Friday, 24 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 23, 24, 25, & 26

Right, I've got the drinks in (mulled wine, if you must know. I couldn't be arsed opening another bottle of whiskey), so let's do this. The chapter lengths get very sporadic from here on in, even more so than before. You may not think that's possible, but it is. Very.


Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz [I don't think they were positive reviews. I imagine most were one line: "This is shit."]!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox [I sincerely hope that's a joke] gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! [Yay, she can get more skanky clothes.]
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The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum [awesome name] and Rumbridge sawed us. [A couple of Leatherfaces in disguise, those two. RRRNNNNNNNNNNNG!]

“MR. WAY [is that a Freudian slip?] WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her [he did that quick. Canon Umbridge is corrupted in a different way to what I mean there. I'm just that disgusting. That's what this fic does to you]. “She means hi everybody cum in!” [An easy mistake to make.]
Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness [where did her apostrophe go? Wait... who's Darkness? I thought that was Enoby's middle name! I'm confused!] and Draco and opposite B’loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both
 looked exactly like Ville Vollo [I'm sorry, the references have finally lost me. I've no idea what she's on about]. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup [I wish she'd drink some from a person for a change]. Then I herd someone shooting angrily [there's no friendly fire here]. I looked behind me it was………Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. [I can picture them having a gunfight in the middle of the great hall. It is glorious.]

“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit [very apropos] next to her!1”

“No I do!” shouted. [Oh, how very mature.]
“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.

“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Vampire [you'd think Draco'd read more into that, especially considering he knows they've got a thing going]. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv [oh]) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose [WE FUCKING KNOW!] and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped [This paragraph is hurting my head]. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort! [We'd never have guessed.]
“Eboby…..Ebony [if at first you don't succeed, try again]…….” Darth Valer [WHAT?!] sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!” [That... Seems really redundant. Almost to the point of silliness. If he can get to Harry so easily, why doesn't he kill him anyway? It's not like it's be very difficult for him at the moment.]
“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway [what is the point then?]!” Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me [sounds painful]. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic [how does... Oh, I give up. Again]. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. [Surely Voldemort could just leave him to it?]

“No!” I screamed sexily [I've no idea how that works]. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Ebony Ebony aure you alright?” asked Draco in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Enoby.” said Vampire all sensetive. [I keep expecting her to make the same remark she usually does about sensitivity.]

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face [not again!]. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!” [That's a film, dear. It's not reality. Then again, neither is this.]
“Its ok gurl.” said B’loody Mary. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went. [This is for emphasis, bitch.]
Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u [no, fuck you] ok go 2 hel [I'm not going to see a Norse goddess just because you told me to]!11 raven fagz 4 di help!

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Well we had Deviation [this fic has deviated enough from canon] next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.

“Konnichiwa [oh god. I'll never understand this fascination with Japanese] everybody come in.” said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese [what, she said the whole sentence in Japanese?]. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She’s da coolest fucking teacher ever [because she's quite obviously a 'goff'?]. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips [yes, she is] and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire [that's obviously the norm in this world]. She’s also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b’loody mry get along grate) She’s really young for a teacher [they're not all ancient, you know]. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress [hmm... She dressed like Enoby too]. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand [5 year-olds do that]. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it. [Woop-de-doo.]
“What is it Ebony?” she asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Hot Topik?”

“Yeah.” I answered. All the preps who didn’t know what HT was gave me weird looks [most of them, I'd imagine. It's something to do with this being Scotland and Hot Topic operating in America]. I gave them the middle finger [she does that a lot, doesn't she? Skank]. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”

“Ho about now?” she asked.

“OK.” I said.

“OK class fucking dismissed [bugger professionalism] every1.” Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. “Except for you Britney.” she pointed at Britney and sum other preps [they must all be called Britney. A very preppy name, that]. “Please do exorcize (geddit [die in a fucking fire]) 1 on page 3.”

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Draco gong 2 die. [You seem to forget he already has.]
Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” she asked.

“I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram.” [I think we could have guessed that.]
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes. [Vote for Draco.]
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Proffesor Sinister. [I've never heard a teacher say 'cunt'. Especially to a student. I love how it seems to have been used as a term of endearment.]

“Bye bitch.” I said waving. [Likewise, 'bitch' is obviously a term of endearment.]

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. [I'm not surprised, dressed like that.]

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer [lolwut?]!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again [oh of course you are. You're at it like rabbits. Incidentally, there's never been any mention of contraception, so why isn't she pregnant yet? Maybe Draco's impotent, because he certainly doesn't seem very careful. You'd think they'd have caught something by now]. We went outside and then we went into Draco’s black car.

“Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say.” whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. [I keep saying this, but the writing really is getting worse.]
“She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy [she seems very keen to accentuate this at every opportunity] voice. He took out a heroin [ah, so THIS is what drugs do to you. Drugs are bad, kids] cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork [uh...]. He started to fly the car into a tree [they dies in the crash. The end]. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR. [What on? They've left the car. Apparently anyway, because we weren't actually told that they did.]

“And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me.” sang Gerard’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong [how unsexy] and my black leather bar [several jokes about that shall go untold. Use your imagination, dear reader]. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. [These are quite possibly the least erotic sex scenes I've ever read. And I've read Celebrian.]

“OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism [that was quick]. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep [he's a terrible lover]. I started having a dream. In it a black guy [a gangsta!] was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car. [The car can't have a bottom. Must just be a frame he's running with.]

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Ebony what’s wrong?” Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile [I'll probably murder the next goth I see. No, really]. Butt [hur hur] the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… Lucian and Serious!111 [Lovely, more characters for her to butcher.]

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep [you fuck yourself because no-one wants to do it for you, don't you? I'm just getting nasty now]! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11 [I could make a joke here, but I'm not going to.]
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A few mutates later [o.0] Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt. [Yeah, I hope Enoby and Draco have already gotten dressed. That could be awkward, even though they've all had carnal knowledge of each other. I bet there'll be a threesome at some point. It was so set up that way.]

“Hi Vampire.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened. [Blah, blah, blah, blah... I'm sorry, I'm really losing patience here.]

“Oh fuck it!” Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. “What fucking dick did that!” [Oh come on, it's not happened yet! Very emotional, these 'goffs'.]

“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor.”

We ran out of the tree [might be a good idea to climb down first. Did Draco just leave his car there?] and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office. [Bert doesn't get out much.]

“Sire ["My liege!"] are dads have been shot [except that haven't. It was a dream. And Sirius isn't Harry's father]!” Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. “Enoby had a vision in a dreem.” [Exactly.]
Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha [lol, apparently]! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?” [Because she was relegated.]

I glared at Dumbledore.

“Look motherfucker [you just called the headmaster a motherfucker?].” he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter [Dumbledore always struck me as someone who would ignore such a comment]). “U know very well that I’m not decisional [or divisional]. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!” [She's a bossy cow, isn't she?]

“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”


[Get ready for the detailed conclusion to this plot!]

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. “Longdon.” I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found [yeah, all the action was clearly unnecessary. This fic is awful]. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room [what, why?]. We looked at each other’s gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed [again]. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers……………………….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 [That's not very dramatic. There was no need for the dramatic pause. Bah.]


I'm not sure how much more of this I can take... I can feel a pressure in my mind. I fail to comprehend how anyone can fail quite so much at writing. Ah well, I'll join you tomorrow dear reader. I'm going now to apply some brain bleach.

Until next time!
Teddy

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love your annotations. LOL. By the way, you can find me on Fanfiction.net as SharpFang.

Teddy Leach said...

SharpFang: I read your fics, not bad at all! I'm glad you enjoy my comments!

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