Posted by Lewis on Saturday, December 31, 2011
Hello, happy New Year! I've started writing for The Reticule and I'm still looking for a job, so I simply don't have the time to blog. But still, here's a New Year's special. This is not safe for work. This is not safe for anyone. This is a Harry Potter slashfic. This was emailed to me. This is going to hurt....
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, November 17, 2011
Good evening, dear reader! Remember me? I'm the man who buggered off again....
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, October 02, 2011
There is no good left in the world. There is only low-quality literary porn. Right, let's get this done.
...
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, October 02, 2011
Hello! So apparently I've been doing this for a year....
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, September 11, 2011
Gentlemen. Gentleladies. I'm back now...
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Hello, my dear, attractive reader! I hope you're well. This is just a short post to let you know that I'm taking a few weeks' blogging holiday. In English, that means I will not be blogging for a few weeks. I know, dear reader, I know.
However! I will have a bit of a treat for you when I'm done with my holiday. I will, dear reader! And it will be glorious. Glorious.
Until then! Keep safe and happy, my dear reader.
Te...
Posted by Lewis on Monday, July 25, 2011
I'll just leave this here...
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, July 14, 2011
Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god oh god. This is the big one. Slightly less famous than My Immortal, but more... Well, you'll see. Oh bloody hell, I can't believe I'm already doing this. Before you click the jump, this fic is EXTREMELY NSFW. Almost dangerously NSFW. You have been warned....
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Good afternoon, dear reader, I hope you're well. This is just a quick post that I wanted to get out of the way before both Dungeons of Dredmor and Cthulhu Saves the World are released on Steam later today...
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, June 25, 2011
This one has been suggested by a kindly reader, one... Well, he didn't actually give me his name, but he's a German chap. Greetings to my German readers! I hope my occasional outburst of gratuitous German is not too terrible for you. Incidentally, thank you for sending it in, my dear reader. The fic is summarised very well by the gentlemen who emailed me about it...
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, June 25, 2011
I wasn't going to make any posts today, because I've caught a Summer Cold (which apparently exist now) and feel like death on ice. I love Summer. But then I decided to peruse my internal blog information, as I usually do when I've checked everything else, and I discovered that one of my readers, SharpFang, has started her own Dramatic Commentary/sporking/self-flagellation of this... This... This... Yes. A tribute, if you will. You should all give it a butcher's (that is English slang for 'a look'), and I would like to encourage Sharpfang to keep it up, for it is most amusing and excellent! She also has a greater knowledge of the canon than me.
Anyway, on with the... On with the... Forgive me if I can't make myself sound enthusiastic....
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I am taking things slowly for a few days, dear reader, as I am practically having a stress baby and am on the verge of stabbing out my left eye to stop it twitching. However, I will persevere and tackle another two 'chapters' of this particular badfic. I'm starting to believe that this is the result of a scientific experiment carried out using a million monkeys and a million typewriters....
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Hello, dear reader! This is just a quick update to let you know that I am indeed still alive, despite the KGB's best efforts. Incidentally, are we still allowed to call them the KGB? I wouldn't want to give Vlad another reason to hate me. Actually, I should probably ask him next time he tries to put polonium on my pizza. Poor Vlad, he's not very good at this assassination lark.
Indeed, dear reader, I am not dead, just very busy. Too busy, unfortunately, to make any meaningful post. Until after Friday at least, when my workload becomes essentially non-existent for several weeks. I do apologise for keeping you in the dark, but I haven't really had the time to write anything more than the occasional sarcastic tweet. Normal service will be resumed on Saturday. unless I celebrate my new non-existent...
Posted by Lewis on Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Oh lordy, dear reader! It's been more than a month since the last time I ripped into this one. I do apologise. I'm currently watching a live-stream of E3, but I'm perfectly happy to wash away the ridiculous Wiiu (WEEOO, WEEOO, WEEOO) from my mind by finishing the last chapter of this particular badfic....
Posted by Lewis on Friday, June 03, 2011
It's happened. I've played Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Although not the full version, you understand. A while ago, a preview build containing a third of the game was given to various games journalists so that they could write about their impressions of it. Not very long ago, this build was leaked onto the internet. Someone's in for a roasting. But, thanks to a kindly chap armed with a memory stick, I have played this build, and am ready to offer my opinions on it....
Posted by Lewis on Monday, May 30, 2011
Good afternoon, dear reader! I do hope you're well. It's a bank holiday here in the UK, so I've been celebrating by doing absolutely nothing whatsoever. Well, almost nothing, as I shall soon point out....
Posted by Lewis on Monday, May 16, 2011
It's the last chapter, dear reader! I can do this. We can do this. Let's do this....
Posted by Lewis on Friday, May 13, 2011
It is a shame that Blogger fucked up and deleted the draft of this post, dear reader. Because I'm feeling twice as murderous and bad tempered as I was the first time I wrote this post. Right, let's see what this fucking terrible fic is doing, shall we? Incidentally, I'm sorry I haven't posted particularly recently, but I've been very busy, as my 13 Twitter followers have been informed. Yes, only 13. If you have a Twitter and are not following me... Well, there's nothing I can do to make you follow me. It's also probably for the best, what with my live-tweeting porn movies and what not. Yes, really.
...
Posted by Lewis on Friday, April 29, 2011
Good evening, dear reader! I say that because it's evening, of course. How are you? I do hope you're well. I'm fantastic. So fantastic, in fact, that I'm exploiting modern technology to bring you this post while in the bath! It certainly makes a change from tweeting while in the bath. No, I'm not going to make a reference about my being wet like I normally do. If you, my dear reader, don't know what I'm talking about, you can find a feed and link to my Twitter on the right-hand side of this very page. I can't link you to it myself seeing as technology hasn't progressed enough to let me copy and paste links.
So, onto the news! Well, I am very pleased to say that my little corner of the internet is snowballing! I have been garnering around 150 readers a day for several weeks now. If you are...
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, April 24, 2011
I'm far too sober for this, but I'm going to give it a crack anyway, dear reader.
...
Posted by Lewis on Tuesday, April 19, 2011
As I sit here with a bacon sandwich and am contemplating walking the eight or so miles to the university (and then the eight or so miles back), I have decided to tackle another couple of chapters of that horrible Warrior Cats 'fic'. Let's do this, dear reader.
...
Posted by Lewis on Monday, April 18, 2011
After being bullied and coerced by a very non-threatening chap, I have agreed to set myself up a page where you can, should you feel the urge, send me money. Or, should you feel an even crazier urge, send me things to do video reviews of....
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, April 14, 2011
My contempt for this fic is palpable, dear reader. It's just not very good at all. So let's see what's going on in the crazy world of James, Pyramid Head, and Mary Sue Cindy....
Posted by Lewis on Monday, April 11, 2011
Obligatory disclaimer: the PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. This disclaimer will get longer as more things get added to it....
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, April 07, 2011
I've just 'read' (if you can call it that) this intrepid tale of.... Actually, I'm not sure what. It just seems to be a load of words, letters, and numbers jumbled together in a rather mish-mash manner. This was brought to my attention by a kindly reader, SharpFang. I'd like to encourage more of that, dear reader....
Posted by Lewis on Monday, April 04, 2011
Oh well, dear reader, this thing has only 6 chapters, so there's not much pain left after this. Famous last words....
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, April 02, 2011
I can do an impression of the magical 'Twitter Bird'. Tweet-tweet! Tweet-Tweet!...
Posted by Lewis on Friday, April 01, 2011
*ɔısnɯ uʍopʇnɥs* ˙uʍop ʇnɥs ʍou snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous llıʍ ⇂0˙⇂ ʎppǝʇ ˙uʍop ʇnɥs ʇsnɯ puɐ ɹoɹɹǝ lɐʇɐɟ ɐ pǝɹǝʇunoɔuǝ sɐɥ ʎppǝʇ
snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ¡ǝɯ dlǝɥ `poƃ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ ˙ǝƃɐd snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ʇɔɐʇuoɔ ʎɯ ɥƃnoɹɥʇ ǝɯ ɥʇıʍ ɥɔnoʇ uı ʇǝƃ plnoɔ noʎ ɟı ʇı ǝʇɐıɔǝɹddɐ plnoʍ ʎllɐǝɹ ı
snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ¡ʎuunɟ ǝuoƃ s,ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ʍou ʇnq ˙puıɯ snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ʎɯ ǝʌoɹdɯı oʇ `ǝǝs noʎ `ʎɯoʇoqol ɐ ƃuıʌɐɥ sɐʍ ı ˙ɹǝılɹɐǝ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo ʎɹǝƃɹns pǝɯɹoɟɹǝd oɥʍ uɐɯ ʎɥʇlıɟ ʇɐɥʇ ɟo ʇlnɐɟ ǝɥʇ snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous s,ʇı ʞuıɥʇ ı
˙snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ˙ɯopuɐɹ ʇɐ ,snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous, pɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ƃuıdʎʇ dǝǝʞ ı `oslɐ ¡uʍop ǝpısdn sʞool ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ puɐ ƃuıʞɹoʍ ʇ,uǝɹɐ sɹǝʇʇǝl snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous lɐʇıdɐɔ ʎɯ ˙ƃuoɹʍ ǝuoƃ s,ƃuıɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ ˙ǝɯ dlǝɥ poƃ ɟo ǝʌol ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ `ɹǝpɐǝɹ snƃɐɥdoǝlɟɟous ɹɐǝp `ǝɯ d...
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, March 31, 2011
Good evening, dear reader! I do hope you're well. We all know when the days start getting longer, that wasps crawl out of their nests to wreak havoc on humanity. So it was that this morning, while I was enjoying a game of Battlefield 2142 and not giving a shit about anything, a wasp decided that it would ruin my fun by flying through the window and attempting to murder me....
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, March 27, 2011
This one is something special, dear reader, and not in a good way. It's special in a very bad way. You probably realised this by reading the title. Technically, it's a Dragonball Z fic. Before I go on, need I say that this is not safe for either work or your brain? Do bear that in mind before you go past the jump. I feel that I should also say that this is the first fic to win the brand new 'oh god, make it stop' label....
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, March 26, 2011
As I write this, dear reader, I am listening to Rammstein at full volume, so do forgive me if I slip into German.
...
Posted by Lewis on Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Two brand new PC titles come out today: Crysis 2 and Lego Star Wars III! Isn't that good news, dear reader? Actually, if you don't think that's good news, just humour me for a few minutes. Unfortunately, if you don't think the plural of 'Lego' is 'Legos', and don't drop the 's' from 'maths', you're not going to be able to play these two titles until they are released across the pond, which will be on Friday. This is ridiculous....
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, March 19, 2011
Oh, I have been neglecting you this month, dear reader. I do apologise. To make up for it, I'm going to start off another Dramatic Commentary! Since the one I was going to do has mysteriously vanished from the interwebs, I think I'll give you a Silent Hill badfic. This one be called Broken Pieces, and it be very bad indeed. As far as I know, it's not a trollfic, which does make a nice change. I'll let the summary speak for it:...
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, March 19, 2011
I hate this fic, dear reader, I really do.
Chapter 3
In the African country [yes, just a miscellaneous African country. Maybe we can pretend it's Libya? Hopefully 47 will be shot by Gadaffi's troops] there were shack towns because people were poor and leaders would not help. [Oh. It is Libya then.]
A woman was trying to fix her house was bald guy who was Mr. 47 came to talk to her [pardon me? A man with a goatee who was called Teddy was confused and irritated]. "Excuse me, but I was asked to talk do [the writer misspelled 'to'. Win] everyone about King Bascule."
"He is a horrible asshole." She said. "He makes us work in oil mines [an... Oil mine? You mine for minerals. Oil is not a mineral. It is black goop] and does not give enough food or money for even an OK life!"
"Ok that checks...
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, March 05, 2011
Once again, dear reader, I have been let down on the prospect of a night out. Thus far anyway. But rejoice, for that means you get some more DC to devour! There's a marked deterioration in this chapter, incredibly...
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, March 03, 2011
Someone has defiled my beautiful Hitman canon! 47 has been... Fuck, you'll find out, dear reader. I'll let the summary speak for itself: "Hitman is a hitman who kills but he when he has to hit John Delaware, a surprise will await him." It lives here....
Posted by Lewis on Monday, February 28, 2011
Ok... Last chapter. I can do this....
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, February 27, 2011
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, February 24, 2011
Good evening, dear reader, I do hope you're well! I had something of a wonderful discovery yesterda...
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, February 19, 2011
A friend of mine has started doing a dramatic reading of this terrible fic. You really should go check it out, dear reader, if you can stomach being exposed to each chapter again...
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, February 12, 2011
I haven't been keeping abreast of the latest media scares, so I'll just assume that they're currently claiming that there's an outbreak of flesh-eating gerbils and we're all going to die. I've honestly stopped paying attention to the bloody scare-mongers. Although I did start thinking earlier today: what if all of those horrible things the media enjoys ramming down our throats were actually real threats? What if they all happened to me? What if I only mention the sillier things...
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Good evening, dear reader! I hope you're well? Shall we settle down and do another chapter of this trollfic...
Posted by Lewis on Friday, February 04, 2011
*Grumbles something about idiocy and terrible fanfics.* These two chapters are very short, so I'll do them together. I fear for my brain...
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, February 03, 2011
Dear reader, today is a sad day. I'll just let that sink in for a minute. To help it sink in, stare at the image below until you feel adequately saddene...
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, January 30, 2011
Hello, Twila... Ugh, I could swear that this thing is draining my IQ. But do it I must, because I love you all, dear readers! I suffer through these so you don't have to. And for the entertainment value, of cours...
Posted by Lewis on Friday, January 28, 2011
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the po...
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm utterly useless at this concentration lark. As the majority of my work must be done on the computer, I am subjected to the internet for far longer that is healthy for one's mental health, nearly every day. I have a number of favourite websites which I view every day, such as Rock, Paper, Shotgun, and Newgrounds. Not to mention YouTube, DeviantArt, and of course, my very own blog, right here. It's perhaps inevitable that I compulsively hop from site to site looking for things that I've not seen before. Consequentially, I am terrible when it comes to concentrating on actual important wor...
Posted by Lewis on Friday, January 21, 2011
You may have noticed that there is a new banner at the top of this page. Yes, this page. This one. The tagline is slightly blurry because the design that I'm using hates my guts and compresses anything I put up there. Without some complicated coding, I can't fix it. Therefore, I will not fix it. It is also at it's maximum size there, just so as you know. And lo! Dost thou see the steampunk gentleman in the banner? The sprite? His name is Bertram, and he is my mascot.
Feel the power.
I like all things steampunk, therefore my mascot is a steampunk gentleman. Incidentally, he is a sprite reproduction of a character I made long ago in the Gaia Avatar...
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Can you believe this thing lasts 12 chapters? Also, I'll need to do some more My Immortal soon. When I get that thing out of the way, we can move on to stranger things...
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monsieur Luke Clarke said something to me after this place's overhaul: it was something along the lines of my banner being boring. And indeed, he is correct! I've not had the virtue of encountering a small rubber man while walking in the rain, so I can not use one for my banner. Unlike him! I mean, just look at i...
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, January 16, 2011
I made myself this the other day, and it was absolutely lovely. It is a roast tomato soup with chorizo and fresh fish, as well as fish stock. I didn't actually grab a picture of what mine looked like, so I'll just pull one off google......
Posted by Lewis on Thursday, January 13, 2011
Okie dokie, dear reader, we've another short one today. I am genuinely considering making them into multiple-bills, like I have with My Immortal, but I fear for my sanity if I do that. Anyway, let's get crackin...
Posted by Lewis on Monday, January 10, 2011
Oh, this is a special one, dear reader, so very special... I've been waiting for this. You see, at this point in the fic, Tara's account supposedly got hijacked by a woman of malicious intent. A troll. The results of this hacking are highly amusing, as the troll wrote her own little chapter in the fic. Indeed, the fic could have been ended there, for reasons which we shall shortly see. Let's do this, dear reader...
Posted by Lewis on Monday, January 10, 2011
We have a new look! And it is swanky indeed, dear reader. No more stark neutral minimalism, we've bombed straight into the modern age. We have featured posts and everything!
Rest assured that the text formatting is not broken - it just appears to be broken in the post summary before the jump.
Until next time!
Te...
Posted by Lewis on Monday, January 10, 2011
The Man With Stuff may be badly stuffed up for the remainder of today. This is because I am giving the thing an overhaul, hopefully taking it into the modern day. Down with minimalism!
Until then!
Te...
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, January 09, 2011
By 'insane', I of course mean, I. Me. Myself. Yes. Pancake. Permit me to ramble, dear reader! What is new in the world of Teddy? Is anything new? Have new things made themselves known? Am I going crazy? Have I already gone crazy?
Well, I'm back playing Urban Dead, or UD, as the players like to call it. I've resurrected my PKer, Scheffer, and rejoined Red Rum, which may go some way to explain my utter madness. Pancake. I've also resurrected an old Pro-survivor account, who certainly does not go by the name of Teddy. Oh no, sir. I suggest you start playing UD. All of you. NOW! It's fun and also has a lovely metagame. Provided you don't join a...
Posted by Lewis on Wednesday, January 05, 2011
It turns out doing this in increments was actually a good idea, as this takes me neatly up to a milestone in My Immortal: chapter 39. You'll see when we get there, dear reader.
Chapter 35. gost of u [When she's quite blatantly copying song titles from her terrible bands, you'd think she'd spell them properly.]
AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea [what idea? Uh-oh, this won't end well... I refuse to believe people were giving her ideas]!1 u rok! fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U [that's not strictly true, is it?]!111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius...
Posted by Lewis on Tuesday, January 04, 2011
I will never be defeated by this fic. It may reduce me to dumbfoundedness, but it shall never defeat me. This chapter is tiny, but I don't want to absorb too much of this thing at once.
OK PPL HU REVIEW 2 SAY SHIT ABOUT MI STORI CAN GO FUKK DEMSELFS. my stori is beleiveble [blatant lies are blatant lies. You just won the coveted 'bullshit' label] u just hav 2 keep readin n u can c y [it's against my better judgment, but I have to]!1 but to ppl hu gav me good reveiws, THANX U GUYZ ROKK 333 LUV U [I wouldn't say that if I were you, you obviously don't know what they're doing.]CHAPTER 3"Hey betch wat r u doin home." midnite asked. [Uh... Wasn't she with the Cullens in the previous chapter? Are there two of them? Or does she just suffer from short term memory loss? Or does she just suffer...
Posted by Lewis on Monday, January 03, 2011
Righty, let's do some more this this terrible trollfic. It's only a short one today, as I really can't be arsed with absorbing too much Twilight and sparkly vampires.
FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine [it really isn't] u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos. if u lik bella [I would never lick Bella, no matter how drunk I was] i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names. [I'd like to say that if you've read something, you shouldn't write like this. Unfortunately, the offending article is Twilight, so I'll let it slide.]and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE [o.0]. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER [If you wanted conclusive proof that this is a troll, you now have it.]OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2.XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXWen...
Posted by Lewis on Sunday, January 02, 2011
Hmm... The tip of my tongue's gone numb. The only cure is more cowbell. Unfortunately, I don't have a cowbell, so I'll have to make do with tearing apart some more My Immortal.
Chapter 31.
AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs [she's making words up now]!111 stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u [I don't need to know what's going to happen to know that it's gonna be crap]!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox ["son of a bitch" is not unique to Buffy. I wish Buffy'd come along and kill the entire cast of My Immortal]!111).” Serious said 2 Snape.
“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Snap clamed. [He was certainly teaching them something,...
Posted by Lewis on Saturday, January 01, 2011
This shall henceforth be known as TDGWWILWAV. If only to make it sound more horrendous than it actually is. Unfortunately, that is an impossible task, dear reader. This thing... Well, it's bad. Very bad. Brain-bleach bad. Fortunately, however (and this is fortunate) it's actually a trollfic. That's right, it's not actually serious! Which is a good job, frankly. I've seen some genuinely bad writing, but this might have took the cake. It's a Twilight trollfic, and it's very bad indeed. It also takes it's inspiration from My Immortal, so god help you all.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
CHAPTER 1 [Hmm... I wonder what it's going to be about? Also, it should be obvious. Notice how her name's a shortened version of 'Twilight'? Or it at least...
