365 Project Has Commenced!

Aye, dear reader, that is correct. I have started the dreaded 365 project. The dreaded project that insane photographers take. The dreaded project where one must take an art-worthy photograph every day. I shall almost certainly regret starting this, but no doubt I shall feel incredible relief this time next year, when I shall have finished. Wish me luck, dear reader!

I'll be making another post just after midnight pertaining to the New year, so see you all then!
Teddy


Oh, afore I forget, you can follow the project at my dA Account, or my 365 account. I'll also be making irregular posts here bringing you up to speed on my images.

That be a self portrait! Maybe I'll finish with one as well, give the thing a bit of roundness.

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DC: My Immortal Chapt. 27, 28, 29, & 30

Someone said I looked like Jack the Ripper earlier today. Minus the top hat, of course. Perhaps I should explain: the North woke up to an incredible amount of fog this morning. Truly incredible. The first time I went out, I could barely see the path. I went out about two hours ago for a walk, to a small village quite near where I live. When I was seen walking through the fog, overcoat billowing out behind me, a total stranger said he thought I was Jack the Ripper. I responded with, "Aye, I've lost my top hat, however." And we did laugh together. That's what fog does, dear reader, it brings people together in merry wit! Now... Let's do some more My Immortal, because I can.


Chapter 27. vampirz wil never hurt u [They're not very good vampires then.]
AN: u no wut [wut?]!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me [yes you do]!1111 so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven 4 ur luv n sport [she's a good sport. Pip-pip!] n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzd n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospita [deja vu]l rraven u rok gurl!11111111111111111111

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Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them [her Suedom is starting to get painful]. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine. [Because they're all ill. Very, very ill.]
“Cum on Enoby.” said Proffesor Sinatra ["fly me to the moon!"]. She was wearing a gothic blak leader dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. “I have to tell you the fucking perdition.” [I'm afraid that sentence greatly fails. Then again 'perdition' is curiously apt for this fic.]

I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded. [The hive mind is in effect yet again, dear reader.]
I smelled happily and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball. She said……………………… “Tara [AHEM], I see drak times are near.” She said badly [everyone says everything badly in this fic]. She peered into da balls [hur hur]. “You see, you must go back in time [oh marvelous, we've got a time-travel plot now. In as much as there is a plot].” She took out a Time-Toner [I've got one of those] like B’loody Mary had. “When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken [bork, bork, bork. Also, if his hearth was broken, why didn't he just call a repairman?]. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love [I don't think it'd make the slightest difference. Voldemort had different motivations]?” I shook my head. “U must go back in time and sedouce him [OH GOD]. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him [he was always evil. Do you think Enoby would make any difference at all? She'd just infuriate him]. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it.”

“Okay.” I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin [what language was that?]. I went outside again sadly.

“What fucking happened?” asked Draco and Vampire. [Hive mind!]
“Yeah what happened?” asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary? ["We... Are... One. We... Are... One."]

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond [as in rather friendly? Oo-er!]. Everyone was proud of me butt I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing my name [her name is very cheesy] and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him [her personal war against the 'prepz' is getting very silly]. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley’s Whizard Wises. [Was... Was that a nod to the canon? Albeit a poorly executed one.]

I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.

Chapter 28.

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story it wuz a miskat wen profsor relory sed dat ok [said... Said what? And is it 'Relory' or 'Sinatra'?]!11111111 GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! raven hav fun wif kiwi [I... I don't wanna know]!1111111

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We went in2 a blak room. The wallz were blak [we know] with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem. I wuz wearing [I wondered how long that would take] a blak corset bar wif purple stuff on it, fishnet suckings and a blak leather thong underneath. [Who dresses like that outside of the bedroom? No, really.]
I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly. So did Drako and Vampire.

“Are you okay?” Vampir asked potting his albastard [how very apt] hand on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it. [She always has to go one better. Or one stupider. But Harry Potter calling himself 'Vampire' and wearing black nail varnish is pretty fucking stupid.]

“Yah I guess.” I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. “The problem is……………………….I have to seduce Volxemort. Ill have 2 go bak in time”

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him. [Maybe he's unhappy because that means he'll have to make do with Harry's dick for a while instead of Enoby's vagina? I... Never thought I'd say that. But seriously, why is he upset? They've all had sex at some point anyway. It's not like Enoby's a nice person.]

“Itz okay Eboby.” he said finally. “But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you?” [Here we go... Again with the paranoia.]
“Of coarse not!” I gasped.

“Really?” he asked.

“Sure.” I said. [I'm glad that's out of the way.]
We frenched sexily. Vampire looked at us longingly. [Oh... Here we go again.]
Then………… I took off Draco’s MCR shrift and seductvely took of his pants [oh. Here we do go again]. He was hung lik a stallone [What's Stallone hung like? Actually, I don't want to know]. He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it. Black roses were around it. I gasped. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way [and that's a good thing? Also, we know]. Vampire took a vido camera. (I had sed it wuz ok b4). [It gets on my tits when writers make things up just to fit current events. Then again, it's an insult to writers to call Tara one. Also, this would have been a prime opportunity for a threesome. But no, we have to settle for Harry filming a porno. I never thought I'd say that either.]

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif.

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock [o.0] in my you-know-what and passively we did it. [How can you possibly have sex passively? That defeats the whole object.]

“I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u.” he screamed as we got an orgasm. We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly [he may have found his vocation in life]. Suddenly………………………….

“WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING!” [More deja vu.]
It was………………………….Snope and Profesor McGoggle!111 [OH NOES!]
Chapter 29.

AN: sot das fok up [she's trying to speak German now]!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111

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“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily. [They died from their gunshot wounds. The end.]
“CUM NOW [poor choice of words]!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily [my dirty mind is having a field day with this]. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket. [Pardon me? I don't speak pillock.]
“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily. [Is it just me, or do the characters regularly shoot each other?]
“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes [someone really needs to give those two a kick up the arse. Just to bring them back to reality and acceptability]. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da camera!1111” [At least he's TRYING to use logic. He's just failing rather miserably.]
Hahahaha [at least she didn't write 'lol'] the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.

“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle [she's defending Snape? I feel ill]. She made us cum [I bet she did...] into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit [ARGH] koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111). [There's nothing like derailing one's own narrative with utter idiocy.]

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz [The Vampire Chronicles? It does actually, now and again] raven sed so [why don't you read something? You may write better] ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.

And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic [a duel!]. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet [they must be almost at point-blank. They're terrible shots. It must be something to do with being wizards]. I took out my wand.

“Crosio [you're still doing it wrong]!” I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun [guns seem redundant given the existence of a killing curse]. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets [quick, use Swan Lake!]. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. [Words failed me several sentences ago.]
“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.” [Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE?!]

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 [Is it just me, or is everyone kinky?]
Chapter 30.

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok [I don't think you know either]!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass [I'd rather not, you're not my type]!111 soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux [you would say that]. fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111

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“No!11” we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly. [This could have been writted by a retarded machine. The stilted writing does point to that conclusion.]
Then…………………… he came tords Darko [Donnie?]!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle. [Occultism: You're doing it wrong. And I should know.]
“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! [Don't they burn extremely painfully when Voldemort wills it? Ouch...]
He waved his wand and a nife came [hur hur?]. He gave da knife 2 me.

“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1” [Fo' shizzle. Incidentally, I've been stabbed. Not with a knife, but with a four-inch nail. It's painful, but she could stab him anywhere that's not a vital organ and he'd survive. Except the stomach. If you must know, I actually fell on the nail, and it was embedded to the head into my calf. I wasn't actually attacked by a loony wielding a nail.]

“No you fucking bastrad!1” I yielded. [That's defiant, not yielding. Also, 'yielding' is not a dialog tag.]
But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit [I'm beginning to detest Tara even more than I did before] koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive. [This fic makes me want to shoot myself. It's a good job I'm somehow still in a jovial mood.]
Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation [wrong word, damn you] dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire [occultism: You're still doing it wrong]. Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage [that sounds quite nice. But it could never beat a physical massage. Because they're just plain niiiice...] to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.

“Dumbeldork will get u!” Draco shooted. [I wish Bert would just get a standardised name.]
“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand. [You know, I'm sure she took it out earlier... That may or may not be a euphanism, dear reader...]

“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico’s clothes. Just as he was about to rape him……………………. [Dun dun duuun?]
“Crosio!” I shited [very apt, once more] pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious [I shudder to think how she texts]. I stopped doing crucio. [You don't just 'stop' it.]
“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. [Snape's first name is Severus. So what's going on? No, seriously, what's going on?]
Snake ["Metal Gearrr..."] put the whip behind his bak. “Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing.” he lied [I've no idea what lesson could possibly warrant what he's been doing. Stripping a goth male, for example. And removing his pants]. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said ‘Come on Ebony let’s go.” [Ugh... That's so anticlimactic! We want blood and violence!]


Ok... There's not too much left, dear reader. But is does seem to be getting worse, does it not?  Bah, I'm off to play Dark Fall: The Journal. The perfect palet cleanser is a point and click game concerning the supernatural. Fantastic!

Until next time!
Teddy

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DC: Ginny and Snape's Sexual Adventures In Bed

Need I say this is not safe for work? I don't think I need to, you're not stupid, dear reader. Unlike the writer of this... Thing. I thought I'd do this for two reasons: firstly, a friend nagged me to. Secondly, it's very short. Therefore, you can have it as a bridge-thing until I find something both awful and long. Like Deserving! I, uh... I think I just found something awful and long. And also quite disturbing... I should probably do this before I change my mind. Right, as you can tell, this is a Harry Potter badfic. Can you guess what it's about, dear reader? I'll give you a clue: it's not what you think.

ginny weasley was just starting her first day of Hogwarts [bear in mind she'd be 11. Bear that in mind through the fic] when she heard some good news

mom I got made a perfect [Mary Suedom has struck already. Also, it's fifth years that get made Prefects, not first years that are just starting. Deary me], she said becaue an owl had just come in with a letter

that's good said her mom [speech marks. Where are they?] and she gave her a new set of sparkling robes [I'm pretty sure that's a violation of the uniform. That's the least of our problems.]

ginnys new robes were so glittering that people stared at her everywhere she walked because they were so beautiful and expensive and glittering ["Calling the Department of Redundancy Department to the latest badfic!"]. the boys on the train told her that they were the pretties robes [we all like the pretties] they have ever seen and ginny started blushing a little bit and then a boy called harry potter came [hur hur] on the train and saw her robes and fell in love with her because he always liked it when girls wore pretty robes so he asked her to marry him but im too young she said [OH GOD, MY HEAD! Agh, this feels like it was written by a two year-old.]

its ok he said [no, seriously. Where are the speech marks?]. we can get married without telling anyone and we can get married in the room of requierwment [Harry found out about that room in his fifth year. This is his second. May I just ask, what the fuck?]

ok she said and he gave her a pretty ring that sparkeld like her new robes [Possibly the writer is a simpleton. I was writing more cogently than this when I was 7. But that's not difficult. Where did he get the ring from? One is reminded of that episode of 'Green, Green Grass' when Boycie says that Del always carried around an engagement ring, just in case he got engaged.]

she went back to were her friends [canon: where is it? This is her FIRST DAY. She has NOT been exposed to other wizarding families prior to this point. What's going on?!] were sitting and showd them her new shining ring. that's so pretty they said who gave it to you? harry potter said ginny and all the girls started screaming and yelling because they liked harry potter to. [WHERE ARE THE FUCKING SPEECH MARKS?! Oh, I give up already.]

so are ou getting married to harry potter asked Sabrina ginnys teenage witch friend. well yeah said ginny. I didn't even know you guys likes eachoter [well, I suppose it at least skips the sexual tension that built up during the canon. It also skips the story] said meredth ginnys other beaitful witch friend [I'm getting fed up of this]. I like him hes pretty nice said ginny

do you love him asked tulla ginnys other best friend who was really pretty. saud ginny. why would I love him I just met him she said in a screamy voice. [You're getting married to him and you only just met him. Oh, what the fuck... Seriously, what the fuck?]

but he is very hott said Sabrina tulla and meredith [the hive mind is once again in effect, dear reader. Also, how can he be 'hott'? He's 12!]. ginny threw her ring out the window [how ungrateful. Also, why?] and it fell on the train tracks. the train wheel ran over it and the train fell off the tracks [how big was that ring?] and on to its side. oh look what you've done now said ron Weasley who was another boy in their grade that ginny likes. [He's... Her... Brother... Whaa? WHAA?! WHAT THE SHITCOCK?!]

it wasn't my fault said ginny but ron just glared at her and left to go talk to harry ginny looked at her friends and saw that they were all dead because the train fell over. [Aaaaaaaargh...]

oh im sad now said ginny [that's probably what I'd say if I'd accidentally killed everyone] and she sat down and cried and cried and cride until she had no more wetness in her body ["wetness in her body" That's not a good thing to say. It sounds very wrong] so she drinks more water and crides more [Here we go with poor tenses...]

then harry potter came in her compartment and he was alive and he said ginny im so happy youre alive now we can go get married isn't that great [I mourn the death of punctuation. Also, the characters are appalling.]

but ginny doesn't think its so great because she ditched his ring and she cant tell him and she thinks she might also like ron Weasley a bit more than harry potter [HE'S HER BROTHER!] and she is very popular and can get any boy she likes of course [of course. She's a Mary Sue after all] becaue she is gorjus and has pretty sparkling robes and lots of friends that are now dead. [How very flippant. Almost to the point of humour. Almost.]

harry i lost your ring im so sorry what can I do? she asked quickly squirting water in her eye so it looked like she was crying [How very devious. But I thought she'd been crying anyway?]

don't cry my dear its ok when we get to Hogwarts I will buy you a new ring and we can get married then because it would be fun ok? [o.0]

ok [Sp- Oh, forget it!]

so the train gets in Hogwarts and ginny gets off [hur hur] but she forgets that harry is sleeping so she leaves with ron Weasley because she kinda likes him [he's her brother. I'm not going to stop saying that. Also, she's an idiot] and they walk into the eating hall [it's called a 'dining room', or in this case a 'great hall'. I'm sorry if that's too complex for your tiny brain] togather to eat some pumpkin becayse that is what everyone eats in Hogwarts, [I must have missed that part of the canon.]

ginny sits down [TENSES!] next to her best friends Katie and batie because they are the more beautiful and popular people in the world except for ginny and they have blonde hair that shines down their backs because they are identical twins and get mixed up a lot/ [Blah, blah, blah, blah...]

so ginny site with them and ron Weasley because she likes him a lot [yes, we know. But they're still siblings] and they eat a bunch of pumpkins and get realy fat [because it's that instantaneous] and go to sleep in their beds

ginny wakes up in the night beccuz shes having [tenses. Tenses. Tenses. Tenses. It's starting to get on my tits] a bad dream and in her dream she was falling down [That's not bad. That's normal.]

so she runs down to the commonroom and ron Weasley is sitting there in the chair and she likes him [FUCKING HELL] so she blushes a whole lot and says hi and he says hi too [It was a riveting conversation.]

do you like me ron she asks yes he sais [siblings. Do not want]. that's cool she said and runs to the chair by the fire because she got coled and ron Weasley the boy she likes [ >.> ] asked her if she wanted any water [I'd have offered wine. But that's because I'm approximately infinitely more mature than these muppets] but she said no thanx

in the morning she walked down to eat and she wasn't hungry because she eat so much pumpkin yester day but she eats with ron Weasley again and they have froot loops because they feel loopy today. sarah and Rachel ginnys best friends come down join then and they eat a lot of lucky charms because they are feeling lucky that day. [That's terrible. I hate to say it, but My Immortal is actually better than this.]

in potions class snape [time for sex?] asks ginny a qyestuion and she doesn't know the answer so ron Weasley tells her its cocroch and she gets a good grade in the class [Oh.]

after class ron Weasley goes up to gunny and says do you want to go to hogsmade with me on Sunday?]] [Siblings. Still do not want.]

Well, that was horrendous. Fortunately, nothing else in this tale has ever been written. Did you notice there was no sex? The offtopic title seems to throw everyone. And now... Now I'm going to go and contract food poisoning. Simply so that I can cough up blood and have a better time that I had doing this.

Until next time!

Teddy

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DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 8

It's the last chapter! Yeah, the writer just stops after this one. Thank god. Maybe she was murdered by a fan or something. Anyway, let's get this shitty fic out of the way.

hey guys sory its been so long since an update, i hav been so busy latley. sooooo..i had a fight with my old beta but i have a new 1 now an she is helpin me byut she is on vacaton this wk and next so i promise i will sort the spellin mistaks out wen i can! [You broke your promise. You're rubbish. That is all.]

Chapter 8 - the Kidnap

I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked [umm... Why? Has she gone nudist?] and looked awsome with my exotic lithely [I thought she was going to say 'exotic lingerie'. I am now disappointed] hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it. but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more [I'd say you're not either]. Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself [show, don't tell. Don't just jump ahead in time like that] and i was SO mad. how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more? I was pissed [reading this makes me want to get pissed. What is Ewdard's problem? He's still making no sense]! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe. So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties [I've never seen leather panties (ugh, I hate that twee word). Do they even exist outside of brothels?] and i smoked some drugs and started to weep.

dave came in and made a big smiley face. [ :-) ]

"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?" (he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick) [How is it possible to be so idiotic?]

"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.

"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL [WHAT?!]!" he said laughing a lot, and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff [to be fair, it pretty much is. So there]. he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses. [You teenagers and your problems.]

"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!" i shouted at him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT (i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!)

"haha, i guess your right [didn't he notice an ASHTRAY JUST GOT HURLED AT HIS HEAD?! He is truly an idiot]" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin) "its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty [here we go...]. i swear your even prettier than before [here we still go...]! and i think your boobs hav grown!" [That's a lovely thing to notice about your adopted daughter.]

"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said. [Bra sizes mean little to me. To me, there is just 'too small', 'nice', and 'too big'.]

Dave smiled and patted me on the head and left. [I do that to my dogs.]

I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) and went out to the local nightclub [if you're trying to prove your maturity, you're doing it wrong. Very wrong] which was called Pablo NIghtmare - it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks [let me guess, you think goths are cool? Deja vu]. bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL! i met snoofles on the way [I still don't know why there's a panda in the story. Or what he's doing here] and he came with me. we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music [I could make a comment about actual goths, but I really can't be arsed]. ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda [yeah, a panda in a nightclub. OF COURSE PEOPLE WILL STARE!], but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere. [If you were drunk and high, I don't think you'd be able to walk, at the very least.]

"hi your [RAGE] called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" said Jasper Cullen who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. he was tall. he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL [it reads better when I'm drunk, OH WELL!]!)

"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?" [Christ, she's a nosy cow.]

"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips. [I hope he bites through them.]

"what is wrong Jasper?" i said

"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. i am gay [he's... I... What?], and thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!"

"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said.

"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.

"yeah, its proper normal and Snoofles is gay [how does she know?!] and everything" i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back [FUCKING TENSES, SORT THEM THE FUCK OUT]. he smiled and we all stared dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs. [As you do. Why is he carrying drugs? What is this obsession she has with taking drugs anyway? No wonder she's fucked in the head.]

we had a relay good time and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car [the panda's GOT A CAR?!] at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car. (i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!) [Vampires aren't supposed to be affected by booze. Nice effort, but you fail. Then again, they're not meant to sparkle either. Also, sex? Panda? WHAT?!]

but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us and i had to stop the car and get out. there was a man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness. he was good looking but he looked so angry i got out my samurai sword [WHAT?!] (i often have it with me [WHAT?!?!]!) but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me [I really wish DMC's Virgil would turn up and show them all how it's done], there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex [o.0 I'd actually forgotten about that part. I need brain bleach, dear reader] on each other to notice, i cud hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other - it was so cute [no it's not. It's horrifying] but now was SO not the time! The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.

when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room and the tall mussel man was in front of me. i was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move. [Oh no, not this again...]

"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.

"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING [OH GOD!]!" he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!

"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted. [Usually, it's a tail that wags. Maybe he talks out of his arse?]

"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.

"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN [oh god...]!" he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like. "YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD! YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH [your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!]! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART [that was Ewdard]! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!"

This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down [a comical thought]. But something he said had caugt my atention.

"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.

"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!" [STOP FUCKING SHOUTING.]

Of corse! It all made sense now [no it doesn't. Nothing does anymore]! I was so shocked I fainted,

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED [oh no...]! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item [wait for it...] was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom [this chapter is wrong in so many ways. I've never heard a penis described like that. And now I know why]. he stroked my knee with it and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me [agh... What do you think?]! but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

IT WAS EWDARD! [Lovely. Just lovely.]

The fic ends there. Literally. Presumably a nuke exploded on top of them at that exact moment. At least that's what I'm going to believe. Well, that was thoroughly awful wasn't it, dear reader? But do you know what? It's going to be replaced by something even worse. I just need to find something horrible enough. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and get so drunk I can't remember the awful sex scenes.

Until next time!

Teddy

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DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 7

Right, this is strange... Despite drinking a full bottle of red wine, three glasses of corked red wine  (before someone noticed it was corked. By which point we'd drank nearly all of it), three glasses of sherry, half a bottle of pure Russian vodka, and four pints of beer, I managed to wake up without a hangover this morning. I've celebrated by getting nicely drunk again. And by doing a DC of the Twilight crapfic. Possibly because I love you all. Indeed, I do value every single reader I have. As a side note, I'm surprised even an average of 30 people a day read my inane ramblings here. More likely, however, is that I feel masochistic at the moment. I did yesterday as well, but I was too busy watching Black Books. I've got the theme tune stuck in my head. It's a good job I like it, and was even dancing to it yesterday. At least, I think I was. Anyway, let's get cracking! Oh... And Merry Boxing Day!

thanx for the revews! [At least she's somewhat polite. I suppose. There's a degree of hypocrisy in there somewhere. Can you guess how, dear reader?]

Chapter 7 - Surprises! [I like surprises. I'm not entirely sure I'll enjoy surprises coming from this writer, however. Although I guess it'd make a change.]

I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute [the depths of Hell. It's the only explanation]. I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream. I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly. [Aren't they wondering where Larry disappeared to? Also, she needs to watch the motherfucking tenses. It's really starting to infuriate me now.]

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness. [This seems to be a bit of a pattern with her. I'll bet she actually doesn't look nice though. Maybe it's just me though... I'm more into natural beauty, dear reader.]

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent [does she look like a vampire, by any chance?]! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before. My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac. I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed [suspend your disbelief, dear reader. I'm actually going to defend that, believe it or not. Traditionally (and I'm a big aficionado of vampire legends and stories) one becomes far more beautiful after being turned. It's because a vampire traditionally relies on sheer beauty to lure prey. That and brute strength and telepathic/manipulative abilities. Still, it's just be a general aura coupled with pale skin. So the rest fails]. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked [sounds very sudden and painful] me out of my silent staring. Dave answered it.

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable [I've no idea what that's supposed to mean. Possibly 'inconsiderate'? Although, looking at the context, I doubt it]!" and he hung up

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling [Would you smile if your partner had obviously had bad news? I thought now.]

"uncle larry is died [tenses, DAMN IT!], it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast [what wild animal would clinically break a man's neck and drink his blood?]! I feel so sad! he was my brother" [One could make a brilliant plot out of this: he could investigate his death and slowly discover it was Tiana. Why the writer doesn't do this, I'll never know. Then again, I'm slightly drunk, so this could be an awful idea.]

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school [her adopted parents obviously don't think that's unusual]. I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a rasist [I've never heard him abusing foreigners] and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me [spanking is a sign of kinky couples where I come from] and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him! I was going to explode with guilt [I wish she would explode]. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear [I hope it eats her] - a big panda bear [you don't get them in North America]! it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen. [I'm glad she noticed that at least.]

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK [those questions needed to go the other way around. Also, why has a panda been included anyway?!]? I was totally confused [You're not the only one.]

"WTF?" i screamed! [I'd have swore in full, but that's just me.]

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna [great, another strange name] but you can call me Snoofles." [How cutesy. I feel ill.]

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiusly [I'd be more confused than furious.]

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me [oh dear]. You can talk to animals [it'd be better if she found out on her own]. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet" [Likewise. The presence of a panda still hasn't been explained.]

"like watt?" i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me. I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers [That seems like a useless power. Also, vampires are not magicians]. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames [that's more like a vampire. I always thought pyrokinesis would be a brilliant ability]. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling! [Said like a true Mary Sue.]

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol [oh dear...]" said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?" [Aww... Now that is cute.]

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles [yeah... That's understandable]. I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes [no shit?]. i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me [hur hur] realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light. Lauren came over to me and tries [TENSES] to hit me over the face with her balls [hur hur] and I slapped her in the face.

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch ['Tudor' has never worked as an insult]!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag [Marvelous, she's got a saggy face. That speaks wonders for the rest of her body.]

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever [Does it matter?]

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!" [Nothing wrong with being pale and delicate, but we won't quibble.]

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning. She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital. [I love the way no-one seems to notice or care.]

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren. I was sat there wearing [OH GOD, NO!] a very short leather mini-dress [I've actually only ever seen jackets, coats, and skirts made of leather (other than footwear). Where do these Mary Sues get their leather thongs/tops/etc. from?!] and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it. Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen [we could tell. You should do something about your terrible command of Old English]!" said edward. i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way [very manly] and fell over onto the floor [equally manly]. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute. [I can imagine this being read aloud in an utter deadpan voice. It's really quite funny.]

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness [I really am getting tempted to make a post just to teach people how Old English works]. Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward

"I killed someone Ewadrd [that's an impressive typo]! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren [ARGH!]" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me [Tenses. Please sort them out.]

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!" [Aye, he's a true gentleman, so WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO HIM?!]

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped [I'm sure we've been over this.]

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing [and this]! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre [that mistake enrages me] choice right now!"

"I choose thee Atlantnina ["Pikahu, I choose you!"]! Bella is a big mean cow [hey, that's my language! Except less mature] and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!" [Yeah, there's nothing like leaving the girl you've been with for a while for a girl you barely know. Also, what the fuck?]

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect. I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear [presumably with an amusing squeak as you took your leather off] and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

I found some handcuffs on a bench [WHAT?!] and I tied him to a hook [kinky]. he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing ['penis'. Is it so difficult just to say that word?]. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen [it doesn't sound it] and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth [marvelous. The sex scenes are worse than Celebrian, somehow. And yes, I was drunk when I read it]. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical [it turned her into a pixie. I can speak for every man with this statement: ours doesn't do that]. Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE [she's getting My Immortal syndrome]? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!" [Good.]

It was Bella Swan! [Obviously.]

Well, that was thoroughly awful. I've also had at least three more miscellaneous drinks since I started writing this episode. Bah. Merry Boxing Day!

Until next time!

Teddy

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Crimble!

Yes, Merry Christmas everyone! I'm a little bit drunk at the moment... As such, I'm relying on my Firefox spellchecker to guide me through so I don't make an utter div of myself. Oh dear, I don't even remember what I've already drank...

So, how are you all? I trust and hope you're having a good Crimble, dear reader? I do hope you are. Christmas hasn't historically been a very good time for me, if I'm honest. Three years ago, I spent Christmas with my grandmother in hospital. She was the closest family member I had. She passed away from cancer while I held her hand, coming up to midnight. A year later, my best friend, Ian Haynes, was killed on the 16th of January in a car crash near London. This year, you know one of my better friends, Micheal Hanlon, was recently taken from us, aged 20.

Anyway, enough doom and gloom, allow me to tell you what I got. I shall present it in list from! Because  we all like lists, don't we? You should, you know. Lists are good.

• A brand-spanking new telly for my room 22" of Freeview plasma joy. At least, it will be when an aerial is set up for the house. Until then, I'm quite content using it for DVD's.
• Black Books, series 1-3 on DVD, which I'm watching at the moment. I've actually never seen it, but I've been quite vocal about how good it looks based on adverts. And I'm not wrong at all! It is marvelous indeed, and very funny.
• The entire boxset of Cracker, on DVD. With my background and deep interest in psychology and criminology, this isn't surprising. I've repeatedly said how good I think the series is, and I've previously watched most of the episodes. I love Cracker, I think it's excellent.
• Pub Landlord on DVD. Al Murray's live... Somewhere. The drink won't let me remember. But suffice to say that having a DVD of one of my favorite comedians is lovely.
• The entie boxset of Monty Python's flying Circus. Well, that certainly beats me stalking every HMV trying to find an individual series!

• DVD's out of the way, what else did I get? A black overcoat. It's very snazzy indeed. Actually, I was there when it was bought, reduced from £300. I've had it on for the past two hours, simply because it's so warm. And stylish, of course.
• Several shirts. The last count resulted in my having about four. Or five. Actually, I have eight new shirts. They're all snazzy and stylish, so I'm happy. I had a funny feeling about that actually, and even remarked about getting shirts earlier in the day. I don't particularly mind, as I'm boosting my appearance to someone who dresses smart because he damn well feels like it. I was actually like that before, but I've just gone overboard now.
• Socks. Obviously.
• Boxers. Obviously. Including a pair of bright green ones that a friend sent as a joke. I think they'd make a good talking point, actually. The less said about that, however, the better.
• Several giftcards, to shops all over the country. Theoretically, I could buy everything I could ever want with these.
• A solar alarm clock. 'Solar' in that is wakes you up gradually, rather than suddenly. It's supposed to stop me being murderous when I wake up. I've actually heard about these, but I thought they were bullshit. We'll see, eh, dear reader?
• Food and shower-stuff, rather obviously. At least it means I don't have to get any during the next year. Again.
• Aftershave. Another obvious one for me. Avon Signature, it's called. Fan-dabby-dozy.
• Belts. Lots of them. Fair enough, I can never have enough belts.
• A gorillapod. It's like a tripod with bendy legs. You can wrap it around things. It's much more useful that you might think. The model I got is suited to compact cameras, which, while I always carry, I rarely make use of, but at least it's an excuse to buy every other tripod in the range.
• T-shirts. Several of the buggers, al v-nick with buttons, because that's the way I roll.
• £50 from various relatives. It can all go towards... Something. Something that I've not yet decided on. But it shall be glorious.

Naturally, I had a turkey dinner, which was filling and tasty. And a Christmas pudding soaked in brandy and cream. Which was equally tasty. So yeah, I'm having a pretty good day so far, we've even managed to avoid an argument! Although that statement's probably put the kiss of death on it. Bah, never mind.

I'll see you all next time! Do enjoy the rest of your day!
Teddy

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DC: My Immortal Chapt. 23, 24, 25, & 26

Right, I've got the drinks in (mulled wine, if you must know. I couldn't be arsed opening another bottle of whiskey), so let's do this. The chapter lengths get very sporadic from here on in, even more so than before. You may not think that's possible, but it is. Very.


Chapter 23.

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz [I don't think they were positive reviews. I imagine most were one line: "This is shit."]!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox [I sincerely hope that's a joke] gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! [Yay, she can get more skanky clothes.]
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The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum [awesome name] and Rumbridge sawed us. [A couple of Leatherfaces in disguise, those two. RRRNNNNNNNNNNNG!]

“MR. WAY [is that a Freudian slip?] WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her [he did that quick. Canon Umbridge is corrupted in a different way to what I mean there. I'm just that disgusting. That's what this fic does to you]. “She means hi everybody cum in!” [An easy mistake to make.]
Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness [where did her apostrophe go? Wait... who's Darkness? I thought that was Enoby's middle name! I'm confused!] and Draco and opposite B’loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both
 looked exactly like Ville Vollo [I'm sorry, the references have finally lost me. I've no idea what she's on about]. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup [I wish she'd drink some from a person for a change]. Then I herd someone shooting angrily [there's no friendly fire here]. I looked behind me it was………Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. [I can picture them having a gunfight in the middle of the great hall. It is glorious.]

“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.

“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit [very apropos] next to her!1”

“No I do!” shouted. [Oh, how very mature.]
“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.

“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Vampire [you'd think Draco'd read more into that, especially considering he knows they've got a thing going]. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv [oh]) They started to fight and beat up each other.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose [WE FUCKING KNOW!] and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped [This paragraph is hurting my head]. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort! [We'd never have guessed.]
“Eboby…..Ebony [if at first you don't succeed, try again]…….” Darth Valer [WHAT?!] sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!” [That... Seems really redundant. Almost to the point of silliness. If he can get to Harry so easily, why doesn't he kill him anyway? It's not like it's be very difficult for him at the moment.]
“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway [what is the point then?]!” Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me [sounds painful]. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic [how does... Oh, I give up. Again]. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. [Surely Voldemort could just leave him to it?]

“No!” I screamed sexily [I've no idea how that works]. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

“Ebony Ebony aure you alright?” asked Draco in a worried voice.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“Everyfing’s all right Enoby.” said Vampire all sensetive. [I keep expecting her to make the same remark she usually does about sensitivity.]

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face [not again!]. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!” [That's a film, dear. It's not reality. Then again, neither is this.]
“Its ok gurl.” said B’loody Mary. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though.”

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went. [This is for emphasis, bitch.]
Chapter 24.

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u [no, fuck you] ok go 2 hel [I'm not going to see a Norse goddess just because you told me to]!11 raven fagz 4 di help!

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Well we had Deviation [this fic has deviated enough from canon] next so I got to ask Proffessor Trevolry about the visions.

“Konnichiwa [oh god. I'll never understand this fascination with Japanese] everybody come in.” said Proffesor Sinister in Japanese [what, she said the whole sentence in Japanese?]. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick. She’s da coolest fucking teacher ever [because she's quite obviously a 'goff'?]. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips [yes, she is] and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire [that's obviously the norm in this world]. She’s also haf Japanese so she speaks it and everyfing. she n b’loody mry get along grate) She’s really young for a teacher [they're not all ancient, you know]. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress [hmm... She dressed like Enoby too]. We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong. I raced my hand [5 year-olds do that]. I was wearing some black naie Polish with red pentagrams on it. [Woop-de-doo.]
“What is it Ebony?” she asked. “Hey I love ur nail polish where’d u get it, Hot Topik?”

“Yeah.” I answered. All the preps who didn’t know what HT was gave me weird looks [most of them, I'd imagine. It's something to do with this being Scotland and Hot Topic operating in America]. I gave them the middle finger [she does that a lot, doesn't she? Skank]. “Well I have to talk to you about some fings. When do you want to due it?”

“Ho about now?” she asked.

“OK.” I said.

“OK class fucking dismissed [bugger professionalism] every1.” Proffesor Trevolry said and she let every1 go. “Except for you Britney.” she pointed at Britney and sum other preps [they must all be called Britney. A very preppy name, that]. “Please do exorcize (geddit [die in a fucking fire]) 1 on page 3.”

“OK I’m having lotz of visions.” I said in a worried voice. I’m so worried is Draco gong 2 die. [You seem to forget he already has.]
Well she gave me a black cryptal ball to lock in. I looked at it.

“What do you c?” she asked.

“I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram.” [I think we could have guessed that.]
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was Draco. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes. [Vote for Draco.]
“Okay you can go now, see ya cunt.” said Proffesor Sinister. [I've never heard a teacher say 'cunt'. Especially to a student. I love how it seems to have been used as a term of endearment.]

“Bye bitch.” I said waving. [Likewise, 'bitch' is obviously a term of endearment.]

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited. [I'm not surprised, dressed like that.]

Chapter 25.

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer [lolwut?]!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1

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I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again [oh of course you are. You're at it like rabbits. Incidentally, there's never been any mention of contraception, so why isn't she pregnant yet? Maybe Draco's impotent, because he certainly doesn't seem very careful. You'd think they'd have caught something by now]. We went outside and then we went into Draco’s black car.

“Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say.” whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand with bvlak nail polish on mine. [I keep saying this, but the writing really is getting worse.]
“She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow.” I grumbled in a sexy [she seems very keen to accentuate this at every opportunity] voice. He took out a heroin [ah, so THIS is what drugs do to you. Drugs are bad, kids] cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork [uh...]. He started to fly the car into a tree [they dies in the crash. The end]. We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR. [What on? They've left the car. Apparently anyway, because we weren't actually told that they did.]

“And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me.” sang Gerard’s sexy voice. We started tiling of each other’s cloves fevently. He took of my blak thong [how unsexy] and my black leather bar [several jokes about that shall go untold. Use your imagination, dear reader]. I took of his black boxers. Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. [These are quite possibly the least erotic sex scenes I've ever read. And I've read Celebrian.]

“OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism [that was quick]. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep [he's a terrible lover]. I started having a dream. In it a black guy [a gangsta!] was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.

“No! Please don’t fucking kill us!1” they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car. [The car can't have a bottom. Must just be a frame he's running with.]

“No! Oh my fucking god!11” I shouted in a scared voice.

“Ebony what’s wrong?” Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile [I'll probably murder the next goth I see. No, really]. Butt [hur hur] the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where……………………… Lucian and Serious!111 [Lovely, more characters for her to butcher.]

Chapter 26.

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep [you fuck yourself because no-one wants to do it for you, don't you? I'm just getting nasty now]! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11 [I could make a joke here, but I'm not going to.]
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A few mutates later [o.0] Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt. [Yeah, I hope Enoby and Draco have already gotten dressed. That could be awkward, even though they've all had carnal knowledge of each other. I bet there'll be a threesome at some point. It was so set up that way.]

“Hi Vampire.” I said flirtily as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened. [Blah, blah, blah, blah... I'm sorry, I'm really losing patience here.]

“Oh fuck it!” Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. “What fucking dick did that!” [Oh come on, it's not happened yet! Very emotional, these 'goffs'.]

“I don’t know.” I said. “Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor.”

We ran out of the tree [might be a good idea to climb down first. Did Draco just leave his car there?] and in2 da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office. [Bert doesn't get out much.]

“Sire ["My liege!"] are dads have been shot [except that haven't. It was a dream. And Sirius isn't Harry's father]!” Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face. “Enoby had a vision in a dreem.” [Exactly.]
Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha [lol, apparently]! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?” [Because she was relegated.]

I glared at Dumbledore.

“Look motherfucker [you just called the headmaster a motherfucker?].” he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter [Dumbledore always struck me as someone who would ignore such a comment]). “U know very well that I’m not decisional [or divisional]. Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!” [She's a bossy cow, isn't she?]

“Okay.” he said in a intimated voice. “Were are they?”


[Get ready for the detailed conclusion to this plot!]

I fought about it. Then all of a sudden….. “Longdon.” I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found [yeah, all the action was clearly unnecessary. This fic is awful]. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room [what, why?]. We looked at each other’s gothic, derperessed eyes. Then, we kissed [again]. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers……………………….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 [That's not very dramatic. There was no need for the dramatic pause. Bah.]


I'm not sure how much more of this I can take... I can feel a pressure in my mind. I fail to comprehend how anyone can fail quite so much at writing. Ah well, I'll join you tomorrow dear reader. I'm going now to apply some brain bleach.

Until next time!
Teddy

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Merry Crimble Eve!

Mmm... Throttled internet connection. Oh how I hate you, Kingston Communications. Just to vex you, I've decided to get revenge on your throttling my connection all week by downloading more than your servers should be able to handle. You utter gits. Ah, 5 kb/s... It takes me back to the first days of the internet. Only more primitive.

To the rest of you, merry Christmas Eve! I'm sure you've had Christmas rammed down your throat enough in the past week. I know I have. We've now reached what seems to be an annual holiday for the internet, in that I mean that nearly every site that updates regularly, such as Rock, Paper, Shotgun, aren't going to update until after Christmas. The 3rd of January, in RPS' case. Furthermore, most YouTube channels have stopped updating until after boxing day. That would probably include me, if not for the preposterous amount of time YouTube wants to take uploading my videos. Thanks again, crappy connection. I loathe thee, I really do. Grumbling about my ISP aside, you're probably wondering if I'm going to be posting tomorrow? The answer, while purely academic considering most people take Christmas as an excuse not to hit the internet, is yes. I shall indeed be posting tomorrow. Perhaps several times, depending on how drunk I get during the course of the day. And the course of the night. And probably the morning after. As you should be well aware of by now, dear reader, I am not most people. Therefore, if I want to spend the entire day on the internet after Christmas dinner, I shall. To be perfectly honest, it's not like there's a whole lot else one can do after opening prezzies and gorging oneself on turkey. Frankly, if I try to watch the TV on Christmas Day again, I might just explode.

Obligatory Christmas message out of the way, how are you all? I do hope you're well, dear reader. I especially hope you've managed to stave off the horrendous flu outbreaks that seem to be striking the world at the moment. It's like man-flu, but mutated into person-flu, which seems to affect women as well. Everyone in the house is infected apart from me. Very fortunate. It'll probably hit me twice as hard on Boxing Day and couple itself with the raging hangover I'll probably have. If I don't post on Boxing Day, it's safe to assume it's killed me. You could also assume that I'm either too lethargic or ill to drag myself to the keyboard. Take your pick.

Well, I've not been doing too much myself. I've had the minimal of wrapping to do, mainly because I palmed it off onto other people. It's good for the people receiving though, otherwise they'd have to endure my horrific wrapping skills. Men were not made for wrapping. Therefore, I find it very awkward and frustrating. To the point of utter blind rage, in fact. I also completely forgot to get my mother a card this year. My first response was to panic, considering I realised this about 5 hours ago. Then a marvelous thought hit me: why get her a card at all? It's the message that's important, right? And she'll just throw it away at the end of the year... So I printed out one of my Christmassy photos, wrote a message on the back, and put into a A4 business envelope. It seemed like a good idea at the time. She's always nagging me to give her some prints to put up on display anyway, so it's like a present wrapped in a card. Or vice versa. Or something. So what else have I been doing? Not much, frankly. I got up at 1pm today, considering it my just reward for the exhausting year. I'm sure we all feel the same way, dear reader. I've mainly spent this week getting the dust off my graphics tablet, and getting to grips with Art Rage 2, which hasn't gone very well, if I'm honest. The end of the year's always the same: I lose all patience with things. Therefore, the most complex thing I can paint at the moment is a blue smiley face. With a comedy mustache. I'll call him Fred. I'd upload a picture of Fred, but not long after doing yesterday's DC, I was filled with the urge to draw a huge penis coming out of his head. And it's difficult to resist. So much so, in fact, that I daren't see him again, lest the urge consume me utterly. As I say, my patience isn't very healthy at this time of year. I can do digital painting in Photoshop, but I can't yet do it in a program singularly designed for it. I don't think my mind works very well sometimes.

That's my rambling done for today, dear reader. But shall we do some Dramatic Commentary? Yes, lets! I'll just get the whiskey and I'll be right with you...

Until then!
Teddy

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DC: Forbiden Fruit The Tempation Of Edward Cullen Chapt. 6

Well, more spare ribs and whiskey means it's yet again time for some more Twilight crapfic. Actually, I'm more being fueled by twiglets, considering I've been gorging myself on them all day. The amount I've been drinking and eating recently, especially given that this is Christmas, I'm actually amazed I've put on no weight whatsoever. I seem to be maintaining a healthy 11 stone. Very healthy for my height. Marvelous. Anyway, let's get cracking. This one's actually not too long, thank christ.

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later. [I doubt it. Especially because this thing craps out and ends at chapter 8. Presumably she was murdered before she could finish.]

Chapter 6 - the curse [I could make roughly 5000 jokes about curses in relation to this fic. Therefore, I'll leave them to your imagination, dear reader.]

-Oh ewdard with your skin so white

Your eyes like amber out of sight

Pale angel in my eyes

Hair like gold rosy sunrise- [It works. I suppose.]

I read the words of my poem out quietly. I had written a poem about Edward, i just couldnt help myself [she's falling into and out of love so many times that I'm getting very dizzy indeed]. I hated myself for doing it but i couldnt get him out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings [there's hundreds of ways one can get rid of one's feelings. I'm sure you know about most of them, dear reader. The writer, however, only knows of the cheesy one]. Soddenly my mind went black and i felt into a trance [it's never nice when that happens]. A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there. [We could have inferred that from the information given. People that read aren't idiots. Well, I'd argue that most people that enjoyed Twilight are idiots, but I digress.]

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

"i am your FATHER [I wonder what that line's from?]! I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI [well, at least she's remembering what universe she's writing in]! Your in terror and peril my daugher! Beware the vampire boy called edward!" [I saw that one coming.]

"why?" I said [Because he's a twat.]

"you mussent let him sex you [oh lord] or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE [plot hook, dear reader! That's a really obvious one as well]! And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..." then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door. [And I wonder what he's going to do! Actually, I don't wonder. It should be obvious.]

"take ur clothes off now [yup, that's what he's going to do] you moldy slut!" said uncle larry and he smiles [oh joy, we're jumping tenses again] horribly with his yellow teeth

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed [kinky. These chains weren't mentioned before]. I new he was going to rape me again [no shit?]. But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks [tenses. Sort them the fuck out] him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...EDWARD! [We could have gathered.]

"omg my sweet lady [oh dear]" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole [oh double dear] been doing to thee?"

"he's been raping me [I thought he was rapping you? Fo' shizzle] and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me [he's already seen you naked. You've nothing to hide, and we know Ewdard's no gentleman], and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very moved" he cried "i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee" [My brain hurts. I think the cheese is hurting me.]

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

" Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly [I've already said that he's no gentleman. He also seems to be fairly rude. Hypocrite]. Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody [canon. Marvelous] but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt [something to do with electricity?] made her change, maybe it is mine fault, she just seems angry all the time now."

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said. [Actually, it doesn't. Nothing was explained.]

We left the house and went to walk in the woods [as you do]. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon [obviously]. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic. [Obviously. This is a Sue-fic after all.]

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say [I don't think she's quite got the point. Also: clichés are clichéd.]

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death [she'd be responsible for her death. You'd just be the stimulus]! I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady [Tiana is not sweet. Not be any definition of the word]. And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!" He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire. [When did she find this out anyway? I only ask because there was no real reaction. At all. Also, if he's so strong, why did he hit Larry with a stick?]

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore [Probably acid heartburn.]

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too [yeah, just throw that in there].

I retched out [yuck] and grabbed his hard throbbing male object [oh dear]. We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love [FINALLY! She used 'made love'! But this is still silly]. It was amazing and lasted hours [that's quite some stamina. Or maybe impotence] and I had never been so happy in my life i felt like i coud die with happines. But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away. [Oh noes, she is going to become teh vampire!]

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me.i was so socked and angry i could not even cry or scream. But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent [yes, it's because you're turning]. I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex [and she's lost what little sophistication she'd gained] with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! My skin was getting all hard and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away [you'd be bewildered and terrified if you turned. That's often the most difficult thing for a writer to get right, so I'll cut her some slack here]. I even wanted to drink blood!and i could smell a human comin closer [it's amazing how many writers don't make use of a vampire's superior sense of smell, so credit there], he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG [very creative. Also, no-one talks like that]!" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!" [All of these characters are morons. Does he not care that someone stormed in on him and knocked him out? Bah, he's got a one track mind.]

Something in me snaped [Snape? What are you doing in this fic? Get back to your own badfic!]. I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood [show, don't tell. A writer should always describe what happens, rather than flatly telling the reader. This is very bad writing]! i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong [yes, we all know how strong vampires are]!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...dead! [Yeah, because some people can easily survive having their necks broken and their blood drained. Therefore, she felt the need to tell us.]

I swear this thing is getting worse. it's getting so bad that I can't even remember the comments I've previously made, simply because I've had to make so many of them. Bah, it gets worse, I assure you. Hopefully I can move onto something vaguely more competent after the final two chapters of this are done. Like Deserving! Or... Or something that's got nothing to do with Harry getting Snape pregnant. And I wish I was joking.

Until next time!

Teddy

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