Tuesday, 14 December 2010

DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 2

Bah, it's time for chapter 2 of this badfic! I've got some booze to alleviate the pain.

AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw [incredibly, you sound surprised]. u totall D*** [if you're GOING to be abusive, at least do it properly. I find it quite amusing that, in a fic with so much sex, the obscures the word 'dick'] no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave [you DID ask for people's opinions].
Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue [yes she is], she's not "perfect" look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on [at least she's trying to justify herself. It's not going very well though].
Chapter 2 - edward
The anger faded form my sapphire eyes
"whatevah" [whatevah!] i said sweatily [how can you say something sweatily?] "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride" [I don't mean to be ride either.]
"thou [oh god, not another one!] are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping [cockdrop?! Is that like a cunt punt?] the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled [why would you injure someone for paying you a compliment anyway? Sounds like somebody's a wee ungrateful].
"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee [I'll reiterate, why is he talking like this? He was born in the 1900's, not 1500's. Also, Ewdard is a funny name]?"
"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa [everyone I know would just say 'Tiana Loren', and only give the full hideous name if asked]" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes [and she thinks she's unattractive to plain] but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical [she doesn't think his eye colour is unusual? Because she really should].
"thou reminds me of bygone times [oh god almighty!]" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""
["Thy face is like an old painting, thou art exceptional", damn it!]
"your not so shanky yourself [eh... Doesn't she find his manner of speech a trifle odd? Especially because it's wrong in three ways!] but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF [great, another one that speaks silly-language], you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails [you carved a notch into them? Sounds painful. Or kinky].
"thee DID notice me then [thou didst]?" he purred with a sly grin. I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now [wait, how did that happen?]. He wanted to sex me [have sex. Not just 'sex'] I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me [regardless of how much I detest Twilight and bloody vegetarian vampires, Edward wouldn't act like that]! I felt like my slim legs would break in half [that would be amusing] and my heart expanded like a big balloon [did it burst out of your chest with a wet pop? Did you then die painfully?]. I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top [think about what he's supposed to be for a minute. He's a vampire. With that fact in mind, where do you think his hand would stop? I'll give you a clue: he'd stop before he reached her tits]. He stoked my breasts [sounds painful. That's a very unfortunate typo] for a few minutes and his man-carrot [o.0] standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs [man-carrot! Hahahahaha!]. And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it [I'll ignore that] on the floor. We made out for 10 minutes [you'd think their mouths'd get tired. I can only assume they're very used to it, and that has very unfortunate connotations] and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you [you already have]? I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me [well, that's probably all of your sexual tension then, dear] and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt [he's hawt. We get it already] with sexoy hair and cold as death [being cold as death isn't really a reason]! I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions [+1 for appealing to my morality at least].
-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed
"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, [I'm sorry, is this supposed to be Edward?] and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT [ugh...] I was totally creaming my panties ["and I jizzed in my pants"] and he NEW it, this was horible! I felt disguised with myself [who are you disguised as?] and turned to leave.
"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes "your one of my kind [does she sparkle?] . who made thee [the term is 'sired', but we won't quibble over terms]?are you part of a coven or on thou own ["thy own"!]?
"what-is said sharply -dude your insane [I'm sorry, that makes no sense]! And you freakin SMELL [how very childish]! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)
"thy a CAMPIRE [hahaha!] tia! a VAMPIRE [I thought she was a Campire?]! BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND [because she's a Campire? I've no idea if he can in the canon though]? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN [Jesus, get over it!]!"
He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red [can they do that in the canon? I've no idea]. I schlepped him hard across the face [o.0] and tried to leave but he caught my waste [how disgusting] and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall [you shouldn't be doing that while fighting!] where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall [I've punched a wall so hard that I've left a dint in it. It's not exactly difficult]. His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick [Teddy snorted in laughter] between his legs and he drubbed over in pan [uh?]. I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away [yeah, you rug away, Tiana] to math, but edward hand finished with me [his hand finished you? That's a rather kinky fight].
"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes [good shot! It's also an inventive use of a shirt]. I lost my sight [must be powerful if it blinded her] and was behind me breathing into my ears [this sentence reads as if she was behind herself breathing into her own ears].
"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes "i didnt mean to rut thee! I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!" [Not half as weird as you are, sir.]
"YOUR so frickin weird you mean [true dat. Minus that irritating mistake with 'your']!" I snaped [when did Snape get here?] whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body [are crying men supposed to be hawt?]. I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT [wow, an Anne Rice reference. I'm impressed. Also, Lestat could kill those two in less than a minute. The rest of the Cullens, too. Bloody neighborhood-friendly vampires...] just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises [plunder her crevices? Speak plainly, woman!] but i didnt. I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class [coup de grace does not exist in fanfic land. Also, how has no-one noticed any of this?!]. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)then I fell over. The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak [slightly harsh] called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. I kicked him in the sholder [so he's being nice and helping you up, and you respond by KICKING HIM IN THE SHOULDER?! When I finally write Greed, I think I'll have Banwyn kill someone called Tiana, just so I can alleviate my growing hatred of her. Seriously, where's the fucking rationale?] (kung fu babie!)as he gazed longingly after me. In his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean [it means he's crazy and you're a slag].
AN what do u think PLEASE R n R [it's shit and Tiana's a violent Mary Sue]?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in! [I... Words fail me]) LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x

If someone helped you up from the floor (bearing in mind that it was your own fault you were there), would you respond by kicking said person in the shoulder? I'm starting to hate Tiana.

Until next time!


Brandi Hayes said...

I agree with you on that note. Tiana is completely ridiculous and a 'waste of space'. I can't believe I just read the next chapter. Kudos to your Lonely Island reference–that was genius! ^^

Brandi Hayes said...

So my friend and I have been losing our shit for the past half hour now just reading this chapter alone. Second if all...c-a-m-p-f-i-r-s-o-n-g song! :D

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