Thursday, 23 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 6

Well, more spare ribs and whiskey means it's yet again time for some more Twilight crapfic. Actually, I'm more being fueled by twiglets, considering I've been gorging myself on them all day. The amount I've been drinking and eating recently, especially given that this is Christmas, I'm actually amazed I've put on no weight whatsoever. I seem to be maintaining a healthy 11 stone. Very healthy for my height. Marvelous. Anyway, let's get cracking. This one's actually not too long, thank christ.

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. [I doubt it. Especially because this thing craps out and ends at chapter 8. Presumably she was murdered before she could finish.]
Chapter 6 - the curse [I could make roughly 5000 jokes about curses in relation to this fic. Therefore, I'll leave them to your imagination, dear reader.]
-Oh ewdard with your skin so white
Your eyes like amber out of sight
Pale angel in my eyes
Hair like gold rosy sunrise- [It works. I suppose.]
I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself [she's falling into and out of love so many times that I'm getting very dizzy indeed]. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings [there's hundreds of ways one can get rid of one's feelings. I'm sure you know about most of them, dear reader. The writer, however, only knows of the cheesy one]. Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance [it's never nice when that happens]. A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. [We could have inferred that from the information given. People that read aren't idiots. Well, I'd argue that most people that enjoyed Twilight are idiots, but I digress.]
"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned
"who are you?" i wispa quietly
"i am your FATHER [I wonder what that line's from?]! I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI [well, at least she's remembering what universe she's writing in]! Your in terror and peril my daugher! Beware the vampire boy called edward!" [I saw that one coming.]
"why?" I said [Because he's a twat.]
"you mussent let him sex you [oh lord] or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on'll become a VAMPIRE [plot hook, dear reader! That's a really obvious one as well]! And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door. [And I wonder what he's going to do! Actually, I don't wonder. It should be obvious.]
"take ur clothes off now [yup, that's what he's going to do] you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles [oh joy, we're jumping tenses again] horribly with his yellow teeth
"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed [kinky. These chains weren't mentioned before]. I new he was going to rape me again [no shit?]. But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks [tenses. Sort them the fuck out] him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD! [We could have gathered.]
"omg my sweet lady [oh dear]" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole [oh double dear] been doing to thee?"
"he's been raping me [I thought he was rapping you? Fo' shizzle] and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me [he's already seen you naked. You've nothing to hide, and we know Ewdard's no gentleman], and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.
"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" [My brain hurts. I think the cheese is hurting me.]
"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask
" Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly [I've already said that he's no gentleman. He also seems to be fairly rude. Hypocrite]. Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody [canon. Marvelous] but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt [something to do with electricity?] made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."
"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said. [Actually, it doesn't. Nothing was explained.]
We left the house and went to walk in the woods [as you do]. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon [obviously]. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic. [Obviously. This is a Sue-fic after all.]
"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say [I don't think she's quite got the point. Also: clichés are clichéd.]
"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death [she'd be responsible for her death. You'd just be the stimulus]! I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady [Tiana is not sweet. Not be any definition of the word]. And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire. [When did she find this out anyway? I only ask because there was no real reaction. At all. Also, if he's so strong, why did he hit Larry with a stick?]
"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore [Probably acid heartburn.]
"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too [yeah, just throw that in there].
I retched out [yuck] and grabbed his hard throbbing male object [oh dear]. We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love [FINALLY! She used 'made love'! But this is still silly]. It was amazing and lasted hours [that's quite some stamina. Or maybe impotence] and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.
"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away. [Oh noes, she is going to become teh vampire!]
I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me.i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent [yes, it's because you're turning]. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex [and she's lost what little sophistication she'd gained] with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away [you'd be bewildered and terrified if you turned. That's often the most difficult thing for a writer to get right, so I'll cut her some slack here]. I even wanted to drink blood!and i could smell a human comin closer [it's amazing how many writers don't make use of a vampire's superior sense of smell, so credit there], he was almost here
"There you are you horrid SLUG [very creative. Also, no-one talks like that]!" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!" [All of these characters are morons. Does he not care that someone stormed in on him and knocked him out? Bah, he's got a one track mind.]
Something in me snaped [Snape? What are you doing in this fic? Get back to your own badfic!]. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood [show, don't tell. A writer should always describe what happens, rather than flatly telling the reader. This is very bad writing]! i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong [yes, we all know how strong vampires are]!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead! [Yeah, because some people can easily survive having their necks broken and their blood drained. Therefore, she felt the need to tell us.]

I swear this thing is getting worse. it's getting so bad that I can't even remember the comments I've previously made, simply because I've had to make so many of them. Bah, it gets worse, I assure you. Hopefully I can move onto something vaguely more competent after the final two chapters of this are done. Like Deserving! Or... Or something that's got nothing to do with Harry getting Snape pregnant. And I wish I was joking.

Until next time!


Brandi Hayes said...

Why did you spoil that for us?? We haven't gotten that far!! We only care because there's so much random crap going on that if we're gonna flip shit, it's nice to do so in context. xD

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