Tuesday, 21 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 19, 20, 21, & 22

Oh yeah, 4-chapter special today, dear reader! Frankly because chapter 22's so short it's feel pointless giving it it's own post. Why not just do three and put chapter 22 with 23 and 24? Because of the cutoff at the end here http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm, which is the site I'm getting the chapters from, seeing as it's been deleted several times from Fanfiction.net. Anyway, let's get cracking!


Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise [Isn't that a song by one of her terrible bands? Wait... I forgot that I don't give a fuck.]

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok [I doubt even a chimp would be jealous of this]!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 [The last few 'sentences' make very little sense.]

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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore [from the sheer amount of anger here and towards the end of the previous chapter, we can see that 'goffs' are very easy to piss off and will take everything badly]. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert [haven't we been to this twice already? It was hijacked by Voldemort's band, remember?]. It had been postphoned, so we could all go. [I actually think the plot's getting worse. As is the chronology.]
Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive. [This writing is starting to grate at my soul. Also, it's not good to introduce something and then turn it into a plot point in the next few lines.]

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). [Straight men apparently have no emotions. We are all terminators. I understand why you cry, but it's something I can never do.]

“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his black hare [I'll have to stop making jokes about large rabbits] went in his big blue eyes [I thought he had red eyes? Or were those contacts? Agh,  I don't even care anymore] like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing [..] black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik [what did I fucking say? Right... *Teddy goes off and brutally beats his neighbors to death* That feels much better]) I was wearing [Tara does not believe in leaving things to the imagination. Well, not trivial things anyway] a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) [Or Google it.]

“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled. [He didn't accuse you of anything?]
“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.

“You fucking bastard!” I moaned. [Here she goes again with the overreactions.]
“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted. [What does it look like? I don't get it anymore!]

But it was to late. I knew what I herd [I herd u liek mudkipz?]. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped [flagellation is bad] and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video [I'll never understand the concept of a Best Friend Forever. It seems to be very much a phenomena of teenage girls]!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. [Drugs: you're doing them wrong.]
Suddenly Hargrid came [there's still something in the water]. He had appearated. [According to my inbuilt firefox spellchecker, that's a real word. I don't believe it, especially because it always wants me to spell 'realise' with a 'z', which is wrong in England. And this is apparently an English-English spellchecker. Bah!]

“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot [clumsy. Did it smash?]. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in da gurl’s room?” ["Iz purving lol."]
Only it wasn’t just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco [yeah, you want it to be someone you barely know rather than your boyfriend. That's not slutty at all] but it was Dumblydore.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse [he's a 'poser'. We get it]. “What are u wearing to the concert?”

“U no who MCR r!” I gasped. [That's no achievement. But if this is set in the canon (a long shot, I know) time, this is the late 90's. That being the case, that would be some achievement.]

“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2.” He said. “Anyway Draco has a surprise for u.” [Is it sex? It usually is.]
Chapter 20.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink [you blatantly do]! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz [bullshit] so dnot expect updatz.

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All day I wondered what the surprise was [it's probably sex]. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one [and the one before that. I'm glad she remembered though]. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.

“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! “R u gonna cum rape me [cum-raping sounds... Sticky] or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. [They're not. But if they were, why are they still allowed to teach? If a teacher is caught perving on a student, said teacher is supposed to be banned from teaching.]
“No, actshelly (geddit, hell [oh shut up]) kan I plz burrow sum condemns [o.0].” he growld angrily. [Yeah, growl angrily at someone when asking for something, that's a sure-fire way to get what you want.]

“Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally. [He's not a FUCKING PEDO! Typing in caps as if I was shouting made me feel slightly better.]

“Fuker.” He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 [o.0 I don't think this fic could get any crazier. Remember what I said before about seemingly every main character being bisexual? Yeah, we've got another two now.]

“Oh my god you ludacris [I'm still resisting making a joke about Ludacris] idiot!” they both shooted angrily [hur hur] when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it [oh lord]) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) [Snake, what happened? Snake? Snaaaaaaaaaaaake?!]

“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) [Your mother must be so proud.]

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Lumpkin shouted angrily.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed. [She said it several times.]

“You dimwit!.” Snake began 2 shoot angrily [they've been drinking too much of that water]. And then………I took out my black camera [she just happens to be carrying one] and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything. [No shit?]
“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound [sounds painful] at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot. [Even though she's got a boyfriend. It doesn't seem to make any difference to her.]
“WTF where’d Draco?” I asked him.

“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum [hur hur].” Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me [well, they were going to before...]? 2 the concert [oh]?”

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car [obviously]. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it [clichés!]. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it. [More clichés!]
……….I gasped. [It'd be easier to gasp before describing what it is you're seeing.]
We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Vampire and I began 2 make out [cheating slut], moshing to the muzik [her spelling's getting even worse]. I gapsed, looking at da band. [I wish she'd stop gasping, this is starting to sound like a bad porno.]

I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing ‘Helena’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. [She doesn't seem to know why he's upset. It's highly annoying. It's convenient he was there, is it not?]
Chapter 21.

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help [she's just not very good at this]. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! [Dracula was not filmed in Transylvania.]

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Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. “Draco are u okay?” [obviously not] I asked in a gothic voice.

“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way [how does one run suicidally?]. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. [It doesn't matter, he'll come back to life if he does, just like last time.]
“Its ok Enoby.” said Vampire comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.”

“U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily [but it obviously doesn't matter if you make out with Harry... Argh]. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came [they really need to do something about what's in the water] too.

“Draco please come!” he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) [Is anyone a homophone?]
And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke [sounds like an awesome drink]. We both gut under it [must be a big can]. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand. [Filch uses a lantern, not a torch. And why has his name changed to Mr. Norris?]

“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come [oh dear...]. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. [In case you don't know what's going on, dear reader (and you won't be the only one), she's got Filch and Mrs. Norris (I believe her name is) mixed up, and it's all getting a bit silly.]
“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled Mr. Norris.

“No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Vampire said under his breast [o.0] in a disgusted way. [It's rather like "Are you awake?" "No."]

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. “Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!” he asked. Filth nodded. And then……………………….Vampir frenched me [not again]! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 [Oh noes!]
“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school. [They seem to do that a lot, don't you think?]
“Draco!” I cried. “R u okay?”

“I guess though.” Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other [forgiveness doesn't work like that]. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin [not really, no]) on the gothic red bed together [red gothic beds don't play films]. As I wuz about 2 put in the video [I forget when this was written, but at least we didn't have DVD's when this is meant to be set, so kudos for that], my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug [oh, the name gets worse, dear reader] and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 [The entire Ministry?]
Chapter 22.

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris [if you know, then why did you write it? Also, it isn't 'Mr. Noris' anyway] itz raven’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1

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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic [notice how the name keeps changing?]. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas [leather. Pajamas. I shit thee not]. Then I gasped. [Again.]
Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! [Mary Sues have the ability to summon their followers without even realising it.]

I opened my crimson eyes [you knew they were there before you opened your eyes?]. Willow [notice how she came back from the dead with not so much as a comment?] was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden [we know what Harry and Draco are supposed to look like in this badfic, there's no need to reiterate it]. B’loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage [heh...] with a white apron that said ‘bich’ and other swear words ['bich' isn't a swear] and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny ["Awww, what did they do, Jackie? What did they do to Jenny?"]) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire [this is becoming a cliché]. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor [so is this]. He had raped them and stuff before too [naturally. And they're not supposed to be brothers, you know]. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. [Which is dedicated to the worship of the Great Stan.]

“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are u all here?”

["To advance the plot" they said.]

“Enoby something is really fucked up.” Draco said. [Finally someone's noticed.]

“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Draco said in a sexy voice.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective [hur hur].”

“I will I will.” he said.

So I just put on [ಠ_ಠ] some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came [I'm sorry, there's no way that could mean anything else in the context it is used]. We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her [charming]. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged [it still gets worse. And why has he had a gender change?] was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”

“THE BARK LORD [woof] IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.

“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER [fortunate, then, that he is not a 'principal']!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS [o.0] IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!” [STOP FUCKING SHOUTING!]

“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is……………… [dramatic pause]…………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.” [Of course. Told you she was a Mary Sue, as if you needed any further vindication.]
Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B’loody Mary looked at each other………I gasped. [Again, I do wish she'd stop doing that.]


Great, now my mind hurts again. Never mind, only around 20 more chapters to go, dear reader. It's not as much as it sounds. Not for you anyway, because I'm the one that's trying to read it properly! Deary me...

Until next time!
Teddy

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

"I came" "he didn't cum" "they both came" *facepalm* she really self-inflicts, doesn't she?

Teddy Leach said...

She does. It takes genuine effort to cram so much fail into so few words.

Jime Kame said...

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