DC: My Immortal Chapt. 27, 28, 29, & 30

Someone said I looked like Jack the Ripper earlier today. Minus the top hat, of course. Perhaps I should explain: the North woke up to an incredible amount of fog this morning. Truly incredible. The first time I went out, I could barely see the path. I went out about two hours ago for a walk, to a small village quite near where I live. When I was seen walking through the fog, overcoat billowing out behind me, a total stranger said he thought I was Jack the Ripper. I responded with, "Aye, I've lost my top hat, however." And we did laugh together. That's what fog does, dear reader, it brings people together in merry wit! Now... Let's do some more My Immortal, because I can.


Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u [They're not very good vampires then.]
AN: u no wut [wut?]!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me [yes you do]!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport [she's a good sport. Pip-pip!] n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospita [deja vu]l rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

XXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them [her Suedom is starting to get painful]. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine. [Because they're all ill. Very, very ill.]
“Cum on Enoby.” said Proffesor Sinatra ["fly me to the moon!"]. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. “I have to tell you the fucking perdition.” [I'm afraid that sentence greatly fails. Then again 'perdition' is curiously apt for this fic.]

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded. [The hive mind is in effect yet again, dear reader.]
I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said……………………… “Tara [AHEM], I see drak times are near.” She said badly [everyone says everything badly in this fic]. She peered into da balls [hur hur]. “You see, you must go back in time [oh marvelous, we've got a time-travel plot now. In as much as there is a plot].” She took out a Time-Toner [I've got one of those] like B’loody Mary had. “When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken [bork, bork, bork. Also, if his hearth was broken, why didn't he just call a repairman?]. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love [I don't think it'd make the slightest difference. Voldemort had different motivations]?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him [OH GOD]. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him [he was always evil. Do you think Enoby would make any difference at all? She'd just infuriate him]. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”

“Okay.” I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin [what language was that?]. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Draco and Vampire. [Hive mind!]
“Yeah what happened?” asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? ["We... Are... One. We... Are... One."]

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond [as in rather friendly? Oo-er!]. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name [her name is very cheesy] and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him [her personal war against the 'prepz' is getting very silly]. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises. [Was... Was that a nod to the canon? Albeit a poorly executed one.]

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.

Chapter 28.

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok [said... Said what? And is it 'Relory' or 'Sinatra'?]!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi [I... I don't wanna know]!1111111

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak [we know] with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing [I wondered how long that would take] a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath. [Who dresses like that outside of the bedroom? No, really.]
I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

“Are you okay?” Vampir asked potting his albastard [how very apt] hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. [She always has to go one better. Or one stupider. But Harry Potter calling himself 'Vampire' and wearing black nail varnish is pretty fucking stupid.]

“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time”

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him. [Maybe he's unhappy because that means he'll have to make do with Harry's dick for a while instead of Enoby's vagina? I... Never thought I'd say that. But seriously, why is he upset? They've all had sex at some point anyway. It's not like Enoby's a nice person.]

“Itz okay Eboby.” he said finally. “But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?” [Here we go... Again with the paranoia.]
“Of coarse not!” I gasped.

“Really?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said. [I'm glad that's out of the way.]
We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. [Oh... Here we go again.]
Then………… I took off Draco’s MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants [oh. Here we do go again]. He was hung lik a stallone [What's Stallone hung like? Actually, I don't want to know]. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way [and that's a good thing? Also, we know]. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). [It gets on my tits when writers make things up just to fit current events. Then again, it's an insult to writers to call Tara one. Also, this would have been a prime opportunity for a threesome. But no, we have to settle for Harry filming a porno. I never thought I'd say that either.]

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock [o.0] in my you-know-what and passively we did it. [How can you possibly have sex passively? That defeats the whole object.]

“I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly [he may have found his vocation in life]. Suddenly………………………….

“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!” [More deja vu.]
It was………………………….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 [OH NOES!]
Chapter 29.

AN: sot das fok up [she's trying to speak German now]!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111

XXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. [They died from their gunshot wounds. The end.]
“CUM NOW [poor choice of words]!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily [my dirty mind is having a field day with this]. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket. [Pardon me? I don't speak pillock.]
“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily. [Is it just me, or do the characters regularly shoot each other?]
“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes [someone really needs to give those two a kick up the arse. Just to bring them back to reality and acceptability]. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da camera!1111” [At least he's TRYING to use logic. He's just failing rather miserably.]
Hahahaha [at least she didn't write 'lol'] the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.

“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle [she's defending Snape? I feel ill]. She made us cum [I bet she did...] into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit [ARGH] koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111). [There's nothing like derailing one's own narrative with utter idiocy.]

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz [The Vampire Chronicles? It does actually, now and again] raven sed so [why don't you read something? You may write better] ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic [a duel!]. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet [they must be almost at point-blank. They're terrible shots. It must be something to do with being wizards]. I took out my wand.

“Crosio [you're still doing it wrong]!” I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun [guns seem redundant given the existence of a killing curse]. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets [quick, use Swan Lake!]. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. [Words failed me several sentences ago.]
“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.” [Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE?!]

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 [Is it just me, or is everyone kinky?]
Chapter 30.

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok [I don't think you know either]!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass [I'd rather not, you're not my type]!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux [you would say that]. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“No!11” we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. [This could have been writted by a retarded machine. The stilted writing does point to that conclusion.]
Then…………………… he came tords Darko [Donnie?]!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. [Occultism: You're doing it wrong. And I should know.]
“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! [Don't they burn extremely painfully when Voldemort wills it? Ouch...]
He waved his wand and a nife came [hur hur?]. He gave da knife 2 me.

“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1” [Fo' shizzle. Incidentally, I've been stabbed. Not with a knife, but with a four-inch nail. It's painful, but she could stab him anywhere that's not a vital organ and he'd survive. Except the stomach. If you must know, I actually fell on the nail, and it was embedded to the head into my calf. I wasn't actually attacked by a loony wielding a nail.]

“No you fucking bastrad!1” I yielded. [That's defiant, not yielding. Also, 'yielding' is not a dialog tag.]
But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit [I'm beginning to detest Tara even more than I did before] koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive. [This fic makes me want to shoot myself. It's a good job I'm somehow still in a jovial mood.]
Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation [wrong word, damn you] dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire [occultism: You're still doing it wrong]. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage [that sounds quite nice. But it could never beat a physical massage. Because they're just plain niiiice...] to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

“Dumbeldork will get u!” Draco shooted. [I wish Bert would just get a standardised name.]
“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. [You know, I'm sure she took it out earlier... That may or may not be a euphanism, dear reader...]

“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico’s clothes. Just as he was about to rape him……………………. [Dun dun duuun?]
“Crosio!” I shited [very apt, once more] pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious [I shudder to think how she texts]. I stopped doing crucio. [You don't just 'stop' it.]
“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. [Snape's first name is Severus. So what's going on? No, seriously, what's going on?]
Snake ["Metal Gearrr..."] put the whip behind his bak. “Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing.” he lied [I've no idea what lesson could possibly warrant what he's been doing. Stripping a goth male, for example. And removing his pants]. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said ‘Come on Ebony let’s go.” [Ugh... That's so anticlimactic! We want blood and violence!]


Ok... There's not too much left, dear reader. But is does seem to be getting worse, does it not?  Bah, I'm off to play Dark Fall: The Journal. The perfect palet cleanser is a point and click game concerning the supernatural. Fantastic!

Until next time!
Teddy