Monday, 13 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 1

Good god, I'm going to have to find a way of shortening that title. I'll let TV Tropes speak for this one, because My Immortal has sapped my energy. But DON'T CLICK THE LINKS! Seriously, you can lose days on that site.

"Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation Of Edward Cullen—note the spelling mistakes in the title—is a Twilight fanfic written by one 'BeckyMac666', who is widely believed to be Tara in disguise. It's the story of Atlantiana Rebekah Loren, commonly called "Tiana" or "Tiaa", who moves to Forks, Washington, to live with her new foster parents. Tiana is antisocial and psychologically damaged due to a traumatic childhood, which doesn't help when added to her beauty and her first day of school, when she meets Edward "Ewdard" Cullen, who believes she is a vampire. It just goes downhill from there."

It's also got it's own drinking game! Which is always nice, as if anything can make terrible fanfics more bearable, it's lots and lots of booze. It's got longer chapters than My Immortal and also has superior spelling. Ish. Without further ado, let's begin.


AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! [I don't want to know what the old one looked like] btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin [I know several dyslexics, and they manage perfectly OK] hard but its meant2 be unformal ok [I really wish a law would be passed that makes it a requirement that all storytelling be formal]! no critisism pls [it's shit. OOPS]! tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud [yup, I'm just gonna ignore that. The Twilight fandom makes me feel ill]!) x x x x x x x love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx
UPDATE: I have a proofreader [blatant lies are blatant lies] and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.
Chapter 1 - Altantiana
Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa [I'm not surprised. What kind of a name is that anyway?]). I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington! My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. My eyes are deep forgetminot [it's not one word] blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight [I quite like that phrase actually]. I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY [because HORNY must be spelled in all caps] guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird! [well, an old guy trying to make out with a 16 year-old is pretty sick, so +1 for effort])but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story [naturally, because we all know how stereotypically girls bitch about each other]. They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal [teenagers say you're ethereal?! I'd have thought that hardly any of them even know what it means] and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways [irony!], I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE [o.0]! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same! [please don't hijack my mind, thank you])
Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs [it's a well known fact that most girls are very modest about their chesticles. It is a well known fact that pre-pubescent boys are obsessed with enormous tits. I, therefore, must conclude that the writer may be a pre-pubescent boy. Which puts an unfortunate spun on the rest of this epic tale] that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me [amazing how people change]! I have a lip ring [yuck] and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair [pale blonde hair's rare enough as it is, but you just HAD to ruin it, didn't you?]. I smell like mint and cinnamon [in all my many years of reading, I've never known the protagonist to describe what he or she usually smells like]. I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music [she's a goth, isn't she? Fucking hell, not another one!]!
It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. They are nice and all very hole some [an unfortunate space, there] sweet people but it is not like having a real family. I've been hurt to many times to let people close [I'll bet we all know who ends up getting close to her] to me and I don't talk to them very much. My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him [he lives in a pineapple under the sea. You'll get to meet him when Tony Soprano kills you and throws your weighted corpse overboard. There, I've managed two crossovers. I wonder how many the author makes?]. Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me [feel teh reag] as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it [what is it with goths and dressing like sluts? Although Tiana dresses kinkier than Enoby. Can you say dominatrix? I sure can!]. I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me. I was used to it and I paid no at-tension [a real dyslexic wouldn't make that mistake. You fail, miss] to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys! [I'll be honest, that made me smile. At least she's discerning. Well, ish]) and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak [I'd have reacted more aggressively, so +1 for restraint]! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore [there again...]! My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept [do goths normally do that? Also, the spelling mistakes are starting to be painful],.
My ears are pierced four times [deja vu!], I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder [I've never understood why people get tats. I find them disgusting. Bah, personal taste], and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life. Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this [yup], well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl [oh god...]. I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept [it was going so well! But now... Now we know we are dealing with another Mary Sue]!
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes [they're burning your eyelashes? You should see a doctor] and my slim thighs curled under me. It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT [is he 'hawt', by any chance?] dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him [and every Twilight fangirl thinks the same. I don't see it myself, but that might be something to do with being a straight man who prefers traditional vampire tales]. I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where [it's probably in your dreams, dear. I'm afraid the art of subtle storytelling is lost to this writer too. In fact, she may be Tara, god forbid she's still alive] and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt [he's 'hawt'? Funny, you didn't mention it]! A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant [I find this description of Bella pretty funny. At least this writer can make me laugh] so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though [while most of her human peers in the canon say she's pretty plain. A refreshing change, I suppose. At the same time, I honestly couldn't care less]. I figured I was maybe prettier then her [naturally. She's a Mary Sue for chrissakes!]. I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low [true dat. +1 for being decent]. So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs [do they make your hair fall out?] in the locker room while no one was there. As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly [and now she can only be opened with the proper key]. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class [didn't you feel anything? Because you're supposed to]. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!
[It was Jack Bauer. He was not amused.]
"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems [if you had anger problems, you'd say 'fuck' and probably throw 'cunt' in there somewhere])
"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady [he's not from the 19th century you know]"
It was the hawt pale guy! [No shit!]


Ugh, now I feel as if my IQ's been drained. But it gets worse, dear reader, far worse.

Until next time!
Teddy

2 comments:

Brandi Hayes said...

My friend's reading this. She's a Harry potter fan. She sympathizes with you completely (lmao).

hetaliapairings said...

Thank you for bringing some sanity to this idiotic fanfiction!

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