Wednesday, 8 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 2

Ugh... I've still got a bad taste in my mouth from the first chapter, that can't be good. Oh, believe me dear reader, it gets far worse as it drags on. Rather like that tram crash on Corrie by all accounts. In fact, while I'm on the subject, how unlucky are the people that live there? How many disasters have they had now? I've completely lost count. Anyway, back to the fail-fest that is My Immortal.

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! [You needed help with the chapters? I'd weep for humanity if my tear ducts hadn't shrivelled up and died weeks ago after reading crap like this] BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! [They were quick to start flaming. Can't say I blame them]


The next day I woke up in my bedroom [where did you expect to wake up?]. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had [surely that's not fresh? It's probably congealed and gone manky. You dirty girl!]. My coffin was black ebony [I'll not make that joke again] and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends [not black or purple? You disappoint me, Enoby! And no, I did not spell that wrong]. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress [read that again. A leather dress. That sounds slightly painful. Don't get me wrong, I wear leather, but even so. A leather dress], a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on [you slut]. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears [I'm surprised her ears have any use left], and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! [it's clear Enoby is a Mary-Sue, but what's the term for a friend of the author? Bah, I forget, but it's deeply sad all the same]) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots [there's more sluts in this story than any of London's red light districts]. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly [they talk using text-speak? I feel ill].

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” [oh please, how old are you two? 12? I should hope not, dressed like that] she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted [yes you so fucking do. Oh, the contrived plot!].

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me [how bollock-flinchingly convenient].

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily [you flirt. You can not say something 'flirtily' (which isn't even a word, I might add). You can say something with a suggestive tone, but not say something 'flirtily', especially 'hi'. Don't worry though, as this thing of Tara's carries on until the end of the fic].

“Guess what.” he said [it needs a question mark to make it a question. This sounds sarcastic].

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me [how do they even know the fucking place exists?! And why are they playing there?!].

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed [you know, screaming something. Like. This would sound really stunted and be awkward to do]. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR [Convenience, my friend! How have you been since a few lines ago?].

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped [oh come on, the plot was so set-up that way! I've never seen writing this bad, I really haven't].

Great, now I feel ill again.

Until the next 'exciting' chapter!


Sabertooth Screaming Lemur said...

I believe the correct word is 'flirtatiously'. And it's *possible* to say 'Hi' in such a manner, but you'd have to really work at it. Of course, later chapters have her do things like 'scream sexily', so disregard this as it's pointless. Pardon me, I need to go smoke some drain cleaner.

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