Saturday, 25 June 2011

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 9 & 10

I wasn't going to make any posts today, because I've caught a Summer Cold (which apparently exist now) and feel like death on ice. I love Summer. But then I decided to peruse my internal blog information, as I usually do when I've checked everything else, and I discovered that one of my readers, SharpFang, has started her own Dramatic Commentary/sporking/self-flagellation of this... This... This... Yes. A tribute, if you will. You should all give it a butcher's (that is English slang for 'a look'), and I would like to encourage Sharpfang to keep it up, for it is most amusing and excellent! She also has a greater knowledge of the canon than me.

Anyway, on with the... On with the... Forgive me if I can't make myself sound enthusiastic.


[Chapter 9. This one is called "Chaptert Sven Waror serimoy2!" Amazing. I'm not entirely sure why the chapters are this badly messed up. Not the titles (which is to be expected, going by everything else), but the numbers. That way leads to madness. Probably mine.]


STOP REVOFIGN [my experience of reading drunken texts leads me to believe that is meant to say "reviewing". Which would still be grammatically incorrect] BAD! but than u JASZpAW [monkey. Typewriter. Don't tell me you can't see it] for tehh godo revewis uve ben levving [I am sure they were ironic.]
StarPaw skided into de Camp. "FIRSTAR" SHE YOWLED "I ha to tel; uo somesting?" [For added comedy value, read everything that's not in red out loud exactly as it appears on the screen.]
"nut ow StarOaw" [cats say 'meow', not 'oaw'. You're doing it wrong] he sadi "yuve gut to become WARRIOR!' [DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN.]
"MOGOSH REALLY creamed [I bet she did] StarPaw.
YEAH SAID firestar [if he said it then where are the fucking speech marks? I don't even know why I bother pointing it out any more] "Youv been a war for onll 3.14 dayss ["You've been at war for only 3.14 days." Indeed. Wait... Isn't that the beginning of pi?] butt [oh, the amusement] u are the best apent ice in the cAlan [obviously]. Ur perfect [OBVIOUSLY]. We ndd you to help dfeat BlackStar and ShadowclaN [O.B.V.I.O.U.S.L.Y]. And all teh other calns [obvi- Oh, I give up]. Tehy are tyring 2 attack us were in the meddle of a warr. " ["Aye lads, let loose the kittens of war." If anyone know what that references, buy yourself a beer.]
"omgosh WE ARE?" scremmed StarPal she sus so surpissed! [I wish I was surpissed. Or just pissed. I am not pissed enough for this.]
"Ya DustPelt did while U were away in your walk Rivrclan attacked us [surely there'd be evidence of a struggle and surely that would have been commented on when she arrived? Well, a competent writer would have anyway]." Said SandTrom. She locked sortaf sad she New FireStart lovved Stargleam [that's the Sue. Her name's changed. I know it's difficult, but try and keep up]. But it wass ok she newt wht wus best. [And what is best is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.]
"OMGoht" sid StarPaw [yes, her name's changed again. Yes, I know]. "Quickk mack me a warrror!" [Rather impetuous. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.]
"Oak [my wardrobe is made of oak. That has about as much relevance as that utterance]" said Firestar. He wlaked up to StarPaw. "aLL Cats Gather Round Who Are Older To Cach There One Prey!"
"Tday we are making a new Warrior." [As the Viking said to his wife.]
The calnn GASPED! [One of these days I'm going to snap and put a porn film after a sentence where I am informed that everyone gasped.]
"SarkPaw [I'm the sarcy one, thank you. Or possibly he refers to the island of Sark, which has inexplicably grown a paw]! StarPaw!: shouted the clan. They all new infancy it was she whom was beng mad a warrior. [What.]
Starpaw was so exited [your exits are here, here and here. And I can never hear that without thinking of Eurovision and the horror I had to sit through]! She'd never bin so hap inner life!

Very much this
"StarPaw….." said FirePaw. He was simile like shed never sent him simle behfore. [Funnily enough, I've never seen a cat smile either. Probably because they can't 'smile'. Oh wait, what's this?]
The horror.
"Are you ready to become a Warrior in the Name of Starcaln?:"
"Yes!" she shock3d. [Coming soon to a console toy near you: Call of Duty: Mod3rn Warfar3, featuring Threengland. The only way to make a bad, brainless franchise even worse is by doing... That. What they did. I can only hope that Bobby Kotick dies an impoverished man surrounded by original manshooters.]
"oak [oh stop it]." Eh sad [like 'meh'. Meh sad]. "Then by the powers of Starclan [yes. Yes I did misread that as 'Satan'. I'm disappointed, especially given what we'll be subjected to later], I gave you this narme [please, I don't think we could take much more narm]. From now on, you will be none as StarPaw [I... Thought she was already called that?] for your pel which sings like the starss and ur conectin 2 StarClann [Indeed. A badfic where nothing makes sense? Not a badfic for me. Indeed. If you get that, I know which site you came from]. We onner you'r bravvery and" " kindness." [Har har har.]
"SarkPaw! StarPaw! [she not only made that mistake once, but managed to make it twice]: shouted the clan. They [killed each other in an orgy of blood, sex, and violence. The end.]
StarGleam girned [yes, she's called that now]. She wass a Warrior! At least!" [Goody.]
"FireScar," she said, cuming over 2 him [that's a long way to- No, too easy]. "I wanna tell u somesing." They locked sirously at him. [How many are there?]
"yeah wat is it?" he sad, hop shinning in his eayres. [They're like a cross between eyes and ears. He must be a mutant.]
Dos he knew? StarGlema think. [Looks like somebody's borked their formatting.]
"Firestar…." She brethed. She cullednt she was actually dong [hur hur] this after so lung.
"I….."
WINDCLAN ATTAK [isn't that always the way? The bastards]! Shioted a voise from obove the Camp.
It was…. [Oh no, not these again.]
HOLYLEAF!
I workd reall' herd on dis chapter n tired 2 [Yes, dear, it's almost time for your pills. Step away from the typewriter. The scientists will take you back to your cage now to feed you ricecakes and hardtack.]

[Chapter 10, or, "Cahept Seven Katnip." Yes, there are two chapter sevens. Yes, I know.]

I SAID NO FLAMES [yes, but did they listen? Funny, that]! YOUR JUST JELOS YOUR GOING 2 HEL LJESS IS OYUR SAVER [I've never seen 'flamers' threatened with eternal damnation before. I think we should see more of it. Fortunately, I'm impervious as I don't believe is anything.]
"Ohno its HolyLeaf [oh no. Oh the horror. The sheer, unadulterated horror. It's like turning around to see a seven foot tall monster snarling at you with the flesh of everyone you've ever cared about hanging and dripping blood from it's teeth. Pure horror]!" yelled FireStra he ranned away [coward]. SandStrom wnet aftre him.
StarGlaem locked up [HolyLeaf'll have to try turning her off and on again]. HolyLeaf was stnding their and their was anodder chat with hr.
"OMIGOSH [oh stop it] ITS TIGGERSTAR [I used to like Winnie the Pooh, but I was 2 at the time]!" she hossed. "WHTA WIL WE DO!" [Maim. Kill. Burn. Maim. Kill. Burn. I swear I'm not feeling psychotic today. It's my Summer Cold making me pissy.]
"we figt [what the hell is a 'figt'? Other than a fun thing to say phonetically]." saud Jayfeathre and he ran at HollyLeaf. StarGlema washed as HolyLefa locked at JayFather and kiled him with one shot. [Just like that. Even the Song of Ice and Fire series, which routinely kills off just about everyone, puts more detail into important character deaths than that. But that's to be expected. Competent author and all that.]
"YOU KILDED MY FTHER [how very perceptive of you]! she yelled and she attcked HolyLeaf. HollyPaw gut out of the way and StarPaw attaked TiggerSar. [What did Tigger ever do to you?]
"U killed TigerStra!" uelled FiresStar he locked happy. [I think we might have time-travelled. Just like The Doctor. Except not] "You are speshil!" [That spelling of 'special' tells you all you need to know, really.]
StarGleam was sooo happy [your father's a bit dead. Congratulations, you earn the brand new 'casual murder' label!], she didng notse as HollyLea grabbed Firestar and took him way. [She's not very perceptive any more.]
"OH NO" yelled StarKit. "WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM! [Oh, do we have to?]
a cilf hunger1!111! [no. Just no] see im a god riter [...] i no what thta id thx f4r the good revweiws JzzPaw && everon else WHOSE NIT A FALMER [Oh fuck off.]


I think my cold's got worse. Rather like this fic.

Until next time!
Teddy

2 comments:

SharpFang said...

LOL. Thanks for the ad, though.

Teddy Leach said...

SF: No problem, I couldn't not give you one! Good job on yours.

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