Monday, 16 May 2011

DC: Hitman: The Hitting Chapt. 6

It's the last chapter, dear reader! I can do this. We can do this. Let's do this.


AN I am really trying to be serious when I write this [Ha. Hahahahaha. Ha.]. Please let me know how I am doing and if the store is good [it depends on the store. Ann Summers is a good store for example and I am not typing this out loud and you saw nothing]. I am going to trying to meet it interesting by using a directory. [C:\Program Files\Badfic.]

Adjacent 47 got back to Las Vegas and sat in his apartment after banking his money [I like to think he was paid in cash and dropped the massive wad of money in front of the cashier]. He was very unhappy because Pinochet was a clone and he was supposed the be the only clone hetman in the world [no, he's not supposed to be the only clone 18th Century Polish Commander in the world]. He was also looked like Franchise clone, so he was a bad guy. [Because the Franchise are evil. Keep up.]
When Diana messaged him on his secret computer [it's called that because it's a secret. Even from him, which makes one wonder how he knows when he has messages] startled telling her about how everything went wrong, so she said. "Whatever 47. This guy sounds stupid, so we can just send out other agnates [o.0] to kill him. We still have a new mission for you." [Still? The mystery of the eternal new mission will indeed never be fathomed.]
Then 47 was in Pairs [I wish I could get around like that] and he started complaining to Diana on the phone. "Diana I hate Paris! Every time I go there they shoot me!" [Let's be fair, he was only there once.]
"They probably won't this time 47 [probably]." Diana said. "Anyway we need you go to Nail Instance company HQ and kill their boss Lewis Nail [I see what he did there]. You our only agent who can do this." [Probably because he's their only agent left. Yes, my memory is that long.]
"But you're already in France!"" [She's sort of not an agent.]
"Shut up 47. I moved somewhere secret." Then Diana hung up. [Diana's turned into a bit of a mean-spirited cow.]
47 put on a football helmet so people wouldn't recognize him [what]. Then he walked away from downtown to factories, where the Nail building was. [While wearing a sharp suit and a football helmet. This is apparently inconspicuous. Then again, they are French.]
In their lobby there were lots of people who wanted jobs because their movies were too normal to make money [there's no money in normal films. Actually, that's fairly accurate]. There was also en elevator to the next floor, but it was guarded.
47 went outside with a guy who was not hired [OK...] and took out a coin. He threw it at the guy and said "create a demonstration and you can have this." [o.0]
"OK [the people in this fic are rather moronic, wouldn't you say, dear reader?]" So the guy took out paints [yes, I read that as 'pants'. Yes, that would have been a silly, if effective, distraction] and began drawing fallacies on the wall [I'm not sure how one can draw a fallacy. I'm not sure you can]. A security guard then came [I see that there is still something in the water in fanfic land], and said he was being bad. [Naughty non-hired person! No cookies for you!]
"This is naughty, but it is not art! It sucks! You must talk to a critic, or you will be locked up [I like to think that's a real law in France, which would automatically make France amazing]!" He ten pointed at Mr. 47. "This weirdo is probably a critic, because he needs helmets to protect from flown bricks [what]. Talk to him!."
47 saw he was getting nowhere, so he had butted and punched both of the people until they were knocked oust [no, I'm not making a joke about Oust. Their lawyers would kill me]. Then he dragged them into a puddle so it loud look like they had an accident and died [death by puddle. It's not as common as you might think, because it's so fucking ridiculous]. Then he took the guards gun pecans it was like the Puncher from Resident Evil and he didn't have on of those. [What is this I don't even.]
It is time for plan 2 said 47, and he through a minor bomb into a window [not a big bomb, only a minor one]. Then he pressed the button to blow it up and while everyone was running around scared he ran into the building again and took the elevator. [I wonder why he can't teleport any mire? I mean, he got to France almost instantly.]
On the next floor, 47 ran past the guards, who started saying things in French that meant 47 was not supposed to be there, but 47 soon distempered [yes] so they forgot about him.
Mr. 47 ran into the office that said it was Mr. Nail's office [a talking office. That has to be a first], but then noticed that Mr. Nail had already died because 47 had thrown the bomb into his office [silly 47]. 47 locked the door so that guards would not find Nail's body and he would still do a silent assassinating.
47 started looking at the files in Nail's exploded safe because he was bored, but then he found something that meant really bad things [I have no idea what just happened, but I know something exploded]. So he took the files and jumped down to the ground shooting his shotgun down so he wouldn't fall as fast. [Don't try that at home. Because you'll probably blow your legs off and spend a very painful time bleeding to death on the floor.]
Then he called Diana and said "Diana! People are malign conspiracies again and we need to stop them!" [Oh NOES!]


There. The fic ends there. Perhaps 47 came to life and killed the writer? We may never know, dear reader. Irregardless, that's another DC completed. I hope you didn't enjoy the fail as much as I didn't enjoy the fail.

Until next time!
Teddy

4 comments:

Coldblade said...

Rumor has it he stopped writing that fic because the developers of Hitman: Absolution hired him to do the game's story.

*cough*

Teddy Leach said...

CB: Oh come on, the plot of the games isn't THAT bad! I'd be more tempted to say that he was hired to do the story for the second movie...

Coldblade said...

No, they are not bad at all. And yes, the movie was pretty bad but I fear for Absolution. They want to make it 'darker'. What?

Teddy Leach said...

Mmm, that is fairly ominous. But I'm just taking it, at the moment, to mean more levels set in brothels. Or something.

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