5 Facts About Teddy

A very small post to tide you over until tomorrow when there will, hopefully, be an update on my film photography. I'll hopefully have something to show for all my time in the darkroom by then (I already have several photos developed, but not scanned). So may I present: 5 facts about Teddy.

1, I've been a photographer for about two years, after apparently picking it up "unnaturally quickly". I've owned a compact camera, an Olympus, for years, but hadn't considered it a hobby. That changed when I went on holiday to Jersey and started using my father's advanced compact and film SLR. It went on from there and I now own my own digital SLR, and consider it my greatest hobby.

2, One of my greatest flaws is how introverted I am. True, blogging and Let's Playing aren't very introverted. If you know me personally, however, you'll know I am highly introverted, not caring much for company. While there is company I do care for, this is still my greatest flaw and what I constantly chastise myself over. I, having no siblings, am greatly accustomed to being on my own and, as such, am comfortable in my own company. I'll often go out for long walks on my own, purposely going places I know other people do not frequent. A personality is something that is learned and conditioned, largely from one's own self. I don't mean that I wallow in solitude, I simply am used to and accept it. I'll only make a conceited effort with a very few people. Because of how I naturally am, I can alienate the people who care about me, and that is something I will never forgive myself for.

3, My favourite piece of classical music is Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. There's... not much I can actually say here. It's just a beautiful piece of music, with a highly solitary mood. My favourite playing of it would be Claudio Arrau's rendition; in my opinion, one of the most timid but affecting. Give it a listen.

4, My favourite CRPG of all time is Planescape: Torment, followed by Gothic, followed by Baldur's Gate. Planescape has a wonderfully written story of immortal betrayal, love, war, honour, and many other factors. It asks you the question "what can change the nature of a man?" You may never find out the answer, but the story is in the journey. Your character, nameless, is doomed to an endless cycle of death and rebirth. You do not know how long this has happened for, but you repeatedly come across the consequences of your previous lives. You come across Deionarra early, but I always thought it was one of the most powerful scenes in the game. Damn my inability to find a clear English version with no commentary, but give it a watch. It's a world where belief can change everything.

5, it's worth saying at this point that I do not believe in God, Satan, Chuck Norris, Santa, or the Tooth Fairy. With that out of the way... I have developed a mild case of morbid curiosity in the Inquisitions (the concept of the Inquisition being an organisation with near-limitless power forming the basis for a series of short stories. The introduction of which you can see below). This curiosity/fascination has led my to read, cover to cover, the Malleus Malificarum (loosely translated as The Hammer of Witches). This was essentially the handbook for all Inquisitors and anywhere from aided to taught them how to identify, try, and execute witches. I've actually read it three times now (in English of course), and my curiosity has increased each time. I now feel confident that I could now go witch hunting, although modern society does tend to frown on that sort of thing. Somewhat inevitably, however, this has resulted into my developing a strange, almost Lovecraftian fascination with Christian books detailing the occult. The most recent one I've read is an English copy of le Grimoire du Pape Honorius: something you could see as a manual pertaining to the summoning of demons, written by Pope Honorius, no less. The thing deals with Lucifer and Astaroth, and can probably pull you down to hell if you look at it for too long. An occultist, Eliphas Levi, described it as "horrible, wicked, and profane" - it's frankly a little unnerving and it makes you feel like the tendrils of pure evil are pouring into your brain. It's very Lovecraftian. But now you know that if you have any occult books laying around that you don't want, you can always send them to me and help me lose even more of my sanity!

Until next time!
Teddy

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Teddy's 5 Portrait Photography Tips

People have been asking me for several weeks now if I have any tips for portrait photography. I'm not entirely sure why, as I don't really do portrait photography as a rule. Nevertheless, people have been asking me repeatedly. So now I cave! Here are my 5 tips for shooting portraits (and by portraits I'm referring to any photograph that involves the use of models).

1, Get to know your model. I wouldn't blame you if you thought this wasn't important, I really wouldn't. But it honestly does have a noticeable impact on your final photograph. David Bailey struck up a wonderful chemistry with his models, and that can be seen in the dynamism of his shots. Your model is a person too: he or she isn't just a robot who's there to do what you want. Obviously you do want them to do what you want, and that means striking up a good working relationship with them, so that they want your photographs to come out as well as you do. Trust me, it works.

2, Know your lighting. People say it's hard to get lighting right. It isn't, as long as you know what you want. There are hundreds of different set-ups, but, frankly, it's just a case of finding something you like and using it. You can even use natural light if you don't have access to lights, but bear in mind that it's harder to control. You should always give a thought to lighting, and test it out before you shoot. In the digital age, we have the luxury of being able to waste shots. So use those shots for testing purposes.

3, Composition. What I mean by this (if you are unaware) is how the image is framed and put together. There aren't really any guidelines for good and bad compositions. We have 'rules' such as the rule of thirds, but it's a matter of preference whether you follow them or not. They're more guidelines than rules. It's easier if I show you than explain, so see four of my images:

Yeah, there is but one person. But you see what I mean by different compositions. All of these are 'right'. All of these are 'wrong'. The 'rule' for portraiture is to not place the subject in the centre of the frame. But that can work too, provided you have other elements in the image. See The Dummy (the first image), for example.

4, Follow your style. I've waffled on about style before. If you're a photographer, you'll have a style, even if you don't know what it is. In this case, show your model your photographs, and let him or her improvise for you. Funny as it sounds, you're never the best judge of how your photographs look. David Leslie Anthony's photographs have a physically dynamic and powerful style, so check him out to see what I mean. It's honestly not difficult to do. You just need to know yourself and how your work appears to other people. More importantly, you need to know what you're looking for, always.

5, The eyes. What I believe to be the most beautiful part of a person is often the most complex thing to get right. It's all up to personal preference, but my preferences are:

• Shoot below the eyeline if you're facing your model.
• Don't let your model's eyes look 'into' the camera - it looks more natural if a model's eyes are looking slightly above the camera. Again, however, this depends entirely on what you want out of your photograph; looking into the camera accentuates the eyes and automatically makes you notice the rest of the face.
•  Riffing off the last one, have your model's eyes looking away from the camera - to a side. It helps to give the shot a degree of thought, as well as making it look more natural.
• Brighten them, either in-camera or in post-processing. It makes them stand out, and gives your image an extra 'element'.

Again, this depends on what you want. The way I do it is not the way another photographer does it, and it is by no means the 'right way'. The trick is to experiment and to find what you like and what you think is 'good'.

Well, I hope these have been a help to y'all!

Until next time!
Teddy

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The Inquisition

A man walks through the cold, decrepit streets. The moon rose hours ago. He strides, long, authoritatively. Peasants unwise enough to be outside see him, and flinch. Cower. Their eyes focus on his ring. It tells them who he his, what he is. Why he is there. They know enough to stay away. All but one. The simple peasant jostles the imposing, striding figure. The figure garbed in a cloak worthy of royal ownership over bulky armour with a dull shine. As the peasant jostles, the larger figure appears to blink out of existence in an eruption of black light. Past the peasant, he blinks back into existence, not once breaking pace.

He strides, purposefully, his hand eventually resting on the hilt of his sword. More peasants see him and his ring. A chunky golden signet ring engraved with an eye wreathed in laurels. They stay away. He rounds a corner and embarks down an alleyway. The cold is visible in the air now. He rounds another corner and takes but one step into a more open square. He stands and sees his target. He draws his sword in a flash, pointing it directly to the ground.

An enormous creature composed of fused flesh and sinew is engrossed in it's meal of flesh. Pustules rapidly form and burst on it's skin, skin marked with lesions and weeping sores. The Inquisitor starts to run, faster than a normal human ever could. He careers towards the beast, and moves his sword in a quick slash that seems to cut the very air. The beast roars, it's arm severed. It strikes as best it can with it's other arm. upon every strike that would connect, the Inquisitor blinks out of existence and reappears inches away. The beast, despite it's strength and bulk, has no chance. When an opportunity appears, the Inquisitor blinks to behind the beast and skewers it on his sword. Before it can react, he uses it as a platform to get onto the beast's shoulders, whereupon he wrenches the sword out of it's back. Despite the beast's best efforts to shake him off, it is decapitated in seconds. The beast falls, the Inquisitor calmly keeps balance, only adjusting his footing slightly. Stepping off the bleeding corpse, he disappears as quickly as he arrived.

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Staples Of Your Stereotypical FPS

While I was desperately trying to shake off my hangover yesterday, I got thinking about those little factors that every single FPS game seems to do nowadays. Yes, I am well aware that many FPS' subvert these somewhat, but we're going for stereotypes here! So here I present you with a comprehensive list of 20 staples of your typical FPS game, be it console or PC. Read it as a 'what not to do' if you prefer. Here we go:

1, When you look down, you will find you are just a floating pair of hands holding a gun. You have no body. It's even a TV Trope: First Person Ghost, it's called. Observe this artist's impression of Anne from Trespasser (also soullessly ripped from TVT).

2, Your health will magically regenerate on it's own, providing you avoid getting shot for a few seconds. Are you Wolverine? Quite possibly, as you can theoretically survive countless bullets as long as you take a few seconds out to let your wounds magically close.

3, A headshot will kill instantly. You may say this is "fair enough", but in reality, plenty of people survive getting shot in the head from any distance other than point blank range. They're more in danger of bleeding to death than dying from any brain injury. Yes, you're not likely to survive getting shot in the head, but it won't kill you instantly, unless it was a big enough impact with a big enough bullet, or enough shot to shred your brain. You'd probably be dead in a few minutes though.

4, Leading from point 3, a headshot may inexplicably cause an opponent's head to explode. This was lampshaded in Hot Fuzz, "Is it true that there is a place in a man's head where, if you shoot it, it will blow up?". JFK died this way, and guns of a large enough calibre can also do this. Sometimes. The truth is, though, that human heads are not made of explodium.

5, If you have allies, they will either need constant babysitting, charge off without you, or send you off on your own to fulfil some objective or other.

6, Every bullet anyone fires from any gun will apparently be a tracer. Now, if any attempt at realism was made, the barrel of said gun would wear out incredibly quickly, as tracers put extra wear on the barrel. Tracers actually appear every nth round, or at the end of a magazine, to tell the person firing to reload. Fair enough, though, if a crosshair is missing.

7, Bullet penetration does not exist. Thank god more and more games aren't doing this these days. It's the concept that a thin wooden wall can withstand an infinite hail of bullets, with not a single one erupting out the other side. Also used with body-armour on enemies, making you look for a 'weak-spot'.

8, You can dual-wield pistols and uzis. Sometimes even bigger weapons. A little tip from the annals of real life: you will probably not hit anything, and there's a reason people are trained to fire those small weapons with two hands. Yes, Jack Bauer does this, but he's fucking Jack Bauer. But even he traditionally uses one pistol with both hands.

9, It will either be modern against terrorists, or WW2 era against Nazis. This is disturbingly prevalent.

10, Steve Blum will voice either a character or multiple characters. I actually don't have any problem with this though, as Steve's got a voice made of awesome.

11, There will be a level in a sewer. I don't know why games feel the need to make us crawl around in shit. Note, however, these sewers will be enormous; usually big enough that three fully grown men could stand on each other's shoulders and still have plenty of room to move around in.

12, You can fire a rocket launcher in a confined space, even with your back to a wall. No you can't, thanks to backblast, which will just cook you.

13, Enemies will either flat-out not need to reload or will carry an infinite number of magazines. Unlike you.

14, A tranq dart fired to the head or heart will knock out an enemy instantly. It should actually take a minimum of 30 seconds. Even a baby wouldn't be knocked out instantly (probably. I've not actually tested that).

15, You have either bottomless pockets, or are restricted to two or three weapons at a time. But there is no realistic limit on how many magazines you can carry. Have you ever tried to carry 50 9mm clips?

16, You will not be able to climb or jump a waist-high fence, unless the game tells you that you can.

17, There are metal barrels, and they explode when shot.

18, Cars and other vehicles will explode with enough bullets.

19, You can't physically strike at people even if they're right in your face. This one's being averted with more and more games now, but it still happens and is very jarring when it does. Why can't you hit people who are literally in your own face?

20, Your guns will not fire bullets. They will fire hitscans; where the game basically just scans ahead and hits the first thing in your line of fire. This is averted when bullet physics exist, but that is depressingly seldom.

Oh, how I long for a remake of Sniper Elite...

Until next time!
Teddy

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Merry Bonfire Night!

Yes, merry anniversary of the failed Gunpowder Plot!

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,

The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,

I know of no reason

Why the Gunpowder Treason

Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, 'twas his intent

To blow up the King and Parli'ment.

Three-score barrels of powder below

To prove old England's overthrow;

By God's providence he was catch'd

With a dark lantern and burning match.

Hulloa boys, Hulloa boys, let the bells ring.

Hulloa boys, hulloa boys, God save the King!

A penny loaf to feed the Pope.

A farthing o' cheese to choke him.

A pint of beer to rinse it down.

A faggot of sticks to burn him.

Burn him in a tub of tar.

Burn him like a blazing star.

Burn his body from his head.

Then we'll say ol' Pope is dead.

Hip hip hoorah!

Hip hip hoorah!

 

And now I'm off to a party for the night, so...

Until next time!
Teddy

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I Have Selective 'Can't Be Arsed' Syndrome

The title says it all. Oddly, while I really can't be arsed to do legitimate work (which, I might add, needs to be done for tomorrow), I can be arsed to blog about HOW I can't be arsed to do legitimate work. Dear me... if you're interested (and why would you be, you strange person?), it's a piece of extended writing, based on evidence. If it sounds dull, that's because it is. I could theoretically bullshit my way out of doing it, but I suppose I'd best get it done.


*Promptly wastes more time doing a medley of other things.*

Ugh, deary me... I feel as if my brain's off living it up in Miami while my body is slumped here, trying to get the willpower to write some utter bollocks to be handed in tomorrow. I suppose it doesn't help that my notes and the evidence is on an A3 sheet, which I can physically not put anywhere. I've written half a page. I don't have the willpower to do more. I need whiskey. I need a drink. I need energy.


*Teddy disappears for half an hour, drinking whiskey and Red Bull. He comes back and writes at the bottom of the page:*
"Dear work... You are unattractive, and therefore, I can not do you."

Until next time!
Teddy

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Like Going Back In Time

Today, for the first time in years, I used a film camera. Also, for the first time in years, I used a 50mm prime lens. Which was attached to the camera.

The thing was smaller than my Sony SLR, but even heavier (and my Sony is heavy in a satisfying way). It felt like I could stove someone's skull in with it. it was partly metal, so I believe I could have anyway. The camera was a Phenix (a brand I've not heard of for years), although I can't remember the actual model number off the top of my head. It took 35mm film, and had a maximum of 35 exposures. I shoot in full-manual all the time, which is just as well because the thing has absolutely nothing automatic on it. You even have to manually advance the film. Holding it created a grip that I can only describe as 'the claw' - my index finger on the shutter, my thumb on the advance lever which is right behind the shutter, two fingers on the grip, and my little finger resting uncomfortably under the body. It didn't fit well in my hand, and it's small size meant my left hand couldn't wrap comfortably around the prime lens. The dial to adjust the shutter speed was also directly next to the shutter, and rested in an incredibly small space, and I could only adjust it with my index finger.

Sounds like a camera from hell? Well, it also smelt of mothballs. Despite all that, the simplicity of it's fully manual nature left me having a soft spot for it.

The lens on the other hand... Lord only knows how old it was. A prime lens is basically a lens at a fixed focal length: you can't zoom. It's been years since I've used one, and I always use a standard zoom and a telephoto. You might ask why you should ever use one then?

"Why should I ever use a prime lens?"

Well, I'm glad you asked, Sonny-Jim! You should use one because of the aperture range. My standard zoom has a range from (off the top of my head) f32 to f5.6. The Prime lens went from f22 to f1.6. They make lovely portrait lenses due to the wonderful focusing they can do, and are also easy to use. They're also usually cheap (by lens standards).

The thing I used though... Stiff as anything, and dusty as hell, even after I cleaned it. Because of this, it was bloody hard to tell if I was correctly focused. Furthermore, using the camera required me to take a best guess at the settings I'd need (shutter speed and aperture) before framing. I'd invariably underexpose (that's one thing the camera did tell me, before I took a photo. So I needed to break my composition to look at the top of the camera to adjust my settings, then re-frame. It was, frankly, awkward. But I do still hold a soft-spot for the thing.

I've no idea how my photographs turned out as I've not yet developed them. But rest assured, you'll all the the first to know.

Until next time!
Teddy

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