DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 5

I bought myself an absolutely lovely shirt today. I'll probably be buried in it. But what better way to celebrate such shirt-craftsmanship than do another chapter of the hideous Twilight mess? I can actually think of several things, chief among them getting drunk and laughing at things that aren't funny. I'd best do the DC before I start doing that.

AN - can i have some reveiws pls?  [Yes you can, dear! It's... Well, it's a bit shit. If you're going to do a Twilight fic, why not take the bloody thing out of America and deal with vampires in the rest of the world? That's the friendliest criticism I can give, and even if you did that, it'd still be shit. Frankly, your writing and characterization sucks donkey-balls. Also, I've just got me some whiskey (I'll really need to start drinking something else) and some lovely spare ribs. So I'm all set!]

Chapter 5 - the talent contest [I can tell already that I'm going to enjoy this. Also, I'm a liar.]

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside [you should have come to me, I could kill you in 5 seconds flat]. My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind [I actually like that line, so credit where it's due. We'll not get much of that in this fic]. the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair [I'm not surprised] and saying i was too slim [I like girls with curves, but that's still not a good criticism. Surely they could come up with something more creative?] and that i had boobs like a pron star [how would they know? Actually, that's obvious]. It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me [fo' shizzle] loads of times last week and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened [I fail to see why she hasn't run away. Or told her adopted parents. Idiot]. Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him [to what?] and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass [fair enough, he is]. I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds [awww] abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders [she makes it sound like a duel between good and evil. I think she believes it is] - i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard [I wish she would, instead of complaining to us about it] but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways. I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me [Plot drop!]

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard [I could almost hear that coming], no joke!" shouted abbigaile

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person" [EVERY Mary Sue says that. Compelling proof, dear reader]

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!" [Well, it doesn't take that much effort to dance]

"I dunno maybe" I plimpled mutely [I've no idea about that dialog tag. I've no idea about anything about it. It's just... yeah] but I had no intension of actually doin it.

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome [like I say, dancing isn't difficult. Doing it in sync is though], they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked. At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me [I'll never understand her mind. If this is the mind of the average woman (which it fortunately isn't) I weep for humanity]. they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream.

The principal caked up [heh...] on the stage and said

"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed [I'm actually expecting someone to do this to me at some point. They'd do it just to see the look of utter murder on my face.]

"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

I sang total eclipse of the heart [I'd have sung 'Diamonds and Rust' by Joan Baez, but that's just me. I don't mind 'Total Eclipse of the Heart, actually] (punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin [it's not 'lame' anyway]!0 and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic. I was waering [OH GOD! I've had enough of dress-sequences] a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels [do I need to say it? I'm sure you know my opinion by now, dear reader]. the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled [o.0] at me and i went blushing to sit on my freinds

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling [I'd've said that, only my language would have been much more blue]

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!" [Was it Ewdard?]

"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN [obviously]! " the principal screamed extatically. I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao [I long for simpler times. When these terms did not exist]. My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly [o.0] at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt [oh bloody hell!] and gorgeous. I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection [then someone else would have noticed. They're not THAT easy to hide, you know] it was so hawt and sexoy [you keep using those words. It's pissing me off]. I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. It was ewdard! [This all sounds very familiar...]

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" [he still hasn't got the hang of language. Anne Rice's Lestat picked modern language up well, why can't he?!] he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech [very old fashioned]. I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite [I've no idea what she's talking about. It could be the whiskey, but I doubt it.]

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight [okay... I do like that phrase, but it's got nothing to do with sound]. You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church. i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt. [Marvelous.]

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest" [You should comfort your girlfriend. My characters are generally ruthless and uncaring, but they look after their partners. Bah, I don't understand Ewdard at all.]

"how mature" I said sacastically [you don't need to specify your tone. We can tell from the line you uttered, and the context in which it was used]. At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face [I'll never understand Tiana either.]

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!#" I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! Watt the hell is wong with u [I second that]? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist [I second that as well]! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

"its complecated [it's quite black and white to me, but I'll wait and see how this develops] tiaa my lady. Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!" [Fucking hell... There's so many problems with that utterance that I won't even begin. I'm sure you can spot them all anyway, dear reader.]

"its me or her "i said bluntly [We can TELL it's blunt!]

"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept [I do wish she'd use two sets of speech marks for speech. It's getting tiresome.]

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?" [What does that have to do with anything? Actually, it's probably got everything to do with everything, so never mind.]

"my mom dies when I was bored [o.0], I never new my father. Thats it." i said

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked [If he asked, it needs a question mark.]

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk [argh] ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection [sounds pointy] and deadly cold body. i cut myself [taking a leaf out of My Immortal, I see] and went to sleep in tears.


Do I need to say Tiana is a vampire, dear reader? Lord knows how she's still alive considering she doesn't drink blood. Bah. Also, I'm out of whiskey and ribs. Double bah.

Until next time!
Teddy