Sunday, 26 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 7

Right, this is strange... Despite drinking a full bottle of red wine, three glasses of corked red wine  (before someone noticed it was corked. By which point we'd drank nearly all of it), three glasses of sherry, half a bottle of pure Russian vodka, and four pints of beer, I managed to wake up without a hangover this morning. I've celebrated by getting nicely drunk again. And by doing a DC of the Twilight crapfic. Possibly because I love you all. Indeed, I do value every single reader I have. As a side note, I'm surprised even an average of 30 people a day read my inane ramblings here. More likely, however, is that I feel masochistic at the moment. I did yesterday as well, but I was too busy watching Black Books. I've got the theme tune stuck in my head. It's a good job I like it, and was even dancing to it yesterday. At least, I think I was. Anyway, let's get cracking! Oh... And Merry Boxing Day!

thanx for the revews! [At least she's somewhat polite. I suppose. There's a degree of hypocrisy in there somewhere. Can you guess how, dear reader?]
Chapter 7 - Surprises! [I like surprises. I'm not entirely sure I'll enjoy surprises coming from this writer, however. Although I guess it'd make a change.]
I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute [the depths of Hell. It's the only explanation]. I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly. [Aren't they wondering where Larry disappeared to? Also, she needs to watch the motherfucking tenses. It's really starting to infuriate me now.]
"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness. [This seems to be a bit of a pattern with her. I'll bet she actually doesn't look nice though. Maybe it's just me though... I'm more into natural beauty, dear reader.]
I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent [does she look like a vampire, by any chance?]! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before. My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac. I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed [suspend your disbelief, dear reader. I'm actually going to defend that, believe it or not. Traditionally (and I'm a big aficionado of vampire legends and stories) one becomes far more beautiful after being turned. It's because a vampire traditionally relies on sheer beauty to lure prey. That and brute strength and telepathic/manipulative abilities. Still, it's just be a general aura coupled with pale skin. So the rest fails]. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked [sounds very sudden and painful] me out of my silent staring. Dave answered it.
"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable [I've no idea what that's supposed to mean. Possibly 'inconsiderate'? Although, looking at the context, I doubt it]!" and he hung up
"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling [Would you smile if your partner had obviously had bad news? I thought now.]
"uncle larry is died [tenses, DAMN IT!], it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast [what wild animal would clinically break a man's neck and drink his blood?]! I feel so sad! he was my brother" [One could make a brilliant plot out of this: he could investigate his death and slowly discover it was Tiana. Why the writer doesn't do this, I'll never know. Then again, I'm slightly drunk, so this could be an awful idea.]
I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school [her adopted parents obviously don't think that's unusual]. I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist [I've never heard him abusing foreigners] and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me [spanking is a sign of kinky couples where I come from] and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him! I was going to explode with guilt [I wish she would explode]. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear [I hope it eats her] - a big panda bear [you don't get them in North America]! it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen. [I'm glad she noticed that at least.]
"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK [those questions needed to go the other way around. Also, why has a panda been included anyway?!]? I was totally confused [You're not the only one.]
"WTF?" i screamed! [I'd have swore in full, but that's just me.]
"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna [great, another strange name] but you can call me Snoofles." [How cutesy. I feel ill.]
"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiusly [I'd be more confused than furious.]
"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me [oh dear]. You can talk to animals [it'd be better if she found out on her own]. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet" [Likewise. The presence of a panda still hasn't been explained.]
"like watt?" i said
"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me. I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers [That seems like a useless power. Also, vampires are not magicians]. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames [that's more like a vampire. I always thought pyrokinesis would be a brilliant ability]. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling! [Said like a true Mary Sue.]
"OMG, how is this possible?" i said
"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol [oh dear...]" said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?" [Aww... Now that is cute.]
"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"
"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"
I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles [yeah... That's understandable]. I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.
in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes [no shit?]. i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me [hur hur] realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light. Lauren came over to me and tries [TENSES] to hit me over the face with her balls [hur hur] and I slapped her in the face.
"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch ['Tudor' has never worked as an insult]!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag [Marvelous, she's got a saggy face. That speaks wonders for the rest of her body.]
"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever [Does it matter?]
"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!" [Nothing wrong with being pale and delicate, but we won't quibble.]
I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital. [I love the way no-one seems to notice or care.]
I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren. I was sat there wearing [OH GOD, NO!] a very short leather mini-dress [I've actually only ever seen jackets, coats, and skirts made of leather (other than footwear). Where do these Mary Sues get their leather thongs/tops/etc. from?!] and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it. Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me
"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen [we could tell. You should do something about your terrible command of Old English]!" said edward. i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way [very manly] and fell over onto the floor [equally manly]. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute. [I can imagine this being read aloud in an utter deadpan voice. It's really quite funny.]
"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness [I really am getting tempted to make a post just to teach people how Old English works]. Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward
"I killed someone Ewadrd [that's an impressive typo]! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"
"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren [ARGH!]" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me [Tenses. Please sort them out.]
"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!" [Aye, he's a true gentleman, so WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO HIM?!]
"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped [I'm sure we've been over this.]
"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing [and this]! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre [that mistake enrages me] choice right now!"
"I choose thee Atlantnina ["Pikahu, I choose you!"]! Bella is a big mean cow [hey, that's my language! Except less mature] and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!" [Yeah, there's nothing like leaving the girl you've been with for a while for a girl you barely know. Also, what the fuck?]
He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect. I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear [presumably with an amusing squeak as you took your leather off] and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.
"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"
"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice
I found some handcuffs on a bench [WHAT?!] and I tied him to a hook [kinky]. he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing ['penis'. Is it so difficult just to say that word?]. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen [it doesn't sound it] and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth [marvelous. The sex scenes are worse than Celebrian, somehow. And yes, I was drunk when I read it]. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical [it turned her into a pixie. I can speak for every man with this statement: ours doesn't do that]. Sodenly a voice came from behind me
It was Bella Swan! [Obviously.]

Well, that was thoroughly awful. I've also had at least three more miscellaneous drinks since I started writing this episode. Bah. Merry Boxing Day!

Until next time!


Brandi Hayes said...

You spelled "Pikachu" wrong. xD

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