her back arched, she moaned loader and loader until sharp gasps filled the room. She had forgotten about cock and king when suddenly the king lifted her up, spun her around, bent her over and rammed his once again rigid member into her steaming pussy. [That's just rud- Wait, steaming?]

She gasped in pain as the broad shaft penetrated her tight pussy, a pussy never before filled with such girth. She gasped in pain [she gasped in pain. SHE FUCKING WELL GASPED IN PAIN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?] as he drove his cock deep to the end of her tunnel [maybe it's the Channel Tunnel *baddum-tsch*], knocking against the firm end. Out came the head, then in again. In and out [shake it all about]. Gasps of pain turning to screams of pleasure as the great cock melted her pussy. [First it's steaming, now it's melting.]

One of her hands cupped her dangling breasts while the other returned to her clit, to work it her pearl [lolwut?]. She heard the king grunt with exertion, heard her owns squeals of pleasure as if from a distance. Felt herself fulfilled beyond any tortured dream of maidenhood. [We understood the fiftieth time you mentioned it.]

At last her body tensed in climax. Still the cock worked her pussy. In and out [shake it all about. Do the hokey-kokey and turn around]. Her fluids, lessening, the cock now tugging her skin and lips with each pull [they should use KY jelly. Or that Durex minty stuff]. When her squeal turned back to pain, the king came a third time [the man's a machine]. No flood as before but more than Elrond had ever filled her with, much more. [Much as I anticipated then. So many redundant details.]

The king flopped his member, now slack again, onto her back and let the last spurts of seed [oh stop it. It's sperm. It's ejaculate. It's semen] squirt up her back in long, hot ribbons [streamers, woo!]. Finally he stepped back away, taking the thrice-piercing sword [if it's a sword, she's kinky and should have died by now] with him.

She stood and felt the seed drip down her back and gush out of her pussy. It ran down her legs. She no longer had energy to gather the mess into her mouth. [Good, because I no longer have the energy for this.]

She ached from mouth to pussy. Bruised, stretched and even torn [ouch], the ache was sharp pleasure.

Numbly she allowed the king’s orcs to guide her to a chamber where she fell fast asleep. [Must be narcoleptic. Least she's not as bad as Enoby in that regard.]

Please do not expect this one to be regular. This just took me about four hours to do and I'm knackered. This one's legendarily bad, dear reader.

Until next time!


Tim Smith said...

I remember this place.

I am glad I have rediscovered it.

Oh my oh me.

That was painful.

Teddy Leach said...

Hello, Tim!

Let's just say it gets worse. Much worse.

SharpFang said...

There are things people were not meant to know...including this story.

Teddy Leach said...

They REALLY weren't meant to know what happens later.

Anonymous said...

...I was innocently trying to eat some tenderloin when I stumbled across this *shudders* Not nearly as painful as 'My Immortal'(for which I am pleased) but disturbing all the same. You however are very amusing. (:

A drive-by blonde said...

I saw a reference to this piece and was looking for a summary or blog commenting or something where I wouldn't be reading the raw fanfic, and I must thank you for the commentary. I still need to scrub my brain, but I'm not trying to pull it out through my nose.

Although I have to actually say the author did have one thing accidentally right (or he got it from porn, because I'm positive it's not first-hand knowledge) - the "down" description for a blonde's pubic hair (female, at least) is probably not unrealistic. As a strawberry blonde, I have pretty much no visible body hair on my arms and legs (too thin and white), a slight down of longer pure white under my arms, and pubic hair is thin and very light colored, and there's very little of it. And I'm not pure blonde.

And I hope that mental image at least helps scrub some of the terrible fanfic from your brain. ;)

Teddy Leach said...

I'd say unintentionally, and almost certainly from porn. I was thinking more like a duckling's down, and more texture-wise. Although, from first-hand experience, yes, it's not a huge stretch from the mark. Just a moderate stretch.

Like everything else, though, it varies from person to person.

Alex said...

I, uh, am rather disturbed. I've heard of Celebrian, of course. Nearly everyone who is acquainted with fanfiction has. I decided to read it to test my endurance (and stomach) and I fear I have made a dreadful mistake. Ah well, no going back now. I suppose it only gets worse and I will go to school tomorrow with a O.o expression permanently fixed upon my face. Excuse while I go pet my poor kitty so I don't die from terror.

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