Saturday, 11 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 5 & 6

This trainwreck of a fic is not being helped by my computer being uncharacteristically laggy. Ah well.

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! [stop writing!] if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx [yup, I swear all the time when I've got a headache and catch a lady bouncing on a man's dingaling. Dumbledore was very in-character there. Ahem]! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws [the people who gave this thing good 'revoiws' are the people who saw the lulz in the failz]!


Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily [as opposed to happily. They had been caught banging, after all].

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted [I'm going to resist making a joke about Ludacris].

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face [that's one nasty STD you caught from Draco!]. Draco comforted me [I bet he did]. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice [for the life of me, I can not imagine Dumbledore saying this. Or anything to do with sex, for that matter].

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall [best. Insult. Ever].

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” [we always take people we love into forests and bang them. Romance is for preps]
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.” [I know Snape is supposed to like Draco, but come on!]

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently [that dialog tag reminds me of the song 'Killing me Softly'. I can just imagine there being a piss-take called 'Asking me Gently'. I can even hear the whole thing playing in my head. Thanks for the sleepless night, Enoby!].

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels [why?! You're going to bed for Christ's sake!]. When I came out…. [Canon reasserted itself and I exploded. The end.]

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte [very romantic. Excuse me while I vomit]. I was so flattered [I wouldn't have been, but I like to think I have class], even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. [Anticlimax! At least it didn't lead to more IKEA erotica with Dumbledore bursting in and mouthing off.]

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows [I really wish they hadn't]!


The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black ["Dear Diary: Today I dressed like a whore again. Last night I put on a long dress and high heels to go to sleep, for no obvious reason other than I felt like it"]. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple [with... spraypaint? Do people normally spraypaint their hair?].

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood [that'd be a vampire's equivalent of drinking milk with one's breakfast]. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top [never mind dear, no-one'll notice with all those red skulls].

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face [you... were going down his face? You SLUT, you're supposed to be with Draco!] and he was wearing black lipstick [he sounds a bit funny to me]. He didn’t have glasses anymore [oh no...] and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore [you ARE joking]. He had a manly stubble on his chin [I thought goths were incapable of growing hair anywhere other than the top of their heads. At least every goth I've ever seen can attest to that. Harry must be a poser prep]. He had a sexy English accent [it amuses me greatly when foreigners say that an English accent is sexy. Also, which one? We've at least 50 different accents in England alone]. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko [no dickgirls here then. That sounds oddly like denial to me though].

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

["Where's the bomb?" Jack Bauer demanded.]

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled [another piece of my sanity has been lost forever due to the sheer raping of the canon].

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled ["It's a metallic taste, human blood. Copperish." -Richard B. Riddick, escaped convict, murderer].

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed [I'm sure he couldn't tell dear. It's not like you were drinking blood and eating Count Chocula with blood instead of milk, is it?].

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

["Son of a bitch!" Jack shouted. He then proceeded to shoot the entire cast of My Immortal dead. There was much rejoicing.]

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. [I bet it's sex. Sorry, did I spoil the surprise? Don't worry, the art of storytelling is lost to Tara.]

Until the next fail-tastic chapter!


Post a Comment

Twitter Delicious Digg Stumbleupon Favorites