Saturday, 18 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 3

Okie dokie, let's see what the violent bitch of this fic is upto now shall we, dear reader?

AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it [I wouldn't be]! thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls [apparently boys must have more sense when it comes to reading]!glad u like it [I don't, but that doesn't count]! oh an VINCENT [*resists urge to make Final Fantasy joke*] ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz [I think I may actually have missed that part, or I'd have remarked on it. Of course, it is just as likely that I did mention it and have forgotten. The mysteries of the mind, dear reader!]! one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off! [You mean apart from your asking people's opinions on your writing?]
Capter 3 – uncle larry
I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard [this particular mistake, while quite apropos, is fairly common in this fic] Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me [of course he will, you're a Mary Sue!]! But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me [yeah, I get angry when people make me combust at their touch too] and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off [I was unaware that you did tell him to fring off?], and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF [fair enough, that] anyways, even if she was a mean girl [how does she know?] with an ugly heart [again, how does she know? She's not frigging mentioned this!] and not that hawt [must she keep using that word? There are so many other words one could pick from]. But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range [50 meters, no less!]
"hello "
"hey, is that altantiana?"
"yah who is this?" I aksed.
"its Mike nooton from your class! I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -
"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked
"you mean bella [Bella's a cheerleader now?] and jessica's gang? Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. And they can be mean sometimes.-"
"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP [disproportionate retribution is disproportionate]!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike [maybe he wants to get to know you, you thick cow!]! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like [he also said you seem nice. He entirely deserves this abuse] - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran [what's cereal got to do with anything?] you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was [flirting: you're doing it wrong]!"
"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine [I imagine she'll break your neck through the phone for saying that, sir]. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around [then they can be just like Tiana] and forget there names and forget to brethe [I demand to be informed of the trail of dead bodies that must be around Tiana at all times]! How can't you have noticed that [because she's a daft cow?]? And I don't CARE how screwed up you are [you will if she kicks you in the shoulder the next time you try to help her]! It only maked you more interesting [the writer clearly has no idea of how men's minds work]! Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb [WHAT?! You're not supposed to agree with her! Here, dear reader, is another example of the power of Mary Sue] just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "
"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do [a 'thank you' would be far nicer, but it's not Tiana's fucked up style]" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was. [Naturally...]
"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy [so then WHY did you fly off the handle at him?!] but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen [because nobody is equal to his perfection. Nobody, I say! Ugh, I think I'm losing the will to live. Again]. Even though I was anger with edward [angry with, not anger with] than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore [that sounds icky], a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. I creamed myself [thanks for that lovely mental image. She must have thought about the mancarrot]. My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore [you'll get used to it. Just ask Enoby]. I was scared of the affect he had on me.
"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly [I'd have had a frigging heart attack.]
"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily [oh got, she's caught Tara-itis!]..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.
"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!" [Must be a George Foreman grill.]
"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking. [Not only does she bahave like a whore, she also dresses like one. Again, just like Enoby.]
"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!" [Like what, she's practically an adult! Apparently anyway.]
"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself! [True dat. She can kick people in their shoulders for god's sakes!]
Marie smiles and leaves the house. [And the tense switches to the present.]
"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face [Not only that, but he says 'greetings'. This is apparently not the slightest bit odd. I also like to think that he actually says that semicolon.]
"Hey - i said
"your the orphan arent you [he's very straight, isn't he?]" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you? [make that straight to the point of callousness]"
"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears [We're still, for some reason, in the present tense.]
"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly [That almost seems flippant.]
I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed [I don't get this. Anyone I know, myself included, would have told him to go fuck himself, and damn the consequences. And none of those people can deliver a kick to the shoulder. I must therefore conclude that Tiana's a coward]. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche [broken sentence is broken. Punctuation saves lives, dear reader]. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me [well, duh]! After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face [I can see a domestic abuse storyline coming up!]
"wft!" i shouted [He hit her so hard that she can't even get her internet slang in the right order.]
He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet [I bet you were] and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes [and we all know what's coming now!]. He touched my naked breats [as opposed to your clothed breats. You did say he pulled off your bra and top. Not that there was much to pull off in the first place] and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt [kick him in the shoulder!]. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour [I shouldn't laugh, but that's pretty funny. Must be the foreplay of rape in this universe] then he pulled my panties down [he didn't take them off during the half hour he was spanking her? Spanking: you're doing it wrong] and started to rape me! [And there was me thinking he was going to murder you or something.]
"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop [two tenses, one sentence. It's like the literary cousin of Two Girls, One Cup, and has a similar effect on the mind]! The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small [naturally. All rapists must, of course, have small penises]. I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours [he's got staying power, I'll give him that] and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face [seems kind of redundant] and left me there. I pulled on my clothes [if you really had been raped, a combination of pain, shame, and psychological trauma would keep you crying on the ground for hours. I can only, therefore, conclude that she was a willing partner, and this is a bizarre fantasy they often act out] and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed. [Have you been crying in this chapter, by any chance? 'Still weeping' would read far better, and break up the monotony.]
Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head [and made a nasty, pulpy mess on the ground] and my mark on my hand burned like a flame [it'd be funny if some smartarse walked up to her and cooked a marshmallow in the flame. I can imagine him eating it and then walking off without saying a word]. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,. [+1 for juxtaposition at least]
"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?- [I'm sorry, what are the dashes meant to signify here?]
"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark. [She woke up sometime later in an insane asylum. Actually she didn't, but that would be a nice twist.]

Until the next chapter!


Sabertooth Screaming Lemur said...

Actually, rape victims all deal with their trauma very differently. So it's not unheard of to just want to get up and get out of there. It is a valid reaction, though I'm sure the "author" didn't give it that much thought.
The rest of your snark is spot on, just thought I'd point that fact out.

Post a Comment

Twitter Delicious Digg Stumbleupon Favorites