Sunday, 2 January 2011

DC: My Immortal Chapt. 31, 32, 33, & 34

Hmm... The tip of my tongue's gone numb. The only cure is more cowbell. Unfortunately, I don't have a cowbell, so I'll have to make do with tearing apart some more My Immortal.

Chapter 31.

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs [she's making words up now]!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u [I don't need to know what's going to happen to know that it's gonna be crap]!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111


“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox ["son of a bitch" is not unique to Buffy. I wish Buffy'd come along and kill the entire cast of My Immortal]!111).” Serious said 2 Snape.

“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Snap clamed. [He was certainly teaching them something, but it wasn't schoolwork.]

“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it [Severus and Snape are now two different people]. He did arngrily [you've said that he was made to drink it. You do not need to then state that he did so. To do so is redundant]. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes [I don't know what he's secreting, thanks]. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times [literally?]. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over. Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too. B’loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid’s store. [I don't even know who half these people are supposed to be anymore. Despite this still being the present, Voldemort and Riddle are still inexplicably different people.]

“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Profesor Trevolry.

“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut [how very appropriate] black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots [yeah, I'll bet they helped you...] Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. [Is she really that helpless?]
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said. [ >.>]

“Fangs.” I said. [I really am sick of the puns now.]

“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said Proffesor Sinister. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.” She gave me a blak gun [does EVERYTHING have to be black? Although I'm going to assume she was given a Glock 17, purely because they're black]. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill ["You were almost an Enoby sandwich."]. Then she gave me a black time-tuner. “After an hour use da time torner to go back here.” Proffesor Trevolry said. Then she and B’loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me [why? It's not a CCTV linked to her eyes. I hope]. Every1 went in front of it. [We have experienced mass bladder failure in a fanfic. We are more complete human beings.]
“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin. Then……….. I jumped sexily [how?] in2 da Pensive. [She's got a time-turner, so why bother with the penseive? One can not manipulate events in a memory.]

Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans [he sounds like a tramp]. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111 [o.0 What's he doing here?! He should be in Middle Earth!]
Chapter 32.

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself [she seems to have an unhealthy fixation with that phrase]!11111 U SUK!111111


“Hi.” I said flirtily. “Im Enoby Way [ugh...] da new student.” I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him.

“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam” [His parents had serious issues.]
We shok hands. “Well come on we have 2 go upstairs.” Satan said. I followed him. “Hey Satan…… u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?” (sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den [they didn't in 1997 either, to my knowledge]) I asked.

“Oh my fuking god, how did u know?” Satan gasped. “actually I like gc a lot too.”(geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that’s ounded really 80s) [I've just listened to it, just to know my facts. It sounds about as 80's as a car crash.]

“omg me too!” I replied happily.

“guess what they have a concert in hogsment.” satan whispered. [Another muggle band playing in a magical village... What is going on?]
“hogsment?” I asked.

“yeah that’s what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000 [wait... Wait a moment! I have two questions. Firstly, how does he know what it'll be called in 2000? Secondly, he attended Hogwarts from 1938 to 1945, so what's going on?! What is this confusion she has about canon and common sense?].” he told me all sekrtivly. “and theres a really cool shop called Hot-“

‘topic!” I finshed, happy again.

He froned confusedly. “noo its called Hot Ishoo.” He smiled skrtvli again. “then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic.” he moaned. [How does he know these things?!]
“ohh.” now everything was making sense for me. “so is dumblydor your princepill?” I shouted.

“uh-huh.” he looked at his black nails. “im in slitherin’” [I forget who was Headmaster at the time, but it wasn't Dumbledore. He was a lowly professor.]
“OMfG SHME TOO!” I SHRIEDKED. [Everyone is. The rest are 'prepz'.]
“u go to this skull?”(geddit cos im goffik [oh piss off]) he asked.

“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters [this is the 40's]. “STUPID GOFFS!”

satan rolled his eyes. “his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we’re in slytherine and we’re not preps.” [It's probably more to do with your being a subculture with a notorious aversion to work.]

I turned around angrily. “actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord.” [She's rather an idiot, wouldn't you agree?]

“wtf?” he asked angrily. [Well, now we know where he got the idea from.]
“oh nuffin.” I said sweetly.

then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.” [You should be used to that by now.]
“hey where r u goin?” satan asked as I fell. [I'd have thought that was obvious.]
I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry’s classroom. dumblydum wuz dere. “dumblydore I think I just met u.” I said.

“oh yeah I rememba that.” dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik. [She's trying to write time travel well and failing miserably.]

sinister came in. “hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?”

:”um.” I looked at her.

“oh yeaH I forgot bout that.” [Inane conversation is inane.]

“wth how?” I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok. [I hit things, briefly forgetting what they are. But they're 'goffs' so it's OK.]

professor sinster looked sad. “um I was drinking voldemortserum [uh...?].” she started to cry black tears of depression [yup, my tears turn black when I'm depressed as well]. dumblydum didn’t know about them.

“hey r u crying tears of blood?” he asked curiously, tuching a tear. [Actually, they're tears of pure depression.]
“fuck off!” we both said and dumblydum took his hand away. [If I'd have told the headmaster to fuck off, I'd have been expelled. Bert sure is lenient.]
professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. “omfg enoby…I think im addicted to Voldemortserum.” [She's addicted to Voldemort. That's quite scary. Which part of him is the serum made from? Oh... I don't want to know.]

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112 [If you've become addicted to Lord Voldemort, you should probably shoot yourself. In the head. With a shotgun.]

Chapter 33.

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don’t lik da story den ur a prep [I'm proud to be a prep, if you're the alternative] so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz [o.0] nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1 [She's writing a story as well? And Tara's going to HELP?! Oh christ...]

“Oh my fuking god!1” I shooted sadly. “Shud we get u 2 St Manga’s, bitch?” [If any anime permeates into this fic, I will murder.]

“Hel no!” she said. “Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson ["Whoa..."] 4 sum help?”

“Sure I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas. [I sleep in my boxers, thus negating the need to convert crap into pajamas. And then vividly describing them. Also, 'Panama?']
“Hey Sexxy.” I said.

“How’d it go Enoby?” he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking. [We get the picture. We honestly get the picture. I pity you if you don't get the picture by now.]

“Fine.” I reponded. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm.

“How far did u go wif Satan?” Drako asked jealously. [They haven't even reached a base yet. She was barely there 5 minutes.]
“Not 2 far, lol.” I borked. [Bork, bork, bork.]
“Will you hav to do it with him?” Draco asked angstily. [This fic does not need any more angst.]
“I hop not 2 far!111” I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched. [Yeah, I kiss people after I shoot them as well.]
“What happened 2 Snipe?” I growled.

“U will see.” Draco giggled mistressly. He opened a door……………Snap nd Lumpkin [o.0] werz there!11 Serious waz pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. [I fail to comprehend that sentence, so I'm just going to nod my head.]

“NOOOO PLZ!1111” Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood [Wait... He's not a vampire. This is Sirius we're talking about, isn't it? And who the hell's Lumpkin?!]. I laffed statistically ["101010101010101010101z"]. I tok some photons of him [o.0] and Snap bing torqued [o.0]. (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz [no they're not] nd Snap trid 2 rap dem [fo' shizzle] and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz [wait, what? WHAT?! WHAAAAA?!?!]). We took sum of Snipe’s blod [as you do] den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves were kinda drity so I pot [oh god... And yes, your clothes are very dirty. They always are. Slut] on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven’t herd of it den FUK U  
[not a bad film on a technical level. But I should think nearly everyone's heard of it]!111) . I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on ‘desolition liverz’ by MCR. [You said "your rooms. That implies you went to your individual rooms. This reads as if Draco's in your room.]
Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez [that was a waste of time. Surely they'd be hornier naked? Then again, the way Enoby dresses, that could be disputed]. I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak, lolz [hilarious]. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge [The Grudge never made out with people]. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. [OK... She has a wetness, and he has a you-know-what, not the other way around. Writing 'penis' and 'vagina' would have negated this problem. Unless she got them confused. Furthermore, an orgy is not what she thinks. She means 'orgasm', which means she must suffer from some form of prematurity, considering it happened as soon as he put his vagina inside her penis.]

“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation. [He got an erection AFTER he entered her? WHAT?!]

“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol. [Hilarious, I'm sure. He can't love her that much as he can't even get her name right. Then again, neither can she.]
Chapter 34.

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story [unfortunately, yes]!11 u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U [it's all so black and white for her]!111 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1


I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone [she doesn't seem to care]. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees [I really don't care]. There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots [I presume the dash is supposed to indicate an elongated sound? Like 'boooooooooooots'. That sounds about right]. Suddenly…………………. Sorious cocked on da door [he... cocked on the door? WHAT?!]. I hopened it. [His cock? Oooh, that was cheap...]
“Hi Ibony [that's a new one].” he said. “Gezz wut u have 2 cum [hur hur] 2 Profesor Sinistor’s office.”

“Ok.” I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway. [Even though you're not fucking Draco? There's still something in the water then.]
“So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?” I asked Sorious flirtily. [I think Sirius is a bit too old for you.]
“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way [I could convert that utterance into binary, but I really can't be bothered]. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”

I laughed evilly.

“Where r Draco and Vampira?” I muttered. [Great, Harry's had a sex change now.]

“Dey are xcused form skool 2day.” Sodomize moaned sexily [there's no ways that can be a mistake]. “Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas.”

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic [Link broken. You fail.]

( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum. [Yup, that's the way to overcome an addiction.]

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.

“Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited [go cold turkey you lazy bitch].” she said sadly. “Good luck. Fangz!”

And then……….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around……………I was in da Grate Hall [we've been over this] eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan [as you do]. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes [40's. 40's. 40's. 40's]. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed……he was drinking a portent. [He was drinking a sign of terrible things to come? I... See...]

“Whose he!11” I asked.

“Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn [o.0].” Satan said. “He’s da Portents teacher [I can feasibly imagine Hogwarts students being taught how to read and recognise portents. However, they already are]…………..Ebony?”

“Yah?” I asked.

“Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat.” [40's. 40's. 40's. 40's.]

“Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?” [She obviously does.]

Well, that was thoroughly mind-numbing. I'd write something using a superior use of the English language to this, but I really don't have the energy. And My Immortal has given me a headache.

Until next time!


Luke Clarke said...

Please stop...

These things are killing, how can anything this terrible be allowed to be shown to anyone?!

Teddy Leach said...

LC: I will never stop... It shall never stop. I must tear apart the fail. It has to be destroyed.

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, "bitca" isn't a misspelling. It's a poorly-executed reference to a very bad joke from the early seasons of Buffy (Willow spells out the word "bitch" instead of saying it, and Xander mishears the "h" as an "a", and wonders what a "bitca" is).

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