Friday, 17 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 13, 14, & 15

It's getting worse. I can't believe it's actually getting worse. Fortunately, I am still equipped with booze. It's the only way I can avoid shooting myself.

Chapter 13. [Unlucky for some, including you and I, dear reader.]

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard [I can feel drama developing. Drama, I say!] but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!


Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. [Because Voldemort has Draco in bondage? I doubt he'd kill his new sex toy.]

“Dumbledore Dumblydore! [it's amazing how they manage to vary his name, almost playful, wouldn't you say? At least it would be if intentional. As it is, this fails]” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily. [OOC Dumbledore is not swearing at the moment. Still, he doesn't talk like that.]
“Volsemort has Draco!” we shouted at the same time. ["In bondage!" Teddy added.]
He laughed in an evil voice. [Is this still Dumbledore? In what universe would he give an evil laugh? Ah forget it, he's been so consistently OOC that I'll just name him something else. I think I'll call him Bert.]
“No! Don’t! We need to save Draco!” we begged. [If he's so stupid as to be captured by the most obvious Voldemort I've ever seen, he deserves to languish in chains for the rest of what promises to be a short and painful life.]

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco [Bert isn't a very good headmaster, I must say. He doesn't seem to care that the Dark Lord has taken one of his students hostage. In bondage]. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” [It always amused me that there was never any sex inside Hogwarts. I wish it stayed like that after reading this] he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway [Bert is a VERY bad headmaster].” then he walked away. Vampire started crying. “My Draco!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot! [two things: they're bi, and no, they're not hot in the slightest])

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood [he must have caught that from Enoby when they were shagging]. Then he had a brainstorm [did his head explode?]. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Voldemprt’s lair! [You mean it's that easy? Dear god, we actually had the beginnings of a plot before that happened! Enoby and Harry could have spent the fic searching for clues as to the location of the lair and how to access it. But no, that's what a competent writer would have done.]

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!” [Allah akbar, apparently.]
It was……………………………….. Voldemort! [No shit?]
Chapter 14.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen [lord knows what it looks like when no-one's helping...]. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists [and yet you're still alive. Truly, justice does not exist]. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! [Now that's just petty.]

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. ['Excretion'? Very apropos, I must say. Also, no it isn't scary. Turning around to see a hideous monster with the torn flesh of your family hanging from it's jaws is scary.]

We ran to where Volcemort was [didn't he use the killing curse? Or maybe the typo above was deliberate so that no curse was invoked]. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there [twist!]. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was [another twist!]. Draco was there crying tears of blood [not ANOTHER one]. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. [Wormtail, but we won't quibble.]
“Rid my sight you despicable preps!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly [did this sentence just flip out on me?] he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes [WHAT?!]. “EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme [you must be joking. Just... You must be joking].” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) [He wouldn't be anyway! And why is he 16? Canon, I miss you...]

“Huh?” I asked.
”Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely [as opposed to laughing eloquently]. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart [coup de grace, finally!]. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming [I thought he was already screaming? Look to the left slightly. That Scotch Mist?] and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly. [WHY?!]
“Snaketail what art thou doing [he's dying loudly. You're not a very good villain]?” called Voldemort. Then…… he started coming [I bet he did]! We could hear his high heels clacking to us [wait... Voldemort's wearing high heels. Voldemort's in DRAG?!]. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts [and it's really that easy to leave as well?!]. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. [As per. I think she needs to see a psychiatrist.]
“What’s wrong honey?” asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw [he's got no feelings. Can he not tell she's probably not in the mood?]. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah [enough of the puns]) and a really huge you-know-what [yes, we established that several chapters ago, although I believe that may be wishful thinking on Enoby/Tara's part] and everything. [Everything what?]

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls [not this cliché of Sue-dom, not after everything else...] and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly [yeah!]? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” [Unlike Enoby, who does not dress like one at all, and nor has she had sex with two boys in a very short period of time. Oh no, sir, not her!] answered Draco.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me [yes, that is rather odd]! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked [that doesn't mean they love you, dear]. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me [he was before you killed him]! I just wanna be with you ok Draco [and yet you fucked Harry while you knew Draco was in bondage?]! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob [yes she is] or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things [o.0]! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away. [Yup, words have actually failed me here. Therefore, we shall ignore that and move to the next chapter.]

Chapter 15.

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz [how has she not bled out yet?]! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!


“Ebony Ebony!” shouted Draco sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad. [Wait... He hasn't done anything wrong.]
“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire [like she did? Yeah, don't mention that, Enoby...]!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key [of course. At least it's not a key made of blood]. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it [naturally, like all keys do]. He looked so sexy [Manson is not sexy by any definition of the word] in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists [I find it amusing that no-one has commented on the marks that'll obviously be left. Realistic? I think not]. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. [Pardon me for butting in, but if she was that depressed, she wouldn't care about Biology. When did they start teaching that at Hogwarts anyway?]

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy [nothing like class, is there?] on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots [slag] that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar [I've never needed to do that in a biology class]. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! [How'd he manage that, then? The first one of you to say 'magic' will get a thick ear.]
“Enoby I love you [I thought the problem was that everyone loved her? Except me. I rather hate her]!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world [he can't have seen many girls]. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time [he probably wanted out of this badfic before it even started]. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “Da Chronicles of Life and Death” [how romantic][yup, Biology's turned into karaoke. No-one seems to care or, indeed, react] (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it [as I said, there's nothing like class]) right in front of the entire class [and yet no-one reacts]! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic [could someone kindly define a 'gothic voice' for me?] and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson [that sounds like a hideous mish-mash. So about right, then] (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot [no]. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. [Not in full, mind you. It obviously wasn't good enough for that.][a natural response, I can assure you. I'd be dumbfounded] Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers [I'm assuming she's using one hand for this, so how many middle fingers does she have?] (that were covered in black nail polish [DOES IT MATTER?!] and were entwined with Draco’s now [she gave them the finger while holding Draco's hand? That's the kind of thing the local sluts here do]) at them. “I love you!” I said [to who? As if we didn't know...] and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch [and yet you're comparing yourself to her. Do you see the rationale, dear reader? I certainly don't]) and CMM in a Cinderella Story [never seen it. I'm proud of this fact]. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin [he's still teaching despite having been caught perving on a student. And wanking while doing it] shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether [does this sound normal to you? It shouldn't]. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then [it's all happening in Hogsmeade]. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. [The writing's actually getting worse. Seriously, this is the way 7 year-olds write. There's no excuse whatsoever.]

Ugh, my mind hurts... It needs cleansing with lovely booze and some actual literature.
Until the next horrible installment, dear reader!


SharpFang said...

The problem was, they accidentally landed in Voldemort's next-door neighbor's lair. Just as well Voldemort was borrowing a cup of sugar from Voldemprt.

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