After being bullied and coerced by a very non-threatening chap, I have agreed to set myself up a page where you can, should you feel the urge, send me money. Or, should you feel an even crazier urge, send me things to do video reviews of.
365 Project Has Commenced!
Aye, dear reader, that is correct. I have started the dreaded 365 project. The dreaded project that insane photographers take. The dreaded project where one must take an art-worthy photograph every day. I shall almost certainly regret starting this, but no doubt I shall feel incredible relief this time next year, when I shall have finished. Wish me luck, dear reader!
2012
Okie dokie, no less than three people have pointed out to me today that it is two years until the 21st of December, 2012. My first response was "congratulations", but then I remembered what's so important about that date: the world is apparently supposed to end. Just before Christmas as well, typical. I then proceeded to go into great lengths about why it is a fucking stupid notion that the world will end. Permit me to inform you of the reasons why the world will not end, dear reader.
Savory Flan Recipe
Indubitably, dear reader! I often make myself flan for tea, especially if there's no-one else in the house. Mainly because it's exceptionally quick and easy. And it also tastes good!
5 Portrait Photography Tips
People have been asking me for several weeks now if I have any tips for portrait photography. I'm not entirely sure why, as I don't really do portrait photography as a rule. Nevertheless, people have been asking me repeatedly. So now I cave! Here are my 5 tips for shooting portraits (and by portraits I'm referring to any photograph that involves the use of models).
Okie dokie, no less than three people have pointed out to me today that it is two years until the 21st of December, 2012. My first response was "congratulations", but then I remembered what's so important about that date: the world is apparently supposed to end. Just before Christmas as well, typical. I then proceeded to go into great lengths about why it is a fucking stupid notion that the world will end. Permit me to inform you of the reasons why the world will not end, dear reader.
Let me ask plainly: Is the world going to end? The answer is: of course it fucking well isn't. If that's all you wanted, you can now get on with your life, safe in the knowledge you've got no excuse to start panicking. No, seriously, I mean it. The top scientific minds of the world back me up.
If you are, however, still here, allow me to explain why the world will not end. I will use the magic of facts, rather than the speculation the scaremongers keep regurgitating. What is more, I shall make it a list, because we all like lists! OK, dear reader, let's go.
A scaremonger would tell you that the Mayan Calendar ends on the 21st of December 2012. That's not, strictly speaking, accurate. What actually happens is that the Mayan Long-Count period ends. That's nothing important though, because then a new one starts. If it helps, just picture it as a bloody long year. Does the world end when your calendar ends? No it doesn't, you just buy a new one. It's the same concept here. The end of the Mayan Long-Count period means absolutely nothing, and yet it is often the argument most often given. Their calendar does not just cease to exist, it just restarts.
Another argument is the following: a planet called Nibiru, a hypothetical planet discovered by the Sumerians, will impact the Earth. You read that correctly: hypothetical. It does not exist. Even if I hadn't read NASA's articles on it, I still know enough to tell you it's not real. I became vaguely fascinated by the theory when I first came across it, then quickly debunked it in my mind. For a planet to impact with us, it has to be approaching us, correct? To hit us in two years, it has to be fairly close, correct? If it is close enough to hit us in two years, why can we not see it? And, more importantly, why isn't it being tracked by every astronomer in the world? The answer, simply, is because it doesn't exist. In fact, let me talk to you a little about the origins of this theory. It was first proposed in 1995 by Nancy Lieder, founder of the website ZetaTalk. She claims to be a contactee: someone who can receive messages from aliens. She claims she was chosen to warn humanity that Niburu would either impact Earth, or pass within close proximity, causing a pole-shift (more on that later). I believe in the supernatural, but that's fucking ridiculous. Oh, do you know what else? Nibiru was initially supposed to kill us all in May 2003. it was changed to the titular 2012 when nothing happened.
The Polar-Shift theory is that the Earth's crust perform a 180, thus causing north to become south. This is supposed to happen in as little as a few hours. It would reverse the orbit of the Earth, and bad things would happen. But do you know what? It's impossible. The closest you can ever get to that is the regular tectonic movements, that happen all the time. The consequences of some of them aren't nice, but they're not exactly Armageddon.A good number of websites would spew 'facts' at you, chief among them being that the Earth supposedly has a shift around every 400,000 years. But if that was true, why hasn't the Earth exploded or something by now? Simply because it doesn't cause our orbit to suddenly reverse and give everyone fatal motion sickness. Yes, it does shift at irregular intervals. No, it's not dangerous at all. And no, one's not going to happen for a long time. Certainly not in 2012. You may as well forget they exist.
Let's deal with another impact theory. Some people believe a planet called Eris will impact the Earth and blow us all to Hell. Guess what? Eris is a real planet. It's a 27% larger than Pluto and even has it's own little moon, Dysnomia. It was discovered in 2005 and to the right is it's orbit. Yes, the blue oval: it's further out than Pluto most of the time. The Earth isn't even marked on that chart. Do you know why? Because it's of no consequence: it'll never hit us. Ever. It doesn't matter how mad it's orbit is, it's just not going to. Full stop.
Will there be a meteor that'll hit us and wipe us out? Short answer: no. Long answer: the last meteor that hit us that was powerful enough to cause 'the end of the world' was 65 million years ago, and it ganked most of the dinosaurs. This is NASA's research program on meteors. There's not going to be an impact in 2012. Fair enough, we're always in danger of being hit by a meteor. But if one did hit, it wouldn't hit with the strength to wipe out humanity. More's the pity.
What about a solar storm? Yeah, there's going to be what is called a Solar Maximum (strongest level of solar activity in a cycle) between 2012 and 2014. Every 11 years is a solar cycle, so if you're reading this, you've probably already lived through one. Oh, do you know what? The one predicted in that two year window is predicted to be decidedly average.
Will there be a special planetary alignment? No. There will not. That's really all there is to write about that. Planets align all the time. Satellites align all the time. We had an eclipse this very morning. that pissed me off actually, the first eclipse during the winter solstice since the 1600's and I missed it!
Some people claim the Earth will enter the 'Dark Rift'. The Dark Rift (and I do love that name) is the dust clouds in the inner arm of the Milky Way. That's why we can't see the center of the galaxy. We'll simply never enter it, and even if we did, absolutely nothing would happen. Do you think some dust could balls-up the Earth? Because it can't.
Righty, that's my debunking of the end of the world. Don't start citing religion at me, or I'll just make another post explaining why religious claims are wrong as well. Now please take my advice: relax. The media seems to think we're in mortal danger every day anyway, so don't start worrying about things that simply will not happen. Thank you for your patience, dear reader. I hope that if you were worried, I've helped put your mind at rest.
Oh yeah, 4-chapter special today, dear reader! Frankly because chapter 22's so short it's feel pointless giving it it's own post. Why not just do three and put chapter 22 with 23 and 24? Because of the cutoff at the end here http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm, which is the site I'm getting the chapters from, seeing as it's been deleted several times from Fanfiction.net. Anyway, let's get cracking!
Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise [Isn't that a song by one of her terrible bands? Wait... I forgot that I don't give a fuck.]
AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok [I doubt even a chimp would be jealous of this]!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 [The last few 'sentences' make very little sense.]
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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore [from the sheer amount of anger here and towards the end of the previous chapter, we can see that 'goffs' are very easy to piss off and will take everything badly]. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert [haven't we been to this twice already? It was hijacked by Voldemort's band, remember?]. It had been postphoned, so we could all go. [I actually think the plot's getting worse. As is the chronology.]
Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive. [This writing is starting to grate at my soul. Also, it's not good to introduce something and then turn it into a plot point in the next few lines.]
I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot). [Straight menapparently have no emotions. We are all terminators. I understand why you cry, but it's something I can never do.]
“No one fucking understands me!1” he shouted angrily as his black hare [I'll have to stop making jokes about large rabbits] went in his big blue eyes [I thought he had red eyes? Or were those contacts? Agh, I don't even care anymore] like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing [..] black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik [what did I fucking say? Right... *Teddy goes off and brutally beats his neighbors to death* That feels much better]) I was wearing [Tara does not believe in leaving things to the imagination. Well, not trivial things anyway] a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik) [Or Google it.]
“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled. [He didn't accuse you of anything?]
“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.
“You fucking bastard!” I moaned. [Here she goes again with the overreactions.]
“No! Wait! It’s not what it fucking looks like!” he shouted. [What does it look like? I don't get it anymore!]
But it was to late. I knew what I herd [I herd u liek mudkipz?]. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped [flagellation is bad] and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video [I'll never understand the concept of a Best Friend Forever. It seems to be very much a phenomena of teenage girls]!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot. [Drugs: you're doing them wrong.]
Suddenly Hargrid came [there's still something in the water]. He had appearated. [According to my inbuilt firefox spellchecker, that's a real word. I don't believe it, especially because it always wants me to spell 'realise' with a 'z', which is wrong in England. And this is apparently an English-English spellchecker. Bah!]
“You gave me a fucking shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot [clumsy. Did it smash?]. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in da gurl’s room?” ["Iz purving lol."]
Only it wasn’t just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco [yeah, you want it to be someone you barely know rather than your boyfriend. That's not slutty at all] but it was Dumblydore.
“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse [he's a 'poser'. We get it]. “What are u wearing to the concert?”
“U no who MCR r!” I gasped. [That's no achievement. But if this is set in the canon (a long shot, I know) time, this is the late 90's. That being the case, that would be some achievement.]
“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2.” He said. “Anyway Draco has a surprise for u.” [Is it sex? It usually is.]
Chapter 20.
AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink [you blatantly do]! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz [bullshit] so dnot expect updatz.
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All day I wondered what the surprise was [it's probably sex]. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one [and the one before that. I'm glad she remembered though]. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.
“Wut de fucking hell r u doing!” I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! “R u gonna cum rape me [cum-raping sounds... Sticky] or what.” I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo. [They're not. But if they were, why are they still allowed to teach? If a teacher is caught perving on a student, said teacher is supposed to be banned from teaching.]
“No, actshelly (geddit, hell [oh shut up]) kan I plz burrow sum condemns [o.0].” he growld angrily. [Yeah, growl angrily at someone when asking for something, that's a sure-fire way to get what you want.]
“Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally. [He's not a FUCKING PEDO! Typing in caps as if I was shouting made me feel slightly better.]
“Fuker.” He said, gong away.
Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 [o.0 I don't think this fic could get any crazier. Remember what I said before about seemingly every main character being bisexual? Yeah, we've got another two now.]
“Oh my god you ludacris [I'm still resisting making a joke about Ludacris] idiot!” they both shooted angrily [hur hur] when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it [oh lord]) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now) [Snake, what happened? Snake? Snaaaaaaaaaaaake?!]
“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?” I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat) [Your mother must be so proud.]
“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Lumpkin shouted angrily.
“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed. [She said it several times.]
“You dimwit!.” Snake began 2 shoot angrily [they've been drinking too much of that water]. And then………I took out my black camera [she just happens to be carrying one] and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything. [No shit?]
“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”
“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound [sounds painful] at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot. [Even though she's got a boyfriend. It doesn't seem to make any difference to her.]
“WTF where’d Draco?” I asked him.
“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum [hur hur].” Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me [well, they were going to before...]? 2 the concert [oh]?”
Vampire and I began 2 make out [cheating slut], moshing to the muzik [her spelling's getting even worse]. I gapsed, looking at da band. [I wish she'd stop gasping, this is starting to sound like a bad porno.]
I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing ‘Helena’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner. [She doesn't seem to know why he's upset. It's highly annoying. It's convenient he was there, is it not?]
Chapter 21.
AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help [she's just not very good at this]. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! [Dracula was not filmed in Transylvania.]
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Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. “Draco are u okay?” [obviously not] I asked in a gothic voice.
“No I’m not u fuking bitch!” he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way [how does one run suicidally?]. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide. [It doesn't matter, he'll come back to life if he does, just like last time.]
“Its ok Enoby.” said Vampire comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.”
“U mean you’ll go fuck him wont you!” I shouted angrily [but it obviously doesn't matter if you make out with Harry... Argh]. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came [they really need to do something about what's in the water] too.
“Draco please come!” he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!) [Is anyone a homophone?]
And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke [sounds like an awesome drink]. We both gut under it [must be a big can]. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand. [Filch uses a lantern, not a torch. And why has his name changed to Mr. Norris?]
“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come [oh dear...]. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. [In case you don't know what's going on, dear reader (and you won't be the only one), she's got Filch and Mrs. Norris (I believe her name is) mixed up, and it's all getting a bit silly.]
“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled Mr. Norris.
“No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Vampire said under his breast [o.0] in a disgusted way. [It's rather like "Are you awake?" "No."]
“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow. “Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!” he asked. Filth nodded. And then……………………….Vampir frenched me [not again]! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 [Oh noes!]
“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school. [They seem to do that a lot, don't you think?]
“Draco!” I cried. “R u okay?”
“I guess though.” Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other [forgiveness doesn't work like that]. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin [not really, no]) on the gothic red bed together [red gothic beds don't play films]. As I wuz about 2 put in the video [I forget when this was written, but at least we didn't have DVD's when this is meant to be set, so kudos for that], my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug [oh, the name gets worse, dear reader] and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1 [The entire Ministry?]
Chapter 22.
AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris [if you know, then why did you write it? Also, it isn't 'Mr. Noris' anyway] itz raven’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1
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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic [notice how the name keeps changing?]. Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas [leather. Pajamas. I shit thee not]. Then I gasped. [Again.]
Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow! [Mary Sues have the ability to summon their followers without even realising it.]
“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.
“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Draco said in a sexy voice.
“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective [hur hur].”
“I will I will.” he said.
So I just put on [ಠ_ಠ] some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came [I'm sorry, there's no way that could mean anything else in the context it is used]. We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her [charming]. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged [it still gets worse. And why has he had a gender change?] was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.
“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”
“THE BARK LORD [woof] IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.
“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER [fortunate, then, that he is not a 'principal']!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS [o.0] IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!” [STOP FUCKING SHOUTING!]
“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is……………… [dramatic pause]…………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.” [Of course. Told you she was a Mary Sue, as if you needed any further vindication.]
Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B’loody Mary looked at each other………I gasped. [Again, I do wish she'd stop doing that.]
Great, now my mind hurts again. Never mind, only around 20 more chapters to go, dear reader. It's not as much as it sounds. Not for you anyway, because I'm the one that's trying to read it properly! Deary me...
Right, dear reader, let's tear these three chapters to pieces. Because it's just so easy to. It's also worth stating now that the timeline of events is going to start (and indeed, has already started) jumping around madly and inexplicably. Try your best, dear reader.
Chapter 16.
AN: u no wut [wut?]! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis [sweater drama! Drama, I say! I told you I could smell some drama]! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! [Great, that means there's probably going to be more fangirl-Japanese. My brain just dribbled out my ear in utter delight.]
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We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing ‘Helena’. I was so fucking happy [makes a change from her trying to kill herself all the damn time]! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection [he's very easily turned on] but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother [even though you've both shagged Harry in the past. Enoby did while Draco was being held in bondage by Voldemort, remember?]. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets [no-one cares and it just makes you sound like a slut]. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched [while moshing? That sounds awkward]. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! [That sounds like an awesome band. I'd take them over My Chemical Romance any day. Then again, I'd rather take a bullet to the head than MCR.]
“Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u [wait... What? What just happened? What's going on?]!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time [what happened last time? All we know is that Voldemort hijacked the concert with his own band. We have been informed of nothing else]? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them [I bet you do...]”
“What cause we…you know…” he gadgetted [that is not a dialog tag. It's not even a word] uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what. [Yes we do. Don't make assumptions. Actually, I thought that was common knowledge anyway?]
“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded [wrong dialog tag, not even a dialog tag] in an angry voice.
“We won’t do that again.” Draco promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT [male or female? And how does that make it any better?].”
“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream [mainstream is the devil. And what's going with an escort got to do with that anyway?]?” I asked. “So I guess ur a prep or a Christina [I've never, ever heard someone being accused of being a Christina] or what now?”
“NO.” he muttered loudly. [Muttering is, by the very definition, quiet.]
“R u becoming a prep or what?” I shootd angrily. [Isn't she overreacting somewhat?]
“Enoby! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘Da world is black’ by GC to me. [How romantic.]
I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! [I know the lyrics of plenty of songs that aren't singles. I can only assume that goth/emo things have smaller brains than normal people.]
“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.
B’loody Mary was standing there. “Hajimemashite gurl [*Teddy's blood boils*].” she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese [I don't give a flying fuck]). “BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math [everybody skips mathS, it's not on the Hogwarts curriculum].” (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) [I think somebody's had a tiff, don't you, dear reader?]
“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily. [Yup, someone's definitely had a tiff.]
Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed [as per]. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. “Maybe Willow will die too [this is obviously not going to come true in two seconds].” I said.
“Kawai.” B’loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly [how can something be energetic and lethargic at the same time?]. “Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he’s a necphilak.” [See, told you it wouldn't come true. I love how flippant that statement from Mair was.]
“Kawai [how equally flippant. And irritating].” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence [o.0] for da rest uv da movie.
“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.” [Yeah, don't ask her if she's going or'd like to go. You're a marvelous friend.]
B’Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY [almost as energetic as your typing]. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.” [Oh no...]
“In Hot Topic, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. [Hogwarts and Hogsmeade are in Scotland. Hot Topic has no branches outside of America.]
“No.” My head snaped up.
‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B’Loody Mary are u a PREP?” [Not this AGAIN. Why must she have this vindication?]
“NOOOO!NOOOO!” She laughed. “I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that’s all.” [Has she realised there is no Hot Topic?]
“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don’t even SAY that nam to me [why?]!). Or me. [If it was you, this entire conversation would fail twice as much as it already is.]
“Dumblydore.” She sed. “Let me just call our broms.”
“OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?” I asked quietly. [Yup, she asked quietly in caps, which are used to convey shouting. I feel your pain, dear reader.]
“Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk [all the times they've presumably been in Hogsmeade before, and they never noticed?].” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”
We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade [we know]. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE [then that statement seems redundant] and he gave me a few dresses [what, he just gave them to you? He didn't even try selling them? He's not very good at his job]. “We only have these for da real goffs.”
“Da real goffs?” Me and B’Loody Mary asked. [The hive mind is in effect. I'm verging on making it a label.]
“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man [I thought it was dirty, disgusting hippies that said 'man'? Also, we know about the 'posers']! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.” [I'll reiterate a previous statement: why do they even have a camera? Most wizards would have trouble with a light-switch.]
“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN [OH NOES!!!11!!1ONEONE]!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit. [We really do not care.]
“Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said. [This salesman sounds a little suspect. And yes, it is a man.]
“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said B’Loody Mary. [Naturally everyone in the world thinks that. She is a Mary Sue after all.]
“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit [while he's a nice salesman, he's not very good. The key word is 'sale']. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.
“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s ebondy dark’ness dementia TARA [subtle dig is not very subtle] way what’s yours?”
“Tom Rid [I'm going to assume he's Tom Riddle, because that's a little too convenient otherwise. It does, however, beg the question of who Voldemort actually is. Or is Voldemort just in disguise here?].” He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”
“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv [she's like Tiana in reverse. Or something]!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. “OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!” [I can't even think of a remotely witty response to this, not off the top of my head. that's how bad it is. This plot is terrible. The plots of stories done by 5 year-olds follow this structure.]
Chapter 17.
AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage [hey, I'm the one who advertises things!]. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn’t rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! [All this over a poster of an ugly man. Presumably Raven took the sweater in revenge. It's all a bit childish.]
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Tom Riddle [wow, it IS Tom Riddle. Is it Voldemort in disguise? I can answer that: no. Which begs the question of what the hell's going on. In general] gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual [is it just me, or is every man in this fic a bikey?]). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum [hur hur] back 2 Hogwarts. “WTF Hargrid?” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Willow came [hur hur]. Hargird went away angrily. [Did she come too late? OK, I'll stop that now.]
“Hey bitch you look kawaii [*Teddy gets more enraged*].” she said.
“Yah but not as kawaii as you [what does this word mean?! Actually, I don't care enough about Japanese to want to know. I just know I hate it].” I answered sadly cause Willow’s really pretty and everything [everything what?]. She was wearing [OH GOD!] a short black corset-thingy [do you mean a corset?] with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red [black and blood-red at the same time?] miniskirt, leather fish-nets [o.0] and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs ["Big Bob! Big Bob! Big Bob, Big bob, Big Bob!"] and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic. [I'm sorry, is that meant to be a good thing? I don't think I'm alone in saying that that's a massive turn-off.]
“So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?” she asked.
“Yah.” I said happily. [Make the most of her happiness, it won't last.]
“I’m gong with Diabolo.” she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came [hur hur. I'm sorry, it's just so easy]. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Diabolo was wearing [argh!] a black t-shirt that said ‘666’ on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson [a lovely comparison]. Draco was wearing black leather pants [I blame Cassandra Claire for this], a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower [the sentence finally lost me, which is quite an achievement, albeit nothing new by this fic's standards]. B’loody Mart [is that her brother?] was going 2 da concert wif Dracola [product placement? It's like cola for vampires!]. Dracola used to be called Navel [this sentence started to fail. Hard] but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires [does everyone have to be a vampire? It's getting annoying]. They dyed [what colour? Incidentally, just as an aside, after years of resistance I finally agreed to have my hair dyed last Saturday. I'm naturally dark-blonde, and had it lightened slightly. The shock I got when I looked in the mirror only left me this morning when I decided I actually like it. I will now return you to your badfic] in a car crash. Navel [Neville?] converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now [I think we could have guessed by now]. He was wearing [Teddy has encountered a fatal error and must shut down] a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now [I thought you called him Dracola? I notice you've still not spotted that 'Diabolo' or whatever the hell it is should be 'Diablo']. Well anyway we al went 2 Draco’s black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik [I'm getting tired of the bad puns]) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. [Did they do all this while still in the car? While driving? Think for a minute how terrifying and dangerous that would be.] We soon got there…….I gapsed.
Gerard was da sexiest guy eva [I'm sure she's said this repeatedly already]! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes [we know what Gerard Way looks like, thanks to Google, right, dear reader? Personally, I think he looks like a little kid]. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice ['ethnic voice'?]. We moshed 2 Helena [mosh to music that was designed for it. It's like me headbanging to Moonlight Sonata] and sum odder songz [they get even odder?]. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy [evil is preppy] man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came [look at the context this is used in. What else could she possibly mean?]. It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! [I find it highly amusing that they've fallen for the same trick twice now.]
“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Draco!” [He and Ewdard should form a club.]
“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife. [Why does he need one if he's got a wand? Voldemort is a preposterously powerful wizard. He's supposed to be anyway.]
Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick [it's goth-Jesus, come to kick some prep arse]. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ [uh...] on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE! [Twist! Climax! Bad plot!]
Chapter 18.
AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep [I must be one of the preppiest men alive]! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der! [Is she referring to The Line from chapter 3?]
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I woke up the next day in my coffin [I'm sure we've been here before]. I walked out of it [climbing out of it first might be a good idea] and put on [here we go...] some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring [slut. Yes, I equate belly piercings with sluts] with black and red diamonds inside it.
(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth [funny that, because I'm going to kill something if I read one more of these puns]). Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it [it sounds barely-functional]. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.) [It's like she just remembered there was a previous chapter.]
Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall [like 'sewer grate', how very apropos]. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys. [I'd just like to say that the Backstreet Boys are in no way 'posers'. That said, I like neither of the two 'posers' presented there.]
“WTF!” I shouted going to sit next to B’loody Mary and Willow. B’loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots [why do all of the goth girls dress exactly the same? You'd expect to see some variation, but it doesn't seem to exist. The hive mind is at work. I hereby honour this post with the first ever 'hive mind' label]. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs [why my thighs? I'm not wearing them] and black boots and fishnets. Vampire, Dracula and Draco came [I bet they did]. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi. [I swear the writing is getting more inane as we go along.]
“Those guys are so fucking hot.” Navel [great, Navel/Dracola must be a bi as well] was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came [there must be something in the water, this is getting ridiculous]. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black. [Poor hare, what did it ever do to him? That's no way to treat a pet.]
“……………….DUMBLEDORE?1!” we all gasped. [Again, we can see the hive mind in action. I can see the label's going to get a lot of use, dear reader.]
“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!” [Hiz gun goff lol!11ONE]
“Hello everyone.” he said happily. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?” [Great, Bert's talking like a 'goff' now. Also, it looks tacky.]
Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poser he was!1. [At least one could say he's making an effort. What would constitute a 'poser' in their eyes anyway? Because I suspect their criteria would be wholly unreasonable.]
“BTW you can call me Albert [see? A nickname of 'Albert' is 'Bert'! So it can't be Albus Dumbledore, it's Albert Dumblydore! He may be a distant cousin].” HE CALLED AS WE LEFT [is that necessary?] to our classes.
“What a fucking poser!” Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation [Transfiguration. Yes, I really am that petty]. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard [has he ever done that?]) but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s havin a mid-life crisis!” Willow shouted. [He's going to live a bloody long time then.]
I was so fucking angry. [I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.]
While writing this, I nearly lost the will to live, and so put on Judas Priest's Touch of Evil, just to maintain some perspective. Seeing as you've suffered with me, dear reader, please enjoy some good music.
Thanks to this fic, I've had to drink far too early in the day. It's not even Christmas yet, there's no excuse! Righty, let's get cracking I suppose... Also, my little blinking cursor has inexplicably vanished, so this could potentially lead to things taking forever and my getting utterly infuriated.
[Before we begin, I'd like to draw your attention to something, dear reader. You know how Tiana ran into the forest and her head exploded with white light? And then she saw some dude and her world went black? Yeah, we've skipped ahead a little, for no explainable reason. I half expected it not to be mentioned again, ala My Immortal. It, however, is.]
AN = No flames pls, theres no point [I've given up responding to these]!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that [I'll respond to this though: how are we supposed to know it'll be crap before we read it? *Teddy looks up at the title* Oh yeah...]! btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her [actually, every character we see apears to like her in some way. Even Larry, if you know what I mean]! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible[you do realise being perfect is not the only thing that constitutes a Mary Sue?].u flamers arent even makin sense1 [My irony sense is tingling. In fact, it's practically on fire.]
Chapter 4 - la push
I sat quitely on the la push beech [I love how we've skipped ahead in time, for NO REASON!] apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy [a pulpy what?] and he was so borin [my irony sense has practically exploded now]! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy [never stopped you before]. My thoughts were elsewhere - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me [why aren't you in shock or denial? WHY, DAMNIT!?] and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter [I bet it's Darth Vader]. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped [fo' shizzle, yo] by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy [bullshit] and for marriage [double bullshit. Look how she first acted with Ewdard] and my virginity [triple bullshit. Congratulations, you win the coveted 'bullshit' label!] was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry
"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing [I actually misread that as 'eating'. No, I've no idea how either] Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl [why's he going out with a hare?] who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything
"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome [no she's not] and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow [a lot of people are accused of being shallow in this fic. My psychology sense is tingling] and stupid like your all ways are"
"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth [people actually comment on her clothes, unlike in My Immortal] biaach with her slutty top [someone finally noticed and called her out on it! I'm so happy!] and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER [I am over the moon that someone actually commented on it. Take note, My Immortal!] or what?" Jessica screamed. She was realy ugly when she shouted [most people are] even though she was technology [o.0] a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes. [Oh joy. A hypocrite.]
"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts [my hypocrite sense is tingling now. Can he not see how Tiana's dressed?]!" mike shouted
"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge [oh lord], I bet they are fake [yup, I'll just ignore that]!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.
I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked [yes, you do look like waste] I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable [completely the wrong word, there]. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else [yeah, let's ignore how she's been so far, shall we? No, really. The writer's going to] because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person [then start acting like one. Seriously]! I could'nt help being slim and blond [you're currently not really blonde] with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong! [Apart from hurling abuse at all and sundry and kicking a guy in the shoulder when he was trying to help her. Nope, nothing wrong at all.]
-are u ok?" said someone from beside me
"who arr you [great, she's a pirate now]?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls [OH GOD NO] were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back
-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling [they said at the same time? We are dealing with the hive mind, dear reader. Or possibly the Master from Fallout] "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?" [Now it sounds as if there's more than one Tiana. That's a horrible thought.]
"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly [that spelling is hilarious] cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said [They also said you're a slut. Since you didn't mention it, I can only assume you think you are one. Which you are.]
"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities " [Oh god, it's like a gang of people to vindicate her Sue-dom. This fic is terrible.]
"cool" I said, and we talked for hours
I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours [yes, you mentioned that] and they were so cool. I'd never had proper freinds [probably because you kick people who try to help] before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool [yes, you mentioned that as well] and we had loads of stuff in common! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech [why are you up a tree? Or sat on one?]. It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again [wait... If she's so clearly not been damaged by it, why hasn't she rang the authorities?]. Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.
"well tiaa, thou [guess who...] seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy [I'm genuinely starting to think that's a bastardized version of soy-sauce. How can someone spell the same word wrong in the same way so consistently without it being deliberate?] and from another time [yeah, the first half of the 1900's. When people didn't speak like that]. Edward.
"what do you mean!" I demanded [Isn't it obvious?]
"basically every gay [an unfortunate typo] at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck. [He's persistent, I'll give him that.]
"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre [*Teddy's blood boils*] girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone [true. So why doesn't she?]. Tyfanni [read that as two words. It has comedic value] told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"
"OMG [deary me, he's not very good at this, is he?] SWEET LADY! THY [THOU] MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness [was it a moment of blasphemy too?] thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine [wrong tense, damnit! And it'd be the wrong word anyway!] can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is [he seems quick to accept that, even though he's throwing himself at Tiana], no matter how much thou [argh...] intrests me"
"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down [OOC Edward: just... I actually don't know anymore] on the grind. I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly [WHAT?! WHY?!] i didnt even try to resist him. He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him ['have sex', not just 'sex'] and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear. I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts. ["These are breasts", she said, indicating them.]
"have sex with me now edward " I whispered
" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples [Ewdard hurts my brain. Rationale does not exist in relation to his actions.]
"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore [well, I'm glad you admitted it] but unable to control my burning desire
-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying. [Again, she has no idea how a man's mind works. I'm also assuming this is set before Edward bangs Bella with the Sparkledick, so I'm equally assuming he's not had sex for a long while. Is this, therefore, a rational response on his part? Bear in mind how he's been acting with Tiana through the fic. It makes no sense.]
I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me [neither can I, especially how he's acted. What happened to romance?] and even worse he had said no [I give up on the pair of them, I really do]! I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside [long sentence is enormous]. Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep. [I wish something vaguely interesting would happen. Where's the plot? I demand a plot!]
Oh dear, that wasn't fun. And my cursor's still missing. Shall we do some My Immortal as well? Ah, why not!
Okie dokie, let's see what the violent bitch of this fic is upto now shall we, dear reader?
AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it [I wouldn't be]! thanx for the suport from my frends love u girls [apparently boys must have more sense when it comes to reading]!glad u like it [I don't, but that doesn't count]! oh an VINCENT [*resists urge to make Final Fantasy joke*] ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz [I think I may actually have missed that part, or I'd have remarked on it. Of course, it is just as likely that I did mention it and have forgotten. The mysteries of the mind, dear reader!]! one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off! [You mean apart from your asking people's opinions on your writing?]
Capter 3 – uncle larry
I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard [this particular mistake, while quite apropos, is fairly common in this fic] Cullen earlier that day. He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me [of course he will, you're a Mary Sue!]! But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me [yeah, I get angry when people make me combust at their touch too] and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off [I was unaware that you did tell him to fring off?], and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF [fair enough, that] anyways, even if she was a mean girl [how does she know?] with an ugly heart [again, how does she know? She's not frigging mentioned this!] and not that hawt [must she keep using that word? There are so many other words one could pick from]. But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't. Suddenly the phone range [50 meters, no less!]
"hello "
"hey, is that altantiana?"
"yah who is this?" I aksed.
"its Mike nooton from your class! I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush with me too morrow night maybe? Theres a party on the beech with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -
"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked
"you mean bella [Bella's a cheerleader now?] and jessica's gang? Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. And they can be mean sometimes.-"
"then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP [disproportionate retribution is disproportionate]!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike [maybe he wants to get to know you, you thick cow!]! Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like [he also said you seem nice. He entirely deserves this abuse] - I'm not THAT pretty anyways! And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran [what's cereal got to do with anything?] you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was [flirting: you're doing it wrong]!"
"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine [I imagine she'll break your neck through the phone for saying that, sir]. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around [then they can be just like Tiana] and forget there names and forget to brethe [I demand to be informed of the trail of dead bodies that must be around Tiana at all times]! How can't you have noticed that [because she's a daft cow?]? And I don't CARE how screwed up you are [you will if she kicks you in the shoulder the next time you try to help her]! It only maked you more interesting [the writer clearly has no idea of how men's minds work]! Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb [WHAT?! You're not supposed to agree with her! Here, dear reader, is another example of the power of Mary Sue] just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "
"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do [a 'thank you' would be far nicer, but it's not Tiana's fucked up style]" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was. [Naturally...]
"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy [so then WHY did you fly off the handle at him?!] but he was nothing next to Ewdard Cullen [because nobody is equal to his perfection. Nobody, I say! Ugh, I think I'm losing the will to live. Again]. Even though I was anger with edward [angry with, not anger with] than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore [that sounds icky], a part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably. I creamed myself [thanks for that lovely mental image. She must have thought about the mancarrot]. My heart had soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how he was a cheater and a bastard and my face burnt with shame. I couldn't beleive I had behaved like such a hore [you'll get used to it. Just ask Enoby]. I was scared of the affect he had on me.
"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly [I'd have had a frigging heart attack.]
"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily [oh got, she's caught Tara-itis!]..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.
"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!" [Must be a George Foreman grill.]
"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom and black lace stocking. [Not only does she bahave like a whore, she also dresses like one. Again, just like Enoby.]
"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!" [Like what, she's practically an adult! Apparently anyway.]
"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself! [True dat. She can kick people in their shoulders for god's sakes!]
Marie smiles and leaves the house. [And the tense switches to the present.]
"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face [Not only that, but he says 'greetings'. This is apparently not the slightest bit odd. I also like to think that he actually says that semicolon.]
"Hey - i said
"your the orphan arent you [he's very straight, isn't he?]" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you? [make that straight to the point of callousness]"
"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears [We're still, for some reason, in the present tense.]
"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly [That almost seems flippant.]
I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed [I don't get this. Anyone I know, myself included, would have told him to go fuck himself, and damn the consequences. And none of those people can deliver a kick to the shoulder. I must therefore conclude that Tiana's a coward]. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche [broken sentence is broken. Punctuation saves lives, dear reader]. He came outside and wached me and I new he was waching me [well, duh]! After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face [I can see a domestic abuse storyline coming up!]
"wft!" i shouted [He hit her so hard that she can't even get her internet slang in the right order.]
He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet [I bet you were] and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes [and we all know what's coming now!]. He touched my naked breats [as opposed to your clothed breats. You did say he pulled off your bra and top. Not that there was much to pull off in the first place] and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt [kick him in the shoulder!]. He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour [I shouldn't laugh, but that's pretty funny. Must be the foreplay of rape in this universe] then he pulled my panties down [he didn't take them off during the half hour he was spanking her? Spanking: you're doing it wrong] and started to rape me! [And there was me thinking he was going to murder you or something.]
"stop raping me!" I cry but he didnt stop [two tenses, one sentence. It's like the literary cousin of Two Girls, One Cup, and has a similar effect on the mind]! The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small [naturally. All rapists must, of course, have small penises]. I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours [he's got staying power, I'll give him that] and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face [seems kind of redundant] and left me there. I pulled on my clothes [if you really had been raped, a combination of pain, shame, and psychological trauma would keep you crying on the ground for hours. I can only, therefore, conclude that she was a willing partner, and this is a bizarre fantasy they often act out] and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street. I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed. [Have you been crying in this chapter, by any chance? 'Still weeping' would read far better, and break up the monotony.]
Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head [and made a nasty, pulpy mess on the ground] and my mark on my hand burned like a flame [it'd be funny if some smartarse walked up to her and cooked a marshmallow in the flame. I can imagine him eating it and then walking off without saying a word]. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was dark as night,. [+1 for juxtaposition at least]
"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?- [I'm sorry, what are the dashes meant to signify here?]
"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank and the world went dark. [She woke up sometime later in an insane asylum. Actually she didn't, but that would be a nice twist.]
It's getting worse. I can't believe it's actually getting worse. Fortunately, I am still equipped with booze. It's the only way I can avoid shooting myself.
Chapter 13. [Unlucky for some, including you and I, dear reader.]
AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard [I can feel drama developing. Drama, I say!] but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!
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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared. [Because Voldemort has Draco in bondage? I doubt he'd kill his new sex toy.]
“Dumbledore Dumblydore! [it's amazing how they manage to vary his name, almost playful, wouldn't you say? At least it would be if intentional. As it is, this fails]” we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.
“What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily. [OOC Dumbledore is not swearing at the moment. Still, he doesn't talk like that.]
“Volsemort has Draco!” we shouted at the same time. ["In bondage!" Teddy added.]
He laughed in an evil voice. [Is this still Dumbledore? In what universe would he give an evil laugh? Ah forget it, he's been so consistently OOC that I'll just name him something else. I think I'll call him Bert.]
“No! Don’t! We need to save Draco!” we begged. [If he's so stupid as to be captured by the most obvious Voldemort I've ever seen, he deserves to languish in chains for the rest of what promises to be a short and painful life.]
“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco [Bert isn't a very good headmaster, I must say. He doesn't seem to care that the Dark Lord has taken one of his students hostage. In bondage]. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” [It always amused me that there was never any sex inside Hogwarts. I wish it stayed like that after reading this] he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway [Bert is a VERY bad headmaster].” then he walked away. Vampire started crying. “My Draco!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot! [two things: they're bi, and no, they're not hot in the slightest])
“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood [he must have caught that from Enoby when they were shagging]. Then he had a brainstorm [did his head explode?]. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.
“What?” I asked him.
“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Voldemprt’s lair! [You mean it's that easy? Dear god, we actually had the beginnings of a plot before that happened! Enoby and Harry could have spent the fic searching for clues as to the location of the lair and how to access it. But no, that's what a competent writer would have done.]
We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Allah Kedavra!” [Allah akbar, apparently.]
It was……………………………….. Voldemort! [No shit?]
Chapter 14.
AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen [lord knows what it looks like when no-one's helping...]. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists [and yet you're still alive. Truly, justice does not exist]. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! [Now that's just petty.]
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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. ['Excretion'? Very apropos, I must say. Also, no it isn't scary. Turning around to see a hideous monster with the torn flesh of your family hanging from it's jaws is scary.]
We ran to where Volcemort was [didn't he use the killing curse? Or maybe the typo above was deliberate so that no curse was invoked]. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there [twist!]. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was [another twist!]. Draco was there crying tears of blood [not ANOTHER one]. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. [Wormtail, but we won't quibble.]
“Rid my sight you despicable preps!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly [did this sentence just flip out on me?] he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes [WHAT?!]. “EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme [you must be joking. Just... You must be joking].” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) [He wouldn't be anyway! And why is he 16? Canon, I miss you...]
“Huh?” I asked.
”Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely [as opposed to laughing eloquently]. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart [coup de grace, finally!]. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.
“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming [I thought he was already screaming? Look to the left slightly. That Scotch Mist?] and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly. [WHY?!]
“Snaketail what art thou doing [he's dying loudly. You're not a very good villain]?” called Voldemort. Then…… he started coming [I bet he did]! We could hear his high heels clacking to us [wait... Voldemort's wearing high heels. Voldemort's in DRAG?!]. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts [and it's really that easy to leave as well?!]. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. [As per. I think she needs to see a psychiatrist.]
“What’s wrong honey?” asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw [he's got no feelings. Can he not tell she's probably not in the mood?]. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah [enough of the puns]) and a really huge you-know-what [yes, we established that several chapters ago, although I believe that may be wishful thinking on Enoby/Tara's part] and everything. [Everything what?]
“Why would you wanna be ugly [yeah!]? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” [Unlike Enoby, who does not dress like one at all, and nor has she had sex with two boys in a very short period of time. Oh no, sir, not her!] answered Draco.
“Yeah but everyone is in love with me [yes, that is rather odd]! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked [that doesn't mean they love you, dear]. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me [he was before you killed him]! I just wanna be with you ok Draco [and yet you fucked Harry while you knew Draco was in bondage?]! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob [yes she is] or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things [o.0]! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away. [Yup, words have actually failed me here. Therefore, we shall ignore that and move to the next chapter.]
Chapter 15.
AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz [how has she not bled out yet?]! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!
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“Ebony Ebony!” shouted Draco sadly. “No, please, come back!”
But I was too mad. [Wait... He hasn't done anything wrong.]
“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire [like she did? Yeah, don't mention that, Enoby...]!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key [of course. At least it's not a key made of blood]. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it [naturally, like all keys do]. He looked so sexy [Manson is not sexy by any definition of the word] in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists [I find it amusing that no-one has commented on the marks that'll obviously be left. Realistic? I think not]. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. [Pardon me for butting in, but if she was that depressed, she wouldn't care about Biology. When did they start teaching that at Hogwarts anyway?]
I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy [nothing like class, is there?] on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots [slag] that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar [I've never needed to do that in a biology class]. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! [How'd he manage that, then? The first one of you to say 'magic' will get a thick ear.]
“Enoby I love you [I thought the problem was that everyone loved her? Except me. I rather hate her]!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world [he can't have seen many girls]. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time [he probably wanted out of this badfic before it even started]. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “Da Chronicles of Life and Death” [how romantic][yup, Biology's turned into karaoke. No-one seems to care or, indeed, react] (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it [as I said, there's nothing like class]) right in front of the entire class [and yet no-one reacts]! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic [could someone kindly define a 'gothic voice' for me?] and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson [that sounds like a hideous mish-mash. So about right, then] (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot [no]. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .
“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. [Not in full, mind you. It obviously wasn't good enough for that.][a natural response, I can assure you. I'd be dumbfounded] Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers [I'm assuming she's using one hand for this, so how many middle fingers does she have?] (that were covered in black nail polish [DOES IT MATTER?!] and were entwined with Draco’s now [she gave them the finger while holding Draco's hand? That's the kind of thing the local sluts here do]) at them. “I love you!” I said [to who? As if we didn't know...] and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch [and yet you're comparing yourself to her. Do you see the rationale, dear reader? I certainly don't]) and CMM in a Cinderella Story [never seen it. I'm proud of this fact]. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin [he's still teaching despite having been caught perving on a student. And wanking while doing it] shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether [does this sound normal to you? It shouldn't]. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then [it's all happening in Hogsmeade]. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. [The writing's actually getting worse. Seriously, this is the way 7 year-olds write. There's no excuse whatsoever.]
Ugh, my mind hurts... It needs cleansing with lovely booze and some actual literature.
Until the next horrible installment, dear reader!
Teddy
