Monday, 6 December 2010

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 1

Oh boy... My Immortal. This thing is legendarily appalling. It... I...

*Teddy composes himself*

Ok... It's a Harry Potter badfic. It's very, VERY bad. I'm sure if you want to read the whole thing through, it's only a quick google search away. This thing is something of a dubious legend. It's also got a TVTropes drinking game which I did on Saturday. I actually don't remember much, but I anticipated that and left a note on my own bedside table telling me that I'd made some notes as I went along. I just can's find them. It's written by what could either be a very thick goth girl (called Tara Gilesbie) or the world's best troll. I'm actually going with the former, otherwise it'd be a little too perfect.

My comments will be in [bold red in square brackets], rather like that. Here we go...

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) [that's terrible] 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. [you had HELP with the spelling and it still looks like THIS?!] U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2![I'll ignore that] MCR ROX![and that]


Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way [what a lovely name. Now, why do you have an apostrophe right in the middle of it?] and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) [as opposed to ebony-pink hair? Also, your parents named you after the hair you had? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but we are usually born either bald or with one colour hair, which will fall out and be replaced by your natural hair colour. Were your parents dense or psychic?] with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!) [Evanescence? What joy, I have Tara's permission to stay]. I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie [you... want to be related to someone because he's hot? That's mildly scary. People don't normally perv on their relatives]. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white [of course. I suppose her being a vampire was only natural. Also, this is another rung in the disturbing trend of authors (and I use that term loosely here) removing all monstrous traits in vampires, to make them more sympathetic. See Twilight. Actually, don't. That's a bad idea, as it is thoroughly awful]. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England [Scotland, but she's probably American and so won't know the difference] where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth [REALLY?!] (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black [goths do tend to do that, you really don't need to inform us of the fact]. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there [For those of you outside the Americas, that's an American breed of shop. Presumably they cater to goths and the like. For the record, I've nothing against goths at all. I don't have anything against emos either, so long as they stay the hell out of my way]. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow [the clothing descriptions get MUCH longer, trust me. Also, she sounds like a goth prostitute]. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining [do you mean sleet? That's the closest we can get to that] so there was no sun [it was nasty out, and therefore there was NO sun? I'm not even going to get started on that. I can assume this is someone who isn't used to the weather we get in the United Kingdom], which I was very happy about [I'll bloody bet she doesn't turn to ash in sunlight though, like vampires are SUPPOSED TO DO]. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them [most people'd be happy for the attention, but not Ebony! Also, I'm going to assume preps are people rather like you or I].

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! [get used to the dramatic pauses. Get used to the out of character (OOC) Draco as well]

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly [awww, do I sense some unresolved sexual tension? I think I do. In fact, I KNOW I do].

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away [that was an anticlimax].


AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
[No. I'm rather afraid it isn't]

Oh lord, I can feel my IQ dropping already. It gets worse, believe you me.

Until the next chapter!


Alyss Hawk said...

It's actually the best chapter of all of them (spelling-wise) except for hacked chapter 1.

Anonymous said...

I feel compelled to point out that strictly speaking, no, vampires aren't supposed to do that. The whole sunlight thing was invented by Nosferatu. The original legends contain no mention of it whatsoever, Otherwise, though, good commentary.

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