Monday, 20 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 16, 17, & 18

Right, dear reader, let's tear these three chapters to pieces. Because it's just so easy to. It's also worth stating now that the timeline of events is going to start (and indeed, has already started) jumping around madly and inexplicably. Try your best, dear reader.

Chapter 16.

AN: u no wut [wut?]! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis [sweater drama! Drama, I say! I told you I could smell some drama]! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! [Great, that means there's probably going to be more fangirl-Japanese. My brain just dribbled out my ear in utter delight.]


We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing ‘Helena’. I was so fucking happy [makes a change from her trying to kill herself all the damn time]! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection [he's very easily turned on] but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother [even though you've both shagged Harry in the past. Enoby did while Draco was being held in bondage by Voldemort, remember?]. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets [no-one cares and it just makes you sound like a slut]. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched [while moshing? That sounds awkward]. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! [That sounds like an awesome band. I'd take them over My Chemical Romance any day. Then again, I'd rather take a bullet to the head than MCR.]
“Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u [wait... What? What just happened? What's going on?]!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time [what happened last time? All we know is that Voldemort hijacked the concert with his own band. We have been informed of nothing else]? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them [I bet you do...]

“What cause we…you know…” he gadgetted [that is not a dialog tag. It's not even a word] uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what. [Yes we do. Don't make assumptions. Actually, I thought that was common knowledge anyway?]
“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded [wrong dialog tag, not even a dialog tag] in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” Draco promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT [male or female? And how does that make it any better?].”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream [mainstream is the devil. And what's going with an escort got to do with that anyway?]?” I asked. “So I guess ur a prep or a Christina [I've never, ever heard someone being accused of being a Christina] or what now?”

“NO.” he muttered loudly. [Muttering is, by the very definition, quiet.]
“R u becoming a prep or what?” I shootd angrily. [Isn't she overreacting somewhat?]
“Enoby! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘Da world is black’ by GC to me. [How romantic.]
I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! [I know the lyrics of plenty of songs that aren't singles. I can only assume that goth/emo things have smaller brains than normal people.]

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

B’loody Mary was standing there. “Hajimemashite gurl [*Teddy's blood boils*].” she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese [I don't give a flying fuck]). “BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math [everybody skips mathS, it's not on the Hogwarts curriculum].” (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) [I think somebody's had a tiff, don't you, dear reader?]

“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily. [Yup, someone's definitely had a tiff.]
Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed [as per]. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. “Maybe Willow will die too [this is obviously not going to come true in two seconds].” I said.

“Kawai.” B’loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly [how can something be energetic and lethargic at the same time?]. “Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he’s a necphilak.” [See, told you it wouldn't come true. I love how flippant that statement from Mair was.]

“Kawai [how equally flippant. And irritating].” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence [o.0] for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.” [Yeah, don't ask her if she's going or'd like to go. You're a marvelous friend.]

B’Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY [almost as energetic as your typing]. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.” [Oh no...]
“In Hot Topic, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. [Hogwarts and Hogsmeade are in Scotland. Hot Topic has no branches outside of America.]

“No.” My head snaped up.

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B’Loody Mary are u a PREP?” [Not this AGAIN. Why must she have this vindication?]

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” She laughed. “I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that’s all.” [Has she realised there is no Hot Topic?]

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don’t even SAY that nam to me [why?]!). Or me. [If it was you, this entire conversation would fail twice as much as it already is.]
“Dumblydore.” She sed. “Let me just call our broms.”

“OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?” I asked quietly. [Yup, she asked quietly in caps, which are used to convey shouting. I feel your pain, dear reader.]

“Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk [all the times they've presumably been in Hogsmeade before, and they never noticed?].” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade [we know]. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE [then that statement seems redundant] and he gave me a few dresses [what, he just gave them to you? He didn't even try selling them? He's not very good at his job]. “We only have these for da real goffs.”

“Da real goffs?” Me and B’Loody Mary asked. [The hive mind is in effect. I'm verging on making it a label.]
“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man [I thought it was dirty, disgusting hippies that said 'man'? Also, we know about the 'posers']! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.” [I'll reiterate a previous statement: why do they even have a camera? Most wizards would have trouble with a light-switch.]
“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN [OH NOES!!!11!!1ONEONE]!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit. [We really do not care.]

“Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said. [This salesman sounds a little suspect. And yes, it is a man.]

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said B’Loody Mary. [Naturally everyone in the world thinks that. She is a Mary Sue after all.]

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit [while he's a nice salesman, he's not very good. The key word is 'sale']. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s ebondy dark’ness dementia TARA [subtle dig is not very subtle] way what’s yours?”

“Tom Rid [I'm going to assume he's Tom Riddle, because that's a little too convenient otherwise. It does, however, beg the question of who Voldemort actually is. Or is Voldemort just in disguise here?].” He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv [she's like Tiana in reverse. Or something]!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. “OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!” [I can't even think of a remotely witty response to this, not off the top of my head. that's how bad it is. This plot is terrible. The plots of stories done by 5 year-olds follow this structure.]

Chapter 17.

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage [hey, I'm the one who advertises things!]. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn’t rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! [All this over a poster of an ugly man. Presumably Raven took the sweater in revenge. It's all a bit childish.]


Tom Riddle [wow, it IS Tom Riddle. Is it Voldemort in disguise? I can answer that: no. Which begs the question of what the hell's going on. In general] gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual [is it just me, or is every man in this fic a bikey?]). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum [hur hur] back 2 Hogwarts. “WTF Hargrid?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Willow came [hur hur]. Hargird went away angrily. [Did she come too late? OK, I'll stop that now.]

“Hey bitch you look kawaii [*Teddy gets more enraged*].” she said.

“Yah but not as kawaii as you [what does this word mean?! Actually, I don't care enough about Japanese to want to know. I just know I hate it].” I answered sadly cause Willow’s really pretty and everything [everything what?]. She was wearing [OH GOD!] a short black corset-thingy [do you mean a corset?] with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red [black and blood-red at the same time?] miniskirt, leather fish-nets [o.0] and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs ["Big Bob! Big Bob! Big Bob, Big bob, Big Bob!"] and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. [I'm sorry, is that meant to be a good thing? I don't think I'm alone in saying that that's a massive turn-off.]

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?” she asked.

“Yah.” I said happily. [Make the most of her happiness, it won't last.]
“I’m gong with Diabolo.” she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came [hur hur. I'm sorry, it's just so easy]. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing [argh!] a black t-shirt that said ‘666’ on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson [a lovely comparison]. Draco was wearing black leather pants [I blame Cassandra Claire for this], a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower [the sentence finally lost me, which is quite an achievement, albeit nothing new by this fic's standards]. B’loody Mart [is that her brother?] was going 2 da concert wif Dracola [product placement? It's like cola for vampires!]. Dracola used to be called Navel [this sentence started to fail. Hard] but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires [does everyone have to be a vampire? It's getting annoying]. They dyed [what colour? Incidentally, just as an aside, after years of resistance I finally agreed to have my hair dyed last Saturday. I'm naturally dark-blonde, and had it lightened slightly. The shock I got when I looked in the mirror only left me this morning when I decided I actually like it. I will now return you to your badfic] in a car crash. Navel [Neville?] converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now [I think we could have guessed by now]. He was wearing [Teddy has encountered a fatal error and must shut down] a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now [I thought you called him Dracola? I notice you've still not spotted that 'Diabolo' or whatever the hell it is should be 'Diablo']. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco’s black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik [I'm getting tired of the bad puns]) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. [Did they do all this while still in the car? While driving? Think for a minute how terrifying and dangerous that would be.] We soon got there…….I gapsed.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva [I'm sure she's said this repeatedly already]! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes [we know what Gerard Way looks like, thanks to Google, right, dear reader? Personally, I think he looks like a little kid]. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice ['ethnic voice'?]. We moshed 2 Helena [mosh to music that was designed for it. It's like me headbanging to Moonlight Sonata] and sum odder songz [they get even odder?]. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy [evil is preppy] man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came [look at the context this is used in. What else could she possibly mean?]. It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! [I find it highly amusing that they've fallen for the same trick twice now.]
“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Draco!” [He and Ewdard should form a club.]
“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife. [Why does he need one if he's got a wand? Voldemort is a preposterously powerful wizard. He's supposed to be anyway.]
Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick [it's goth-Jesus, come to kick some prep arse]. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ [uh...] on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE! [Twist! Climax! Bad plot!]

Chapter 18.

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep [I must be one of the preppiest men alive]! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! [Is she referring to The Line from chapter 3?]

I woke up the next day in my coffin [I'm sure we've been here before]. I walked out of it [climbing out of it first might be a good idea] and put on [here we go...] some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring [slut. Yes, I equate belly piercings with sluts] with black and red diamonds inside it.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth [funny that, because I'm going to kill something if I read one more of these puns]). Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it [it sounds barely-functional]. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) [It's like she just remembered there was a previous chapter.]

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall [like 'sewer grate', how very apropos]. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. [I'd just like to say that the Backstreet Boys are in no way 'posers'. That said, I like neither of the two 'posers' presented there.]

“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to B’loody Mary and Willow. B’loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots [why do all of the goth girls dress exactly the same? You'd expect to see some variation, but it doesn't seem to exist. The hive mind is at work. I hereby honour this post with the first ever 'hive mind' label]. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs [why my thighs? I'm not wearing them] and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came [I bet they did]. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. [I swear the writing is getting more inane as we go along.]
“Those guys are so fucking hot.” Navel [great, Navel/Dracola must be a bi as well] was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came [there must be something in the water, this is getting ridiculous]. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. [Poor hare, what did it ever do to him? That's no way to treat a pet.]
“……………….DUMBLEDORE?1!” we all gasped. [Again, we can see the hive mind in action. I can see the label's going to get a lot of use, dear reader.]

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!” [Hiz gun goff lol!11ONE]

“Hello everyone.” he said happily. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?” [Great, Bert's talking like a 'goff' now. Also, it looks tacky.]

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poser he was!1. [At least one could say he's making an effort. What would constitute a 'poser' in their eyes anyway? Because I suspect their criteria would be wholly unreasonable.]

“BTW you can call me Albert [see? A nickname of 'Albert' is 'Bert'! So it can't be Albus Dumbledore, it's Albert Dumblydore! He may be a distant cousin].” HE CALLED AS WE LEFT [is that necessary?] to our classes.

“What a fucking poser!” Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation [Transfiguration. Yes, I really am that petty]. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard [has he ever done that?]) but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s havin a mid-life crisis!” Willow shouted. [He's going to live a bloody long time then.]
I was so fucking angry. [I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.]

While writing this, I nearly lost the will to live, and so put on Judas Priest's Touch of Evil, just to maintain some perspective. Seeing as you've suffered with me, dear reader, please enjoy some good music.

Until next time!


Anonymous said...

...I could not give two small balls of flightless fuck how the rest of the story goes--but I'm going to read it. Simply because you are awesome, and took the time to read the entire thing. I applaud you.

Teddy Leach said...

I thank you, dear reader!

SharpFang said...

LOL. It's nice to know that you like metal and Priest too.

Teddy Leach said...

SF: Better than her shitty music! Glad to know my readers have good taste too!

Anonymous said...

You make my day everytime I read these chapters :D

although I'm pretty sure I'm starting to speak/think in 'goffic' just by reading her story... it might be the time for a break (and some decent music/clothes)...

Thank you for your witty remarks, it's the only reason I read past chapter one.

Teddy Leach said...

Thank you, dear reader, that's very nice of you and I sure do appreciate it!

You should certainly read something decent as a palette cleanser. I recommend anything else.

Alyss Hawk said...

God this is bearable because of you. Even though I'm a prep because pop is OK. (ONLY YOUTUBER POP.)
I suggest you read THIS:
because a) it's like you criticizing My Immortal only it criticizes Starkit's Prophecy
and b) one of your readers wrote it. AWESOMENESS.

Teddy Leach said...

'Lo, Alyss!

Thanks, it's very nice of you to say that! I have been reading that actually. It's certainly better than my DC because I have no idea about Warriors. Truly though, my readers are the Best Readers.

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