Wednesday, 22 June 2011

DC: StarKis Prophecy Chapt. 7 & 8

I am taking things slowly for a few days, dear reader, as I am practically having a stress baby and am on the verge of stabbing out my left eye to stop it twitching. However, I will persevere and tackle another two 'chapters' of this particular badfic. I'm starting to believe that this is the result of a scientific experiment carried out using a million monkeys and a million typewriters.


[Chapter 5. This one goes by the 'name' of "Cahpter Fivee BaclkStar Attak 11 1 11". I am still not making this up.]


UR OLL JUST SAINTS [thank you, dear] y cant u just except jEsuss [I think that's supposed to say 'Jesus'. Jesus] it wold mae ur life so much mor engoyable [I'm sure joining a death cult would make your life much more enjoyable and am I typing this out loud?] u would never haf to worr/ again [You're going to roast in the pits for an eternity for writing this rubbish. I think that was supposed to be an Author's Note.]
StarPaw sad [Teddy sad too. Sadface] "I..i….." ["Paul, I... I... I thought you were a GEP Gun"] she was so foncusded [that should totally be a word, meaning utter and total confusion]! Thes to cats hard asked her to b there mates an wht was she supops to do [I don't know because I don't really know what's going on. I know what's supposed to be going on, but I don't know what's actually going on]? They we beoth handsome and althing, but bot had matss [indeed]! Nhd she luvved them both [aww, how sickeningly heartwarming and I might be going insane]! FirstAr wus so kind and he oviusly likked her allot [you shouldn't lick people you're not in a relationship with. Bloody promiscuous cats]. GayStirpe was so funny and col. [With a name like 'GayStirpe', he could be nothing but funny and col.]
"!" said StarPaw [I've always wondered how one can say an exclamation mark] ass [hur hur] she ruan in to the forest. It wus to muck# she culdnt choss! [Choss? Coss? Toss? It was too mucky so she couldn't toss?]
She run and ran and run til ur paws her hurtinged [incidentally, I took Jasper out for his first walk yesterday. I took him for another walk today and he's got a blister on one of his paws from it. I think I'll blame this writer]. Hen she rrellized she corsed the broader. Oih no she thugh Shadowclan will get me [I wouldn't worry, they seem like fairly ineffectual villains]. "wut are you ding here?" sd BalkStar [lovely name. It evokes images of a cat vomiting stars] s he waked up.
"I'm sorry!" mewoed StarKit I didn't men too!' [I'm trying to make a joke out of that, but it's too painful.]
That's ok" sed blackStar. "no wons perfeck.""no that's not true." Said StarPaw [indeed, she is perfect because she's a Mary Sue], offed. "StarClan is.""Waht do you mena?" wemed BlackStar. [This fic has to be written by monkeys. Come on.]
"well the give us all this halpand stuff [halpand stuff is amazing. Whatever it is]" said Starpaw. "without them we wold be lust [oo-er]." She said.
"I gess that's ter " balkcStar said, "besid I didn't relly mean that neway.
"o really why?" said starpaw. "becus yo are." [Oh, I saw that one coming.]
'WHAT' YOWLED sTarpaw jumping away BlackkStarTried to nugle her. "WHAT ARE O TRIG TO DO MOLE STRAEP ME?1?" [What is this I don't even.]
"e—" BlakStar started too expaln, but, StarPw wass to quick
"no" she Sid "I don't doned another tom after me!" "I got enog porbelms arigt now anywy! [Fic is losing me. Again.]
"but yor pahfect." Said Blackstar. "you betted me in badle you HAVE TO BE " [I'm pretty sure all she did was paw him ineffectually.]
"NO!" shitted SarPaw Again runnin into the forst. Ters ralled down her checks she was cyring. 'its too much" sahe though. "Starcalnb help me….!"

[Chapter 8. This one is called "Chaetpr Six JayFeather Tels a stroy1". Honestly.]


STUP GLAMING [glaming? Gaming? Flaming?]!11! IF YOU'R AN FLAM,E YOUR A STNITS AND WIL BUN IN HEIKL! [Wow.]
LASTEST TIEM ON STARKITS PROPEHY:; [Oh no.]
"NO!" shitted [hur hur. Very apropos] SarPaw Again runnin into the forst. Ters ralled down her checks [cats don't cry like that] she was cyring. 'its too much" sahe though. "Starcalnb help me….!"
Afert tat [this fic is tat] StrPaw walkde thru the frost [for no discernible reason, it is now winter]. She wus so depresedded! Hu was seh sapost to pik?/?/ Then she saw JayFethre [oh god another one] cumin [sister of thyme] thru the forst tords her.
"JayFeathr im soooo confusedd [you're not the only one] wat do i do she yelled their are three toms atref me! TREEE!"! [No, three.]
i know" sed jayFethr he locked happy. "thats good four you it menzz that p[eo[le [that's amazing] like uo. he told he smilling.
"NO NUT I LUV ALL OF THEM" sed StarPaw back waling upst. "I DON'T KNO WHO TO [ICK!1!1" [I'm pretty sure she's talking about licking them. Must be a cat thing.]
"wel ten let me tel yo a stor.y [Jackanory, Jackanory] said JayFeathern and he sat don. Onceu pon a tiem there were afew cats that I licked." [What. That's not the kind of story I had in mind.]
"hu where they sad StarPaw snifing.
"theyre names were DawnSpark;e and... Stick/ saud JayFeather. [What. I. What.]
"OMG STICK wispred StarPaw "YOU WHERE IN LUV WITH A STICK [we've all been there. Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?]? She culdnt belief it. After al this tim she finds out that her fathe loved a sTICK. SHE GAPD IN SHOC. [I bet she did.]
"Wat did you do? she esked thoug cuase she was crios.
Wel I culdn have kids with a stcik now culd i [I never wanted that mental image. Now you have it too, dear reader. I am so sorry]?" said JayPaw and he locked confuded. LIKE HE DIDN;T EVN KNO SHE WAS GNNA ASK THt qestn. [Yup, perfectly normal, falling in love with a stick.]
"sO YOU WENT WITH DAWNSPARKLE INSTD! YELLED STARpaw locking vry happi ["I couldn't have children with a stick, so I slept with your mother instead."]. "but that doesn;t help me what am I spost to do?/? [Something with sticks.]
"Folo youre hart said Jayfeahr. "Who do yo want to be wit/"
Hmm StarPaw taught for a secund. FireStar!" she yelldd and then run of to tel him that she ;oved him [Delightful.]
NO FLAMSE!1!12!1 [Haha. Ha. Ha. No.]


Dear reader, I need a drink.

Until next time!
Teddy

2 comments:

SharpFang said...

Firestar's actually supposed to be Starkit's great-grandfather.

Teddy Leach said...

SF: Oh, that's completely thrown everything. Now I GENUINELY don't have a clue what's going on.

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