Monday, 20 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 4

Thanks to this fic, I've had to drink far too early in the day. It's not even Christmas yet, there's no excuse! Righty, let's get cracking I suppose... Also, my little blinking cursor has inexplicably vanished, so this could potentially lead to things taking forever and my getting utterly infuriated.

 [Before we begin, I'd like to draw your attention to something, dear reader. You know how Tiana ran into the forest and her head exploded with white light? And then she saw some dude and her world went black? Yeah, we've skipped ahead a little, for no explainable reason. I half expected it not to be mentioned again, ala My Immortal. It, however, is.]

AN = No flames pls, theres no point [I've given up responding to these]!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that [I'll respond to this though: how are we supposed to know it'll be crap before we read it? *Teddy looks up at the title* Oh yeah...]! btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her [actually, every character we see apears to like her in some way. Even Larry, if you know what I mean]! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible[you do realise being perfect is not the only thing that constitutes a Mary Sue?].u flamers arent even makin sense1 [My irony sense is tingling. In fact, it's practically on fire.]
Chapter 4 - la push
I sat quitely on the la push beech [I love how we've skipped ahead in time, for NO REASON!] apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy [a pulpy what?] and he was so borin [my irony sense has practically exploded now]! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy [never stopped you before]. My thoughts were elsewhere - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me [why aren't you in shock or denial? WHY, DAMNIT!?] and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter [I bet it's Darth Vader]. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped [fo' shizzle, yo] by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy [bullshit] and for marriage [double bullshit. Look how she first acted with Ewdard] and my virginity [triple bullshit. Congratulations, you win the coveted 'bullshit' label!] was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry
"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing [I actually misread that as 'eating'. No,  I've no idea how either] Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl [why's he going out with a hare?] who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything
"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome [no she's not] and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow [a lot of people are accused of being shallow in this fic. My psychology sense is tingling] and stupid like your all ways are"
"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth [people actually comment on her clothes, unlike in My Immortal] biaach with her slutty top [someone finally noticed and called her out on it! I'm so happy!] and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER [I am over the moon that someone actually commented on it. Take note, My Immortal!] or what?" Jessica screamed. She was realy ugly when she shouted [most people are] even though she was technology [o.0] a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes. [Oh joy. A hypocrite.]
"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts [my hypocrite sense is tingling now. Can he not see how Tiana's dressed?]!" mike shouted
"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge [oh lord], I bet they are fake [yup, I'll just ignore that]!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.
I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked [yes, you do look like waste] I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable [completely the wrong word, there]. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else [yeah, let's ignore how she's been so far, shall we? No, really. The writer's going to] because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person [then start acting like one. Seriously]! I could'nt help being slim and blond [you're currently not really blonde] with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong! [Apart from hurling abuse at all and sundry and kicking a guy in the shoulder when he was trying to help her. Nope, nothing wrong at all.]
-are u ok?" said someone from beside me
"who arr you [great, she's a pirate now]?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls [OH GOD NO] were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back
-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling [they said at the same time? We are dealing with the hive mind, dear reader. Or possibly the Master from Fallout] "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?" [Now it sounds as if there's more than one Tiana. That's a horrible thought.]
"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly [that spelling is hilarious] cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said [They also said you're a slut. Since you didn't mention it, I can only assume you think you are one. Which you are.]
"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities " [Oh god, it's like a gang of people to vindicate her Sue-dom. This fic is terrible.]
"cool" I said, and we talked for hours
I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours [yes, you mentioned that] and they were so cool. I'd never had proper freinds [probably because you kick people who try to help] before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool [yes, you mentioned that as well] and we had loads of stuff in common! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech [why are you up a tree? Or sat on one?]. It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again [wait... If she's so clearly not been damaged by it, why hasn't she rang the authorities?]. Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.
"well tiaa, thou [guess who...] seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy [I'm genuinely starting to think that's a bastardized version of soy-sauce. How can someone spell the same word wrong in the same way so consistently without it being deliberate?] and from another time [yeah, the first half of the 1900's. When people didn't speak like that]. Edward.
"what do you mean!" I demanded [Isn't it obvious?]
"basically every gay [an unfortunate typo] at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck. [He's persistent, I'll give him that.]
"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre [*Teddy's blood boils*] girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone [true. So why doesn't she?]. Tyfanni [read that as two words. It has comedic value] told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"
"OMG [deary me, he's not very good at this, is he?] SWEET LADY! THY [THOU] MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness [was it a moment of blasphemy too?] thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine [wrong tense, damnit! And it'd be the wrong word anyway!] can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is [he seems quick to accept that, even though he's throwing himself at Tiana], no matter how much thou [argh...] intrests me"
"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down [OOC Edward: just... I actually don't know anymore] on the grind. I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly [WHAT?! WHY?!] i didnt even try to resist him. He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him ['have sex', not just 'sex'] and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear. I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts. ["These are breasts", she said, indicating them.]
"have sex with me now edward " I whispered
" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples [Ewdard hurts my brain. Rationale does not exist in relation to his actions.]
"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore [well, I'm glad you admitted it] but unable to control my burning desire
-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying. [Again, she has no idea how a man's mind works. I'm also assuming this is set before Edward bangs Bella with the Sparkledick, so I'm equally assuming he's not had sex for a long while. Is this, therefore, a rational response on his part? Bear in mind how he's been acting with Tiana through the fic. It makes no sense.]
I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me [neither can I, especially how he's acted. What happened to romance?] and even worse he had said no [I give up on the pair of them, I really do]! I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside [long sentence is enormous]. Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep. [I wish something vaguely interesting would happen. Where's the plot? I demand a plot!]

Oh dear, that wasn't fun. And my cursor's still missing. Shall we do some My Immortal as well? Ah, why not!

Until next time!


Brandi Hayes said...

So my friend and I had a history teacher named Mr. Watt. Please reread this while picturing a relatively short, middle-aged, rather chunky man in place of the word "what", which should be there. Oh dear god... :D

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