Saturday, 18 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 3

Okie dokie, let's see what the violent bitch of this fic is upto now shall we, dear reader?


AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it [I wouldn't be]! thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls [apparently boys must have more sense when it comes to reading]!glad u like it [I don't, but that doesn't count]! oh an VINCENT [*resists urge to make Final Fantasy joke*] ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz [I think I may actually have missed that part, or I'd have remarked on it. Of course, it is just as likely that I did mention it and have forgotten. The mysteries of the mind, dear reader!]! one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off! [You mean apart from your asking people's opinions on your writing?]
Capter 3 – uncle larry
I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard [this particular mistake, while quite apropos, is fairly common in this fic] Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me [of course he will, you're a Mary Sue!]! But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me [yeah, I get angry when people make me combust at their touch too] and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off [I was unaware that you did tell him to fring off?], and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF [fair enough, that] anyways, even if she was a mean girl [how does she know?] with an ugly heart [again, how does she know? She's not frigging mentioned this!] and not that hawt [must she keep using that word? There are so many other words one could pick from]. But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range [50 meters, no less!]
"hello "
"hey, is that altantiana?"
"yah who is this?" I aksed.
"its Mike nooton from your class! I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -
"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked
"you mean bella [Bella's a cheerleader now?] and jessica's gang? Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. And they can be mean sometimes.-"
"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP [disproportionate retribution is disproportionate]!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike [maybe he wants to get to know you, you thick cow!]! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like [he also said you seem nice. He entirely deserves this abuse] - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran [what's cereal got to do with anything?] you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was [flirting: you're doing it wrong]!"
"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine [I imagine she'll break your neck through the phone for saying that, sir]. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around [then they can be just like Tiana] and forget there names and forget to brethe [I demand to be informed of the trail of dead bodies that must be around Tiana at all times]! How can't you have noticed that [because she's a daft cow?]? And I don't CARE how screwed up you are [you will if she kicks you in the shoulder the next time you try to help her]! It only maked you more interesting [the writer clearly has no idea of how men's minds work]! Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb [WHAT?! You're not supposed to agree with her! Here, dear reader, is another example of the power of Mary Sue] just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "
"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do [a 'thank you' would be far nicer, but it's not Tiana's fucked up style]" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was. [Naturally...]
"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy [so then WHY did you fly off the handle at him?!] but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen [because nobody is equal to his perfection. Nobody, I say! Ugh, I think I'm losing the will to live. Again]. Even though I was anger with edward [angry with, not anger with] than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore [that sounds icky], a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. I creamed myself [thanks for that lovely mental image. She must have thought about the mancarrot]. My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore [you'll get used to it. Just ask Enoby]. I was scared of the affect he had on me.
"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly [I'd have had a frigging heart attack.]
"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily [oh got, she's caught Tara-itis!]..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.
"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!" [Must be a George Foreman grill.]
"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking. [Not only does she bahave like a whore, she also dresses like one. Again, just like Enoby.]
"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!" [Like what, she's practically an adult! Apparently anyway.]
"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself! [True dat. She can kick people in their shoulders for god's sakes!]
Marie smiles and leaves the house. [And the tense switches to the present.]
"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face [Not only that, but he says 'greetings'. This is apparently not the slightest bit odd. I also like to think that he actually says that semicolon.]
"Hey - i said
"your the orphan arent you [he's very straight, isn't he?]" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you? [make that straight to the point of callousness]"
"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears [We're still, for some reason, in the present tense.]
"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly [That almost seems flippant.]
I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed [I don't get this. Anyone I know, myself included, would have told him to go fuck himself, and damn the consequences. And none of those people can deliver a kick to the shoulder. I must therefore conclude that Tiana's a coward]. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche [broken sentence is broken. Punctuation saves lives, dear reader]. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me [well, duh]! After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face [I can see a domestic abuse storyline coming up!]
"wft!" i shouted [He hit her so hard that she can't even get her internet slang in the right order.]
He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet [I bet you were] and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes [and we all know what's coming now!]. He touched my naked breats [as opposed to your clothed breats. You did say he pulled off your bra and top. Not that there was much to pull off in the first place] and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt [kick him in the shoulder!]. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour [I shouldn't laugh, but that's pretty funny. Must be the foreplay of rape in this universe] then he pulled my panties down [he didn't take them off during the half hour he was spanking her? Spanking: you're doing it wrong] and started to rape me! [And there was me thinking he was going to murder you or something.]
"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop [two tenses, one sentence. It's like the literary cousin of Two Girls, One Cup, and has a similar effect on the mind]! The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small [naturally. All rapists must, of course, have small penises]. I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours [he's got staying power, I'll give him that] and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face [seems kind of redundant] and left me there. I pulled on my clothes [if you really had been raped, a combination of pain, shame, and psychological trauma would keep you crying on the ground for hours. I can only, therefore, conclude that she was a willing partner, and this is a bizarre fantasy they often act out] and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed. [Have you been crying in this chapter, by any chance? 'Still weeping' would read far better, and break up the monotony.]
Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head [and made a nasty, pulpy mess on the ground] and my mark on my hand burned like a flame [it'd be funny if some smartarse walked up to her and cooked a marshmallow in the flame. I can imagine him eating it and then walking off without saying a word]. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,. [+1 for juxtaposition at least]
"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?- [I'm sorry, what are the dashes meant to signify here?]
"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark. [She woke up sometime later in an insane asylum. Actually she didn't, but that would be a nice twist.]

Until the next chapter!
Teddy

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