Wednesday, 15 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 10, 11, & 12

This thing is slowly killing my will to live, so I've had three large whiskeys to make it more bearable. The world seems to be a happier place now.

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags [ooOOOOoooo!] if u donot lik ma story den fukk off [OK! *Teddy leaves. After 10 minutes he comes back, has another shot of whiskey, and politely tells Tara to get stuffed*]! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok [what? They... WHAT?!]!


I was really scared about Vlodemort all day [well, he is the Dark Lord. He legitimately should have killed you]. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666 [there are two subjects in this sentence, and they do not gel. This is very bad writing indeed, dear reader]. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar [of course]. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR [sounds absolutely terrible]. The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron [a canon name for a canon character, finally!] (although we call him Diabolo now [fuck]. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid [yeah, just throw Hagrid in there, it's no problem]. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming [why do I get the feeling that happens a lot? And why do I get the feeling 'depressed' was actually code for 'horny and up for some bumfun'? Enoby clearly doesn't see that] and we wrote songs instead [using the combined knowledge of music that they don't have in the canon. There again, nothing is canon in this tale]. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too [remember this. Seriously, remember that statement] and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that [yet she repeatedly uses it through the rest of the fic. I may actually have pointed this out before. However, that may be the booze affecting my memory]) or a steak [rare or well done?]) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride [come on, that's not a depressing film at all. I rather like it actually]. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs [slut] and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt [SLUT. SLUT. SLUT.]. You might think I’m a slut [it's uncanny] but I’m really not [yes she is. Even if she dressed like she wasn't, you only need to look at how she acts during the rest of the fic. And even up to this point. Banging a guy who takes you into a forest on your first date? Come on].

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears [yeah, that song offends my musical sensibilities too, Enoby. It's OK].

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice [concerted? Has she multiplied?].

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily [I think you need to be executed. Messily. With a rusty spoon]. And then I said. “[Clusterfuck coming up, dear reader!] Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!” I burst into tears.
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!” (c is dat out of character [slightly less I suppose. But yes. Yes it is. Very. Still]?)

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. [I think people are crying. Call it intuition.]

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache. [Aww... He's not gonna swear!]

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely [not another one crying. Wisely too. Impressive, I must say]. (c dats basically nut swering [no it bloody well isn't!] and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y [there's a thick line between foreshadowing and incompetence. Guess which side Tara's on]) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.” ["I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that.)" What. The. Fuck? Did he slit them with a cross or a steak? How do you even cut ANYTHING with a steak?!]

Chapter 11.

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid [HINT: It is srupid]!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus [heh... Just you wait and see what these serious issues are. They aren't as serious as the thinks for reasons I shall shortly go into]! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!


“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off [at least she didn't kick her in the shoulder] and I ran to my room crying myself [as opposed to crying someone else]. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way [subtle hint has no subtlety].

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists [that seems rather redundant when one is crying blood. I do, however, know why one slits one's wrists She's doing it wrong]. They got all over my clothes [your wrists?] so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume [listening to that would make me even angrier]. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide [how does one commit suicide with a steak, short of choking on it? Yes, I know what she means, but I'm having far too much fun]. I was so fucking depressed [no shit?]! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly [s-sandly?! lolwut?]. I put on black high heels [yup, we all dress like slags on a Saturday night when our lovers kill themselves] with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me [LOL]! And Loopin was masticating to it [EPIC LOL. This gives me a vision of Lupin chewing something with a determined look on his face]! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS [actually, they're not. This is the 'serious issue'. When we consider that Enoby is meant to be English (god forbid...) in this story, she is over the age of consent for a British citizen, which is 16. Enoby is 17, which means she's fair game. Fair enough, perving's legally dubious, but they're NOT PEDOPHILES. This could have taken Tara less than 5 minutes of research Not everyone is American, dear] OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

“Abra Kedavra [fail]!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb [uh?!]. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times [how many clips does she carry?!] and they both started screaming and the camera broke [why are they even using a camera? I thought wizards didn't use muggle gear]. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO [Darth Vader, when did you get here?]!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom [he ran on his broom?] and said everyone we need to talk [I'll ignore that].

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student [wrong in two ways]!”

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST [see what I mean by Tara pulling this out of her arose whenever she needs an excuse for something?]!”

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him [Dumblydore didn't shoot him, that was the fairly overzealous Enoby]. “There must be other factors.” [Did... Did something happen that Tara didn't tell us? What's going on?]

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

["ANY WHAT?!" Jack shouted, his face up close to hers.]

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there [call me an amateur, but you don't declare it in front of everyone]!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood [she still remembers what she is. It doesn't last].

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. [I really didn't want to know his hands were dirty, thank you very much.]

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him [what?]. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said [what's going on?!] and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. [That would... How would that even work?]
“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. [WHAT?!]

“Because I LOVE HER!” [Not another one. "Not a Mary Sue" my ARSE.]
Chapter 12.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo [is he? Is he really? Do the FUCKING research] 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat [1: We're not in America. 2: No they're not] I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric [if he turns into Cullen, I'm going to go berserk with an axe] ok!


I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him [when did he give it to her? Wait, that came out wrong...]. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together [yup, the fic's started to lose what little coherence it had. Get used to my not knowing what's going on].

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid [she forgot about the Caps Lock] but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up [oh noes!]! You could only see his red whites [that seems... Yeah...].

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!” [What the FUCK does that have to do with Enoby slitting her wrists? Seriously.]

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted. [Why shout it? Is there really a need?]
“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation [but chicks dig scars?].” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt [we know!]! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!” [Please no Voldemort/Draco yaoi. PLEASE. Wait... Isn't he meant to be dead?]

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists [a 7th year could heal that easily]. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID [why the caps for his name?] were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles [no, they're not] and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz [oh dear...]. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked [that sounds painful .And awkward]. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig [sounds like he's been drinking. Can't say I blame him].” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway [remember the description of her coffin? It's got a pink lining], and I don’t like fucked up preps like you [I thought he was a SATANITS?].” I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep [what?!]?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses. [Well, red roses ARE more traditional.]

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong [yes. And so is everything in that sentence other than 'is']) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly. [Whatevah!]

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses [yes, you mentioned that. Department of Redundancy Department to Chapter 12, please!].” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! . [Speech marks? Caps? What's going on?]

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely. [Arrogant bitch.]
“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!” [Oh. Dear. God.]

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black [quick, get the Department of Redundancy Department again!]. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep. [Yup, he being a SATANITS wasn't enough for Enoby.]

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako [it's a misspelled name]?”

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame ["Great balls of fire!"] but I could c nothing.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said [has he been there the whole time?], watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES [that's really not good at all] GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?” [I'm sorry, was that meant to be a sentence? What language was it?]
“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back. [Like 'motherfucker'.]

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off! [I honestly think everyone's seen The Ring]) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss. [God DAMN these dressing scenes!]

“You look kawai [oh no... Not Fangirl Japanese...], girl.” B’loody Mary said sadly. “Fangs (geddit [ugh...]) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood [how lovely. By the way, the whole Vampire thing? You're doing it wrong]. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time [I thought they were in the infirmary?]. I went to some classes [not all of them then]. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures [a new class to teach wizards and witches how to dress the hair of magical creatures]. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff. [So THAT'S what they're there for!]

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way. [What a dull conversation I can see coming.]
We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other. [Draco's being kept in bondage by Voldemort, but his girlfriend's busy fucking Harry. Can you say 'slut'? I sure can.]
“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else. [Yup. Everyone watched them have sex. It's like the porno that never was.]

“Vampire you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco [you clearly don't, as you're willingly banging him. Also, what's with the past tense?]!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

[And now, dear reader? Now it's time for Groundhog Day.]

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”




HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I [This isn't the last we hear of the titular sweater.]

And now I need more whiskey. Until next time!


Mystic Lover of Fairy Tales said...

I have never seen " The Ring" and even I know who the hell Samara is Tara probably didn't know that the movie was Japanese first and I know more Japanese from her just from watching J-dramas on YouTube

Anonymous said...

The worst part is, it's 16 in the majority of the US, too. Blame Hollywood for perpetuating the belief that everyone on Earth lives in California.

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