Saturday, 25 June 2011

DC: Agent 47 vs the third reich Chapt. 1

This one has been suggested by a kindly reader, one... Well, he didn't actually give me his name, but he's a German chap. Greetings to my German readers! I hope my occasional outburst of gratuitous German is not too terrible for you. Incidentally, thank you for sending it in, my dear reader. The fic is summarised very well by the gentlemen who emailed me about it:

As the name of the story suggests, it's about 47 killing Adolf Hitler. Somehow, the author managed to take this stupid premise and turn it into an even worse story full of plot holes and gratitious German sentences. Among other things, 47 buries the corpses of some of his enemies to "make it look like accident". Just check this fic out, it's hard to describe how bad it really is.
Honestly, how could I possibly resist it? Right, let's get cracking! It's only a nice, short fic. Well, not nice, but it will tide me over until I get my teeth into one of the really long and bad ones.

It was sunny day and the sun was shining [really? You should have mentioned it! This is in stark contrast to where I am which is currently overcast and boring] and the birds were singing and everyone was happy [aww, how delightful. It's Pride and Prejudice all over again] and sitting in park but a scary man with a suit and a bald [all scary men must have balds] was walking around and looking for target it was… 47 [the dramatic pauses are clearly inspired by My Immortal. This has better spelling than My Immortal]! He was assignd to kill evul terrorist that wantet do buy biological weapon and guy that selled it [hilariously enough, this could plausibly be a mission in the series]. They were waiting in park and talking about old times and was happy! [Aww... Cute little terrorists and international arms dealers. it's all so adorable.] But didn't knew guy with bald was going to kill him! [Nasty bald man! Also, I do love how the tenses are completely gone askew, but I should be used to that by now.]
"I am here to kill you" said 47 politely [at least he's not being rude about it. One could almost forgive him wanting to kill them] and terorrist said "Good joke skinhead!" [funnily enough, that's my stock response for anything aggressive that chavs ever say to me] because he was asshole [what a butthead, sticking up for himself like that] but it didn't matter because he was shot in head with silenced pistol and so was merchand and then they were dead and their brain was everywhere! [Woo! Hooray for splattered brains! Also, did 47 just kill them both in a public place? Also, when do the Nazis appear? Also, they appear to have shared the same brain, which is icky and strange] But nobody saw it [oh. Just unlike a real park then, where you can't even sneeze without someone noticing. Never mind firing a silenced pistol, which is a lot louder than you might think] and then 47 buried corpses under ground [just like that] so it would look like accident [they accidentally shot themselves in the head and then buried themselves. Didn't you know? It's a very common form of suicide] and he went away to his car.
Inside the car he was called from agency of assasinaton and they called him on mobile phone [yes. Yes we know] and said "Hello 47 how was your assiment [it's like an assignment, but with more bottoms]?" and 47 said "it very good now people dad [whaaaaaat]!" politely [he's very polite in this fic. Bless 'is little cotton socks]. "We have other assignent [this one has less bottoms] but it is very secret and you have to come in preson!" they said and "okay" answered 47. [He's much more obliging than the 47 in THAT OTHER FIC.]
So he drove there really fast [I'm surprised he didn't get pulled over] and drove over inocent bystander but it was okay because he was sovjet spy [she must have been wearing one of those furry hats with a red star sown into it]. Soon 47 was in secret agency bureaeu and said "what is it?" [just randomly? To the air?] and then the women that always talked to him on the phone [Diana] said "we have to sent you back in time so you can kill adolf hitler [what. I. What]!" and then they walked to the time machine and 47 went in and the women said "now you go back in time and kill evil nazi dictator sor world war 2 never happen [actually, it's been theorised that if Hitler hadn't have come to power, someone similar would have at some point. Germany was hit, perhaps, far too hard by the Treaty of Versailles. It created a great deal of resentment in the German populace]!" and 47 was sent back in time to prevent world war! [You go, 47!]

This fic is about as excitable as my puppy. Consequentally, I find it very difficult to get mad at it. It's awful, yes, but I find it far too difficult to get mad at it.

Until next time!


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