DC: My Immortal Chapt. 5 & 6

This trainwreck of a fic is not being helped by my computer being uncharacteristically laggy. Ah well.

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! [stop writing!] if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx [yup, I swear all the time when I've got a headache and catch a lady bouncing on a man's dingaling. Dumbledore was very in-character there. Ahem]! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws [the people who gave this thing good 'revoiws' are the people who saw the lulz in the failz]!

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily [as opposed to happily. They had been caught banging, after all].

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted [I'm going to resist making a joke about Ludacris].

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face [that's one nasty STD you caught from Draco!]. Draco comforted me [I bet he did]. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice [for the life of me, I can not imagine Dumbledore saying this. Or anything to do with sex, for that matter].

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall [best. Insult. Ever].

“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!” [we always take people we love into forests and bang them. Romance is for preps]
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.” [I know Snape is supposed to like Draco, but come on!]

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently [that dialog tag reminds me of the song 'Killing me Softly'. I can just imagine there being a piss-take called 'Asking me Gently'. I can even hear the whole thing playing in my head. Thanks for the sleepless night, Enoby!].

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels [why?! You're going to bed for Christ's sake!]. When I came out…. [Canon reasserted itself and I exploded. The end.]

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte [very romantic. Excuse me while I vomit]. I was so flattered [I wouldn't have been, but I like to think I have class], even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. [Anticlimax! At least it didn't lead to more IKEA erotica with Dumbledore bursting in and mouthing off.]

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows [I really wish they hadn't]!

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black ["Dear Diary: Today I dressed like a whore again. Last night I put on a long dress and high heels to go to sleep, for no obvious reason other than I felt like it"]. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple [with... spraypaint? Do people normally spraypaint their hair?].

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood [that'd be a vampire's equivalent of drinking milk with one's breakfast]. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top [never mind dear, no-one'll notice with all those red skulls].

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face [you... were going down his face? You SLUT, you're supposed to be with Draco!] and he was wearing black lipstick [he sounds a bit funny to me]. He didn’t have glasses anymore [oh no...] and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore [you ARE joking]. He had a manly stubble on his chin [I thought goths were incapable of growing hair anywhere other than the top of their heads. At least every goth I've ever seen can attest to that. Harry must be a poser prep]. He had a sexy English accent [it amuses me greatly when foreigners say that an English accent is sexy. Also, which one? We've at least 50 different accents in England alone]. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko [no dickgirls here then. That sounds oddly like denial to me though].

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.


["Where's the bomb?" Jack Bauer demanded.]

“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled [another piece of my sanity has been lost forever due to the sheer raping of the canon].

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled ["It's a metallic taste, human blood. Copperish." -Richard B. Riddick, escaped convict, murderer].

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed [I'm sure he couldn't tell dear. It's not like you were drinking blood and eating Count Chocula with blood instead of milk, is it?].

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

["Son of a bitch!" Jack shouted. He then proceeded to shoot the entire cast of My Immortal dead. There was much rejoicing.]

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. [I bet it's sex. Sorry, did I spoil the surprise? Don't worry, the art of storytelling is lost to Tara.]

Until the next fail-tastic chapter!
Teddy

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Comic

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DC: My Immortal Chapt. 3 & 4

 Two chapters! Ah-ah-ah. I'm grouping these two together seeing as they're so short and I want to get chapter 4 out of the way as soon as possible. It has the line.


Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte [I suppose it's only natural to deny ownership of this mess. Also, in what universe would you own any of Good Charlotte's lyrics? Bah. Furthermore, the flaming appears to have inexplicably got worse. Unsurprising].

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets [you slut]. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky [spikes stick upward. In the traditional sense anyway - they can also stick sideways and down. Whatever way, it wouldn't work]. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists [yeah, we all feel depressed when we're going to see our favourite band with a person we're attracted to]. I read a depressing book [was it Twilight? Or is this a nightmare world where this MESS has been published?] while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner [wouldn't that have made her head fall off?]. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway [vampires usually are. Don't worry though, as she forgets what she is in a few chapters]. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert [I KNOW vampires are meant to drink blood, but it's not their equivalent of Dutch courage].

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) [who? Actually, forget it... I really couldn't care less], baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner [bender] (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) [no. I'm rather afraid they don't. They do in Enoby's world though. That's a scary world].

“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice [you exclaimed in a depressed way? That doesn't work. And what happened to placing a comma before saying a name?].

“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz [of all cars, why an MB? At least she didn't write 'Volvo'] (the license plate said 666 [naturally]) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs [tobacco is a drug. Also, drugs are not good, you deeply silly kids. Wait... They're flying a car while high?]. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up [moshing isn't really jumping up and down. And I've never heard of anyone moshing to Good Charlotte] and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song [I doubt anyone would have thought you did]).

“Joel is so fucking hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice [my personal taste tells me his voice is passable at best. But I don't want to start a war here, Enoby/Tara's entitles to her opinion].

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on [oh... You're so slow!].

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. [rant] “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.” [/rant] I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face [does she have thick blonde hair growing out of her face?].

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled [any particular reason? Did their legs get broken? I hope so] back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… [dramatic pause is undramatic in this context] the Forbidden Forest! [OH NOES!]

Chapter 4 [things deteriorate in this chapter. We also have the first of many sex scenes].

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY [now you know where it comes from. It says a lot when a writer can't even spell the name of her own Mary-Sue correctly] nut mary su [it may as well be] OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her [awww] dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! [Oh, I wondered how long that would take]

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“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously [that sounds rather like some unseen force made you walk out and you were curious about it. Punctuation fail].

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily [like we couldn't tell you were angry].

“Ebony?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts [otherwise he'd be an albino, and I don't think Tara knows what they are. And 'gothic'? Did they have elaborate stone spires on them?]) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore [she saw the evil and sadness and was calmed. That's up there with "This is the skin of a killer!" *sparkle*].

And then…………… [drama! Suspense!] suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately [he took her out there so he could bang her. Whatever happened to romance?]. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree [was the tree laying on the floor? It probably was, but even so Tara made a literary fail]. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra [ :-O ]. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time [this sex scene brought to you by IKEA].

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm [she's very clinical about this. I can only assume she's never experienced a titular female orgasm]. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then…. [Wait for it...]
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” [Never a good thing to happen]

It was………………[wait for it... It's the line...]…………………………………….Dumbledore!

 [I couldn't make this up if I tried. I really couldn't.]


But it gets worse from here, dear reader! Can you believe it? Neither can I... This thing is not only a mess, but a horrible mess at that.

Until the next chapter!
Teddy

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DC: My Immortal Chapt. 2

Ugh... I've still got a bad taste in my mouth from the first chapter, that can't be good. Oh, believe me dear reader, it gets far worse as it drags on. Rather like that tram crash on Corrie by all accounts. In fact, while I'm on the subject, how unlucky are the people that live there? How many disasters have they had now? I've completely lost count. Anyway, back to the fail-fest that is My Immortal.

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! [You needed help with the chapters? I'd weep for humanity if my tear ducts hadn't shrivelled up and died weeks ago after reading crap like this] BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! [They were quick to start flaming. Can't say I blame them]

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom [where did you expect to wake up?]. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had [surely that's not fresh? It's probably congealed and gone manky. You dirty girl!]. My coffin was black ebony [I'll not make that joke again] and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends [not black or purple? You disappoint me, Enoby! And no, I did not spell that wrong]. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress [read that again. A leather dress. That sounds slightly painful. Don't get me wrong, I wear leather, but even so. A leather dress], a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on [you slut]. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears [I'm surprised her ears have any use left], and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! [it's clear Enoby is a Mary-Sue, but what's the term for a friend of the author? Bah, I forget, but it's deeply sad all the same]) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots [there's more sluts in this story than any of London's red light districts]. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly [they talk using text-speak? I feel ill].

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Draco?” [oh please, how old are you two? 12? I should hope not, dressed like that] she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted [yes you so fucking do. Oh, the contrived plot!].

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me [how bollock-flinchingly convenient].

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily [you flirt. You can not say something 'flirtily' (which isn't even a word, I might add). You can say something with a suggestive tone, but not say something 'flirtily', especially 'hi'. Don't worry though, as this thing of Tara's carries on until the end of the fic].

“Guess what.” he said [it needs a question mark to make it a question. This sounds sarcastic].

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me [how do they even know the fucking place exists?! And why are they playing there?!].

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed [you know, screaming something. Like. This would sound really stunted and be awkward to do]. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR [Convenience, my friend! How have you been since a few lines ago?].

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped [oh come on, the plot was so set-up that way! I've never seen writing this bad, I really haven't].


Great, now I feel ill again.

Until the next 'exciting' chapter!
Teddy

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DC: My Immortal Chapt. 1

Oh boy... My Immortal. This thing is legendarily appalling. It... I...

*Teddy composes himself*

Ok... It's a Harry Potter badfic. It's very, VERY bad. I'm sure if you want to read the whole thing through, it's only a quick google search away. This thing is something of a dubious legend. It's also got a TVTropes drinking game which I did on Saturday. I actually don't remember much, but I anticipated that and left a note on my own bedside table telling me that I'd made some notes as I went along. I just can's find them. It's written by what could either be a very thick goth girl (called Tara Gilesbie) or the world's best troll. I'm actually going with the former, otherwise it'd be a little too perfect.

My comments will be in [bold red in square brackets], rather like that. Here we go...




Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) [that's terrible] 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. [you had HELP with the spelling and it still looks like THIS?!] U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2![I'll ignore that] MCR ROX![and that]

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way [what a lovely name. Now, why do you have an apostrophe right in the middle of it?] and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) [as opposed to ebony-pink hair? Also, your parents named you after the hair you had? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but we are usually born either bald or with one colour hair, which will fall out and be replaced by your natural hair colour. Were your parents dense or psychic?] with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!) [Evanescence? What joy, I have Tara's permission to stay]. I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie [you... want to be related to someone because he's hot? That's mildly scary. People don't normally perv on their relatives]. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white [of course. I suppose her being a vampire was only natural. Also, this is another rung in the disturbing trend of authors (and I use that term loosely here) removing all monstrous traits in vampires, to make them more sympathetic. See Twilight. Actually, don't. That's a bad idea, as it is thoroughly awful]. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England [Scotland, but she's probably American and so won't know the difference] where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth [REALLY?!] (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black [goths do tend to do that, you really don't need to inform us of the fact]. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there [For those of you outside the Americas, that's an American breed of shop. Presumably they cater to goths and the like. For the record, I've nothing against goths at all. I don't have anything against emos either, so long as they stay the hell out of my way]. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow [the clothing descriptions get MUCH longer, trust me. Also, she sounds like a goth prostitute]. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining [do you mean sleet? That's the closest we can get to that] so there was no sun [it was nasty out, and therefore there was NO sun? I'm not even going to get started on that. I can assume this is someone who isn't used to the weather we get in the United Kingdom], which I was very happy about [I'll bloody bet she doesn't turn to ash in sunlight though, like vampires are SUPPOSED TO DO]. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them [most people'd be happy for the attention, but not Ebony! Also, I'm going to assume preps are people rather like you or I].

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! [get used to the dramatic pauses. Get used to the out of character (OOC) Draco as well]

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly [awww, do I sense some unresolved sexual tension? I think I do. In fact, I KNOW I do].

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away [that was an anticlimax].

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
[No. I'm rather afraid it isn't]


Oh lord, I can feel my IQ dropping already. It gets worse, believe you me.

Until the next chapter!
Teddy

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Dramatic Commentaries!

Behold, I am creating a new feature! Can you feel the excitement? You should.

This semi-regular feature (based entirely on the quality of my memory and the energy in my brain and fingers) will be known as the Dramatic Commentaries (capitalised for effect. Feel the effect). Now, I have kept you in suspense for a few lines now, so I'll explain to you what this new feature is!

Do you know what a fanfic is? If not, read and learn: it's a piece of fiction written by a fan of a series. The fanfic will usually conform to the established canon of the series. A 'badfic', however, does not conform to the established canon. Or indeed, established sanity. Sanity does not exist in the world of the badfic. A Dramatic Commentary (and no, I'm NEVER going to stop capitalising it) is where I soullessly rip out entire chapters of badfic and post them here, along with my own comments.

It will be glorious. And painful.

Until next time! (which may well be in a few minutes)
Teddy

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Music In Games

What, you expect me to write something like a thesis on game music? Well that's misleading titles for you, because I'm not going to do that. What I'm actually going to do is a list, because we like them! Lists are fun, concise ways of giving information. Yeah, I just said lists are fun. Stop staring at me like that.

A list, I probably should add, of my personal favourites in the world of gaming music. In descending order because we like that in a list! Yes we do. I said stop staring at me like that.

#7 - Escape From Butcher Bay

I've actually not played Dark Athena, so I can't comment on if it's music is better. I really should play it. Anyway, Escape From Butcher Bay took everyone by surprise really: many people thought it'd be a shitty attempt to cash-in on a couple of cult movies (incidentally, I thought Pitch Black was much better than Chronicles, but I list both in my favourite movies. That's a list for another time! No really, stop staring at me). EFBB was far better than anyone could have possibly dreamed and is still very nice-looking, even today. My favourite track would be the one that plays during combat during one of Riddick's escape attempts.


#6 - Morrowind

Morrowind was a lovely game, and far closer to the Elder Scrolls' original difficulty and brutality than Oblivion ever was. It also had some lovely music and clunky combat. In it's day it was pretty beautiful, and is just about passable today, despite rather angular people. Unlike Oblivion, each race had a different voice: Dark Elves sounded positively murderous compared to their utterly hateful, squeaky Wood Elf cousins. Plus, you heard this every time you played it.


#5 - Age of Wonders

I didn't like Age of Wonders 2. It felt like all the original charm of the game was gone and replaced with what was presumably a 'modernised' game engine. Gone was all the style and atmosphere, replaced with a world that didn't quite take things as seriously as it's predecessor, and it was also in with the ugly sprites. That's why I don't like the sequel to the game that had this music in it.


#4 - Disciples 2

Another turn-based strategy game. Another one with a wonderfully Gothic atmosphere, with a brilliantly realised conflict between each of the factions. It had some great music, but my favourite is this piece.


#3 - Dawn of War

Time for a multi-video clusterfuck! The music was already good in the vanilla game, but once you installed the Winter Assault expansion, you got to listen to this every time you fought with the Imperial Guard.

What about mods though? If you install the Daemonhunters to the game, you're treated to these two tracks.


#2 - Umbrella Chronicles

This game lets me play as Albert Wesker, so it automatically makes me happy. Also, Resident Evil 5 does not exist in my world. It does not, and neither does it's ending. In my own personal world, Wesker utterly destroyed Chris back in Code: Veronica. Playing as Wesker, you hear this during the first stages, and it utterly encapsulates his character.


#1 - Timesplitters 2

If you've played this PS2 classic, you'll almost certainly know where I'm going with this. I'm going straight for this classic. This is a piece I've never forgotten from when I first played the game. Siberia.



Mmm... Lists... I said stop staring!

Until next time!
Teddy

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