Two chapters! Ah-ah-ah. I'm grouping these two together seeing as they're so short and I want to get chapter 4 out of the way as soon as possible. It has the line.
Chapter 3.
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte [I suppose it's only natural to deny ownership of this mess. Also, in what universe would you own any of Good Charlotte's lyrics? Bah. Furthermore, the flaming appears to have inexplicably got worse. Unsurprising].
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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets [you slut]. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky [spikes stick upward. In the traditional sense anyway - they can also stick sideways and down. Whatever way, it wouldn't work]. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists [yeah, we all feel depressed when we're going to see our favourite band with a person we're attracted to]. I read a depressing book [was it Twilight? Or is this a nightmare world where this MESS has been published?] while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner [wouldn't that have made her head fall off?]. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway [vampires usually are. Don't worry though, as she forgets what she is in a few chapters]. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert [I KNOW vampires are meant to drink blood, but it's not their equivalent of Dutch courage].
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) [who? Actually, forget it... I really couldn't care less], baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner [bender] (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) [no. I'm rather afraid they don't. They do in Enoby's world though. That's a scary world].
“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice [you exclaimed in a depressed way? That doesn't work. And what happened to placing a comma before saying a name?].
“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz [of all cars, why an MB? At least she didn't write 'Volvo'] (the license plate said 666 [naturally]) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs [tobacco is a drug. Also, drugs are not good, you deeply silly kids. Wait... They're flying a car while high?]. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up [moshing isn't really jumping up and down. And I've never heard of anyone moshing to Good Charlotte] and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
“You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song [I doubt anyone would have thought you did]).
“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice [my personal taste tells me his voice is passable at best. But I don't want to start a war here, Enoby/Tara's entitles to her opinion].
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on [oh... You're so slow!].
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.
“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
“Really.” I said. [rant] “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” [/rant] I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face [does she have thick blonde hair growing out of her face?].
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled [any particular reason? Did their legs get broken? I hope so] back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… [dramatic pause is undramatic in this context] the Forbidden Forest! [OH NOES!]
Chapter 4 [things deteriorate in this chapter. We also have the first of many sex scenes].
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY [now you know where it comes from. It says a lot when a writer can't even spell the name of her own Mary-Sue correctly] nut mary su [it may as well be] OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her [awww] dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! [Oh, I wondered how long that would take]
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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”
Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously [that sounds rather like some unseen force made you walk out and you were curious about it. Punctuation fail].
“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily [like we couldn't tell you were angry].
“Ebony?” he asked.
“What?” I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts [otherwise he'd be an albino, and I don't think Tara knows what they are. And 'gothic'? Did they have elaborate stone spires on them?]) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore [she saw the evil and sadness and was calmed. That's up there with "This is the skin of a killer!" *sparkle*].
And then…………… [drama! Suspense!] suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately [he took her out there so he could bang her. Whatever happened to romance?]. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree [was the tree laying on the floor? It probably was, but even so Tara made a literary fail]. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra [ :-O ]. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time [this sex scene brought to you by IKEA].
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm [she's very clinical about this. I can only assume she's never experienced a titular female orgasm]. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. [Wait for it...]
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” [Never a good thing to happen]
It was………………[wait for it... It's the line...]…………………………………….Dumbledore!
But it gets worse from here, dear reader! Can you believe it? Neither can I... This thing is not only a mess, but a horrible mess at that.
Until the next chapter!
Teddy
5 comments:
What? WHAT?!
That's the shittiest sex scene and most nonsensical turn of events I've ever read.
Still, you know what makes this even funnier? Her author's notes. In my mind, she sounds like an Ork from the Warhammer series. "Dem humies kip flammin' mah storie?!"
Damn it, now I'll make every single AN sound like an Ork! Thank you for that! Oddly enough, it does fit though.
Oh, if you think that's the worst sex scene you've ever read, you ought to look up Celebrian. Thousands upon thousands of words of the most boring porn you'll ever read, disguised as an LOTR fanfic.
Bloody hell, you weren't kidding with that Celebrian fic. I must admit I laughed out loud when he mentioned ice cream in Rivendell. Also, "the teeth will have to go" *facepalm*
Celebrian is... Something of a legend in fanfic land. A dubious legend of the sort you tell young children to stop them going to that old cottage at night.
I honestly have no idea what he had against her teeth. I can only assume that the writer had never been given head (and yes, it is a he). I'm more amazed by the preposterous size her breasts grow to. And the fact that she has the physical description of a Targaryen from A Song of Fire and Ice.
To be honest, I just want to scream THAT line at Tara. She'd make a good couple with xdark.rosesx though (the author of Starkis Prophecy).
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