Monday, 13 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 7, 8, & 9

T-t-t-triple bill! This may be an exceedingly bad idea, but we'll see how I do. Oh dear...

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life [well, I suppose there's something to be said for trying to give a chapter a name. Not for failing horribly at it though. Does it have anything to do with what happens in this chapter? No. Of course it doesn't!]

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws [even God is enjoying this trainwreck]. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons [lolwut?]! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS [I think she's completely missing the point]! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake [when one is depressed, one has other things on one's mind than banging Draco Malfoy]!

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[look at that line above. See anything wrong with it? How is it POSSIBLE to make that mistake?!]

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? [funnily enough, one characteristic of a Mary Sue is that she regularly goes to unreasonable lengths to describe what she's wearing. So yes, yes it does]). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco [this is certainly not going to become a plot point in a few lines, oh no, sir!]. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively [how is it possible to 'french' passively?! Who even uses that word?!] and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top [maybe what lurks underneath her slutty attire feels a lot better than it looks]. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine [she's got a 'boy's thingy'? Dear lord...] and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid? [very])

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm [I can not begin to say how many things are wrong with that sentence]. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire [and there we have it! A seemingly innocent statement got turned into a plot point in record time. This fic is terrible]!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed [we later discover that she believes "bi guiz r so hawt." Bloody hypocrite].

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway! [buuuuuuuurned. Although, to be fair, Enoby's probably picked up every STD in existence by now, if the frequency of her bonking and her dress sense are anything to go by]

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked [considering it most have taken Enoby ages to get dressed, I've no idea why Draco couldn't have]. He had a really big you-know-what [I find that hard to believe] but I was too mad to care [I find that hard to believe too]. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled [someone's getting detention!].

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep! [But flassing keeps your teeth nice!]

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back [I'm surprised their gaze didn't shift to Draco when he came in with his really big you-know-what. Which one are you less likely to find running into your class, a swearing goth girl, or a naked 17 year-old goth boy?].

“Ebony, it’s not what you think!” Draco screamed sadly [for some reason I've got flashbacks of that episode of the IT Crowd when Douglas ran into Denholm's funeral and pumped his arm while shouting "Faaatheeeer!" No idea why, but it does make me smile].

My friend B’loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly [oh no, another one]. She flipped her long waste-length [typo victory] gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes [she... smiled at you before she opened her eyes?] like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione [Teddy vomits blood and dies] was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires [never mind that vampires are not supposed be be able to naturally sire children. I blame Twilight] and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed [so am I after reading this]. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor [yup, no Satanists are allowed in 'Griffindoor'])

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Snape [Snape does not speak like that] demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him [she is so getting a detention].

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Draco!” I shouted at him [if they had sex before Enoby and Draco got together, that's NOT cheating. Fool].

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Ebony was so mad at me [inexplicable POV shift!]. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Ebony [and yet we never see Enoby indulging in sappho]) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker [remember this name for later]. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep. ["prEpz r teh sux0rz lol!11!1"])

“But I’m not going out with Draco anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility [...virility? Uh...] to Draco [wait... I refuse to believe that was her first time! Look at how she dresses and acts!] and then I started to bust into tears.

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox [that's obvious]! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers [Dumbledore doesn't swear in any of the films either?]! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist [he doesn't particularly like him anyway! Religious conflict has nothing to do with it. Also, why does everyone seem to be a Satanist? I think that's the card Tara plays when she can't think of a real reason for something. Look at some of the contexts it's used in later on]! MCR ROX [no they don't]!

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me [but he didn't! He had another partner before you, so what?]. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco [can't you say something sensible like 'made love' or 'had sex'? These euphemisms are getting tiresome].

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible ['an' should be used before a word that begins with a vowel. I know most Americans drop the 'h' off 'herbs', producing a sound that makes me want to kill, but they don't drop it from 'horrible'] man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose [yes, you mentioned that] (basically like Voldemort [thanks for spoiling it before his 'big reveal'!] in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic [when Voldemort is the single most gothic living character in the Canon]. It was…… Voldemort [yes, you spoiled that for us, I'm afraid]!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him [Teddy blinks dumbfoundedly. Crookshanks is the name of Hermione's cat. Cats are not spells]. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream [I doubt Voldemort would be vulnerable to the cruciatus curse, which I believe is what Tara meant]. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped [yup, screw a good old fashioned coup-de-grace. Not only do you have You Know Who at your mercy, but you're also a sadist. And you feel sorry for him?!].

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" [Why does he speak like that?!This fic makes no sense!]

I thought about Vampire and his sexah [sexah!] eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? [You're choosing NOW to think about this?]
“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back [well, she's not afraid of saying his name].

Voldemort gave me a gun [a... gun? Actually, I've always wondered how a Potterverse wizard'd react to a gunshot wound]. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

[Wait... If Voldemort is there, inside the school grounds, why doesn't he just waltz up to Harry and kill him himself?]

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face [I think that's the same face I pulled when I read this. Also, one shouldn't use such language when referring to the actions of the Dark Lord fer chrissakes!]. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly [and being able to move objects with your mind automatically gives you telepathy too?]. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco! [he's also not very good at speaking like that]” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do [kill Harry? His actions later on suggest he wants to die. And besides, this iteration of him richly deserves it. Just you see how he acts]. Suddenly Draco came into the woods [how convenient].

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

[Oh, she seems to have forgiven him for having sex with Harry while they weren't together.]

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit [I don't think you've yet told us that you can't say 'cross'. Even so, that's a terrible joke]) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way [oh god...].

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled [you... expelled? And he DIDN'T CHEAT ON YOU!].

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out [I dislike the rationale, inasmuch as it doesn't exist].


I... I think I hate this story. But until next time!
Teddy

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i am aware this was posted back in December but Snape doesn't hate Harry in the least bit...in fact he cared for him very much.

Teddy Leach said...

It's a very fair and correct point. I'm sure I had a very good reason for saying what I did, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was.

Anonymous said...

i'm sure i can guess what it was

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