Monday, 27 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 8

It's the last chapter! Yeah, the writer just stops after this one. Thank god. Maybe she was murdered by a fan or something. Anyway, let's get this shitty fic out of the way.


hey guys sory its been so long since an update, i hav been so busy latley. sooooo..i had a fight with my old beta but i have a new 1 now an she is helpin me byut she is on vacaton this wk and next so i promise i will sort the spellin mistaks out wen i can! [You broke your promise. You're rubbish. That is all.]
Chapter 8 - the Kidnap
I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked [umm... Why? Has she gone nudist?] and looked awsome with my exotic lithely [I thought she was going to say 'exotic lingerie'. I am now disappointed] hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it. but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more [I'd say you're not either]. Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself [show, don't tell. Don't just jump ahead in time like that] and i was SO mad. how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? I was pissed [reading this makes me want to get pissed. What is Ewdard's problem? He's still making no sense]! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe. So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties [I've never seen leather panties (ugh, I hate that twee word). Do they even exist outside of brothels?] and i smoked some drugs and started to weep.
dave came in and made a big smiley face. [ :-) ]
"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick) [How is it possible to be so idiotic?]
"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.
"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL [WHAT?!]!" he said laughing a lot, and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff [to be fair, it pretty much is. So there]. he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses. [You teenagers and your problems.]
"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" i shouted at him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT (i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!)
"haha, i guess your right [didn't he notice an ASHTRAY JUST GOT HURLED AT HIS HEAD?! He is truly an idiot]" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin) "its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty [here we go...]. i swear your even prettier than before [here we still go...]! and i think your boobs hav grown!" [That's a lovely thing to notice about your adopted daughter.]
"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said. [Bra sizes mean little to me. To me, there is just 'too small', 'nice', and 'too big'.]
Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left. [I do that to my dogs.]
I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) and went out to the local nightclub [if you're trying to prove your maturity, you're doing it wrong. Very wrong] which was called Pablo NIghtmare - it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks [let me guess, you think goths are cool? Deja vu]. bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL! i met snoofles on the way [I still don't know why there's a panda in the story. Or what he's doing here] and he came with me. we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music [I could make a comment about actual goths, but I really can't be arsed]. ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda [yeah, a panda in a nightclub. OF COURSE PEOPLE WILL STARE!], but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere. [If you were drunk and high, I don't think you'd be able to walk, at the very least.]
"hi your [RAGE] called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. he was tall. he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL [it reads better when I'm drunk, OH WELL!]!)
"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?" [Christ, she's a nosy cow.]
"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips. [I hope he bites through them.]
"what is wrong Jasper?" i said
"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. i am gay [he's... I... What?], and thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!"
"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said.
"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.
"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay [how does she know?!] and everything" i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back [FUCKING TENSES, SORT THEM THE FUCK OUT]. he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs. [As you do. Why is he carrying drugs? What is this obsession she has with taking drugs anyway? No wonder she's fucked in the head.]
we had a relay good time and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car [the panda's GOT A CAR?!] at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car. (i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!) [Vampires aren't supposed to be affected by booze. Nice effort, but you fail. Then again, they're not meant to sparkle either. Also, sex? Panda? WHAT?!]
but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us and i had to stop the car and get out. there was a man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness. he was good looking but he looked so angry i got out my samurai sword [WHAT?!] (i often have it with me [WHAT?!?!]!) but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me [I really wish DMC's Virgil would turn up and show them all how it's done], there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex [o.0 I'd actually forgotten about that part. I need brain bleach, dear reader] on each other to notice, i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other - it was so cute [no it's not. It's horrifying] but now was SO not the time! The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.
when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room and the tall mussel man was in front of me. i was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move. [Oh no, not this again...]
"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.
"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING [OH GOD!]!" he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!
"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted. [Usually, it's a tail that wags. Maybe he talks out of his arse?]
"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.
"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN [oh god...]!" he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. "YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH [your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!]! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART [that was Ewdard]! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!"
This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down [a comical thought]. But something he said had caugt my atention.
"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.
"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!" [STOP FUCKING SHOUTING.]
Of corse! It all made sense now [no it doesn't. Nothing does anymore]! I was so shocked I fainted,
When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED [oh no...]! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item [wait for it...] was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom [this chapter is wrong in so many ways. I've never heard a penis described like that. And now I know why]. he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me [agh... What do you think?]! but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!
IT WAS EWDARD! [Lovely. Just lovely.]


The fic ends there. Literally. Presumably a nuke exploded on top of them at that exact moment. At least that's what I'm going to believe. Well, that was thoroughly awful wasn't it, dear reader? But do you know what? It's going to be replaced by something even worse. I just need to find something horrible enough. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get so drunk I can't remember the awful sex scenes.

Until next time!
Teddy

3 comments:

Knobby2 said...

dude, whats a half bread??? she is so obsessed by drugs im not surprised she ended up in rehab

Teddy Leach said...

Knobby: It's a... A... Half a loaf! She's a damned freak, that's what she is. Guys, don't do drugs! Seriously, you'll end up like that.

Brandi Hayes said...

Well said, well said. Laurie: "Half bread...how am I supposed to make a grilled cheese with that?!"

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