Tuesday, 7 June 2011

DC: Broken Pieces Chapt. 4

Oh lordy, dear reader! It's been more than a month since the last time I ripped into this one. I do apologise. I'm currently watching a live-stream of E3, but I'm perfectly happy to wash away the ridiculous Wiiu (WEEOO, WEEOO, WEEOO) from my mind by finishing the last chapter of this particular badfic.

OMG I can't believe I FINALLY have my own desktop now I can write fanfics anytime I want :D (Does happy dance) [Teddy does sad dance.]
Anyway I know it's been awhile to those few ppl who actually read these things I write [I'm one of them. Because I'm fucking insane. You're another, dear reader. But you're probably saner than I] but yeah I'm going to say this right now, IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT I WRITE GO READ A DIFFERENT FANFIC I DO THIS FOR FUN SO IT'S NOT GOING TO BE PERFECT. [Yes, but you're writing something for people to read, and it's going straight into the public domain. So if you don' wish to be mocked like this, it had better be pretty damned close to perfect.]
I say this because one person that reviewed this fic (not gonna say any names) gave a long review pointing out every little problem wrong with my fic and it's one thing to give useful advice and critic (most likely spelled wrong [critique: Yes]) a fic but this person was being flat out mean and not being helpful but what really got my blood boiling was that this person actually called this a Troll fic! [You mean it isn't? I am duly amazed.]
Can you believe it? I get that my fics are all far from good [you've written two and both are horrendous] but that was completely uncalled for, SO I went to this persons page and he/she had absolutely NO fics up and I'm like "your talking but you ain't got nothing up [mayhap said person is a reviewer?]!" Now I know that this person is probably a troll him/herself [har har har] but I can't help but get mad. [Oh, the idiocy of youth.]
But I'm NOT saying don't point some this out that may be bugging you, plz tell me in a review or PM me [actually, I'm perfectly comfortable here, thank you. I'm sure someone will point this out to you at some point. Hopefully when you're a more competent writer] saying what the problem [EVERYTHING] is I will try and fix it to the best of my ability, just make sure you watch how you word it because I may mistake what you are trying to tell me and take it as a bad thing. [Then you ought to work on your maturity.]
Ok I am sorry for the rambling but I HAD to get that out of my system so ON WITH THE FIC! :D
(Cindy POV) [Oh, here we go again.]
It has been about 20 min since the "incident" as Cindy called it [big word for a small child], and whenever she would ask him what the dream was about or what was bothering him, he would always look at her and smile a sugary sweet fake smile and say "what are you talking about" or "nothing is wrong, why?" [That very nearly works. Very nearly.]
And she noticed the moment she would stray more then 1 to 3 feet away he would call her to go back to his side and honestly it was getting on her nerves, she could understand he was being cautious because he was running low on ammo and as she thought this he shot down the fourth nurse thing in a row and she could see one of those strange boxy monsters with four legs coming towards them. [Boxy monsters! Nurse things! Running sentences! Horror! Sheer, liquid horror!]
But even though all the creatures have finally been killed for now [have they now? In the present tense, no less] he still wouldn't let her out of his eye sight [plain 'sight' would also work, considering you do usually see with your eyes and that is the more traditional phrase]. She was lagging [she should upgrade her internet connection] behind just a little, immersed in her thoughts when James brought her back to reality. [That was a brilliant episode of Red Dwarf.]
"Hey Cindy don't get too far behind" He said with another sugary sweet smile [I'm starting to get annoyed with those now]….that was it. [He's going to beat her!]
"JAMES" Cindy yelled now standing right in front him now and very upset [oh. That's the problem with bouncing POV, even when you've specified who's POV it's supposed to be. Fail]. James on the other hand was kind of shocked and surprised at her outburst [she's a child. She's supposed to have outbursts. Not that saying JAMES IN ALL CAPS really counts as an outburst. Because it doesn't]. "What is it Cindy?" James asked with ANOTHER smile [I like to think it's a slasher smile]. She opened her mouth to say something when she realized she didn't know that to say. ["Bogies!" Oh god, kill me.]
James just smirked this time [I want to punch him more and more with every line] and was about to walk past her when she looked up at him with an unknown look in her eyes, "James what was that dream about?" Cindy asked tired of beating around the bush. [Except she's asked him before, so she can't be beating around the bush in the slightest.]
James froze, smirk still plastered on his face [kill him, kill him, kill him], looked down at her and said the same thing he has been saying "it was nothing" and by that point she was tired of his lies "James no dream [James no dream. No woman no cry. I can't think of any more] makes you pull a gun on yourself [tell that to the people who take PCP]" she started, James stayed silent so she continued [oh, I do detest running sentences. If I could call them sentences] "and if all that happened it's not just nothing" she concluded. [Wow, long conclusion.]
Cindy looked up at his face and to her shock he STILL had that smirk on his face [maybe he's a robot], and now she was starting to get scared then he repeated himself "It. Was. NOTHING" [THIS. IS. SPARTA] putting more emphasis on each word [he then kicked her down a well. There was much rejoicing]. He then proceeded to grab her hand and walked down the street basically dragging Cindy while she struggled to get her footing. [Well, she would be if he was dragging her.]
"James stop, that hurts" Cindy cried trying in vain to unhook his iron grip. He either didn't hear her or didn't care [probably the latter, rather like me]. Finally she screamed his name and that seemed to get through to him and he immediately let go and got on his knees [I can't be arsed complaining about the running sentences any more], "Cindy I'm very sorry" James said but it was too late Cindy was already starting to back up [obviously, she's afraid of viruses deleting her work]. "Cindy what are you…CINDY!" James screamed as she sprinted off into the mist. [She never came back. The end.]
Cindy Ran [Atlas Shrugged. Jesus Wept. Teddy Snarked] and ran vaguely hearing his pleas to stop but she didn't, she ran until her legs gave out and she then realized she heard nothing but the sound of her own breathing and the waves of the lake…wait lake? [Wait. What? I lost track of EVERYTHING through that bloody 'sentence'.]
Cindy quickly looked around and realized she ran all the way from what she thought was the middle of town to the lake [well, at least the writer remembers that there's a lake]. When she felt rested enough [from this, we can gather that she rested] she started to investigate the area next to a nearby bench there was these nasty health drinks [honestly, they're everywhere. Maybe they're Activia drinks] that James made her take after she was cut by those nurses then kicked in the chest by the boxy leg monsters. [Such. Amazing. Description. I haven't a clue what the fuck you're on about.]
She smirked at the thought, James had made such a fuss about it that he insisted she take one and though she would not admit it the nasty bitter liquid did make her feel better and the cut was virtually nonexistent after about twenty min. [They're magical, obviously.]
After her trip down memory lane was finished the truth hit her like a ton of bricks [hopefully literally], she ran from James [despite not knowing where he is], her only protection in this town, and because of what? One little mistake was all it took for her to be scared of him! And she honestly felt horrible because of it, the dream was obviously very personal, she should have left it alone [yes. Fool girl. I wonder if anyone will get that reference]. But as she was thinking of how she should go look for him something in the corner of eye caught her attention, it was a dark figure that seemed to be watching her from the top of the building that she was standing next to, but when she looked up to get a better look it pulled away out of her vision. [Someone's been playing Condemned. Possibly.]
By that point she was deathly scared, she suddenly felt like she was being watched from everywhere so she started to run again near the railing of the lake [to near the railing? Is the near the railing? So many questions arise from bad grammar], she ran but felt that thing continue to stare at her [it's obviously Garry Glitter. Ooh, satire] as if it were just behind her finally after much running she came to what looked like a motel on the lake. [Hooray, another actual location!]
She didn't waste time she ran to the nearest door which was of course like every other door in Silent Hill locked [funny, as you never mentioned locked doors before. It's as if the writer suddenly remembered that almost every door in the series is locked or jammed] and so she tried the next one, and the next on and the next one, until finally she found an open door [there's a lot of doors into the hotel, apparently] and just as she got in the room and turned around to close and lock the door she finally realized just how close the creature truly was, it was standing right behind her the whole time she was running. [So... It can phase? Considering it was standing just behind her the whole time, apparently not doing anything.]
And she finally got the door closed and locked when a grotesque hand broke right through the door and she screamed. [Oh noes!]
Well you gotta love cliffhangers right [24 does it better. Game of Thrones does it better. Everything does it better]? :3 [oh, I hate that face, especially when used by a male] Ok so I actually worked really hard on this chapter [that's almost funny], also I decided to try in delve into James messed up psyche tell me how I did [badly, considering that he's got a good grip on his mind. Also, if you're going to have elements like that, you need to plan ahead and have the beginnings of it already clear. Otherwise it looks clumsy, rather like this]. Also I was kind of scared I made Cindy a Mary Sue (vomits) [too late for fear and vomit now, it's happened] so I took not one but TWO tests to see if my OC is a you know what and guess what they both said she WASN'T :D [har har har. I'm sure. Bullshit label! It's been a while since we've had one of those] Nobody knows just how happy that made me (does happy dance x2) [Teddy does angry dance. Than murder dance] And yeah I know for a fact NOBODY looks at my bio [my attack on chapter 3 proves you wrong] so I'm going to say this right now I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A SILENT HILL GAME BEFORE [yes, that's painfully obvious. Do you know, I remember when I found them scary] so I am not to in depth on the whole story but I know all the basic knowledge plus an extra thing or two, so I don't know the whole layout of the town so yeah. PLZ REVIEW JUST ONE IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR RIGHT? [Yes. Bugger off.]

And lo, he did bugger off! Indeed, there are no more chapters to this mess on the internet. Thank christ. That was thoroughly unpleasant. Rather like using an eel for a loufah. He does have another badfic under his belt, which I may do at a later date. For now, dear reader, it's back to E3. WEEOO.

Until next time!


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